For those with BPD siblings - do you believe in the parental abuse theory?

[Depression = 72% of members]

For those who have a BPD sibling, do you think it was caused by your parents?

Looking into BPD I have seen alot of weight put into the idea that it was caused by some kind of abuse by parents or parental figures to the BPD person when they were growing up.

However there are lots of families that seem to end up with one child with BPD whilst the siblings don't get it and are relatively mentally healthy.

I just question the abuse theory as my own experiences are that my parents were never abusive, if anything, too kind, and generous to a fault to both me and my BPD brother.

Similarly my old close friend's cousin has BPD and her brother is fine. Her parents bend over backwards to give her everything she needs and she's the centre of the family because of her BPD storms. Her brother moved away interstate as soon as he was old enough to get away from her and their parents because of it.

I read a lot of material that describes invalidation as a cause. I don't think this was the case in my family though, and there was never any physical or other abuse.

Just wondering what other people think?

[forevernew]

For those who have a BPD sibling, do you think it was caused by your parents?

Looking into BPD I have seen alot of weight put into the idea that it was caused by some kind of abuse by parents or parental figures to the BPD person when they were growing up.

However there are lots of families that seem to end up with one child with BPD whilst the siblings don't get it and are relatively mentally healthy.

I just question the abuse theory as my own experiences are that my parents were never abusive, if anything, too kind, and generous to a fault to both me and my BPD brother.

Similarly my old close friend's cousin has BPD and her brother is fine. Her parents bend over backwards to give her everything she needs and she's the centre of the family because of her BPD storms. Her brother moved away interstate as soon as he was old enough to get away from her and their parents because of it.

I read a lot of material that describes invalidation as a cause. I don't think this was the case in my family though, and there was never any physical or other abuse.

Just wondering what other people think?

[Turkish]

This may help. I don't have a link at the moment:

Inborn Biogenetic Temperaments

The degree to which Borderline Personality Disorder is caused by inborn factors called the —level of heritability“ is estimated to be 68%. This is about the same as for bipolar disorder.

What is believed to be inherited is not the disorder, per se, but the biogenetic dispositions, i.e. temperaments (or as noted above, phenotypes). Specifically, BPD can develop only in those children who are born with one or more of the three temperaments noted above: Affective Dysregulation, Impulsivity, and Disturbed Attachments. Such temperaments represent an individual‘s predisposition to emotionality, impulsivity, or relationship problems. For children with these temperaments, environmental factors can then significantly delimit or exacerbate these inborn traits.

Many studies have shown that disorders of emotional regulation or impulsivity are disproportionately higher in relatives of BPD patients. The affect/emotion temperament predisposes individuals to being easily upset, angry, depressed, and anxious. The impulsivity temperament predisposes individuals to act without thinking of the consequences, or even to purposefully seek dangerous activities. The disturbed attachment temperament probably starts with extreme sensitivity to separations or rejections. Another theory has proposed that patients with BPD are born with excessive aggression which is genetically based (as opposed to being environmental in origin). A child born with a placid or passive temperament would be unlikely to ever develop BPD.

The fact that girls are more affiliative, and boys more instrumental, is believed to explain why there is a much higher frequency of females (i.e., approximately 75%) with the BPD diagnosis. This suggests that the disorder may be primarily a disorder of relationships. In contrast, antisocial personality disorder occurs disproportionately in males (about 75% of those diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder are male) and is thought to be primarily a disorder of action.

Normal neurological function is needed for such complex tasks as impulse control, regulation of emotions, and perception of social cues. Studies of BPD patients have identified an increased incidence of neurological dysfunctions, often subtle, that are discernible on close examination. The largest portion of the brain is the cerebrum, the upper section, where information is interpreted coming in from the senses, and from which conscious thoughts and voluntary movements are thought to emanate. Preliminary studies have found that individuals with BPD have a diminished serotonergic response to stimulation in these areas of the cerebrum and that the lower levels of brain activity may promote impulsive behavior. The limbic system, located at the center of the brain, is sometimes thought of as —the emotional brain“, and consists of the amygdala, hippocampus, thalamus, hypothalamus, and parts of the brain stem. There is evidence that the volume of the amgydala and hippocampus portions of the brain, so critical for emotional functioning, are smaller in those with BPD. It is not clear whether such neurological irregularities have either genetic or environmental sources.

