Angered my BP/BPD friend who has cut off contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all

Quick synopsis.

Got back in contact with an ex boyfriend after 26 years have past.  I was always very drawn to him when I was younger and noticed that he still had the affect on me all these years later; however, I am now married with a child and live 100 miles away.

When we first got back in touch he seemed so happy to hear from me; we reminisced about the past and the laughs we used to have.  He apologised for a few things he had said and done back then and I said don't worry, we were kids; all forgotten.  We kept in touch and agreed to meet up for a coffee next time I was in the area (as I have family back home).  Leading up to meeting he kept saying it wasn't a good idea/didn't sit comfortably with him etc etc.  I got a bit cross as he was doing this right up to 2 days before we were due to meet but didn't say anything, just thought what the heck is wrong with him as he used to be so vibrant and a go getter.  Anway, we did meet and I noticed almost off the bat something was off.  However, we still got on great, and I realised I hadn't really got to know the real him in our youth and found it so easy chatting to him.  Once I got back home the texts got more flirtatious by him and it was obvious he liked me but knew I was married and he said he had a long term partner etc so we knew our boundaries.  Then the push/pull started.  He would go silent on me, or his texts would get noticeably cooler and shorter.  When he got out of this first cycle (didn't know it was that at first) we spoke for 2 hours on the phone and when I asked him about this push/pull behaviour he admitted he had bipolar and other issues but wouldn't elaborate on what the other issues were.  It was a very deep conversation whereby he told me all about his childhood etc, and I felt so much empathy for him.  I thanked him for sharing as I know he didn't have to and as I now know what I thought he had I started to do a lot of reading up on the disorder so I could communicate with him better.

Roll on to what was supposed to be another meet up and he kept saying he didn't know if he was going to be available after telling me the night before he would be able to meet.  I got cross with him and said please don't mess me about; its a long way to drive if you end up bailing on the day etc and we had a bit of a text fall out.  Everything was fine later that evening but he told me we could not longer text due to it being ambiguous and me not reading things right.  Phone calls only.  Ok fair enough.  3 days later I got a text off him saying he could no longer be friends with me, the reasons why didn't matter but asked me to delete his number and not contact him again.  I asked him what I had done wrong and he said nothing, it wasn't personal, just that he had had some bad news that had made him ill and he needed to get well again.  I said I was sorry to hear that and would be here as a friend for him if he ever needed me.  Fast forward 2 months of me sending out 'I'm here if you need me' texts every so often to know he could talk if he wanted; he eventually came out of it and said it was a really bad depression and one he hadn't had for a long time.  He told me he is more sad than happy and its a big struggle for him.

So for the next few months everything carried on like normal, texts intermingled with calls etc.  Hadn't met up with him since the first time but I was due to go back home for a reunion of sorts and he asked if he could come with me.  I said yes but do you think its a good idea (as he is an ex drug and alcohol abuser).  He reflected on it and said probably not. I said to him I would love to have a night out with you but I value your friendship and wellbeing and don't want anything to jeopardise that.  He responded with that's a very fair and considerate comment and nothing will.  Later that week we had another 2 hour phone call, just chatting and laughing etc.  He pushed the boundaries a bit but it was ok.  The following day I could tell he was going cold again so I kept contact minimal.  The following week he was due to call me but said he may not be able to so I said no problem.  He said if I can, I will; so I told him not to stress about it.  Sensing he was not really wanting to I text him later to say not to worry, I had a headache and would catch up with him later.  Within an hour he was ringing me.  I didn't hear it as it was on silent; he rang again 5 minutes later.  I missed that call so text him back saying sorry missed your call but will speak later.  He called me straight back.  He asked if I was ok; to which I said yes I am fine, you?  He said yes yes all good.  He then started on about the not texting again (which he has done on and off throughout the 10 months we have been back in contact).  I got really annoyed and said not this again.  He said I know I normally initiate them but I leave my phone lying around... and before he said anything else I cut him off.  He tried to ring back but I ignored him.  I was so angry that I text him a few times saying it was unacceptable to keep treating me the way he does; that I realise he has as an illness but that aside he was being selfish as its all about his needs and nobody elses etc.  He didn't respond.  Later on that evening I told him I couldn't do it anymore as  I realised I was in love with him and its not good for me; he's no good for me.  Told him to be happy and to take care.  No response.  Luckily the next day I had a counselling session and my counsellor suggested that I write to him one last time and tell him how I feel and apologise for any angry outburst as she sensed him may have a personality disorder as well as bipolar.  I did email him; a really heartfelt email telling how much I cared about him and how special he was to me but I knew we couldn't be anything other than friends and I valued our friendship.  No response.  By the evening I was so annoyed at the silent treatment I sent him a couple of really angry emails which did trigger a response which said 'I'm sorry you feel that way about me; please don't contact me again'.  I text him back and apologised for my anger and asked him what happened to nothing could jeopardise our friendship?  No response.  The next day, later in the afternoon I received a text off him saying 'I accept your apology, but leave it alone now'.  I said ok, thinking he meant leave the subject alone, but after reaching out via text (one) and two emails, no response.  So I am guessing he has blocked me.  I haven't tried ringing as I don't want to anger him any further.

