Lack of Love.

[Caley]

Hello All,

I read once, but cannot for the life of me remember the source (apologies for that), of a story about a scientific researcher who spent a couple of years observing the social dynamics of an unwesternised tribal community.

He noticed that the songs they would sing were very different from the songs that are written and sung by western civilisations. One day he approached one of the tribal elders and asked him; "I've noticed that the topics you sing of in your songs are very different to the ones we write and sing of in the west! Mostly", he said, "we sing about love!"

The tribal elder explained, "Our songs are about the things in life that we lack ... such as water and food! The lack of love", the elder went on to explain, "is not one of them!" I found that profound!

One of the critical observations this researcher made was how these people treated and interacted with their children. He observed a consistent display of tolerance, kindness and respect for their children as individuals in their own right.

It occurred to me (as it has others in psychological research) that at the root of dysfunctional relationships lie the models that we, in westernised civilisations, are exposed to from family of origin, monotropic and primary carers. That the models we are taught as infants, youngsters and adolescents are the substratum from which our own behaviour, thoughts and ideas arise about what is 'acceptable' and/or 'unacceptable'.

This is not ground breaking 'new news'. For many, many years ... psychologists and psychiatrists have held this idea as a significant theory of mind and behaviour. The reason I wanted to share this with everyone here is because, post traumatic experience with someone who displays cluster B traits, is that our focus of attention is firmly upon the analysis of their actions. And, whilst we are engaged in the analysis of an 'other' we're derailed from the opportunity to reflect on ourselves and why we are the way we are (non-cluster B) ... although not entirely devoid of some of those traits at a lesser level.

So, I believe, when people tout advice such as, "you need to take care of yourself", a part of what that means is taking an opportunity to self explore. Not to find fault, or to place and attribute blame, but to simply make note and understand that we too are in danger sometimes of black and white thinking. It also serves as a reminder to point out that, in the early stages of a broken relationship, this attention to self care is often sabotaged by the almost irresistible tendency to place all attention on the ex-SO.

Enlightening, also, to consider that 'environment, nurture and conditioning' are things we can have some say about. Which, I feel, is the message hidden in that tribal elders words. That, although there were things in life, that were not directly controllable (such as the plentiful supply of essentials such as food, water and safety) there are elements of social dynamics that can be.

Makes me wonder if we in 'westernised' civilisations are not just victims of a social/economic model of existence, that in reality, isn't at all economic or very sociable.

Not the usual rant and vent found here (understandable considering the hurt and suffering) but it might help someone ... it helped me.

Kind regards,

Caley.

[steelwork]

Thanks, Caley. This is a lovely read. I think about that too: that we all need to make sure we balance our need to understand our exes with inward-facing curiosity. After all, they will one day be distant memories, but we're stuck with ourselves!

[once removed]

really thoughtful post, caley, and dead on, i think.

i really appreciate this point:

So, I believe, when people tout advice such as, "you need to take care of yourself", a part of what that means is taking an opportunity to self explore. Not to find fault, or to place and attribute blame, but to simply make note and understand that we too are in danger sometimes of black and white thinking. It also serves as a reminder to point out that, in the early stages of a broken relationship, this attention to self care is often sabotaged by the almost irresistible tendency to place all attention on the ex-SO

i think everyone arrives at that place at a different pace. some never get there (hardly limited to people with BPD). i think this article partially explains why: https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

what frustrates me is that i think the notion is often misinterpreted as a pro pwBPD sentiment, or an empty "be the bigger person, admit you arent perfect either" kind of message - or maybe something in between. a common response is something like "isnt this bpdfamily?". yes. and learning about the disorder is an important part of the detachment process. it can inform it.

my recovery probably looked something like this:

1. im devastated. i cannot fathom what has just happened to me and im in a great deal of pain. my ex has screwed me over and i "shouldnt" feel anything toward her but disdain or indifference. something is wrong with me.

2. ive learned about BPD. i feel certain my ex has it. i feel indescribably better that i have a label to put on this, and i can at least remotely begin to fathom what has just happened to me.

3. conflicting combinations of: clearly this wasnt my fault. i did everything i could and bent over backwards. it was hopeless and doomed from the start.

and: what if this was all my fault? what if she gets better? what if shes better with the new guy? what if i had just done x or y? id probably at least still be in my relationship which would feel better than what im going through. my ego is killing me, and id also probably feel better if id been the one to dump her.

4. ive had unhealthy relationships before, so i must at least have some issues. i never want to feel this kind of pain again. i need to understand "what is wrong with me", how i got in this relationship and why i stayed, cause thats all i did "wrong". i need to observe red flags in others and run at the first sight.

5. im over doing it, and throwing labels at myself, but obsessing about myself and "what is wrong with me" is kind of a welcomed respite from obsessing about my ex, at least. hm. now what?

6. well, ive learned more about BPD, and i can see how it played a role in my relationship, and i can see where my interactions played a role in that too. i dont blame myself but for example, i can see where she might have interpreted my actions as abandonment, and why she reacted the way she did which furthers my understanding. it feels nice to know that its okay to pine for someone who has hurt me very badly and accept my feelings. im being true to myself and my relationship - and im no longer painting her as a monster, or trying to stave off the pain by hating her or generally obsessing about her. maybe she will get better, or maybe the new relationship is more suitable, thatd be nice but ill never know and i dont care, it wasnt a healthy or happy relationship and im moving on.  

7. (jumping way ahead, a year or more.) its been a while, im nowhere near as on edge, and i can reflect on my relationship with more objectivity. my god, this entire relationship was one extended dysfunctional dance between two dysfunctional people. i did a lot of things im not proud of, even ashamed. on one hand i forgive myself, that was me at my most extreme, and i was certainly tested, but i was a willing participant, and what im capable of gives me a lot of pause. i can also look back at our interactions and see how my own behavior contributed - in fact its now clear to me how invalidating (for one example) i can actually be, in all of my relationships. cleaning up my side of the street might have made the relationship better, or it might have made it more tolerable, or perhaps she would have followed my example, or perhaps the relationship would have ended sooner, ill never know, and at this point i have no regrets, i just want to learn from my mistakes. i know now that im the only one i can change, and i want to do that, in order to go on and build healthy relationships in the future. im no longer hyper vigilant about seeing "red flags" everywhere i look, though i do pay more attention to my gut, my limits (and others', my deal breakers, and general personality traits that might present a challenge to me; i remain emotionally available, but i also have healthy boundaries and distance between myself and others. i no longer live in fear of feeling that pain again - i survived, and challenging personalities are everywhere, i need to learn how to navigate them or otherwise become a hermit.

no one gets to that place over night and it shouldnt be forced. as you can see, at the time the idea that i could have done anything differently was triggering and terrifying to me. healing, time and distance bring objectivity that one really shouldnt be expected to have when they are deep in grief and even trauma.

sometimes seeing it in others first leads to seeing it in ourselves. the codependency, the FOO issues, all very common. the black and white thinking. the emotional immaturity. the need to be right. the rejection and abandonment issues. the weak boundaries. the things (there are many many more), any given one of which may not apply to us, but are hallmarks of a "BPD relationship". the things that can change.

i continue to believe that the sooner one is able to gently make the transition to focusing on themselves, the smoother their healing will go, the more informed and certain ones inner "timeline" of the relationship will be, and the more self aware one will be as to where they are in their healing and detachment process.

[steelwork]

I nominate the first and third post in this topic for that "best of bpdfamily" thread!