Quote... .Ahhhhh... .What exactly was your hope? To get back together? Do you realize it takes many years of therapy and incredible dedication of a pwBPD to get any progress in managing their BPD? Were you planning on waiting for him for years? What idea/vision did you have of the near future?
Ok I do get the above quote - but I had the impression or the hope he was going to do the above
And he probably meant it when he told you he would. Because at the time he felt he needed or wanted to work on himself. Five minutes later he will feel something else and the working on himself is out the window.
That 's one of the reasons being in therapy is very difficult for a pwBPD. When we go into therapy there might be days we think "I don't feel like it" "I'm not sure the therapist gets me" "it's too hard" but overall we will have a rational little voice that says "but it's good for me. Come on, get up, and go". When a pwBPD feels the therapist doesn't get him, or it's too hard, or he doesn't need it, he stops going. The rational voice isn't there. Feelings are facts.
- I cannot quite convey just how close we were and how at 2/3rds of relationship he was focused on healing- he had a setback yes and led to him ending things-but I genuinely hoped he would be starting that journey again -instead he is getting caught up with some female -who god knows what she is getting out of that mess-
Every time a pwBPD meets someone that they think is the answer to all their pain, the one that can save them, the one they have this super connection with, they go with that. "Why go through therapy? This person holds the key to my happiness" He felt you were the key to his happiness. He now feels she is the key to his happiness. After her there will be many other keys. What she's getting out of this mess? Maybe he hasn't shown her his life is a mess; pwBPD are very good at hiding things and spinning a lovely picture in front of your eyes. So probably she's getting exactly the same out of it you were. And so will the one after that, and the one after that. Don't focus on him or her. Focus on you. What did you get out of it?
he was drinking heavily and self harming at the end of our relationship -part of the reason for splitting up is that he has ocd as well and relationship ocd that was difficult to manage -so again cannot believe he has gotten together with someone
The drinking, self harming and OCD (getting worse) are signs of stress. He doesn't know how to handle all these emotions (it's a non-stop tornado inside) which gives him stress so he looks for things to suppress the emotions and alleviate the stress. Or people. So finding someone else he feels has an amazing connection with, that can save him, makes him feel better. Hey presto! Problem solved! Or so he thinks...
I knew I'd have to make changes and be strong and I thought we would work through things -he is an intelligent degree educated person -people can recover if they put effort in
That's what we all thought. We all thought with our support we could save them. We can't.
And a high intelligence doesn't mean a pwBPD has any more control over his internal tornado than a less intelligent pwBPD. Smarter doesn't mean anything in this respect. Apart from getting better at hiding stuff.
And no, pwBPD cannot recover. BPD is not the flue or a broken leg. It does not go away. Ever. It isn't something you can take out. Their personality is disordered. You cannot take out their personality and put in a fresh one. They can learn with medication, therapy or both to manage their BPD. How to handle it so they don't go overboard all the time.
I didn't know it was BPD then -only at end of relationship- and it's almost as though he has taken the diagnosis as an excuse to act like a ***** rather than any genuine way of making any understanding and seek appropriate treatment
You're expecting him to act and think rational about his diagnosis. As you would if for example you got a diagnosis for diabetes or any other chronic disease. He doesn't think like you do.
--do you think it was wrong of me to contact him about the new female? I just couldn't stop myself
I don't know. I know it cost me a lot not to confront my ex with his remarks about getting himself a new gf, and I still couldn't control my emotions I just lied about why I was emotional. So I understand you couldn't stop yourself. But wrong... Wrong in what respect?
That you confronted him and he now thinks A, B or C about you? That you confronted him and now you think he won't come back to you? That you contributed to the drama?
I m at least seeing just how in the thick of it he is and there is no hope in a reasonable time that he will get things together or attempt to -which will help me detach
Good. Focus on yourself. Focus on healing from this and what you got out of this. Why you thought you could or should save him.
Im not going to lie -I did at points feel like we would be like johnny cash and june carter
The film about their romance was nice. But it's a romanticized film and it ended when they got together. We didn't get to see if there was emotional or physical abuse in their 35 year marriage.
Love isn't supposed to be about saving someone else. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Just because films, books and songs (all made by creatives, the people who usually suffer from some kind of mental imbalance) describe it that way doesn't mean that is healthy love.
