My mother...

[Turkish]

I wouldn't respond.  Her message is abusive.  Why validate that? Any response  (using SET, and  BIFF or whatever) would escalate.  That is,  she would respond,  further triggering you,  and hurting you.  I know you feel the need to respond, but can you sleep on it?  -I'd be angry,  to.  However,  anger feeds anger... .I always think of that old Star Trek episode where the alien entity manipulated the crew and the Klingons to hate each other.

[unicorn2014]

I wouldn't respond.  Her message is abusive.  Why validate that? Any response  (using SET, enen BIFF or whatever) would escalate.  That is,  she would respond,  further triggering you,  and hurting you.  I know you feel the need to respond, but can you sleep on it?  -I'd be angry,  to.  However,  anger feeds anger... .I always think of that old Star Trek episode where the alien entity manipulated the crew and the Klingons to hate each other.

That was my card with my money in it that she took over after my aunt stopped it. I already sent my mom a registration form for a room at the community center and a thank you letter.
My mom to this day denies that she is abusive.
Thank you so much for validating it.
Finally!

Oh I am Klingon, when I take Star Trek tests, so, good thing not to anger me more. I have to really fight against saying "made me angry".

Thank you so much for responding!

[Turkish]

"Made me angry" right.  You know.

When my mom about 4 years ago in a roundabout way said I hadn't made anything of myself, I was angry. Ditto for when she was living with us earlier this year and she criticized my parenting skills. I got very angry both times.  Taking a pause and not responding gave me space to realize a lot of it was just her projections. Responding according to my instinct would have brought me down to her level and resulted in more conflict.  Sleeping on it and ignoring bought me another day.  Both for me to calm down,  and her mood to change.  Taking a pause cash help.

[unicorn2014]

My mother isn't moody, she's mean. She's a witch.
Well she's blocked now. She can leave me a message if she needs to talk to me.

[unicorn2014]

I wanted to update this thread rather then start a new one as it still has to do with my mom.

 I started reading this book about mothers that do not love their daughters and then I started talking to the author and I realized that wasn't my problem. My mom does love me, and she also abused and abuses me. Well, one of the things my mom does to show me love is give me gifts. Now it was pointed out to me that my love type is the kind that really responds well to receiving gifts. Well, two of the necklaces that my mother gave me have broken within the last 24 hours, one a rose quartz strand with carved roses and polished beads and two, a metal  collar type necklace with a heart with a butterfly on it.
I have done this before as a teenager, broke necklaces because my energy was so intense. I have also wilted miniature rose plants with my intense anger. That's not magical thinking, I believe in metaphysical stuff like chakras and energy, etc.

I am happy to say today I have a thriving herb and vegetable garden on my balcony and a teenage daughter that is doing well in school and now has her first job, so I have very strong nurturing energy, however I still have this destructive energy in me.
I value the gifts my mother gives me, and, I value her love, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, however I am also hurt by it. I looked at my long term transits (sorry if astrology offends anyone) and I saw that I am having a very difficult time from December 2015 to October 2016. That corresponds with when my grandmother died to when my daughter's 16th birthday will be for which my mom wants to throw a party.
I still am not going to unblock her on my phone and I did mark my dad's email as junk because I really need to heal however I also want to forgive my mother.
It is very difficult for me to turn anger into compassion, however I want to have compassion for my mother because I don't want to harbor this destructive energy inside of me.
I believe it is true when it is said that resentment is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to croak.
In my case I have justified anger however for my personality that is not healthy.
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I know there are some members on this board who seem to have come to a healthier more peaceful place with their mothers.
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How did you do it?
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Also I was told by this author not to diagnose my mom however that is what we all do here so that we can heal, isn't it? I more see my mom as a borderline mother then a mean mother... .

[Harri]

Hi Unicorn.  I've been keeping up with your threads as much as possible to understand your situation.  This certainly does seem like a very difficult time for you and you have my support and sympathy.

As I've read your posts, I get the impression that you keep going back to your family expecting them to hear, understand and accept your feelings and positions on many things.  You are seeking validation and support from people who have failed you miserably in the past, continue to do so in the present and the chances of anything different happening in the future are practically nil.  So while blocking people on your phone and not reading emails are all good protective measures to take, what do you think about changing more things at your end?  Changing your expecations?  Changing your perfectly normal and natural hope for love, being heard and understood and validated by them?  You, like so many of us, are seeking them to do things and be something they are incapable of being.

I know you are familar with radical acceptance.  Have you tried using RA to helop you break the dysfunction at your end?  It just seems to me that you are caught in a cycle of hurt.  I see you making such progress and making huge strides in terms of awareness of both your situation and insight into your own self it is heartwarming but these things can only take you so far.  What do you think of trying to do things differently at your end and imposing boundaries on your own self to further your healing?

If what I wrote rings true, great.  If not, please disregard.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I forgot to add that while I understand that you want to forgive your mother, forgiveness will not happen until you accept and work through the pain and hurt.  Part of that acceptance is accepting that she is who she is and most likely will never admit that she has been abusive to you. 

My mother abused me.  She loved me dearly.  Her love for me does not change the fact that she was a terrible mother and had a horrible mental illness.  The BPD label fits well, but the label stopped mattering to me a long time ago.  What it did do was give me a place to start in terms of understanding and seeing the damage.  Beyond that, it had/has little value to my situation.

