Introduction: Recalibrating and Moving Forward from the Ghosts

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, everyone. I am brand new to this site and wanted to post an introduction. I am coming out of a relationship of about six months with a person whom I suspect has BPD--or, at least, possesses many of the traits and characteristics of a person with the disorder. I don't think it is fair for me to try and diagnose her; I can only go based on my experiences with her words, actions, and behaviors. Here is my story:

At the end of January, somehow in casual conversation, the idea of moving in together over the summer was brought up to me. Being still early on in the relation ship (~ 5 mos.), I thought that it was too soon to start talking about. I don't remember my exact words, but I do know that I expressed this thought, and that it was not received well. Her response started from discomfort to sheer panic and rage. The interpretation she had of my response was that I was not as into the relationship -- that she was more invested. I did my best to assure her that I was 100% committed to her and the relationship, and certainly would like to continue to build our relationship and have living together as a goal. I was taking this relationship seriously. After a couple weeks of circular debates and arguments, I broke up with her. The sheer intensity and incessant feeling of being in the wrong for merely wanting to take our relationship through healthy stages simply pushed me off the cliff. During the time of our discussions, I had spent several days and long nights at her place trying to be there and talk it through--but at the end of that, I was told "you're not there for me," and that I was worse than her purportedly "abusive ex." I would like to note that I have never and would never lay a finger on anyone--particularly someone that I love. I was raised in a home run by women, am a soft-spoken person (perhaps, to a fault), and would never intentionally hurt someone for any reason. While we were having our discussions pre-breakup, there were many instances where I was berated and belittled. I was not sleeping or eating; I couldn't focus on my very stressful job; and I felt completely trapped and unloved. I finally broke it off when she had insisted that I had issues that I needed to deal with--notwithstanding the many manic and terrifying episodes she had, one instance of which I was caught in during a session with my therapist. I had to tell her that we needed space and time, which she refuted and threatened to come to my house (this happened on more than one occasion). I was blamed for "creating the situation." I was "not who she thought I was." I was "just like everyone else." It's difficult, as I'm sure many of you know, to describe completely how these situations unfold. In one moment, I was a "hero" (which I was word for word told), and the next I am the worst person imaginable. Immediately after we had broken up, I received innumerable amounts of texts, voicemails, emails, etc. trying to exploit every vulnerability and insecurity I ever shared with her. It was some of the most hurtful stuff that's ever been said to me. So, I blocked her number and tried to deal with that pain for a few days. During this time, she was emailing me every day--but, strangely, the emails quickly started to turn from "you are such a bad person" to "I still love you." I was slowly convinced to opening up the lines of communication again (mistake). We began talking again, but she started exhibiting a lot of exhausting patterns of behavior again--oftentimes, returning to cruelty and hurtfulness.

