Love of my life has BPD and I can't help

[oz geary]

So I've been with a woman who has BPD for about 18 months. She knows she has BPD and has been in group therapy for about 3 years, she told me she had it not long  after we met. I've read and researched an awful lot so I knw my story will sound familiar. At first it was amazing, for a good 8 months it was the best. I've never known anything like it. She is beautiful, kind, funny, the list goes on. We have had very similar childhoods but mine was nowhere near as tough as hers from what shes said. She lives with her mum, who has PTSD, depression, fibromyalgia and many traits of BPD. Neither of them work and are both on disability allowence. They do not get on. Sometimes they hate each other's guts. My gf is very depressed being in that environment and i wish I could take her out of it but I can only just pay my rent in a shared house, let alone trying to hold down a 1 bedroom flat for us both. Because I know the environment at her place is not good for her I invited her to stop at my shared house as much as she wanted to. Many times she split and verbally/emotionally abused me. She has called all my family and my friends horrible things. She's called me the worst. I've developed a stomach ulcer and have a persistent pain in my heart like a knitting needle sticking in my chest. I have also had panic attacks and have constant anxiety. Because she would say she was suicidal in the mornings, I would take the days of work to be with her and help her in any way I could. This eventually lost me my job. We have split and gotten back together about 6 or 7 times.

She has hit me on 4 separate occasions. I have never even pushed her.

My gf even punched her mum in the face during a fight, then when I took my gf out in the garden to get some air n try to calm down, she accused me of not being on her side. I tried to hug her and she headbutted me and split my nose open. Her mum called police and my gf was arrested. I didn't press charges though. It was said by police and (apparently) a doctor, that me and my gf's family should write down all the instances of paranoia, delusion, suicidal threats and violence, with a view to having her sectioned.

I don't like that idea at all but haven't heard any more about it.

Anyway, we split for 2 months, then, after email conversations about how much we still love each other, we tried again. That was in January. She started staying round mine alot again but her behaviour/attitude, my other house mates made complaints to my landlord and he kicked me out. So I moved in with her and her mum, hoping things would be better if I was there. 4 nights ago I came home from helping my mum on her garden and I got a cold shoulder, passive aggressive behaviour and no warmth or love from her. I asked what was wrong, in the end she said she didn't believe I'd been at my mum's and that she thought I was cheating. I defended myself, showing her the pics of the garden and even the txt conversation between me n my mum. In the end I couldn't take it any more. I love her but the thought of going through this emotional wringer every morning and evening scares me. I'm afraid it'll literally be the death of me. So, even though I didn't want to, I left. I took all my things and I'm now sleeping on my mum's floor. I feel so sad about it all. I wanted to help her, support her and have a future with her. But I can't take it any more. I've written a pros and cons list and the cons outway the pros, but I still can't get over how much she has made me feel. I love her completely, and wish we could b happy and stress free, but it never going to happen  :'(   

She shouted "have u given up on me then?" The answer is 'no!' But I think I've given up on 'us'. It breaks my heart to leave her, but I know it's healthier for me to do so. But what about her? I'm gutted and really messed up in the head. I've tried no contact, its too hard, I've tried being normal n civil, she doesn't respond, I've lost my temper and sent some pretty nasty (but true) messages to her in the past when we've split up before. I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I'd just like someone to give me their take on things. I think I'm doing the right thing by leaving her, but I can't help feel sad and worried for her. Will she always be like this? Will she actually comit suicide this time? She says she has 'reactive' depression. I knw she is depressed. I want to help but I can't. I want to stay with her but it's killing me. Please help :'''(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mitti]

Hi oz geary,

So sorry to read what you have been through. And I totally understand that you feel that you have done all that you could and the best decision is to leave. I truly believe that we always know in our hearts what we truly want, and whatever we want is ok, it is always ok. What I do when I feel unsure of a situation or confused is meditate. That peace that comes that comes from meditation puts me in clearer contact with my deeper me, my subconscious. And I feel and accept myself and what I want.

And the other thing, remember to take care of yourself the best you can. Know that you are only responsible for your own actions and your own feelings. You are not responsible for how she feels, how she reacts or how she behaves. You can try and understand her and validate her without taking responsibility for her. When I started validating my uBPDxbf, I saw huge change in him and in our dynamic.

I wish you all the best 

[JQ]

Hello oz geary,

I see it's your first post so let me say welcome to the group.  I'm glad you found us ... .I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time with your exBPDgf ... .you'e learned in such a short period of time how difficult and challenging BPD can be.  It sounds if your in the UK ,and I don't know if you can but I would find a very good therapist who is very well educated with BPD and with BPD/Codependent r/s round so that they can help you through your thoughts, emotions , anxiety, frustrations with all things BPD. 