In summary, research indicates that individuals who have difficulty with impulse control and aggression have reduced levels of activity in their brains in a number of key locations. It is theorized that in persons with BPD, mild to moderate impairments in several systems result in —errors“ in the gathering, dissemination, and interpretation of data, and they are consequently more likely to respond with acts of impulsivity or aggression. ~ John Gunderson, MD (2006)

[isshebpd]

Spoiling a child, and giving undeserved praise, is a form of abuse. On the surface, it would appear my uPDbro was given the best treatment. But he was the golden child. My sister and I were both scapegoated by uBPDmom at various times, but came out relatively mentally healthy.

[Deb]

My sister and I were neither abused or spoiled. We were not neglected. If it was caused by abuse, then I would be the BPD because of the abuse I was subjected to at the hands of my sister. I do think my grandmother and great aunt had BPD tendencies, if not BPD. My father had fleas.

[katie08]

I often wonder the same thing. Our childhood was very stable,  we have very loving parents who have always done everything they can for us. My sister is BPD and my brother and I are  fine.  They have always supported her and tried everything they could to get her to seek help without enabling her or treating me or my brother unfairly.  I spend a lot of time wondering why? What made her this way? Somedays she blames my parents and says they were horrible to her with no real concrete examples and other days she tells them how amazing they are and that they're the only reason there's any good in her at all.  It's very confusing. She was bullied some in junior high and I often wonder if that triggered it,  but come to find  out a lot of the things she was saying people were doing to her,  when we'd talk to the other person or the teachers we would get a completely different story and she was usually the root of the problem.  I've went to bat for her many times in the past only to look like a fool. 

[GreenGlit]

I think based on the research and literature, it's hard to say if there is any one "cause" that makes a person BPD. I have on sister who is undiagnosed, but likely borderline, whereas I have been told by many therapists that I do not have a personality disorder (just adjustment issues with my family).

I do agree that people can have genetic predispositions, and then their environment is such that BPD can develop. My mother, also BPD, created a chaotic and unstable environment. My sister was always emotionally unstable, volatile, and unable to manage the world in the way that I was. We grew up in the same environment yet as two completely different people. I think much of that may be due to genetics, and my personal desire to live a normal life and break from my family's mold.

There is something to be said about your comments concerning how you were raised - and how generous and kind your parents were. This was a big pitfall for me personally, because my parents gave me and my sister a lot. However, part of being a good parent is also withholding things at appropriate moments. If my sister threw a tantrum, my mother expected everyone in the family to yield to her wishes. They were very generous with her, but didn't see the toll it would take on me, the younger sibling who was always shown that what she wanted didn't matter. They couldn't see the value of demanding she develops emotional modulation, so she reached adulthood with a full-blown personality disorder.

This may not have been the case with you. Perhaps there were genetic predispositions in your family members that would have superseded any significant parental intervention. I have no clue. I think it's probably a mosaic of factors that make the big picture though.

[Pilpel]

The N/BPD person in my life is my SIL.  She claims her parents abused her.  But she always sees herself as the victim, even when she is being the bully.  Her parents may not be on the right end of the functional scale, but her mother has been honest about their difficulty with her and even warned my brother when he asked for her hand.  I think the truth is that her parents had a very difficult time disciplining her.  Disciple that would have been normal for them in their childhood -like being sent to their room without dinner- is abusive torment for their n/BPD daughter

[Meadowslark]

My younger sister is the BPD. We were both neglected and abused by our father, and I was neglected by our mother. I did not end up with BPD (or any personality disorder, according to my T), but she was diagnosed last year.

From growing up with her, I can't tell you if she was predisposed to become BPD and the abuse triggered it or not. She became a hellion at the tender age of 2 and never stopped - our father attempted to smother her when she was 2, which is what we believe to be the "triggering moment" for the downward spiral that is her life now. Without knowing it, mom basically enabled her all throughout life and I think that explains why she's almost completely incapable of functioning as an adult.