The last time I saw her, it was the day after I had begrudgingly met her in which she convinced me that we should try to be friends and see what it turns into. In trying to work on this, I had tried messaging her that night in friendly conversation--she was cold and short, so I stopped and put my phone away until the next afternoon. Once I looked at it again, I had several messages of panic and fury. I knew that this was unfolding into another hurtful cycle, so I decided right then that I was going to call her and tell her this wasn't going to work. When I called, she was infuriated and screamed at me that I had not returned her messages to let her know I was okay after driving home late. I told her I was fine and that she did not need to worry. She blamed me for knowing that she has "anxiety" and that I can't do this to her. From there, she said that either I come meet her at the local pub or that she was coming to my house (again, not the first time this threat happened). Being alone at the time, I did not want her to come to my house, so I again caved and met her. At the pub, she loudly attacked me, again digging into some insecurities of my past. This lasted for about 1-2 hours, until she said something that led me to walking out. She chased after me, apologizing and saying how much she loved me, etc. I told her that I couldn't do this and it wasn't going to work. She said "NO," and "YES, we will work this out." I tried to walk away from the situation, but she very tightly grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go. I asked her several times to please let go, but she wouldn't--not until I started talking to her again. She demanded that I close her bar tab with her, which I knew was a ploy so that I couldn't leave. No matter what I did, I was trapped. I felt like yelling out to a stranger for help, but I knew they wouldn't understand or be able to help. I was starting to get truly terrified of the situation. Once she closed her tab, true to her form, she followed me and would not leave me alone when I tried to get to my car and leave. I told her I didn't want her to come with me and asked her to please go home. The only was that she would do so, according to her, was that if I went with her, or if I called the police--but if I did the latter, I would be "ruining her life" and "if that's a decision I want to make, I can do that and try to live with it." Panicking again, I continued to try and convince her that I would call her a cab home. There was no persuading her. It was her way or the highway. I caved and took her home. She wanted to make a stop at the store for alcohol, and wouldn't initially get out of the car unless I GAVE HER MY CELL PHONE. She didn't want me "calling anyone." Eventually, she went inside and we went back to her apartment. Knowing her, what was going in the situation, and how she was acting, I knew waiting until she got out of my car and then bailing was not an option. She would not let me out of her sight. So, there I was. In her apartment and she is now "trying to have a rational conversation about how we can move forward." I was mostly silent during this, but I said I couldn't do this. At the time, I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner, and he was waiting for me. I received a text from him--he was infuriated. I felt awful. I tried to walk out the door, but she came out screaming. I again told her I couldn't do this. She stood in front of the door and locked it. If I tried to walk up to the door and leave, she pushed me away. She told me that we just need to lay down and talk. Again, seeing the situation, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do but wait it out. So, we laid down. From there, she kept putting her face in front of my face saying "the only thing we haven't tried is to be together again, so can we be together? Can we be together? Can we be together? Can we be together?" Over and over. At least 30 minutes of this. I was silent. In shock. In tears. At some point, she got very red in the face and started crying herself, saying "I'm not this person; I don't want to be this person." But she eventually continued. She tried every trick in the book, including trying to have sex with me. She eventually started saying some awful and hurtful things to me again--particularly when I wouldn't have sex with her. The sun was coming up and we both fell asleep for about an hour or two from exhaustion. When I woke up, I heard on the phone say "I wouldn't let him leave." I got up and heard her go outside. I walked outside, she looked up with a very terrified look on her face, saying "I feel horrible for what I did. If I don't contact you anymore, can you please not call the police?" I said okay, and goodbye. I left in complete shambles. One of my best friends was infuriated at me. I felt like I had no one I could go to. So many difficult and overwhelming emotions coupled with exhaustion--not just from the night I just had, but from the past MONTH--of circular, emotional abuse from this person. Within a matter of a few days, she started contacting me again. It started slow, evolved into love-bombing, and eventually (within the past few days) impatience and nastiness. She had told me (in summary) how much she loved me, was starting to see a therapist/psychiatrist, explain that she had not dealt with previous difficult emotions and what happened was because anxiety overcame her, and that she was going to keep her heart open to me, however long it took for me to try and reconnect. I knew I couldn't reach out. It was too painful--and I couldn't trust or believe her words. I continued going no contact throughout all of this. I could see her starting to turn it all around by asking "how could I do this?" (not speak to her) when I knew what a difficult time she was going through. She was turning herself into the victim of her own self-sabotaging, perverted, and monstrous perception and behavior. Eventually, I was given the ultimatum: cut out everyone she knew from social media, or tell her bluntly that there was no hope. I did neither, but I did block her from my social media. She took that as a response, emailed me and told me how immature I was to do that, that she didn't think I could be so "awful," and "good luck."

