Invalidation

[Depression = 72% of members]

After limiting communication to written communication only for the past 6 months, I decided to answer the phone yesterday when the caller ID showed it was my uBPDm.  I thought I was healed enough and ready to do this.  When she asked if I was doing anything special for Mother's Day, I casually mentioned my h was turkey hunting.  She responded with  " Really?"  Then I said it was the last day of Spring turkey season and realized I was justifying my comment.  We got off the phone on a civil note, but it really rubbed me wrong and I wasn't sure why.  After contemplating for a bit, I remembered what I had re-read last week in the "Surviving the Borderline Parent" book about feeling the need to prove everything due to being constantly disbelieved.  Wow, how true.  Like when I was sick and had trouble breathing as a kid she would tell me that "we don't have any of those problems in this family"  Meaning asthma, which I do, in fact, have.  I do often find myself thinking of how anything I say can be proven to be accurate and did think it was odd to always assume people would think I was lying.  Makes sense now.  I do wonder how to stop those thoughts, though.  Anyone else?

[MoreGuilt]

After limiting communication to written communication only for the past 6 months, I decided to answer the phone yesterday when the caller ID showed it was my uBPDm.  I thought I was healed enough and ready to do this.  When she asked if I was doing anything special for Mother's Day, I casually mentioned my h was turkey hunting.  She responded with  " Really?"  Then I said it was the last day of Spring turkey season and realized I was justifying my comment.  We got off the phone on a civil note, but it really rubbed me wrong and I wasn't sure why.  After contemplating for a bit, I remembered what I had re-read last week in the "Surviving the Borderline Parent" book about feeling the need to prove everything due to being constantly disbelieved.  Wow, how true.  Like when I was sick and had trouble breathing as a kid she would tell me that "we don't have any of those problems in this family"  Meaning asthma, which I do, in fact, have.  I do often find myself thinking of how anything I say can be proven to be accurate and did think it was odd to always assume people would think I was lying.  Makes sense now.  I do wonder how to stop those thoughts, though.  Anyone else?

[Naughty Nibbler]

MoreGuilt:

Sorry that the phone conversation with your mom left you feeling invalidated.  The uBPD in my life is my sister, and I can identify in a similar way with my uBPD sis.  Invalidation from a parent has to be a lot more destructive.

Maybe someone else can lead you to some helpful information on this website.  I was able to find information about validation here, but not for recovering from invalidation.

I'm in therapy, but I'm, also on a quest for self-help information.  I seem to get more out of therapy if I ask my therapist for some reading material, or find it on my own and bring things to a session to discuss and work through.

I don't know if you will find this helpful, but thought I'd share some information I collected:

Here is a link to a lesson on Invalidation, that I found with a general Internet search.  There is written information and an audio file.  It would be worth a listen/read.  I bookmarked it, so that I can go back to it when I have a chance:

www.trans4mind.com/positive/positive1.shtml

Below is some some information that might be helpful:

Coping with Invalidation

Invalidation is an aggressive form of emotional abuse. If someone uses invalidation on you it is important to recognize it and to understand that they are not looking for a compromise or a way to meet you in the middle at that particular moment. They are using a power play to win - to suppress your needs in favor of their own. Recognizing invalidation should be a cue to calmly reject the falsehood in the accusation and quickly exit the conversation.

When someone uses invalidation, you are temporarily released from any moral obligation to compromise or try to further resolve the problem. Instead, it is a time to focus your energy on protecting yourself, your children, your assets and your dignity. Compromises and resolution can be attempted later, if and when the other person decides to adopt a different approach and communicate with you in a respectful, validating manner.

What NOT to Do

Don’t accept the premise of an invalidating statement or comment.

Don’t take the bait and be drawn into a fight or a circular conversation about an invalidating comment. Stay focused on the issues that really matter.

Don’t argue or debate or repeatedly go over the issues with someone who is invalidating you. You may end up arguing for a very long time and get nowhere, and, the harder you try the more opportunities they have to further invalidate you. State the truth once. Then save discussion for a time when they are ready to listen with respect.

Don’t stay in the same room with a person who speaks to you with anything less than the respect you are worth.  Don’t wait for them to understand your point of view. Take a break. Remove yourself politely and tell them you’ll be back at a later time when you feel safe.