[unicorn2014]

I get the impression that you keep going back to your family expecting them to hear, understand and accept your feelings and positions on many things.  

Hi Harri, I'm not going back to my family, they dragged me back in. I spoke to my coach about this and that is what she told me. I only need to have a relationship with my attorneys at this point not my brother or my parents.

I appreciate what you are saying. I know that is what I need to work on. It is hard. I sent my dad a picture of my daughter before I marked his email as junk.

Today I actually found myself recognizing that even walking behind fathers with their children on the street is a trigger.
You have probably read my threads about my recent diagnosis of lightheadedness and emotional stress. I saw my nurse yesterday and she said it was not medication side effects, it was actually due to all the stress I'm under. I had talked to her about lowering the dose of my medication and she said she didn't think it was a good idea until I got through my legal appointment and my daughter's medical appointments so we will revisit that topic when I see her again at the end of the month. I am also imitating a therapeutic separation with my ex fiancé and will be writing about that on the staying board.

[unicorn2014]

while I understand that you want to forgive your mother, forgiveness will not happen until you accept and work through the pain and hurt.

Thank you Harri. As I mentioned in my previous thread I came across this article called 4 lies unloving mothers tell their daughters so I looked the author up and ending up getting in a conversation with her about her book. She told me that money, clothes and jewelry weren't love but my love type says otherwise. I am the love type who feels loved with gifts so my mother knows how to love me but she also knows how to hurt me. All the gifts my mother gives me are meaningful, they are not cheap store bought items, they are handcrafted, one of a kind, artisan items.
Basically my mother has bullied me my whole life and I have fought back. Then I recreated that dynamic in my relationship which I am now trying to engage in a therapeutic situation. I left home at 18, divorced my  husband and am now trying to separate from my fiancé. I don't respond well to bullying, I get really aggressive when somebody tries to bully me. My mom is a witch. She physically abused me when I was a child and now she emotionally abuses me as an adult.
My daughter doesn't even want her to rent a room and throw her a party. She wants her to use that money towards her car fund. I told her she needs to work that stuff out with her mother, I'm not getting in the middle of that.
I appreciate saying what you are saying about forgiving.

[Harri]

"I'm not going back to my family, they dragged me back in."

I am going to challenge you on this.  They are trying their best to drag you back in because that is what dysfunctional families do when they see one member trying to break away.  Sending you an email, a photo, making a provoking facebook post, planning a party, or even a lawsuit can not drag you back in unless you allow yourself to be dragged back in.  You are not being forced to do, respond, look at or anything else when these things happen.  They throw out the bait and you take it.  Maybe you are expecting them to stop throwing out bait?  To stop provokng you?  To stop being who they have proven themselves to be?

"I spoke to my coach about this and that is what she told me."

 Please clarify this for me.  It sounds like you are saying that your coach told you your parents/family are dragging you back in.  If that is correct, and she did not mean they are *trying* to drag you back in  I would suggest finding a different coach, one who is not teaching you that you are helpless in the face of their actions.  I don't know you, but you come across as a very intelligent and highly capable person.  You can choose to not respond to not get involved, to not take the bait.  You may have to sit on your hands, bite your tongue or beat up a pillow or mattress, but you do have choices here.

I wrote the above in a very direct manner.  I am reminded of a saying I used to have at the bottom of my posts:  I will celebrate your joys, I will comfort you in times of sorrow, but I refuse to validate your self-defeat.  It sounds harsh, but I assure you it is said with nothing but kindness, empathy and a belief that you are worth far more than you are giving yourself here.

"I only need to have a relationship with my attorneys at this point not my brother or my parents."

This I can agree with.

I understand stress and illness very well.  We all have things to deal with that make life more challenging.  About a year ago I lost touch with that spark that kept me fighting until recently.  I finally got back to where I can say quite clearly and with strength that I am not going to let myself be defined by my circumstances or the abusive actions of others.  It feels good to have that defiant and fierce fighting spirit back.  It sounds to me like you have that same spirit.  Nurture it and take care of it.

[unicorn2014]

Hi harri, when I described my situation regarding the inheritance lawsuit to my job coach she told me they are dragging me back in. She is a highly qualified professional who helps women get back into the work force after a life transition, in my case my daughter maturing. She also created an organization to help veterans transfer back to civilian life. She works at the local job center running workshops. She actually set up a business plan for me as an artist . I trust her judgment and so does the professional community. Thank you for your time. I appreciate your input.

[Harri]

Good morning Unicorn.  That is quite a resume your coach has. Obviously you feel confident in her abilities to help you get back in the workforce and it sounds like your confidence is well placed in her skills in these areas.  

I stilll question the wisdom and value of her assessment of your families ability to 'drag you back in' but I do not want our conversation to get derailed.  Seems we have very different perspectives on this part and that's okay.  Can you see anyway we can continue to discuss this in spite of our differing opinions? (BTW, I do see and understand that I am assessing only one comment out of what I assume are thousands said during your meetings.)  If my comments do not fit for you, speak your peace (as you did) and disregard.  I am not too invested in my quick assessment of your coaches comment.  I am however, very invested in looking at dealing with the dysfunction we all grew up with and doing so in a way that acknowledges the abuse and scars but empowers us at the same time.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Be well.