trying to save my marriage and protect

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello im separated from my wife,we been married 14 years and together 18,we got a lovely 12y old boy.we live on canary islands,we met here,work,and raised our son without any family here.shes english im dutch.everything was so good at the time,she took control of most things as i was useless and not good at organising,i came of the streets looking to better my life and find happiness,and i did,and yes im very thankfull for a lot of things she gave me,and after we married our son was born.so i was very happy to have a family on my own.but this is when she suddenly changed into a mother and i understand,but there was no time for me nomore,and a year later her mother was diagnosed with cancer,and died a year later,i know this has hurt her and understand.it was a very difficult time for her and me aswell,we moved back and forth to england,we didnt like our jobs,she was upset and we had a small child,i know it was more difficult for her ofcourse,i didnt get any affection but she accepted mine for many years,when i wanted sex she posponed it for as long as she could and when i got angry in the end she blamed me for pressuring her,but it wasnt the sex i just would have liked to be loved back,we separated 6 months ago after another argument and told her then she makes her own choices,she was always free to go if she wanted but never did,but at first she made it look like i kicked her and my son out and that she had to protect herself and him from me.Realy i was shocked but did see it coming,but im not the abusive agressive husband she makes out i am.its all builded up frustrations and stress that caused us to talk bad to eachother and resulted in this.my work was very bad and didnt bring home enough.she was complaining everyday that i didnt do enough everything was my fault.im happy for my boy that he doesnt have to hear that no more.but she wanted me to find a good job and to change,make or break she said butit would take a lot for her to even consider going back she added.i was devastated and didnt understand.she always told me she loved me and if she wanted to leave she would have gone a longtime ago,it was the money and didnt want to live worried and stress nomore.so after the breakup i started to see my mistakes and felt i pushed her away by demanding love to much and forgot about her feelings.and i want to change myself and create a save and healthy invironment,so thats all ibeen focussing on and to look after my son.i paid all the bills and started earning good money,the relation with my so  has always been good but improved a lot.i found a steady good job and im very happy about achieving this.i also been good with her but she is only nice when she needs something.but doesnt want to come back,everytime we see eachother for our boy its very confusing, cause we get on much better it seems,but only to get what she wants.she moved to another place,wbat absolutly made no sense cause we had no money.so it was serious,she never made time to talk,keeps saying i knocked the love out of her.3 weeks ago we was texting and about being a team and partners to lead our boy to sucses,she said she didnt k ow if she was on her head or arse,she struggles for cash aswell but got a job.my boy went on a schooltrip and she decided to go to england for a few days,when she got back things changed and she send me divorce papers with proposisions.her behavior has worried me for years and made me think it was me who caused it.then a few months into the separation i found websites about BPD and narcism and she matches most of the charastaristics,i cant prove she ever cheated but the rest is so true.already before the breakup and short after she been telling family and people around her what a abusive freak i am,but im not at all and all i been doing is proving her wrong and showing that im capable and responsible enough to provide a save invironment and that we can change things and want to change,ive proven it and my life is stress free at work and home.now i understand that it would be crazy for her to go back cause she been tellng everyone and it would make her look stupid,so it seems that the future of my son is in the hands of the people that have advised on her lies and told her to get out.now im trying to avoid this,all i ever wanted was the woman i married and im not sure if she ever existed or is hiding,im trying to make her see sense and that we all wanted to be a happy family,and that its not crazy at all to go back to save your marriage and family for the boy,she thinks hes better off this way,and maybe yes,but it will affect him,im trying to write a letter to make her understand but dont want to make it worse.for me it dont matter im an adult,and realy my life is fine and im ready to share,she thinks that she will find more happiness then repair her family,and to protect our son,but i can see him hen i want and i have a good time with him,i exualy think he would like to live with me.please i want to protect her and my son for not to get hurt more or again,ive never been aggresive or abusive,yes i have said bad things out of frustration but never threatened her to hurt only i would leave and so did she,how can i fix this,the letter is ment to give me also a bit more time cause i dont agree with the divorce or the proposision, but mostly to make her see sense thats its ok to return and talk but she got nothing to say or cant and she knows my sense is right but keeps denying or making her decision look right.sorry for the long post,there is much more,i just want her to know that if we can forgive eachother for the hurt and pain we caused ourselfs and eachother and got our boy involved in,only then we can sort out our differenses and heal together.but i know she either will ignore it or deny.she might give me a short sorry note but i dont think she will be able to reply with a letter to be open and honest and to express her feelings.ive been spending most this week trying to write a perfect letter,i want to copy it and ,after the whatever reply,save it and tell her later i have saved it for my son to read when hes old enough,she thinks she is in control but is hiding,i dont want to make her angry but dont know what else,i just feel sorry for her,i want to let her go,but spend most my life with her on this island,my son needs certainty and love and family,and now im supposed to let her go cause shes ill,maybe im the one who caused it ,and i might have contibuted but im sane and dont thi k this is normal,would any woman want to save her dream? Only if any fisical abuse or cheating but that never happened, her excuse is that i frighten her and son but still she alowes me to see him whenever.when i started no contact to also give her time and space,she sees it as im doing it to piss her off and now has send me divorce papers.what should i do?im calm and she does try to wind me up,but im not gonna go nuts,she never expected me to change things and thought i would flipout but she was and is wrong.thank you

[protect73]

