How do you emotionally accept you were with a severely damaged individual?

[asphyx]

When growing up, I was taught to always see the good in people. Since I am a genuine person with empathy, I find it almost impossible to accept emotionally that BPDs are 'fake' and are acting. When someone does something, I just assume that they are doing it for the reasons I would do it. This has screwed me over massively in my BPD relationship, and is preventing me from moving on.

I just got a scathing email from my exBPD, where she says she never loved me, wishes the worst for me, threatened to get me killed if I talk about her to mutual friends, says she is going to have sex with as many guys as she can, admitted to having sex with someone I know a couple days after I broke up with her. My heart started racing instantly and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach just from reading it. It hurt so much to read. I have gone through a lot of abuse from her, but this is by far the most harsh and verbally abusive she has ever been to me. I have known she was BPD for a long time, but she still played me so well. She had me convinced that she wasn't a severe borderline, I kept thinking to myself "she's different than the others", "she would never do X to me", etc. After breaking up with her, the devil has been exposed. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

[Sarah May]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.  It is so hard to make sense of the BPD roller coaster when we are looking through our own lens, the one that is based on being consistent with our true feelings and character.  It sounds like she does not want your love.  It appears to enrage her (and from what I have read, no amount of love can heal someone with BPD unless that person chooses to love her or himself and to get the necessary help).  She feels unlovable and bad inside.  She has to drive you away.  Though it is hard to let her go, because of the good times you remember, you must for your sanity.  If it helps, this is not personal.  She is stuck in a hell that predated your relationship.

[SoMadSoSad]

She must have loved you a lot and you broke her heart. She has to hate you or she would fall into a deep depression. She is hurting bro give her some space and time. If you love her, tell her and tell her you will give her space to heal.

[seenr]

asphyx

One thing I'd take from that mail is it is not about her wanting to enjoy things (eg sex with other men) it is about hurting you. It's also just words - eg threatening to kill you. Do you think that is a threat? If not, the whole mail was designed to take aim at your heart and fire a rocket into it and it seems like it succeeded.

Does the mail make you any less of a person? No.

[Meili]

Please try to remember that pwBPD act out so as to not have to feel. They are redirecting their emotions outward as a means of denial. The letter isn't about you, it's about her.

What may help with your emotional reaction is to stop and ground yourself. Feel yourself connected to your chair and/or ground. Then examine how you're actually feeling and what you are experiencing physically. Your body will tell you quite a bit about what is actually going on inside of you. From there, you can start to figure out why you are feeling as you do.

Can you tell what your body is telling you?

[Icanteven]

I find it almost impossible to accept emotionally that BPDs are 'fake' and are acting.

You don't have to accept that they're "'fake' and are acting."  In my experience, they truly feel what they feel in the moment they feel it, but because of the nature of the disorder, there is no permanence to those feelings.  My wife's therapist called them "masks," or personas they unconsciously adopt based on the situation as a primitive defense mechanism.  I had the same reaction as you at first, except I came to believe that my entire marriage and my wife's relationship to our children was a lie; it wasn't, but it was an affectation of the persona my wife felt compelled to adopt.  Finally, I'm sure she loved us, but stop and ask yourself this:   leaving me out of it, if a woman can split her life to the point that she walks away from the children and doesn't even think twice, how disordered can this disease really truly become?

Awful email from ex

As has been said to the point of cliche, the opposite of love is not hate, but rather indifference.  Clearly she still has deep feelings for you, as evidenced by her desire to hurt you as deeply as she feels hurt.  Brace yourself, as there is no doubt she will do exactly what she says as a means of hurting you.  That said, always keep in the forefront of your mind two things:  1) this is her way of exacting revenge; it's not about the sex or finding someone better or ANYTHING but hurting you.  And; 2) In the inevitable event that she finds someone else to call her boyfriend, remember that without tons and tons of therapy she will do to him exactly what she did to you. 

To wrap things up, what were her relationships like before you?  My wife's were absolute sh1t shows that ended in ways that are the stuff of internet apocrypha.  Foolishly, I attributed these blowouts to a combination of being mentally ill without being on her meds and in therapy and/or a series of men who couldn't give her what she needed.  I was wrong, as in the end she crushed me just as hard as she did all her other serious, previous lovers, only this time there was a marriage and children involved.  But, it didn't change the outcome one bit.  And, given that she's not getting the therapy required to affect her BINGO-like collection of Cluster B personality traits, it's not gonna be any different any time soon.

