Triangulation? Is this what it is? Or am I wrong?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have heard about our BPDs doing Triangulation.  Am I wrong saying that my ex would always bring up her exs. If she didn't talk about her ex husband she would talk about her ex boyfriend. Telling me he went away on vacation and is with all these girls etc. then if it wasn't him she would talk about a guy she meet on line and had him come to her apt Dec of 2014 after Christmas for 10 days. Is this Triangulation? Or am I wrong?

[Confused108]

I have heard about our BPDs doing Triangulation.  Am I wrong saying that my ex would always bring up her exs. If she didn't talk about her ex husband she would talk about her ex boyfriend. Telling me he went away on vacation and is with all these girls etc. then if it wasn't him she would talk about a guy she meet on line and had him come to her apt Dec of 2014 after Christmas for 10 days. Is this Triangulation? Or am I wrong?

[Makersmarksman]

I have heard about our BPDs doing Triangulation.  Am I wrong saying that my ex would always bring up her exs. If she didn't talk about her ex husband she would talk about her ex boyfriend. Telling me he went away on vacation and is with all these girls etc. then if it wasn't him she would talk about a guy she meet on line and had him come to her apt Dec of 2014 after Christmas for 10 days. Is this Triangulation? Or am I wrong?

The way I have seen and experienced triangulation is when there is a third party in your relationship that helps validate the feelings of your SO.  So, if your SO is considering leaving you, a AP/Therapist/Friend becomes your SO's guide to validate their actions as just in their mind.

Triangulation is used by people other than BPD's too, in many different aspects of life and relationships. In my case, my STBEX latched onto a new therapist that she had convinced that I am abusive and manipulative, as my stbEX could no longer successfully project her own shame and guilt on me, this allowed her to detach from me (and in a way allowed me to detach from her).  Of course this therapist simply fell for it all, up to a point and asked my oldest daughter to have a session with her and then she was informed of the reality of the situation.  She really had no idea how she was being used in the "triangle".

[Frank88]

Confused: From my perspective it does sound a little bit like triangulation, but not major.  It may sound stupid, but the triangulation comes in threes (duh!).  You are one. She is one.  All you have to do is find the third.  It gets tricky when the triangles overlap, or you even end up in what a friend last night called a rhombus (four sides, but not a square).  My ex's ex was always the persecutor, she was the victim of course, I was the rescuer.  Now that I'm gone her ex is still the persecutor, and her new guy I guess is the rescuer.  But, when I was not in the picture, her, her ex, and the kids made up the triangle.  So, yours could be a basic triangulation, but my experience is that there is usually a significant third person in there who completes the triangle (kids, parents, friend, an ex).  I've found some fun in picking out the roles of triangles that I observe now in life. Remember, the persecutor can just as easily become a victim when the BPD rages.  I found out later that my ex's ex was not as bad as he was made out to be, and had been put the ringer just like me.  Consider yourself lucky if the third angle/side of the triangle are just former people in her life, used to press your buttons.  When an ex, kids, or major role player come in, it makes it much harder.

[once removed]

it does sound like a form of triangulation yes. as MMM suggested, triangulation is not unique to people with BPD, and there are healthy/positive forms of triangulation. importantly, triangulation does not always include a third party. one can assume more than one role on the triangle. we often think of triangulation as something done to us. the freedom is in spotting what role we play, what role we see others in, and knowing how to step off the triangle.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle  

Member Discussion of the Karpman Drama Triangle  

[Confused108]

Thanks guys for explaing this to me. I will say this tho. My ex did not tell any off her exs about me. This I do believe from her.  She did tell her co workers tho she was getting back with her childhood sweetheart (me) and that was all. But after her discard of me she right away got in contact with our childhood mutual friend via FB. This mutual friend was my best friend shine birth and I told her everything that went on so she knew what  my ex was doing. This same person was the one who introduced myself and my ex at 12 yo. Lol lucky me! My friend also was the one who visited my ex as a teen in  The Mental hospital . Anyway my ex tried 2 times after my discard to get in contact with our friend. My friend was so furious with her she never answered her FB messages.

[HurtinNW]

My ex engaged in a lot of triangulation. I didn't realize that was what it was until I came here. I just knew I didn't like it, but couldn't really explain why (and he would get angry if I tried to say I didn't like it).

His triangulation included... .

Badmouthing me to friends, enlisting them as the rescuer, him as the victim, and me the persecutor, as well as getting them to validate him so he could escape responsibility

Getting therapists to take his "side." Every effort at couples counseling involved him trying to get the therapist to see how everything was my fault because I am so awful.

Telling me about ex girlfriends in comparative terms. They were always incredibly beautiful, and so forth. Or else they failed him. (hint, hint)

Using the status or alleged opinions of others as leverage against me. Even imaginary people! Such as telling me "any reasonable person" would think I am difficult, crazy and deranged.

Using social media as a third party that leads to more third parties. For example, posting lots of sad songs where the lyrics are about men being hurt by mean women, maudlin posts casting himself as the victim, and lots of efforts to curry sympathy and support from his friends after he was the one who was abusive and broke up with me.

As mentioned, some triangulation is normal. We all go to friends and vent, and want support. In my opinion it is when it becomes validation for distance, cruelty and lack of accountability then it is a real problem. For people with BPD triangulation is a tool for painting black and can be abusive in and of itself. My ex used triangulation as a form of gas-lighting, trying to convince me that everyone agreed with him I was awful and to blame for his behavior. It was a way to crush my self-esteem and isolate me as well.

[Confused108]

Hurtin so sorry you went thru all this! It is very mentally taxing. You just reminded me about something from your post. My ex only like 2 days before she started to devalue me then bam ended things outta the clear blue sooke to a friend about me. Supposedly her friend was all for us blah blah. Then literally 2 days later my ex used a stupid excuse not to talk to me then the next day after that ended things. One of my friends said to me do you think her talking to one of her friends set her off and that's why she ended things? I now wonder that myself!