I imagine I have now been completely discarded by her. I question, though, whether that means she'll stop contacting me. I imagine that, now, any contact I receive from her will be very hurtful and attacking. During some of her last communication, she mentioned that she was looking in other areas to move to since I would not speak to her. We live in a fairly small city and the chances of running into her are quite likely. So, I would like to ask all of you: how did you handle encountering your ex in public if your experience was like mine? I am not going to live my life in fear and not leave me house. I am trying to work towards being strong in that regard. But based on my experience, I have a lot of fear that I will encounter her and be verbally/physically assaulted. Part of me doubts that will happen if it's in public, but I can't trust her in any regard. I want to live a happy, peaceful, and loving life. I am working hard with my therapist (now engaging in EMDR therapy, which supposedly works well with these situations). I started taking yoga classes several times a week. I am trying to build myself up to be the person I know I am inside. A lot of this experience and pain, is very reminiscent of difficult childhood experiences that I had with my father--in fact, it is eerily parallel. I am working through this. But the light at the end of the tunnel seems very dim at this point. My ego was completely destroyed -- and I'm trying to see my role in all of this. I was not assertive. I did not put my foot down. I put too much of my self-worth into her hands. I can't give another person that kind of power. By what she had said about me, you would think I am a truly awful person--but I know that's not the truth. Whether she's borderline or not, immature people with hurt emotions find it easier to project and place the blame on someone else rather than take a look at themselves and the pain they feel inside. The truth is, I don't want her to feel pain or hate me, or have anything between us be blanketed in animosity. But I can't save her, even though that's what she so desperately wanted from me. I can't make her feel okay. That is up to her and her alone--to face the demons inside her. I am trying to do the same--face the ghosts of the past that haunting me, including hers. It's shocking to many people that I feel this way. People think I should have "nothing to worry about," that I have so much going for me (attractive, good job, strong principles, etc.) I'm left, though, feeling empty inside, even less like my true and caring self--because I couldn't care for her through this. This is all immensely complex, I am learning, as I am reading and continuing to sift through my emotions. I would like to learn more from all of you that have had similar experiences: What got you through this? How did you leave any worry or fear behind you in moving forward when you live near the person? How long does this last? What can I do? How can I live to be my best self again?

[Fateful]

Hello, everyone. I am brand new to this site and wanted to post an introduction. I am coming out of a relationship of about six months with a person whom I suspect has BPD--or, at least, possesses many of the traits and characteristics of a person with the disorder. I don't think it is fair for me to try and diagnose her; I can only go based on my experiences with her words, actions, and behaviors. Here is my story:

At the end of January, somehow in casual conversation, the idea of moving in together over the summer was brought up to me. Being still early on in the relation ship (~ 5 mos.), I thought that it was too soon to start talking about. I don't remember my exact words, but I do know that I expressed this thought, and that it was not received well. Her response started from discomfort to sheer panic and rage. The interpretation she had of my response was that I was not as into the relationship -- that she was more invested. I did my best to assure her that I was 100% committed to her and the relationship, and certainly would like to continue to build our relationship and have living together as a goal. I was taking this relationship seriously. After a couple weeks of circular debates and arguments, I broke up with her. The sheer intensity and incessant feeling of being in the wrong for merely wanting to take our relationship through healthy stages simply pushed me off the cliff. During the time of our discussions, I had spent several days and long nights at her place trying to be there and talk it through--but at the end of that, I was told "you're not there for me," and that I was worse than her purportedly "abusive ex." I would like to note that I have never and would never lay a finger on anyone--particularly someone that I love. I was raised in a home run by women, am a soft-spoken person (perhaps, to a fault), and would never intentionally hurt someone for any reason. While we were having our discussions pre-breakup, there were many instances where I was berated and belittled. I was not sleeping or eating; I couldn't focus on my very stressful job; and I felt completely trapped and unloved. I finally broke it off when she had insisted that I had issues that I needed to deal with--notwithstanding the many manic and terrifying episodes she had, one instance of which I was caught in during a session with my therapist. I had to tell her that we needed space and time, which she refuted and threatened to come to my house (this happened on more than one occasion). I was blamed for "creating the situation." I was "not who she thought I was." I was "just like everyone else." It's difficult, as I'm sure many of you know, to describe completely how these situations unfold. In one moment, I was a "hero" (which I was word for word told), and the next I am the worst person imaginable. Immediately after we had broken up, I received innumerable amounts of texts, voicemails, emails, etc. trying to exploit every vulnerability and insecurity I ever shared with her. It was some of the most hurtful stuff that's ever been said to me. So, I blocked her number and tried to deal with that pain for a few days. During this time, she was emailing me every day--but, strangely, the emails quickly started to turn from "you are such a bad person" to "I still love you." I was slowly convinced to opening up the lines of communication again (mistake). We began talking again, but she started exhibiting a lot of exhausting patterns of behavior again--oftentimes, returning to cruelty and hurtfulness.