Is this BPD behaviour?  Have I truly lost him?  Its coming up to 4 weeks this Thursday with no contact from him and I really miss him.

Thanks for reading.

[insideoutside]

Hi all

Quick synopsis.

Got back in contact with an ex boyfriend after 26 years have past.  I was always very drawn to him when I was younger and noticed that he still had the affect on me all these years later; however, I am now married with a child and live 100 miles away.

When we first got back in touch he seemed so happy to hear from me; we reminisced about the past and the laughs we used to have.  He apologised for a few things he had said and done back then and I said don't worry, we were kids; all forgotten.  We kept in touch and agreed to meet up for a coffee next time I was in the area (as I have family back home).  Leading up to meeting he kept saying it wasn't a good idea/didn't sit comfortably with him etc etc.  I got a bit cross as he was doing this right up to 2 days before we were due to meet but didn't say anything, just thought what the heck is wrong with him as he used to be so vibrant and a go getter.  Anway, we did meet and I noticed almost off the bat something was off.  However, we still got on great, and I realised I hadn't really got to know the real him in our youth and found it so easy chatting to him.  Once I got back home the texts got more flirtatious by him and it was obvious he liked me but knew I was married and he said he had a long term partner etc so we knew our boundaries.  Then the push/pull started.  He would go silent on me, or his texts would get noticeably cooler and shorter.  When he got out of this first cycle (didn't know it was that at first) we spoke for 2 hours on the phone and when I asked him about this push/pull behaviour he admitted he had bipolar and other issues but wouldn't elaborate on what the other issues were.  It was a very deep conversation whereby he told me all about his childhood etc, and I felt so much empathy for him.  I thanked him for sharing as I know he didn't have to and as I now know what I thought he had I started to do a lot of reading up on the disorder so I could communicate with him better.

Roll on to what was supposed to be another meet up and he kept saying he didn't know if he was going to be available after telling me the night before he would be able to meet.  I got cross with him and said please don't mess me about; its a long way to drive if you end up bailing on the day etc and we had a bit of a text fall out.  Everything was fine later that evening but he told me we could not longer text due to it being ambiguous and me not reading things right.  Phone calls only.  Ok fair enough.  3 days later I got a text off him saying he could no longer be friends with me, the reasons why didn't matter but asked me to delete his number and not contact him again.  I asked him what I had done wrong and he said nothing, it wasn't personal, just that he had had some bad news that had made him ill and he needed to get well again.  I said I was sorry to hear that and would be here as a friend for him if he ever needed me.  Fast forward 2 months of me sending out 'I'm here if you need me' texts every so often to know he could talk if he wanted; he eventually came out of it and said it was a really bad depression and one he hadn't had for a long time.  He told me he is more sad than happy and its a big struggle for him.

