Post break up mind games?

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Hello everyone,

Are serious mind games part and parcel of a BPD's character after they have left you?

My ex udBPDgf left 2 weeks ago, after admitting she was texting another guy and had met him but not done anything (When I kicked her out the week before for telling me, she threatened to kill herself unless I gave her one last chance and she blocked the bloke from social media and vowed never to speak to him again).

Now 2 weeks on, I had emails daily from her telling me how she hadn't moved on but never wanted to get back with me, telling me how it was all my fault etc and listing what I did wrong.

I still wanted to try and resolve things as I am ruminating over her bad, so since then she's been emailing me asking things like "why couldn't I just stop accusing" or "you'd never accept me for who I am"... .to which I replied with things like ":)oes it matter, if you've moved on and slept with the other guy?" to which she would reply with "I never confirmed anything, it's in your head that I've moved on" so I have sent emails asking "Just confirm, have you slept with someone else?" Instead of saying yes or no, she replies with "I don't love you anymore, only message me regarding our son".

I cannot get a straight, honest answer out of her as I guess she thinks that if I cling onto the hope that she hasn't moved on, maybe when she realises what she's walked away from (family and holidays etc), she can come running back. She did this before and swore she never moved on, but 8 weeks later came running back begging me. To this day she is adamant that she never ever did anything.

Anyone know how to play this? Part of me wants to go NC but part of me is digging for a concrete answer this time, as I am finding it so hard to disengage and do miss her / still find her attractive.

Sometimes I feel the easiest way would be to move on myself, and send my ex a message gloating but I know that wouldn't be fair on any potential girl.

[CC85]

Hello everyone,

Are serious mind games part and parcel of a BPD's character after they have left you?

My ex udBPDgf left 2 weeks ago, after admitting she was texting another guy and had met him but not done anything (When I kicked her out the week before for telling me, she threatened to kill herself unless I gave her one last chance and she blocked the bloke from social media and vowed never to speak to him again).

Now 2 weeks on, I had emails daily from her telling me how she hadn't moved on but never wanted to get back with me, telling me how it was all my fault etc and listing what I did wrong.

I still wanted to try and resolve things as I am ruminating over her bad, so since then she's been emailing me asking things like "why couldn't I just stop accusing" or "you'd never accept me for who I am"... .to which I replied with things like ":)oes it matter, if you've moved on and slept with the other guy?" to which she would reply with "I never confirmed anything, it's in your head that I've moved on" so I have sent emails asking "Just confirm, have you slept with someone else?" Instead of saying yes or no, she replies with "I don't love you anymore, only message me regarding our son".

I cannot get a straight, honest answer out of her as I guess she thinks that if I cling onto the hope that she hasn't moved on, maybe when she realises what she's walked away from (family and holidays etc), she can come running back. She did this before and swore she never moved on, but 8 weeks later came running back begging me. To this day she is adamant that she never ever did anything.

Anyone know how to play this? Part of me wants to go NC but part of me is digging for a concrete answer this time, as I am finding it so hard to disengage and do miss her / still find her attractive.

Sometimes I feel the easiest way would be to move on myself, and send my ex a message gloating but I know that wouldn't be fair on any potential girl.

[troisette]

Yes, CC85, I experienced five months of push/pull after I ended the relationship.

My ex is older, stubborn and controlling and I knew nothing about BPD at the time so I didn't realise what was going on.

We broke up, three weeks later he went away for three weeks saying we could never get back together. He was going to leave his cat alone in the house with no cat flap, and a neighbour popping in once a day. So I offered to board the cat, whom I loved. He emailed me during that time and I thought he wanted a reconciliation when he returned. (I now realise the emails were to hook me in and then dump me so he could have the last word.) He came back, unsuccessfully tried to seduce me. This was repeated the following day, with him still saying we could never get back together - I told him I would not do FWB.

About ten days later it was my birthday. He called and asked me what I was doing, he didn't ask me out directly. I was going out with friends, I think he was testing the water before asking me out on my birthday. He said he wanted to pop over to my house with a gift. I said I couldn't see him as I was busy; I was still missing him and didn't want those high emotions on my birthday. He posted a birthday greeting on my timeline in capitals. I guess he was "shouting" because he was annoyed.

The following day we were both attending a mutual friend's party. I was going on my own, he insisted on calling for me. At the party he worked the room, flirting with as many women as he could. By this time I was beginning to be aware of games being played. (Slow, I know    )About ten days later he asked me to dinner at his house or to go out for the day. I refused but friends said I needed a conversation with him to find out what was going on - to clear my head - by then my brain was scrambling, so I went for dinner at his house.