The last time I saw her, it was the day after I had begrudgingly met her in which she convinced me that we should try to be friends and see what it turns into. In trying to work on this, I had tried messaging her that night in friendly conversation--she was cold and short, so I stopped and put my phone away until the next afternoon. Once I looked at it again, I had several messages of panic and fury. I knew that this was unfolding into another hurtful cycle, so I decided right then that I was going to call her and tell her this wasn't going to work. When I called, she was infuriated and screamed at me that I had not returned her messages to let her know I was okay after driving home late. I told her I was fine and that she did not need to worry. She blamed me for knowing that she has "anxiety" and that I can't do this to her. From there, she said that either I come meet her at the local pub or that she was coming to my house (again, not the first time this threat happened). Being alone at the time, I did not want her to come to my house, so I again caved and met her. At the pub, she loudly attacked me, again digging into some insecurities of my past. This lasted for about 1-2 hours, until she said something that led me to walking out. She chased after me, apologizing and saying how much she loved me, etc. I told her that I couldn't do this and it wasn't going to work. She said "NO," and "YES, we will work this out." I tried to walk away from the situation, but she very tightly grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go. I asked her several times to please let go, but she wouldn't--not until I started talking to her again. She demanded that I close her bar tab with her, which I knew was a ploy so that I couldn't leave. No matter what I did, I was trapped. I felt like yelling out to a stranger for help, but I knew they wouldn't understand or be able to help. I was starting to get truly terrified of the situation. Once she closed her tab, true to her form, she followed me and would not leave me alone when I tried to get to my car and leave. I told her I didn't want her to come with me and asked her to please go home. The only was that she would do so, according to her, was that if I went with her, or if I called the police--but if I did the latter, I would be "ruining her life" and "if that's a decision I want to make, I can do that and try to live with it." Panicking again, I continued to try and convince her that I would call her a cab home. There was no persuading her. It was her way or the highway. I caved and took her home. She wanted to make a stop at the store for alcohol, and wouldn't initially get out of the car unless I GAVE HER MY CELL PHONE. She didn't want me "calling anyone." Eventually, she went inside and we went back to her apartment. Knowing her, what was going in the situation, and how she was acting, I knew waiting until she got out of my car and then bailing was not an option. She would not let me out of her sight. So, there I was. In her apartment and she is now "trying to have a rational conversation about how we can move forward." I was mostly silent during this, but I said I couldn't do this. At the time, I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner, and he was waiting for me. I received a text from him--he was infuriated. I felt awful. I tried to walk out the door, but she came out screaming. I again told her I couldn't do this. She stood in front of the door and locked it. If I tried to walk up to the door and leave, she pushed me away. She told me that we just need to lay down and talk. Again, seeing the situation, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do but wait it out. So, we laid down. From there, she kept putting her face in front of my face saying "the only thing we haven't tried is to be together again, so can we be together? Can we be together? Can we be together? Can we be together?" Over and over. At least 30 minutes of this. I was silent. In shock. In tears. At some point, she got very red in the face and started crying herself, saying "I'm not this person; I don't want to be this person." But she eventually continued. She tried every trick in the book, including trying to have sex with me. She eventually started saying some awful and hurtful things to me again--particularly when I wouldn't have sex with her. The sun was coming up and we both fell asleep for about an hour or two from exhaustion. When I woke up, I heard on the phone say "I wouldn't let him leave." I got up and heard her go outside. I walked outside, she looked up with a very terrified look on her face, saying "I feel horrible for what I did. If I don't contact you anymore, can you please not call the police?" I said okay, and goodbye. I left in complete shambles. One of my best friends was infuriated at me. I felt like I had no one I could go to. So many difficult and overwhelming emotions coupled with exhaustion--not just from the night I just had, but from the past MONTH--of circular, emotional abuse from this person. Within a matter of a few days, she started contacting me again. It started slow, evolved into love-bombing, and eventually (within the past few days) impatience and nastiness. She had told me (in summary) how much she loved me, was starting to see a therapist/psychiatrist, explain that she had not dealt with previous difficult emotions and what happened was because anxiety overcame her, and that she was going to keep her heart open to me, however long it took for me to try and reconnect. I knew I couldn't reach out. It was too painful--and I couldn't trust or believe her words. I continued going no contact throughout all of this. I could see her starting to turn it all around by asking "how could I do this?" (not speak to her) when I knew what a difficult time she was going through. She was turning herself into the victim of her own self-sabotaging, perverted, and monstrous perception and behavior. Eventually, I was given the ultimatum: cut out everyone she knew from social media, or tell her bluntly that there was no hope. I did neither, but I did block her from my social media. She took that as a response, emailed me and told me how immature I was to do that, that she didn't think I could be so "awful," and "good luck."

