BPD Roommate hates me

[Sunny1395]

Hello,

I'm very new to this and not really sure what I'm doing, so please bear with me if this is the wrong forum! But I am living with someone who has BPD, and I'm honestly at the end of my rope.

Let me say we are not romantically involved- he's a gay boy, I'm a straight girl. We're college students and we live with one other girl whose never around. I didn't know him for very long at all before we signed a lease together- only 3 weeks or so. We just really hit it off right away, and connected on our struggles with mental illness in the past (depression and anxiety). I knew he dealt with other ___ besides that, but I didn't know how severe it was until we moved in together.

We started fighting right away when we moved in together, prior to which we never fought at all. It felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything right. We'd have 3 good days and 4 bad days. He'd tell me not to text him, then send me 10+ messages just yelling at me telling me how terrible I was. The anger seemed to come out of nowhere, especially because I am a very slow to anger person. I never yelled back, I just scrambled to try to get him to stop and make the relationship work. After all, we had to live together- I just wanted it to be smooth. I noticed he'd change his opinion on everyone in his life all the time, me included. Some days he'd tell me his friend was the worst and he never wanted to speak to them again and they were bad for him, then the next day he'd love them again.

Recently, our fights have escalated to being too much. He's barreled down my bedroom door to scream at me, then threatened to call the cops on me when I raise my voice. He wrote rude things about me on social media, then blocked me on every form of communication so I couldn't try to ask him what was going on. Sometimes he'll even pre-emptivly block me- he'll tell me not to say anything else to him when I wasn't even planning on it, then tell me how he has to block me so he can "enjoy his night." He even slammed a door on my hand when I was trying to talk to him one night, then told me it was my fault for having my hand in the door frame.

Now, he's recently decided I am completely and totally all bad to him. He won't even be cordial to me. He tells me we're not friends, we never were friends (which is ridiculous- we went through hell and back together), and that he could never be friends with "someone like me." It's incredibly hurtful because he knows how much he meant to me, and it feels like he likes knowing he can hurt me that way. I have to continue to live with him because we signed another lease when things were going well and we can't get out of it now. I'm looking for subleasers, but not having much luck. I'd love to make our friendship work, but I don't know if he'll ever stop looking at me in such a negative way because I didnt do anything to have him start looking at me that way. It's really hard because he was someone I considered my best friend at one point, and now he tells me I'm a stranger to him. I don't know how to handle the situation or how to be around him, which I have to be because we live together. What should I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi Sunny1395,



I'm glad that you found us. 

First, it's good that you have kept your cool. Responding in kind could escalate things, which it sounds like you already know. I'm sorry that you are trapped by your lease right now, but his behavior sounds concerning. Slammng the door on your hand is an act of violence. Do you feel safe right now?

Turkish

[Grey Kitty]

Welcome here--even though this is not a romantic relationship, the tools and support you find around here are going to work just as well as if it was. Because you are living with him, you are closer/more intimate with him, and that is more difficult/stressful for him. Just the same as it would be if you did get into a romantic relationship with him.

Think about what the consequences of breaking your lease would be. It isn't a good choice. It may be a better choice than staying. At one level, it is only money.

I don't think you should let his threats to call the police worry you too much--in a domestic situation, authorities are biased to blame men for violence. That he is instigating it and being violent puts both things in your favor.

His ignoring you is hurtful from somebody you think of as a friend... .but at least relatively safe for you!

 For now, hang in there, and take care of yourself.

[livednlearned]

Hi Sunny1395,

I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with anxiety and depression, and hope you're managing ok.

How are things going at the moment with your roommate? He definitely sounds like he has BPD traits and behaviors, the splitting and push/pull behaviors, and impulsivity, plus having very labile emotions.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, and for the most part, agreeing to be in a BPD relationships means accepting that you will have to be the emotional leader. This can change if he were to ever seek treatment, but for now he is who he is. What is helpful about the skills you learn here is that they will help in all kinds of relationships, not just BPD.

Can you give us some idea about how the fights start, what causes them? Maybe if we have a better sense of the arguments and what the triggers are, what gets said, we can help point out some common pitfalls that can be very triggering to someone with the heightened emotional sensitivity of a BPD sufferer.

LnL