You're not alone.  There are a ton of us living through the same hell.  You will get through it too, but it is absolutely devastating for sure,

[drained1996]

I completely agree with seenr... .

That email was her doing her best to hurt you.  Why?  Because that's how a lot of BPD's react in emotionally overwhelming times.  Remember, they are impaired, typically their emotional development is equal to that of a child.  I know that's hard to comprehend sometimes... .especially when looking at an adult.  But that's one of the crux's of this illness.  

And I feel your pain when looking back and having seen she may have been on the lower end of the spectrum of borderline.  At times, I thought the exact same.  I came to find that it didn't really matter if she was a 1 on scale of 1-10.  An analogy I would use here is that it doesn't matter whether she was using a spoon (1 on the scale) or an axe (10 on the scale) to cut out my heart... .I'd even say the spoon could hurt worse and cause more damage to us.  Point being, they suffer from a serious mental illness.

Have you thought about blocking her email?

Take care of you!

[Meili]

What do you think would happen if you didn't react to what she said? I mean, if you didn't show that it hurt you?

[seenr]

asphyx

If it is any consolation, this is what my ex said to me the last night we spoke:

I don't love you

I want to be with someone who respects me

I know you are finding things tough but this is over

She didn't mention anything about being with other people sexually as both of us were always honest any time we got back together about things that happened while apart. But she knew those three statements above wold absolutely cut me in two. I think she expected me to try harder and run after her more after hearing these statements but my reaction was to close off communication which I think has confused her.

If, as was suggested, you ignore the communication, it could lessen the effect. In my opinion a huge need for the BPD is to know they have hurt and delivered a knockout blow. I often saw my ex stop raging once she saw hurt in my face/eyes.

[seenr]

I often found it easier to talk to my ex's daughter (16) as my ex as even though the child would rage, the rage would last 30-60 seconds and words I said could get through to her.

When my ex raged I often couldn't get through, there simply was no point.

Because that's how a lot of BPD's react in emotionally overwhelming times.  Remember, they are impaired, typically their emotional development is equal to that of a child.  I know that's hard to comprehend sometimes... .especially when looking at an adult.  But that's one of the crux's of this illness.

[Meili]

When my ex raged I often couldn't get through, there simply was no point.

Not to hijack the thread, and I think that it is appropriate to for this discussion... .

We all need to remember that what is rational to us is not rational to a person engulfed in emotions. It happens to all of us, not just pwBPD.

When seenr's ex was raging and he couldn't get through, that was because she was reacting emotionally. At that moment, feelings = facts. So, anything that was said that was contrary to the facts didn't compute.

To bring this back to the hurtful/hateful communication, at the moment the words were written/uttered, they were done from an emotional perspective. All actually logic was gone. It has truly helped me to remember this. The hurt is far less and, perhaps more importantly, my reactions are far different.

[seenr]

Good point Meili & going back to the original post by asphyx, I do agree with what you have said.

[vortex of confusion]

When growing up, I was taught to always see the good in people. Since I am a genuine person with empathy, I find it almost impossible to accept emotionally that BPDs are 'fake' and are acting. When someone does something, I just assume that they are doing it for the reasons I would do it. This has screwed me over massively in my BPD relationship, and is preventing me from moving on.

I have a difficult time accepting that ex is as messed up as he is. Like you, I tend to see the good in people. Even when they are being complete jerks, I tend to dismiss it and make excuses. For me, it has helped to stop worrying so much about whether or not he is fake or acting. In the moment, he will seem so sincere and genuine and then change two days later. I used to agonize over the stuff that he said and figure out why he said it and figure out his motives. All it did was tie me up in knots and keep me confused. I still go there from time to time. I have a couple of good friends that I vent to and their response is usually, "Why are you surprised? This is nothing new." That really helps me to stay grounded.

I try to focus more on "this crap hurts" and then ask myself "what can I do to get him to stop?". I figured out that he will find a way to say and do stuff that is hurtful. Now my focus is on, "How in the world can I NOT react to this stuff?" We have 4 kids together so I have to maintain some contact.

Is there a reason that you still have some contact with this person?

Would it be more helpful if you looked at it from an angle that didn't involve having to admit that she is a severely damaged individual? Can you change to the focus to YOU and how you feel about it?