I would also encourage you to read the references at the top of the page and to the right of the page to help educate you on things BPD -------------------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You have a lot on your plate and you're trying to manage not only difficult challenges in your life, but as a NON or a Codependent ... .Your trying to help or manage your exBPDbf who is trying to manage her VERY Serious Mental Illness that includes violence, mental, emotional & physical abuse. If she were to threaten suicide then you call for help. You need to know that BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness that has the highest rate of suicide attempts of all mental illness and unfortunately they also have the highest completion rate of suicide.  Do the right thing & for call for help.

BPD's have a VERY extreme fear of abandonment and engulfment among other behavior issues.  You describe rages like hitting, she is deregulating, she doesn't know how to control or manage her behavior when confronted with situations that call for it. They feel they need to be in control and you described this perfectly. YOU can't force her to go to therapy and you can't force her to take any type of meds it's a futile effort.

You seem to be a younger person and you have a lot to learn.

You describe some of the basic behavior of BPD in your short post.   You seen her rage, or throw temper tantrums like a 3 yr old toddler and if you look at past events,  I imagine you can see similar behavior traits of a 3 yr old. That's common and you're were going to have to remain the adult in the relationship if you stay with, not for a couple of month but for the rest of you life.  Just as a 3 yr old will test your limits in the grocery store before you enforce your boundaries of "don't touch" so it will be the same with your BPD. She feels as if she needs to be in control of any situation and if you step up and try to wrestle "control" from her then you will see that rage of a toddler unleash at you. 

NOTHING about BPD has or WILL makes logical sense to you, to us or trained professional medical professionals.  But you'll learn all of that on your journey, it's why your therapist is so important to you to guide you on your journey of self discovery. You CAN'T change someone who has a Cluster B Mental Illness, but you can learn about yourself which is the most important part.  Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the most contentious of all the personality disorders. Evidence of structural and functional deficits in brain areas central to regulation, attention and self-control, and executive function have been described in BPD.

Whatever your intention is with her, you'll need to learn a whole new language of BPD such as gas lighting, splitting, painted black, painted white, triangulation, engulfment, abandonment, invalidation, deregulation, projection, shaming, triggering and the list goes on.

Like most of those on this sight we've come to learn we are a codependent or a NON.  We are the Knight in Amor protecting those who can't protect themselves. We are the Sheriff in the White hat riding in to save the day. We are the perfectionist who work so very hard to make things right so that we can live a happy life because if everything is right with our BPD s/o then there will be no reason to rage, there will be no reason for Mr. Hyde to come out.  The good news is that once WE are self aware of OUR behavior we can learn and adjust it, we learn to take care of ourselves and our needs!

You'll learn about the 51% rule, it's ok to give of yourself to someone else, it's noble & sometimes honorable thing to do. But you should keep 51% of your energy to making yourself happy in life. If your giving more the 51% of yourself in any relationship eventually you'll run out of energy you'll be tired, exhausted, you will have given everything you have, mind, body & soul and it's hard to recover from.  Someone will be here to hold out a hand to help you up and dust you off straighten you up, now it's up to you to continue your journey.  We can't and won't tell you what to do, but we will support you in whatever direction you want to go. 

I just want to give you some additional information on what BPD is defined as.

There are numerous studies, universities, professors, Ph.d's, MDs, therapist that have studied this question for decades. BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness with numerous studies to indicate that it is in deed a genetic defect, physical defects within the brain coupled with environmental conditions that are responsible for this Cluster B Mental illness. BPD can also be co-diagnosed with other mental / behavioral illnesses such as NPD for example.  There are MD, Ph.d's that are trying to categorize BPD in the Cluster A mental illness category that includes paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder.

The following is in part a study from Harvard Medical School which indicates an underlying abnormality of the brain structure or function resulting in a significant disability.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a severe mental illness seen in approximately 20% of inpatient and outpatient clinical samples and between 1.2% and 5.9% of the general population and can co-occur with other disorders.

BPD is believed to emerge from an interaction between genes and environment. The major twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in diagnostic concordance. This concordance rate is similar to that found in bipolar disorder and stronger than rates for depression or anxiety. Functional MRI studies of BPD patients show abnormalities in the amygdala (an almond-sized and shaped brain structure linked with a person's mental and emotional state) and the prefrontal cortex (a part of the brain associated with planning, reasoning, solving problems and regulating thoughts, feelings and behaviors). A major BPD twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in BPD.

A core feature of BPD is self-destructive behavior, including bingeing and purging, substance abuse, risky sexual behavior, reckless driving and spending, and self-injury. In the short term, these behaviors attempt to regulate out-of-control emotions, but the interpersonal consequences further impair troubled relationships. You describe events like these King ... .

