Good and bad 2 1/2 weeks out

[LilMe]

My children and I have been out of an abusive relationship with uBPD for 2 1/2 weeks now.  I have been mostly NC.  My only contact has been trying to get my belongings.  I ended up having to leave everything behind and now he won't let me have it.  He left over 40 voicemails admitting everything and saying he wanted me to have all my things.  But now he says I have to contact his lawyer and get a court order.  Ugh.  We have no refrigerator or beds.  All my plants and fish are likely dead by now.  He even has my business equipment that I could be using to make some money!

My voice mailbox was full and I needed to download all the messages to my computer for my lawyer.  I had to listen to them all.  I should have had someone else do it for me!  Now I am feeling awful.  My head remembers the abuse and bad, but my heart misses my best friend and lover.  I feel like such a sicko!  I was feeling confident and strong, but after hearing the messages I feel so sad.  And messed up.

My life is good in so many ways now.  Any of my 9 children, my family, and friends can come see me anytime.  I can help people, volunteer, and do whatever I want!  For 10 years that wasn't allowed.  My house is filled with chattering and laughter.  It is beautiful.  I have my job back that I love.  It sounds crazy, but I love being a waitress at a local truck stop.  I love the people!  Everyone has been so supportive and kind.  Several guys have already invited me to ride on their Harley's, go out for a drink, go to the river, go 4-wheeling, etc.  It is too early, but I feel like I will never be able to love or care for anyone again.  I want to take my wedding ring off, but what do I do with it?  WOW, I feel and sound crazy!

Then my mom fell and broke her hip on vacation this week.  She had total hip replacement surgery yesterday.  She is far away and I cannot go to her!  Her husband is with her and I am sure she will be fine, but it is still hard.  Two people we love passed away on the same day.  A man who is like a father to me is in the hospital with heart problems.  And Prince died!  How can life be so beautiful and so hard, all at the same time.

Thank you all for being here!  Sorry for the crazy rant, but I can't really talk about it with anyone here.  I have to be strong for my children.  I feel a little better after typing it all out.  I must say though, I hate reading all your messages and feeling the pain!  I am a generally happy person and have a hard time understanding how people can cause such pain!  It hurts me deeply.  But at the same time, it is comforting to know that I am not alone and not totally crazy for feeling like this.  May we all find peace and happiness!

[WoundedBibi]

The fact you raised 9 kids in this hell to be sensible enough human beings to advise or ask you to get out, deserves respect.

There is so much for you to heal from, to read, here and elsewhere. I just stumbled on something I think might help you: AfDD. Affective Deprivation Disorder.

I'm glad you're in a house full of laughter and love now. It would be more comfortable with beds... but in the end the love is what counts and what shapes your kids.

Missing someone when they have abused you is normal around here. You need to kick the habit and heal from the abuse and a lifetime of not knowing anything else.

Whenever you need support, a kick up the butt, want a question answered, are looking for insight, want to rant, just come here