A lovely evening but I was vigilant although hoping for reconciliation. He played a series of poetry recordings while lying with his head in my lap. (We are supposed to be split for four months by then.) I asked what he wanted for us and he reverted to panicky child saying he didn't know but we could never get back together again. There were other occasions of push/pull during those months but I don't want to bore you too much.

Anyway, that night, I ended it. Two weeks later I found about BPD, spoke to a psychiatrist who confirmed that he has classic indicators. I started reading. Realised that he is quiet high functioning BPD, that's why it wasn't immediately obvious at the beginning.

I went nc seven months ago. A pendant that he'd said he couldn't find was returned in early December with a slightly formal note. He said he'd found it under the mattress. This is not where I left it. The only other contact was an unexpected encounter three weeks ago when he stopped me on the street. A pleasant ten minute conversation, I raised my hand in goodbye and he brushed his palm against mine. I think he was checking for a response.

Because of his age, stubborn nature and controlling personality, he would never communicate with me as your ex is. Although they have BPD it manifests in different ways and they are all individuals. However, I'm still vigilant and steering clear.

It seems to me that your ex is playing similar games but in a different format. It is very painful to go through the push/pull when you are still emotionally engaged. I found no contact the best way forward for me. It is unusual to get proper closure from a BPD relationship, we nons have to cope with that.

Good luck!

[once removed]

BPD is a serious mental illness, the pathology of which is not characterized by conscious, deliberate mind games, as you and i might understand them. it is characterized by impulsivity, and frantic attemps to avoid abandonment.

Anyone know how to play this? Part of me wants to go NC but part of me is digging for a concrete answer this time, as I am finding it so hard to disengage and do miss her / still find her attractive.

Sometimes I feel the easiest way would be to move on myself, and send my ex a message gloating but I know that wouldn't be fair on any potential girl.

dont "play" anything. accept that she is mentally ill. learn more about BPD psychopathology, and begin to turn your focus to yourself. learn the communication tools to help you coparent, you will need them.

[troisette]

In retrospect, my understanding is that he was trying to avoid abandonment but on his terms. However, I do think he was aware of what he was doing.

[CC85]

Thanks for the insight... .

It is truly tough, as my head tells me to block her, go NC and focus on myself, but my heart wants one last hit of that passion just like a drug addict. The thought of her maybe giving that passion to the new man (without knowing either way) tears me up, wakes me up during the night and I cannot stop thinking things over.

Everyone who knows us as a couple has warned me to stay well clear of her, focus on my future and ensure that any direct contact is only regarding our son.

It's just so hard, because until I know she has moved on (which for me would be a deal breaker), I cling to the hope that she hasn't and we can have another shot at things, even if it just to aid my "addiction".

[once removed]

its a very difficult struggle, CC85  .

are you experiencing depression? when we are depressed, our minds can become our worst enemies, acting deliberately to plague us with the worst possible visions, phrases, memories, and of course many of us struggle with ruminations.

i dont think anyone shifts their focus from that to themselves over night. be kind to yourself in this process, and treat yourself well.

[CC85]

I would guess I am fairly run down, I often get mouth ulcers when I am down and have what feels like a dozen of them at present!

I have spoken to a social worker (chap who was very good, when I had to do some work following a domestic incident with my ex) and asked that I go for some form of therapy, to help me but as yet my sole therapy as been the kind words of support from people on this site (So good to know you are not alone in all this).

Before I met my ex udBPDgf, I spent 10 years with a "normal" girl from meeting her at highschool, going through our teenage years and then living together, getting engaged and plotting the future. We had rows like any couple and a couple of brief breakups, but nothing ever caused major disruption or led to police/social workers being involved. We had many happy memories and simply grew apart (probably as neither of us had really lived our teenage years properly).

Part of me wants to just draw a line now, get out there, meet someone "normal" and live the rest of my life. I keep saying if I could write the script I would do that right now, hope to meet someone who understand my situation and accepts my 3 yo son, and eventually go for sole custody of him and be that family that I always dreamed of.

I've been in this situation before, 2 years ago in fact, where my ex walked out, taunted over another guy, and I was then subject to bail over an incident. As I felt like my life was crumbling and I could have gone to jail I ended up having a couple of weeks seeing another girl (as harsh as it sounds, it was like a distraction to the real turmoil I was in)... .As soon as my ex found out, she came to meet me (this was 8 weeks after leaving me) and assured me she hadn't moved on and that she would fight to clear my name and stand by me.

I still feel as though she will do the same this time, although things may have gone further than planned, as she has got her own place as a result of claiming domestic abuse (I told her to leave the home that is in my name!). If she hasn't moved on then maybe I will find myself with yet another tough decision to make. Even if she has moved on, maybe I will find it hard to resist that one last shot of passion. Such a truly horrible predicament right now!