So for the next few months everything carried on like normal, texts intermingled with calls etc.  Hadn't met up with him since the first time but I was due to go back home for a reunion of sorts and he asked if he could come with me.  I said yes but do you think its a good idea (as he is an ex drug and alcohol abuser).  He reflected on it and said probably not. I said to him I would love to have a night out with you but I value your friendship and wellbeing and don't want anything to jeopardise that.  He responded with that's a very fair and considerate comment and nothing will.  Later that week we had another 2 hour phone call, just chatting and laughing etc.  He pushed the boundaries a bit but it was ok.  The following day I could tell he was going cold again so I kept contact minimal.  The following week he was due to call me but said he may not be able to so I said no problem.  He said if I can, I will; so I told him not to stress about it.  Sensing he was not really wanting to I text him later to say not to worry, I had a headache and would catch up with him later.  Within an hour he was ringing me.  I didn't hear it as it was on silent; he rang again 5 minutes later.  I missed that call so text him back saying sorry missed your call but will speak later.  He called me straight back.  He asked if I was ok; to which I said yes I am fine, you?  He said yes yes all good.  He then started on about the not texting again (which he has done on and off throughout the 10 months we have been back in contact).  I got really annoyed and said not this again.  He said I know I normally initiate them but I leave my phone lying around... and before he said anything else I cut him off.  He tried to ring back but I ignored him.  I was so angry that I text him a few times saying it was unacceptable to keep treating me the way he does; that I realise he has as an illness but that aside he was being selfish as its all about his needs and nobody elses etc.  He didn't respond.  Later on that evening I told him I couldn't do it anymore as  I realised I was in love with him and its not good for me; he's no good for me.  Told him to be happy and to take care.  No response.  Luckily the next day I had a counselling session and my counsellor suggested that I write to him one last time and tell him how I feel and apologise for any angry outburst as she sensed him may have a personality disorder as well as bipolar.  I did email him; a really heartfelt email telling how much I cared about him and how special he was to me but I knew we couldn't be anything other than friends and I valued our friendship.  No response.  By the evening I was so annoyed at the silent treatment I sent him a couple of really angry emails which did trigger a response which said 'I'm sorry you feel that way about me; please don't contact me again'.  I text him back and apologised for my anger and asked him what happened to nothing could jeopardise our friendship?  No response.  The next day, later in the afternoon I received a text off him saying 'I accept your apology, but leave it alone now'.  I said ok, thinking he meant leave the subject alone, but after reaching out via text (one) and two emails, no response.  So I am guessing he has blocked me.  I haven't tried ringing as I don't want to anger him any further.

Is this BPD behaviour?  Have I truly lost him?  Its coming up to 4 weeks this Thursday with no contact from him and I really miss him.

Thanks for reading.

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[livednlearned]

Hi izzybusy,

Welcome and hello 

It sure sounds like he's on an emotional roller coaster. It's exhausting! And it does sound like BPD behavior, although it can be hard to untangle from bipolar. Maybe he's both.

Being on the receiving end of a silent treatment can be rough. I remember reading in a book about verbal abuse that the silent treatment is worse than all other types of verbal abuse because it makes us feel invisible, which can be even more painful than being insulted.

What were the recent emails/text about?

[insideoutside]

Thank you for replying and for the welcome.

I've copied and pasted my last 3 attempts at reaching out which have been met by silence/ possibly blocked:

Text sent 19th April

Can we just forget last week; I hate falling out with anyone.

Email sent 21st April

Hi

Not sure if you've still got your number or not.  I'm confused by your last text message about leave it alone, so I hope I don't piss you off further.

I'm so sorry for my behaviour last week; i had a really bad day and I should not had taken it out on you.  I was out of order and I'm really angry at myself for behaving the way I did.  It was totally my fault and I don't blame you for getting annoyed at me.  Unfortunately I tend to hit out and push people away before they can have a chance to hurt me and that's what I did last week.

I really hope we can still be friends; I liked having you in my life and I got the impression you enjoyed my friendship too.  However, if you'd rather no longer be in contact then I'll understand.

Email sent 25th April

Not sure if you've blocked me or not as I haven't tried texting or ringing you.  This is the last time I'm going to reach out to you.

You know how much I care about you; I always will.  I will always be here as your friend if you ever need me; no matter what has happened recently and no matter how long the passage of time.  I'm upset that you can't talk to me for whatever reason but I respect your decision because I respect you and your wellbeing. I care about you more than you will ever realise.