Since she went bananas at such a young age, we have no idea if she was "normal" before that point. Mom does say she was incredibly difficult as a baby, and very very colic-y and would get upset at the drop of a hat. She would shriek and scream and be almost inconsolable, whereas I was not a problem at all. She is not stable in any sense of the word and never really was - there were periods of calm that would punctuate the near-constant hurricane that was her.

I definitely think there could be a genetic component to BPD - that could explain why she developed it and I did not, even though we grew up in the same abusive environment. Neither one of us was a "golden child" in the traditional sense, either. She was the "problem child" who threw tantrums and got all the attention (good or bad) and when she did do something good, was lavished in praise. Meanwhile, I simply didn't exist. Our father is uNPD and our mother has a host of emotional and psychological issues stemming from growing up with sexual and physical abuse. Mental illness seems to run rampant on both sides of the family, so that lends a lot of credence to the genetic argument, from my perspective.

[wantyousafe]

Hi;

I'm the youngest of four daughters and between me and my eldest sister there is a 19 year difference. We are the "normal-ish" ones.

The gap between my eldest and the next sister is six years... my dad was a bit busy with world war 2! my eldest sister says that she was a quiet baby, who turned out to be schizophrenic... admitted to hospital for e.c... t etc.

A gap of eight years brought my next sister (miscarried baby boy in middle) who I'm now wondering is BPD.

and then me, born on christmas day five years later when my parents must have thought they'd got that out of the way, !

Anyway; my eldest sister grew up in a stable,loving environment without my dad and was 100% pro-mom in what came next.

I came along when, I always thought, the relationship was tired/resigned.I felt that my parents didn't like each other much but that they both loved me.Wedding anniversary celebrations were unknown (it turns out that sister 1 was on the way and dad wasn't very happy about it?)

The middle sisters came in the "turbulent" years and my uBPD sister feels that she was tormented by my mother because as a young child she'd accidently told my dad that my mom was having an affair ( the other version is that she was a naughty child who knew how to wind my mom up!) and that my dad, who she adored, used to moan to her about my mom!

My mother was a very intelligent woman raised in an environment of complete poverty with an alcoholic, wife-beating father (definite ptsd from ww1)... his instability totally marred her childhood and in the 1920's/30's the only way out would have been marriage.Maybe she'd seen an escape with my dad but he was too immature and resentful of being "caught". her idea of marriage can probably be summarised "you've made your bed,you've got to lie in it"... .

Nature/nurture... .I'd say they work together.

[unattached-sis]

I agree with most of the people here. There is genetic predisposition and certain personality types that just seem more likely to have or develop BPD. I grew up as one of 3 kids in a stable, loving home. My brother and I dealt with mental health issues after the death of my dad, but my BPD sister's troubles started long before that. There are environmental factors in our family that didn't affect my brother and I but could have affected my BPD sister. For example, my dad was military and would be gone overseas for months at a time. That definitely affected the dynamic of the household. My mom wasn't abusive in any way, but looking back, I do think that my BPD sister felt like she was emotionally abused at times. She had the "why is everyone always picking on me" victim mentality, and I think my parents' strict (but consistent and fair) rules and consequenses felt very unfair to her, very unbalanced. I also wonder if I had anything to do with her development. I'm the oldest, and I always did well in school and my teachers always loved me and hoped that my younger sister would be just like me. I didn't mean to be that way. But I wonder if she resented my success and the idea that teachers hoped she would just follow in my footsteps, and I wonder if this pushed her to go the other way.

I'm rambling. Point is, my family life was fine- consistent, balanced, loving, fair. But I think if you asked my BPD sister about her family life, you'd get a whole different interpretation. So yeah- I think it has more to do with the personality that you're born with than the environment you're raised in.