Recent data link BPD to both structural and physiological brain abnormalities. Volumetric studies using MRI consistently show decreased volumes in the hippocampus and amygdala of persons with BPD. Functional MRI studies using standardized tests have demonstrated differences in brain areas and functioning between people with BPD and controls. Using evoked emotional response, MRI differentiated BPD from controls with differences appearing in the amygdala, anterior cingulate and prefrontal cortex. This research suggests that both the affective instability and the interpersonal hypersensitivity seen in BPD have their roots in the sensitivity of the brain's amygdala to negative emotions.  In the face of this increased amygdalae activation, persons with BPD demonstrate impaired self-regulatory function in the prefrontal cortex.

The findings from psychopharmacologic and other biologic treatment data, coupled with associated brain functioning findings, indicate that BPD is a biologically based disorder.  Based on this analysis, including BPD in the Massachusetts Parity Law as a "biologically-based disorder" is well founded.


There are several types of treatments that have several levels of "success" ... .success measured as limited MANAGEMENT of behavior from a chronic mental illness.  This study among others would indicate there is no full recovery or "cure" to indicate that they get better.  Example, my exBPDgf (age north of 50) has seen Ph.d's, clinical physiologist & therapist off & on for more then 25 years. She continues to have severe behavioral conditions that include impulse control issues, risky sexual behavior, alcohol abuse, reckless spending, self-injury, personal relationship trouble with multiple boyfriends, 2 ex-husbands and other BPD behavior that we've all read about.  She's been on several different meds in addition to Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) focuses on the concept of mindfulness, or paying attention to the present emotion. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help people with BPD recognize and change both their beliefs and the ways they act that reflect inaccurate or negative opinions of themselves and others. Mentalization-based therapy (MBT) is a talk therapy that helps people identify and understand what others might be thinking and feeling.  Transference-focused therapy (TFP) is designed to help patients understand their emotions and interpersonal problems through the relationship between the patient and therapist in addition to mood stabilizers, anti-represents, anti-anxiety meds.

From the Mayo Clinic ... .

Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.

From John Hopkins Medical School ... .

Borderline personality disorder. People with this disorder are not stable in their perceptions of themselves, and have difficulty keeping stable relationships. Moods may also be inconsistent, but never neutral. Their sense of reality is always seen in "black and white." People with borderline personality disorder often feel as though they lacked a certain level of nurturing while growing up. As a result, they constantly seek a higher level of caretaking from others as adults. This may be achieved through manipulation of others, leaving them often feeling empty, angry, and abandoned, which may lead to desperate and impulsive behavior.

This is just the beginning of learning about BPD, BUUUT more importantly this is just the beginning for YOU to learn about YOU and the possibility that YOU are a Codependent. I know it might seem like a lot at first  but you need to know the facts so you can make sound choices based on those facts and not speculation or guessing what she's thinking or if I do this will she do that. That's NOT how BPD works. 

Come back here as often as you need to ... .as often as you WANT too ... .someone will always be here to give you some guidance and help YOU think through the things and choices YOU need to make.

JQ

[oz geary]

Thank u. Just getting a reply has been a huge lift. I know I'm not alone with what I'm going through. I'm 32 and my xBPDgf is 35. I didn't go into everything on my post just the main part of it. I'm booked in to start CBT in a couple of weeks. I have done alot of reading and think I have traits of BPD, narcissism but more traits of codependency than any others. I want to also mention a few other things about my xBPDgf... .She has, in the past (before I knew her) and more recently, had hallucinations. She says she has looked in a mirror and seen her face covered in blood, she told me the other week that, while she was looking at me, she saw the area around me turn "bright and start to shake", she has also mentioned other visual disturbances.

I know there is nothing I can actually do to make her better, but is leaving good or bad for her? From what I know of her past relationships, she is loads better than she was. I feel that I've been a support and 'anchor' for her and we have had alot of quite normal experiences. Will she now give up? Go on self destruct? When she says she is suicidal every day, and I can't be there to help, what should I do? The police have been called to her house so many times they know as soon as u say what village, which house to come to.

She tells me things that have happened to her and I'm appalled. Then it turns out the people she says did things to her, who are family, are shocked to hear what she has said and denie everything. Is she lieing?

Should I try to get in contact with her? I have a few things still at her house but she has blocked me on her phone so all I can do is email her. But I get no replies.

I've been depressed, suicidal, and self destructive myself during previous break ups, but this time feels abit different. I want her so much but the bad bits of the relationship are so bad I feel as though it will literally kill me to keep trying.

Her mum told me she woke one night years ago with my xBPDgf sitting her chest with a knife! I personally don't believe her mum, because she is a persistent but terrible liar.

However on the night my xBPDgf headbutted me, she also tried to grab a knife but I stopped her. I think I know what's best for me, but I care about her so much I don't want to abandon her to a lonely, messed up life with no hope.