Always here if you need me; take care, be happy X


I haven't tried again since.  I can't lose him; I care about him so much and I know he cared about me.  The day before we fell out he tried to call me when I was at work but couldn't answer; I said did he need me to call him back and he replied 'no, was just seeing if I could catch you on your lunch break'.  Sometimes he'd text and ask me if I could chat (all dependent on husband being home) as he wanted to talk to someone 'normal'.  I know he trusted me and I know he valued our friendship.  For some reason he couldn't understand why I liked him; he couldn't just seem to accept that 'I just do'.  To me he is a beautiful soul which I've told him; his laugh lifts my heart and just hearing his voice makes my day.  I'm so afraid I've lost him for good over my stupid anger over one of his cycles. 

It's either my anger and calling him out on moving the goalposts which has pushed me away or me telling him I was in love with him has.  I just wish I could turn the clock back.

[livednlearned]

Hi izzybusy,

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship, so go easy on yourself. The conundrum is that pwBPD want us to be strong and yet the behavior has the effect of weakening us. 

In general, with people who suffer from BPD, it's best to go with light, easy breezy after a spell like the two of you have had. His ability to reconcile and resolve will tend to be limited, so you have to gift yourself the closure.

The first text says "Let's not talk about what happened by mentioning it." And then it finishes with a bit about you.

He is likely someone who feels chronically victimized, and even something as innocuous as framing this as about you could feel invalidating to him. Nothing wrong with the sentiment, it's how he perceives what others do and say. Small adjustments in communication can make a difference.

For now, it's probably best to give him a chance to respond and not send more messages for the time being. Otherwise, it will start to feel like a string of apologies and appeasement and that's a slippery slope. If you do feel tempted to reach out, try to keep it limited to something with no baggage, no expectations. "Hi, hope you're doing well."

LnL

[insideoutside]

Thanks again.

I won't reach out again; I have my own abandonment issues so keep reaching out and getting the silent treatment is killing me inside.  I care about this man so much but I'm so scared of rejection myself that it makes me pull away if not reciprocated so we are at a stalemate really.  i had to psych myself up to text him and felt physically sick at the thought of rejection.

I know I hurt him with my words; I know he won't let anybody upset his wellbeing and peace of mind so he's probably cut me off to preserve his own being.

We are 44 and 48; we shouldn't be doing this dance at our age; life is too short and everybody deserves happiness.

[insideoutside]

Is 4 weeks a long time for a BPD to not contact a non?  What might be going through his mind?

About a month before we had the fallout he said another ex girlfriend had contacted him and he met up with her as he was interested in what she'd been up to and other people that they had known.  He said that he could tell she wanted more but he didn't want to get back with her.  Apparently she kept texting and emailing him and he told her he didn't want anymore contact from her. 

In some of the things we've talked about he sometimes 'forgets' he has a girlfriend in what we are discussing; then in another conversation the girlfriend will reappear.  At Christmas he said she had left him as she couldn't take it anymore (after his last depressive episode) so I ended up worrying about him all xmas ruining my own; then suddenly she's back in the picture in the new year.

I don't know; sometimes it sounds like he throws these things out there to make me believe that he is wanted and adored by others; why I do not know.  He knows how I feel about him so unless he's trying to make me jealous? 

I'm so tempted to reach out and contact him with an email address he doesn't know just to see if he responds but I don't want to annoy him and not sure what what it would achieve really.

[livednlearned]

Is 4 weeks a long time for a BPD to not contact a non?  What might be going through his mind?

His needs may be getting met just fine from his girlfriend, and he does not need you in the moment. Maybe a new girlfriend has appeared, or the other ex girlfriend, it's hard to say. Being impulse driven and having a lot of anxiety, he will be surviving each moment by filling the emptiness with whatever or whoever is the least complicated, best fit with what he needs in that moment.

In some of the things we've talked about he sometimes 'forgets' he has a girlfriend in what we are discussing; then in another conversation the girlfriend will reappear.  At Christmas he said she had left him as she couldn't take it anymore (after his last depressive episode) so I ended up worrying about him all xmas ruining my own; then suddenly she's back in the picture in the new year.

This sounds about right. You may want to read about object constancy.

I don't know; sometimes it sounds like he throws these things out there to make me believe that he is wanted and adored by others; why I do not know.  He knows how I feel about him so unless he's trying to make me jealous?  

