I don't know what to do about my sister

[Pianowoman]

I really need some help here, as this situation with my sister is such a dark cloud that takes over my whole life if I let it.  I need to get into specifics, but I am afraid if I do, she might read it, as she may be posting here, too.  I received an email from her that hurt me more than anything I've ever experienced.  I don't know whether to respond or not.  She is working with a therapist, but BPD is not a term she is using.  She blames all of her unhappiness and poor self-esteem on my brothers and parents.  I've tried to be a fixer for her for years.  No matter what I do, the anger continues.  I am in a damned if I do damned if I don't situation regarding whether I should respond to her email. She lives across the country from me and phone calls get us no where.

I tried to set boundaries.  We had a long conversation by phone two years ago   where I listened to all of the hurts she felt I had inflicted upon her, did my best to lovingly make amends and apologize for all that she listed, and we agreed that the reset button was pushed and we would move forward from there.  She brought up all those past hurts again in the last conversation we had.  I asked her to stop, as we had already been there.  She she wouldn't I ended the conversation, per the boundary I set.  Help.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 Pianowoman

Welcome!  So sorry for your situation.

My uBPD sis seemed to have a mental list of everything she hated about me.  When she flew into a rage, I got to listen to all of them over and over again.  Someone else is always the blame for things.  In her view, I was either talking down to her or over her head - I couldn't win.  My therapist said she is likely insecure and jealous.  

I need to get into specifics, but I am afraid if I do, she might read it, as she may be posting here, too.  

What makes you think that your sister comes to the BPD Family Website?  Might she think that someone else in the family has BPD?  

 

She is working with a therapist, but BPD is not a term she is using.

Do you think she is trying to skirt around the issue of BPD, perhaps saying she has a personality disorder?

We had a long conversation by phone two years ago,where I listened to all of the hurts she felt I had inflicted upon her, did my best to lovingly make amends and apologize for all that she listed, and we agreed that the reset button was pushed and we would move forward from there.

Did you think you were responsible for any or all that you apologized for?

 She she wouldn't I ended the conversation, per the boundary I set.

 

   Good for you for enforcing your boundary!

I have limited contact with my uPBD sis right now, via US Mail only.  I've never had an opportunity to "talk over issues" from my perspective.  We hit the reset button after her 2nd most recent rage event, but nothing changed.  She tamed down for a short period of time, only to start another "painting black campaign" against me, about a month later. I hate to keep starting over, as if nothing happened (without talking over the issues).  The more I read about other people's situation with BPDs, the more I wonder if it would even make a difference to talk through things, as she might just do the same thing your sister did and start another cycle.

I think we all have our own pros and cons to various forms of communication.  My sister goes into rages, so there can be a downside to face-to-face communication, unless it might be together with a therapist.

Are you seeing a therapist? There is a lot of great information on this Website.  Check out the Learning Center section and the links to the right side of the web age you are on.

[Pianowoman]

My sister is seeing a therapist who seems to support her feelings that my brothers, parents and I have destroyed her self esteem and treated her as a scapegoat. (some of her phrasing here) 

When we reset our relationship button a few years ago, I listened to her tell me that I had treated her terribly for years and was horrible to her during our Mother's dying and death.  I tried to make amends by telling her that she seemed so very hurt and in pain and I was deeply sorry for having any part in causing her such pain up to that point in our lives.  She could never give me any specifics of how I mistreated her, but I can tell you that I have  specifics of how she reduced me to a sobbing heap several times during the period when we lost our Mother.  I tried to bring this up, gently, but it enraged her more, so I dropped it.  I told her at the time that we were putting that part of our lives behind us and we would start fresh. I tried so hard to make amends and start fresh.

The rage this time began over a FB post she posted that was quite inflammatory.  My husband and brothers disagreed with her.  I did nothing but tell her that I was so sorry she was so annoyed and upset by this FB fracas. She was furious at my use of the word annoyed.  She became further enraged when our 86 year old father told me that he did not want to change to the new caregiver that she had researched and asked that we keep the old one.  Somehow that was my fault.