[Thread]

My HBPD's mother I think is Bpd in DBT therapy and was abused by her father who now I

Thinking may be Bpd. His father tried to jump off a cliff and kill himself... .Who knows what he has, definitely both parents are on antidepressants and seem to be antisocial or agoraphobic. Not sure which came first.

My mother is uBPD and I believe my sister is uBPD. My mother's mom died when she was young and also had electric shock therapy and now my mom says she believes she may have had BPD. My sister has always freaked out emotionally on us and has been highly manipulating and harassing even now and we're in our 30s. She also shows signs of narcissistic tendencies. The world revolves around her. She wa Amy maid of honor for my wedding and did nothing for it and yelled at me about how busy and important her life was and how she didn't have time for anything. She worked during my wedding week and it was a destination wedding, she made up a job and brought it to Hawaii. Later she talks bout how not fun my wedding was and why I didn't get anything borrowed or blue etc. 

We were all emotionally abused growing up. My parents relationship was and is still dysfunctional.

This is why I married a BPD man. I didn't notice because it probably felt normal to me. I moved away when I was 18 to get away from my mom and didn't realize how terrible my sisters treatment was until being away for over 10 years. Since returning it's so obvious to me of their emotional instabilities.

[Circle]

She was my maid of honor for my wedding and did nothing for it and yelled at me about how busy and important her life was and how she didn't have time for anything. She worked during my wedding week and it was a destination wedding, she made up a job and brought it to Hawaii. Later she talks bout how not fun my wedding was and why I didn't get anything borrowed or blue etc. 

That stinks! What a pain she sounds like.

[Thread]

Circle,

Oh the stories I have about my mother and sister. But somehow I was the "black sheep" if the black sheep are the normal ones  

One for example baby sitting my nephew, she is three hours late, we are watching a film it's 5-10 before it ends - she lays on her horn outside of my flat, at midnight, wakes the neighbors, and feels she had the right to call me a b___.

Free babysitting, dinner and dessert, just wanted to spend quality time with my nephew. All because she couldn't just walk into the house and wait 5 minutes.

Let's not forget the pretend death threats by anonymous mail, to her friends ex boyfriend for breaking up with her when they were 17. It was a joke, but a little crazy, enough it freaked the boy out his parents called the police.

Yet my mother calls me the crazy one.

[Circle]

Yet my mother calls me the crazy one.

I'm the black sheep too. My family is split in two though. At my father's house, I get that sort of treatment from my step mom. It's a pain. Lots of stories too. Now, I am walking on eggshells with a borderline friend. I'll figure it out eventually. 

[Thread]

Hopefully we all figure it out one day! The more I open up to people about it in my life the more I find out how many people either have it or are surrounded by BPD.

[Notwendy]

Being in ACOA called my attention to intergenerational patterns. The idea that one can have these patterns that get passed on in generations even if nobody is drinking interested me. Then I started looking at the generations in my family. I don't know all the research but my idea is that BPD is the result of genetic tendency and environment. Some people seem to be more resilient than others. Also the roles in the family may have influence- scapegoat, golden child and so on.

My mother has BPD. She has a sibling and that sibling seems quite normal and seems to have a loving close family. However, they are also co-dependent, enabling and enmeshed. In the next generation there are members who seem quite OK and others who are not. Going back to my mother's parents/grandparents, I suspect abuse because the family seems so intent on keeping secrets and denial. I also look at this in historical context- people didn't know much about mental illness and would keep quiet for fear of family shame and reputation. Shame can also be passed on from generations.

So, one doesn't have to have an abusive parent to have PBD, but families with BPD, addictions, co-dependency, shame may create the environment that can foster these behaviors. That is a big incentive to work on our own FOO and an optimistic idea that one of us can improve on these behaviors in ourselves and our families, even if we can not control the genetics.

[Starting_Over]

I think it is very hard to objectively say whether you had healthy parents or not. I was largely blind to the extent of the toxicity in my family until I started therapy. Toxicity is not just big things; it can be small things you might not notice like gossiping about extended family.

My sister (who I believe has some of the traits from my dad) denies that there was any abuse, and that my dad is just quirky. Unfortunately, I was also her outlet for letting out aggression as a child.