I imagine I have now been completely discarded by her. I question, though, whether that means she'll stop contacting me. I imagine that, now, any contact I receive from her will be very hurtful and attacking. During some of her last communication, she mentioned that she was looking in other areas to move to since I would not speak to her. We live in a fairly small city and the chances of running into her are quite likely. So, I would like to ask all of you: how did you handle encountering your ex in public if your experience was like mine? I am not going to live my life in fear and not leave me house. I am trying to work towards being strong in that regard. But based on my experience, I have a lot of fear that I will encounter her and be verbally/physically assaulted. Part of me doubts that will happen if it's in public, but I can't trust her in any regard. I want to live a happy, peaceful, and loving life. I am working hard with my therapist (now engaging in EMDR therapy, which supposedly works well with these situations). I started taking yoga classes several times a week. I am trying to build myself up to be the person I know I am inside. A lot of this experience and pain, is very reminiscent of difficult childhood experiences that I had with my father--in fact, it is eerily parallel. I am working through this. But the light at the end of the tunnel seems very dim at this point. My ego was completely destroyed -- and I'm trying to see my role in all of this. I was not assertive. I did not put my foot down. I put too much of my self-worth into her hands. I can't give another person that kind of power. By what she had said about me, you would think I am a truly awful person--but I know that's not the truth. Whether she's borderline or not, immature people with hurt emotions find it easier to project and place the blame on someone else rather than take a look at themselves and the pain they feel inside. The truth is, I don't want her to feel pain or hate me, or have anything between us be blanketed in animosity. But I can't save her, even though that's what she so desperately wanted from me. I can't make her feel okay. That is up to her and her alone--to face the demons inside her. I am trying to do the same--face the ghosts of the past that haunting me, including hers. It's shocking to many people that I feel this way. People think I should have "nothing to worry about," that I have so much going for me (attractive, good job, strong principles, etc.) I'm left, though, feeling empty inside, even less like my true and caring self--because I couldn't care for her through this. This is all immensely complex, I am learning, as I am reading and continuing to sift through my emotions. I would like to learn more from all of you that have had similar experiences: What got you through this? How did you leave any worry or fear behind you in moving forward when you live near the person? How long does this last? What can I do? How can I live to be my best self again?

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. You're right we can't diagnose but we can look at borderline traits. I can see how emotionally distressing that would feel when we feel trapped. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you. I'd like to welcome you to our discussions.

I'll answer your questions. Everyone is different with a pwBPD that have different personalities, BPD is a spectrum disorder. I was really hurt the first time that I ran into my ex wife in public, she was an affair and I saw with him with her. She looked at me and smiled, that really stung.

I live close to my ex too but I had to self protect for a few months because I was split black. I had to stop the bleeding so I went minimal contact ( we have kids )

and started to set boundaries. It was really tough at first, the support from these forums helped immensely. As I mentioned earlier, healing is different for everyone.

What helps is to read as much as you can about BPD so that you can depersonalize the behaviors and become indifferent. Your ex displays push /  pull behavior. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy and can't sustain healthy adult emotional intimacy, intimacy triggers the disorder. The distance the triggers the fear of abandonment so the pwBPD pull. The push / pull behavior feels like crazy making behavior to a non disordered person.

The lessons are on the right side of the board.

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

You're not alone.


----Mutt

[peace74]

Hello  

While I can't answer all your questions as I am going through a learning and healing process myself, I do feel bad you are dealing with this situation.  You have come to the right place to get support and learn more about your behavior and feelings and hers.  I know how people that you know can say things that make it seem so easy to walk away from a relationship like this.  This usually isn't the case and just makes you feel like nobody understands.