No communication with her for several months.  Then, I decided to reach out and sent her husband and son birthday cards, gift and Mothers' Day card to her, as all fell in the same week.  She responded with a scorching email, calling me vicious, and reiterating again how horribly the whole family treats her, and that her therapist is helping her see that the way we treat her is a lifelong pattern of abuse on our part.  Again, no specifics.  My parents adored each other, and we were a relatively happy normal family growing up.

The part that really broke me is hard to share, but maybe it will bring some healing.  I am a grateful recovering alcoholic, in strong years long recovery.  The 12 step program has saved my life, and my son's life as well.  She told me that she thought this program was crap and that I was basically a phony, because I had not done 9th and 10th steps with her.  I did do an amends with her, during that long reset phone conversation several years ago, and was as clear, open and honest as I could be.  She has finally found the cruelest thing she could say to me. 

I can't stop thinking about how or if I should respond to this email.  I am terrified.  I guess my sister won... However, I remain strong in my sobriety and lean on my support systems.  I do think I may need to see a therapist to help me deal with how much this relationship has shattered me.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Congrats on your sobriety!  Stay strong.  Some counseling with a therapist sounds like a good idea. That way, you can be very specific with your therapist and feel more secure that everything is confidential.

Your sister may believe that she is a victim.  I can guarantee you that my sister has told all her church friends that I'm crazy and she is a victim.  I'm thinking that therapists don't always get accurate information from their clients.  Sometimes they might catch onto the fact that the client is the one with the problem, but that isn't likely always the case.

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).  I think you will relate to the situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Facebook and social media in general can cause a lot of havoc in families.  I'm glad I don't use Facebook.  My therapist and I have briefly spoken about Facebook.  It seems to be good for the therapy business,   You might want to coordinate with your brothers and husband in regard to Facebook strategy.  Probably best to NOT respond to your sister's remarks, as it will fuel the flame.  Might even restrict what your sister has access to or perhaps block her. 

So sorry about the loss of your mom and your father's failing health.  It appears to be common for personality flaws to appear when we have to work together on important things.  The wheels fell off the bus for me when my sister and I had to start working together on issues regarding our parents.  My Dad passed in Oct of 2014 and my mom in Feb. of 2015. 

In our late teens and early 20's, my sister and I got along well.  I just had no idea of things to come.

My sister's temperment changed over the years and boy was I surprised, when we were forced to work together and make a lot of tough decisions regarding our parents.  After all, we were sisters and our parent's decline in health and death should bring us together, right?  Boy, that couldn't be any farther from what happened.

My sister would hang up the phone in mid conversation.  She argued about stupid things that were meaningless.  She would pick a fight with herself and argue and defend a position before she would give me a chance to say I agreed with it.  She was bad at listening, as she was always preparing for an argument and it was hard to get in a word in edgewise.  She would say I said things that I didn't and then wouldn't acknowledge something I did say.  In hindsight, I suspect she never heard a lot of things because she was so involved in preparing her argument instead of listening.

From her perspective, I was either talking down to her or talking over her head.  If I deferred to her on a decision for the latest care facility, she told me I didn't care about our  mom.  If I had given an opinion, she would have fought about it.  I just couldnt win.  Then, she would go into violent rages.   

I'm suspecting that your sister just wasn't listening when you called her about Steps 9 and 10.  I guess people can react differently when someone is working their steps and ask for forgiveness. I received a forgiveness call in the past from someone I used to have a realtionship with.  I had forgiven him on my own, long before the call.  At that time, it bothered me a bit, as I had put the awful things I experienced with him behind me and I didn't want to rehash it. 

Take care of yourself!  You worked hard for your sobriety. Click around this website, as there is a lot of helpful information in the Learning Center and there are some links on the right side of the page.

I'm still on a bit of a learning curve myself.  I'm sure others will have something useful to add for you.