BPD is marked by an unstable self. If you are relatively rooted in a self that is working for you, then it's hard to imagine what it feels like to go through life without that relative certainty. In some ways, you are a screen he is projecting himself on. He has examples of people who want and need and love him, you are one of them. That probably feels good, though he does not feel comfortable going much further because: intimacy. Which requires a degree of transparency that can be too vulnerable and painful to experience for someone who has no stable sense of self. It might be a hidden agenda to remind you of the ex, and it might also be that you are simply hearing part of the story that he tells himself to comfort himself.

I'm so tempted to reach out and contact him with an email address he doesn't know just to see if he responds but I don't want to annoy him and not sure what what it would achieve really.

What would you say?

[insideoutside]

So he could really have a girlfriend but 'forgets' about her when she's physically not there?  To be honest I thought he had made her up so he didn't look 'sad and lonely'.

I don't know what I'd say really; I just hope he's ok as I know the depression gets to him badly at times.  Although I'm sure he's probably fine.  I wish he'd reach out.

[livednlearned]

What are your thoughts about using this time to read about BPD and look closely at what's going on with your goals and objectives, what's going on with you? Like you mentioned with a lot of insight, there are rejection/abandonment issues going on for you.

We often seek partners for reasons psychologists call repetition compulsion. Often there are attachment style match-ups that can be very destructive, though they feel amazing (idealization) in the early phases. There is nothing as intoxicating as being mirrored by someone who has no real stable sense of self, because they can mirror us to a degree someone more rooted cannot or will not. We fall in love with this reciprocal mirroring that cannot be sustained. 

To be in a BPD relationship requires a lot of emotional strength, not just the desire to rescue and save and be made to feel whole, but genuine emotional strength.

You have an opportunity to catch this stuff early before going down a rabbit hole, and that's a gift   

Does the attachment and subsequent rejection remind you of other relationships you've had? That was a question that kept me going for years!

[insideoutside]

My abandonment issues come from my mum; single parent, dad left when I was a baby and never saw him again.  Mum was strict; when I was 19 she upped and left me to move to the US leaving me with a house I had to run and suddenly felt like my world had turned upside down.  I then lost my only real support in the form of my nan and grandad within years of her leaving.  My relationships to that point were ok but I started to get angry that everybody seemed to have a normal life but I didn't; so I became an angry person who pushed people away.  I've mellowed so much over the years but my abandonment issues rated their head again in 2010 when my husband left me and had an affair with a work colleague.  He tried to come back but my pride wound t allow it.  Eventually I said ok as my daughter was having issues and the last thing I wanted was get feeling how I did growing up.  Just as we were about to reconcile the other woman contacted me and told me she was pregnant.  You can imagine how devastated I was.  About six months later he was pleading to come home; I was a mess, he was a mess and do was my 6 year old so I took him back.  We've been back together 5 years nearly and my abandonment issues subsided again until I got back in contact with my friend whose push/pull and silent treatment/cutting me off has triggered them again which resulted in my anger towards him which was the reason for him cutting me off.

I am in love with him but I know it can't be; I have my own wellbeing to think of and of course my daughter; but I want him as a friend.  I felt at home when we spoke.  I would settle on being his friend as he means that much to me.  

I don't know if it will ever be repaired which really upsets me.

[livednlearned]

That's a lot of loss for you to go through, a lot of abandonment  :'(

I can see why this encounter with your ex would be so painful.

What you said about pushing people away really resonates with my own story, something that has been painful to overcome, although ultimately possible. There is a book that explains different attachment styles that might help you in your own journey in understanding some of the patterns.

The idea is that our attachment styles form in our childhood, infancy really. And define our romantic relationships. The most common ones are secure attachments, and avoidant attachments, and anxious attachments. The book does not go into depth about ambivalent(mixture) attachment styles, which apparently describe BPD. Attached: The New Science of Adult Romantic Relationships by Amar Levine.

My experience was rejection has mostly been emotional, within the family unit. Even so, I see now that picked difficult, remote, and inconsistent men because that was familiar. If they loved me, then it meant I was worthy. The more difficult the better   the more meaningful the "win" if I fixed them or saved them or whatever.

It may be different for you, though it's good to look at the patterns because often they help us understand why we long for people who hurt us.