It sounds like she has an excessive issue with boundaries.  Her behavior does seem very scary.  However, you have to be clear on your boundaries.  I know you feel you didn't have a choice in all these examples (at the bar, at her house) and that you were just trying to do what you had to do to appease her enough so you could leave but you did have a choice.  Sometimes, no matter how much we care about someone we have to do what is right for us.  

I don't know how she will react if she sees you in public.  She may drop off the radar because of the way she has acted.  She may go the other way and act like a stalker.  Only time will tell.  You cannot let her control your life or actions.  I would take things one step at a time.  If there is further contact with her you need to be as validating to her as possible but still be very clear on what you want, what your boundaries are.  I would try not to engage her or contact her.  If need be you may have to get the police or courts involved if she does try to physically prevent you from coming or going, harms or threatens you in any way.  However, I would take it one step at a time and not assume how she is going to react.

It definitely sounds like you are a people pleaser and do not want to hurt others.  I am this way also.  However, you cannot sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.  It sounds like you are very clear and aware that you do not want to be in a relationship with her and that is great.  Some of us take a long time to even get to that point.

Take advantage of the "Tools" section to help you deal with your situation.  

[Fateful]

Thanks for your replies, guys. Yes, boundary issues are a major theme in my experience. I guess I need to play it by ear at this point. It seems as though she has at last discarded me. Her lease is up in less than two months, which was a point she brought up to try and Charm me back in. That if I didn't start talking to her, it would exacerbate her desire to leave. That's all I'm hoping for -- that she will leave this town. It will hurt tremendously, but perhaps not as much as seeing her around town. I know that will be a gut punch every time, even if she does nothing.

Tonight, I decided to go down to a local bar for a drink alone to prove to myself I could do it without fear. It was in a town right outside hers, it went fine; however, it was a place we had gone to together a couple times and it brought up some old feelings. That's what I've been struggling with the past few days since discard. I've been through the paradoxical longing and rejecting the idea of her dangerous self several times the past couple months. But it's resurfacing. I know I can't contact her. That seems to be a common theme here for people at this stage from what I've read: this feeling of knowing what happens when you contact this person, but having a deep-seated desire to do so regardless. Almost something uncontrollable; like a drug. I know dating right after something like this is mostly not recommended, but I almost feel as though it might be a good idea. To validate myself a little bit, as selfish as that might be. I've just been having a big struggle meeting people. I work from home and don't want to do the online dating thing -- that's how I met my ex. I wish I had some insight or more comfidence into how to approach strangers. I know I have a lot to offer -- it's just hard as many people know. I think I have a better understanding of my role in this and the things to look out for, but I'm lonely. I don't want to try to fill this void with another body. But I've been ready for a serious relationship for a while now-- I was doing all the right things with the WRONG person, and that is killing me.

This seems like a supportive community, and I hope that I can contribute in some way.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Fateful,

I'd like to join in and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup, and I'm glad you found us. This site has amazing resources and members who can very much relate to what you are going through. We're here to support you through this. I can tell you from personal experience that things DO get better. You sound like a very self-aware person; I'm confident you will recover and thrive again. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Healing takes time and effort, but it is so worth it.  

That seems to be a common theme here for people at this stage from what I've read: this feeling of knowing what happens when you contact this person, but having a deep-seated desire to do so regardless. Almost something uncontrollable; like a drug.

It IS like a drug; like an addiction. Many of us have been there, and it is very hard to get through—but you can do it. Have a look at the stages of abandonment and see if they resonate:  The Five Stages of Abandonment - Susan Anderson, MSW

I know dating right after something like this is mostly not recommended, but I almost feel as though it might be a good idea. To validate myself a little bit, as selfish as that might be. I'm lonely. I don't want to try to fill this void with another body. But I've been ready for a serious relationship for a while now-- I was doing all the right things with the WRONG person, and that is killing me.

You express this so well, Fateful. Your feelings are very understandable and normal. If you can simply let yourself feel the loneliness, the sorrow, the sadness, it will help you recover. I know how hard it is; it's the last thing any of us want to do sometimes: feel. But there is no other way through this. Are you seeing a therapist? It helped me tremendously to get through my sudden and painful breakup.

Hang in there, Fateful. Keep writing and let us know how we can best support you.  

heartandwhole