Hello im separated from my wife,we been married 14 years and together 18,we got a lovely 12y old boy.we live on canary islands,we met here,work,and raised our son without any family here.shes english im dutch.everything was so good at the time,she took control of most things as i was useless and not good at organising,i came of the streets looking to better my life and find happiness,and i did,and yes im very thankfull for a lot of things she gave me,and after we married our son was born.so i was very happy to have a family on my own.but this is when she suddenly changed into a mother and i understand,but there was no time for me nomore,and a year later her mother was diagnosed with cancer,and died a year later,i know this has hurt her and understand.it was a very difficult time for her and me aswell,we moved back and forth to england,we didnt like our jobs,she was upset and we had a small child,i know it was more difficult for her ofcourse,i didnt get any affection but she accepted mine for many years,when i wanted sex she posponed it for as long as she could and when i got angry in the end she blamed me for pressuring her,but it wasnt the sex i just would have liked to be loved back,we separated 6 months ago after another argument and told her then she makes her own choices,she was always free to go if she wanted but never did,but at first she made it look like i kicked her and my son out and that she had to protect herself and him from me.Realy i was shocked but did see it coming,but im not the abusive agressive husband she makes out i am.its all builded up frustrations and stress that caused us to talk bad to eachother and resulted in this.my work was very bad and didnt bring home enough.she was complaining everyday that i didnt do enough everything was my fault.im happy for my boy that he doesnt have to hear that no more.but she wanted me to find a good job and to change,make or break she said butit would take a lot for her to even consider going back she added.i was devastated and didnt understand.she always told me she loved me and if she wanted to leave she would have gone a longtime ago,it was the money and didnt want to live worried and stress nomore.so after the breakup i started to see my mistakes and felt i pushed her away by demanding love to much and forgot about her feelings.and i want to change myself and create a save and healthy invironment,so thats all ibeen focussing on and to look after my son.i paid all the bills and started earning good money,the relation with my so  has always been good but improved a lot.i found a steady good job and im very happy about achieving this.i also been good with her but she is only nice when she needs something.but doesnt want to come back,everytime we see eachother for our boy its very confusing, cause we get on much better it seems,but only to get what she wants.she moved to another place,wbat absolutly made no sense cause we had no money.so it was serious,she never made time to talk,keeps saying i knocked the love out of her.3 weeks ago we was texting and about being a team and partners to lead our boy to sucses,she said she didnt k ow if she was on her head or arse,she struggles for cash aswell but got a job.my boy went on a schooltrip and she decided to go to england for a few days,when she got back things changed and she send me divorce papers with proposisions.her behavior has worried me for years and made me think it was me who caused it.then a few months into the separation i found websites about BPD and narcism and she matches most of the charastaristics,i cant prove she ever cheated but the rest is so true.already before the breakup and short after she been telling family and people around her what a abusive freak i am,but im not at all and all i been doing is proving her wrong and showing that im capable and responsible enough to provide a save invironment and that we can change things and want to change,ive proven it and my life is stress free at work and home.now i understand that it would be crazy for her to go back cause she been tellng everyone and it would make her look stupid,so it seems that the future of my son is in the hands of the people that have advised on her lies and told her to get out.now im trying to avoid this,all i ever wanted was the woman i married and im not sure if she ever existed or is hiding,im trying to make her see sense and that we all wanted to be a happy family,and that its not crazy at all to go back to save your marriage and family for the boy,she thinks hes better off this way,and maybe yes,but it will affect him,im trying to write a letter to make her understand but dont want to make it worse.for me it dont matter im an adult,and realy my life is fine and im ready to share,she thinks that she will find more happiness then repair her family,and to protect our son,but i can see him hen i want and i have a good time with him,i exualy think he would like to live with me.please i want to protect her and my son for not to get hurt more or again,ive never been aggresive or abusive,yes i have said bad things out of frustration but never threatened her to hurt only i would leave and so did she,how can i fix this,the letter is ment to give me also a bit more time cause i dont agree with the divorce or the proposision, but mostly to make her see sense thats its ok to return and talk but she got nothing to say or cant and she knows my sense is right but keeps denying or making her decision look right.sorry for the long post,there is much more,i just want her to know that if we can forgive eachother for the hurt and pain we caused ourselfs and eachother and got our boy involved in,only then we can sort out our differenses and heal together.but i know she either will ignore it or deny.she might give me a short sorry note but i dont think she will be able to reply with a letter to be open and honest and to express her feelings.ive been spending most this week trying to write a perfect letter,i want to copy it and ,after the whatever reply,save it and tell her later i have saved it for my son to read when hes old enough,she thinks she is in control but is hiding,i dont want to make her angry but dont know what else,i just feel sorry for her,i want to let her go,but spend most my life with her on this island,my son needs certainty and love and family,and now im supposed to let her go cause shes ill,maybe im the one who caused it ,and i might have contibuted but im sane and dont thi k this is normal,would any woman want to save her dream? Only if any fisical abuse or cheating but that never happened, her excuse is that i frighten her and son but still she alowes me to see him whenever.when i started no contact to also give her time and space,she sees it as im doing it to piss her off and now has send me divorce papers.what should i do?im calm and she does try to wind me up,but im not gonna go nuts,she never expected me to change things and thought i would flipout but she was and is wrong.thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi protect73,

Welcome and hello 

I'm glad you found the site and sorry for what brings you here.

It takes a lot of strength to not be injured by a BPD relationship, and being injured means we resort to defense mechanisms that can make things worse. There are no magic solutions to win someone back -- even so, there are things we can do to mitigate the conflict and try to stabilize things.

How are the two of you communicating right now? Any thoughts about what topics might trigger emotional outbursts?

Forgiveness on her part is based on the expectation that she can tolerate the feelings of doing something wrong. That can be very difficult (and threatening) with someone who has an unstable sense of self and a lot of shame.

Can you share with us an example of how you two communicate during an argument? Maybe we can help point out how she is likely interpreting the conversation and introduce some skills that might help even out some of the emotion reactivity.