First post - failing barriers and her risk taking behaviour

[lucky123]

Hello, I hope someone can help.  My sister has BPD.  I don't want to bore everyone but basically I've got 2 problems the I don't know how to handle

1 - her risk taking behaviour has altered in nature and is escalating.

2 - the barriers I have very carefully and fastidiously maintained are failing

Here is a brief background about her.  I'm going to call her Ruth as a pseudonym.  Ruth is my younger sister but not by much.  She is vibrant and gorgeous and can sometimes be amazing fun to be around.  She was diagnosed with BPD following repeated stays, nearly a decade ago, at a mental health hospital.  She made the first of what was to be 7 suicide attempts (or what turned out to be 'apparent' attempts).  The first 2 attempts were whilst I was abroad.  Many of her future attempts were whilst myself or my parents were abroad.  I remember finding out 2 days before we were to fly home; I remember feeling the whole world was a mirror shattering into little pieces around me; I remember for one of the only times in my life sitting at a bar and drinking until I couldn't feel.

Fast forward several years and she has been on and off medication.  We her family are at one moment her life receiving urgent calls any time of the day and at the next moment people to be pushed and pushed and pushed until eventually we snap.  She is vastly critical one moment and the next gregarious and generous.  Aloof and icily angry to the life and soul of the party.

Right now her risk taking behaviour is scaring me.  I'm frightened.  I don't understand how it can happen.  I don't really understand anything.  Why is it getting worse for God's sake? It wasn't meant to get worse.  She variously

-drinks to excess at least once a week.  She drinks until 6am.  She can't remember her actions but those she has reported have included theft, losing control of her bowels, promiscuity without protection and long walks home alone through dodgy bits of town and being taken home by the police.

-doesn't eat properly.  She's thin in extremis.  Her periods have stopped, she's always cold, she has a downy hair covering

-she sleeps around

Her behaviour is impacting badly on her job.  All of her friendships are short and based around alcohol.  She cancels family things due to hangovers.  I'm scared.

Simultaneously she has become vastly critical whenever she sees me but at the same time calls me saying she can't cope, asking for help and support, crying all the time.  But then when I see her she either cancels on me or becomes so verbally unpleasant that I'm left feeling like I'm a fool for having seen her. Previously by ensuring I was contactable on the phone but limited meetings to pre-planned, clear events and dates worked.  Now it doesn't.  My husband can't stand her following one particularly horrific meal out and I'm left wanting to help her but unsure how I can safely.

Help.

I don't want to lose touch with her but I can't be in her life whilst she does all this and doesn't allow any healthy relationship with me.

PS Sorry this sounds very self-pitying, I'm just at my wit's end.

[HappyChappy]

Hi lucky123,

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this, suicide attempts are especially scary (I have personal experience here also).  So  is it fair to say the crux of the issue is that you want to help your sister but she is so disrespectful and abusive it makes that  very hard ? You feel trapped between a hard place and a rock ?

I guess you have choice, you can learn to weather her behaviour and help, or encourage her towards the professional services. Some would walk away from it all, but we children of BPD weren’t programmed that way. But you have options.

It is worth pointing out that you are not your sisters keeper, as the saying goes (easier said than done). Also a BPD will show more contempt to those close, as they feel more confident about getting away with it, but I sense you’ve picked up it’s not personal. There are many resource on this website to help with whatever you chose. So here are links on how to get the best out of our BPD:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

What sort of relationship does you sister have with medical help ? Does she except the diagnosis of BPD ? There are many resources on this website to help you cope with your sister’s behaviour, e.g. The health service is very well versed in dealing with said behaviour and they’re probably better qualified than we are.

Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

You sound a very conscientious and loving sibling, but that doesn’t mean you should go down with the ship. I would love to know how you get along, what route you chose to take or if you have anymore questions. Your scenario is unfortunately very familiar. BPD is like a drug at times, in the patient just won’t admit to it and gets very aggressive if we try to challange their behaviour. There’s a lot in your post that I would suggest medical professionals really do need to take a view. The stick thin thing could be an eating disorder (common with BPD) or drug dependence or goodness knows what – hence why a medical professional needs to take a view. By the way I like the sarcasm demonstrated by your username. Look after yourself.

[lucky123]

Hi HappyChappy,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully to my post.

I'm going to read the resources definitely.  You're quite right, I do feel trapped.  The current line from my parents is definitely the 'weather her behaviour and help' (when invited to) school of thought as you rightly put it.  But I can't make myself do it anymore.  It's like watching a train wreck and choosing to stand watching instead of doing *something* to help.  Which leaves me with encouraging her towards professional help.  She needs it.  I've at least got to try - I'm not sure I could look in the mirror if I don't.

Ruth pushes me like no other.  The verbal abuse is more like picking, constant critical picking about everything.  It's been a lot worse since I married - which makes sense in the context of BPD.  But there are lovely parts to her.  She feels she is 'cured' of BPD and managed to essentially fall through the Health Services net by moving around a lot.  She treats general doctors with disdain and only managed to get her most recent round of medication by claiming 'stress and depression' and demanding the correct pills (Ruth is not easy to argue with).  So yep, no admitting to anything at all really.

I didn't know that eating disorders and BPD were linked, it's interesting to me as I'm pretty sure there's some anorexic tendencies going on.  Her recent hangover symptoms sound to me more like a cocaine come-down too unfortunately.

So there we have it.  I'm gonna try and encourage her to seek help. *deep breath*.

PS the username bears explaining.  I am indeed extremely dry and sarcastic by nature but in this case I consider myself 'lucky' because I have a 'there but for the grace of God' attitude towards mental health.  Life hasn't always been kind and I've made poor decisions but luckily I'm intact 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Lucky123,

Love your philosophy of “there for the grace of god go I”.  Does sound like you’ve got a plan. But be good to yourself, don’t forget to pull back if burn out is encroaching.  There is only so much we can do with people adamant the problem is never them, but if you try to get sis into therapy, sounds to me you’ve done as much as you can do. Best of luck.