What TO Do

If you find yourself feeling shame over the statements another person is making about you then it is possible that the problem is them - not with you. Healthy people don’t go around shaming others.

Confront invalidation once, calmly with truth and without emotion.

End the conversation as soon as an invalidating statement is given.

Allow the other person their feelings and thoughts - without taking responsibility for making them see the truth.

Focus on seeing yourself in a validating way. Remind yourself of your qualities and strengths. Strive for excellence - not perfection.

Surround yourself with healthy people who will tell you with kindness what they see of your strengths and weaknesses. Find a few supportive friends who will lift you up when you are down and of whom you can safely ask - “Am I really that bad?”

Write down the qualities you like about yourself - remind yourself that you have gifts and talents - that you are unique in this world and there will never be another you.

[Linda Maria]

Hi MoreGuilt!  Sorry for what you're going through.  The pwBPD for me is my sister.  She turned on me bigtime after my Mum died 3 years ago and launched this truly vile and disturbing hate campaign against me.  Although things have calmed down a lot, and I have very little contact, the weird letters she occasionally sends all have an edge to them, and she is constantly implying I have done something wrong.  I ignore it as much as possible, as if I reply, civilly, putting her straight, it just sparks more nonsense.  But it is tiring and frustrating to keep dealing with it.  I totally understand about thinking other people might believe them and think you're lying.  I worried about this a lot in the early days, it's one of the reasons I started documenting everything (I had to sort out my mother's estate with her which was horrendous as she also lied to the estate agents, solicitors, all other third parties, and jerked everyone around bigtime), and also copied people into all my communications with her, even when it wasn't strictly necessary, so I would have witnesses to everything I had said.  Gradually, I have realised that anyone who knows me well always knew this stuff didn't make sense, and they understand.  Even some people who are like family to us, and still love her dearly, whilst sympathising with me - even they know the truth now.  I felt I had to justify and prove everything for a long time, but in the end you just have to be content with knowing for yourself that you are a good person, you've done nothing wrong, you don't deserve this, and it's just a pain you have to deal with.  I found that third parties who weren't emotionally involved could see through it really quickly, because as well as being nasty, the stuff she told them just didn't make any sense, and after a while she was nasty with them as well.  Stay strong!  JB

[MoreGuilt]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler and Linda Maria for your responses.  I did like that link you posted, Naughty Nibbler, and already listened to 3 sessions.  Thanks for sharing.  I thought about going to therapy and even found a therapist in the city on our insurance and called to make an appointment but never got a call back after leaving my name and stating I'd like to make an appointment.  (sigh)  So, I have been rapidly creating my own self help library and am very open to more resources online as well.  Thanks again.

[Naughty Nibbler]

MoreGuilt:

You might want to make another attempt to contact the therapist.  Communications glitches happen, but if a 2nd attempt goes wrong, then think about finding a different therapist.  I know how it can go.  It can be a big step to enter therapy and the last thing you want is for a therapist to NOT respond.

Here is another article on Invalidation that might be worth a read:

www.psychopathsandlove.com/invalidation/

Have you read the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells"?  I bought the Kindle version of the book and a separate workbook.  I use an Ipad app. for Kindle.  If you don't have it, It would be a good book to read and have to refer back to.

I just bought another book, that my therapist recommended. "The Worry Cure" by Robert Leahy.  (If you search for that one, pay attention to the author, as there are multiple books with the same, or close to the same title).  I asked for a recommendation, as I was worrying way too much about forthcoming interactions with my sister.  It was consuming me, so I'm on a quest to tame it. 

I, also, found a book called "The Anxiety & Worry Workbook", by David Clark and Aaron Beck.  It is a cognitive approach.  Something to consider reading.

I found that the situation with my uBPD sister started a storm of anxiety and worry within me.  In addition to learning to handle and understand a BPD, I'm striving to take care of myself and minimize the damage to me.  If you have a similar challenge with worrying and anxiety, you might find the books helpful.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Oops - too late to add this to my prior post.

Another interesting read on invalidation at the link below (also, has an 18-page PDF file):

www.eqi.org/invalid.htm