I'm not asking what to do, but any suggestions or just feed back or others opinions would be very welcome. Thanks .

[JQ]

Oz geary,

you certainly have a lot of things going on in different directions. I'm happy to hear that you have a therapist and are currently scheduled to go to DBT therapy.  You didn't say if she's going to therapy or not.  I noticed you said you think you have PBD among other behavioral concerns. You have been depressed, suicidal and self destructive in past relationships and this concerns me. I know you want to help your BPD but i really believe you need to help yourself first and get to a better place first. If you are not in a good place or able to manage your behavior how can you help someone else in their mental illness.  We certainly don't know all the details of yourself or your BPDgf, and or both of your history's. I would highly encourage you to seek out the guidance of your therapist and have them help you sort through all your feelings, emotions, and frustrations who will know more intimate details of all the dynamics.

I wish you the best in what you search for.

J

[oz geary]

In the first post I did mention she is in MBT and has been for about 3 years. She seems better than she was from what I have been told. U r right tho, I understand I have to sort myself out now. The weird thing is I didn't feel half as crazy as I feel now after being in a relationship with my xBPDgf. In researching about her illness, I've come to realise alot about myself, and what maybe the cause of my failed past relationships. I don't think I have BPD, just a few traits. But also traits from other disorders. But doesn't everyone to a degree?

I know I can't help her, and if I stay it would only damage myself and enable her.

[JohnLove]

Hello oz geary, you may well have some BPD traits or you may have picked up fleas, either way these are far more treatable than full blown BPD. Co-dependancy is also very treatable. Narcissists don't ask or even suspect they are narcissistic so you are probably OK there. 

I don't need to tell you this girl is a train wreck. Be very careful with what you have been "told", about her past, about anything really... .if her Mother is a persistent liar and she has grown up in this environment then this is what she has learned. Do you want more than "this" for yourself?... .because it sounds like you do... .and that is healthy narcissism.

You didn't have much to offer her except your time, YOUR life... .and your Love. She obviously needed it but didn't have a clue what to do with it. You have described losing what little you had in your life, the things you had going for you... .but at least you have family. These relationships are almost never reciprocal... .and that is where true Love actually is.

Her life is what she has created for herself. It is what it is.

Look after yourself. Turn the focus onto you. Give her space. But more importantly give yourself space. Allow yourself to breathe. Get outta the FOG. This will take time... .and effort. But you'll feel much better for it. Your life will only get better. Rebuild yourself for the right girl... .when that time is right. 

[oz geary]

Thank u for that JohnLove. I don't want to sound bitter, because I'm not, but saying her life is what she has created for herself is just what I thought. I even told her once that she does things to herself and if she didn't detonate the paranoia bomb around her neck things wouldn't be so bad. She responded by quoting Kurt Cobain, "just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you." ! She has an obsession with Kurt Cobain. Anyway, I'll take care of myself. Thank you all so much. Just speaking to people who understand is a great help. I have support from family and friends, but they don't fully appreciate what it's like living with a BPD in ur life.

I feel sad for everyone who has to struggle with life,for whatever reasons xx

[livednlearned]

Hi ozgeary,

Your relationship sounds very tough, with physical violence and losing your job, your apartment.

It sounds like you rush to try and rescue her, and it has only made things worse for yourself, and hasn't made things better for her.

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship without being emotionally injured, and it sounds like you are pretty injured at the moment. It's good that you have some physical distance so you can shore up strength. It's essential for you, and even more important for her if you're going to try and make things work.

In general, if something she does makes you feel uncomfortable, you need a boundary. Boundaries need to be there to protect yourself physically and emotionally. There is an unhealthy dynamic between pwBPD and codependent types, where we have weak boundaries and they have none.

Job number one is to get yourself back to a point where you can do the hard work of having boundaries. Consistent, firm, strong boundaries. It isn't easy, especially if you are beaten down and have a history of giving in.

If she says she feels suicidal, you can validate how she feels. "You must be feeling very sad. Did something happen, do you want to talk about it? I am not trained to handle suicide so I will call the emergency line and someone will come and assess. I want you to have a place to stay and for that to happen I have to work."

And then you go to work.

I know it's hard.

[Bushido]

  I've lost my temper and sent some pretty nasty (but true) messages to her in the past when we've split up before. I'm not sure what I'm asking here, I'd just like someone to give me their take on things. I think I'm doing the right thing by leaving her, but I can't help feel sad and worried for her. Will she always be like this?

you stay strong!

you make your own choices and first and for most you have to think about yourself.

i find many things in your story that i can relate to. . . . tho most are way more than i have been thru.

the right thing is what you choose to do. . . never forget that!

wish you the best.