I have been married to ex for 18 years. I still can't wrap my mind around some of the stuff that he has done. I stopped trying for the most part. The bottom line is that his behavior was NOT normal and the way I reacted wasn't normal either. I was on an emotional roller coaster trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't. Was he being sincere? Was it an act? I thought that if I could make sense of things then I could some how figure out how to save the relationship.

[cherryblossom]

Like ur thread title - im surpassing thhat and thinking how do I emotionally accept that im a badly damaged individual?

[cherryblossom]

I feel like they bring us an awareness of our own damage - i tend to focus on good and try and deny my past but it's there ready to bit my arse - so need to face it once and for all - blend the light and dark in me and be a truly authentic person myself x

[sweet tooth]

When growing up, I was taught to always see the good in people. Since I am a genuine person with empathy, I find it almost impossible to accept emotionally that BPDs are 'fake' and are acting. When someone does something, I just assume that they are doing it for the reasons I would do it. This has screwed me over massively in my BPD relationship, and is preventing me from moving on.

I just got a scathing email from my exBPD, where she says she never loved me, wishes the worst for me, threatened to get me killed if I talk about her to mutual friends, says she is going to have sex with as many guys as she can, admitted to having sex with someone I know a couple days after I broke up with her. My heart started racing instantly and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach just from reading it. It hurt so much to read. I have gone through a lot of abuse from her, but this is by far the most harsh and verbally abusive she has ever been to me. I have known she was BPD for a long time, but she still played me so well. She had me convinced that she wasn't a severe borderline, I kept thinking to myself "she's different than the others", "she would never do X to me", etc. After breaking up with her, the devil has been exposed. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I wish I could give you an answer to your question. I too was raised to see the best in people and treat people with empathy.  I'm going through the same feelings you are.  As far as the hurtful comments from your BPD ex, I can only recommend that you go to the police.  She made a direct threat to your life and you have it in writing.  That is worth pursuing an RO for in my opinion.

I understand what you're going through, except my situation isn't as intense or severe. My uBPD exgf hasn't made direct contact with me or threatened me. However, I've seen an increase in activity online from obviously fake Facebook accounts and LinkedIn views, in addition to a mysterious view on Match (no photo, very limited info). I've also received an increased in phone calls I don't recognize and they never leave messages. Lastly, I had a "flying monkey" engage me (we hadn't spoken in 6 months) and ask me to go to an event in my person with BPD's hometown the same weekend my person with BPD reactivated her Facebook. Waaaaaayyy too much to be a coincidence, and my T agrees.

Honestly, I wish I had an open threat in writing. I would go to the police and put a stop to this nonsense. I had to give up Facebook for the time being due to the emotional distress of a new Fake profile popping up every week since she reactivated her FB. One of them even messaged me. I told her I wasn't going to play games and to message me through her actual account or through the cell phone.  The second time I said that there was no response, and the account was deleted the next day... .only to have another mysterious one pop up... .

[gotbushels]

Hi asphyx  

Your story is similar to mine, especially the last part.




You mentioned things like getting "played" and feeling hurt. Possibly some anger and resentment.

When growing up, I was taught to always see the good in people.

I was taught this too. It made me angry when she didn't behave like how I thought she "should". If you operate only this way, it will set you up to get screwed like this. You can keep the belief--but be very careful how you apply it.

Since I am a genuine person with empathy, I find it almost impossible to accept emotionally that BPDs are 'fake' and are acting.

I thought this too. She told me she was fantastic at empathy. That pissed me off: "Like hell you are." I did wisemind, studied; turns out BPs can be very sensitive in one dimension of empathy--just that it helps to torture them. This allows for both of us to be right. I didn't tell her, she threw things at me when psychology came up. Do it for your own understanding.

When someone does something, I just assume that they are doing it for the reasons I would do it. This has screwed me over massively in my BPD relationship, and is preventing me from moving on.

This led me to a lot of pain, hatred, distrust, misunderstanding, etc. The answer here is a simple one: her assumptions were different. But you already know that by the sounds of it. This allows her to be responsible for her contributions, and you for yours. If you see difficulty in that, try to do mindfulness.

The email is just something they do. I've been subject to the same thing. Instead see that it does very little good for you. It does something good for her by trying to hurt you. Whether she succeeds or not doesn't matter. She might feel good anyway simply because she can access you. Don't perpetuate this by leaving yourself open to it. Remember she doesn't operate on your assumptions.

Imagine you're both locked in the bedroom, buck naked and sweaty, playing tag. It's fun, sure. Now imagine her with a small kitchen knife and trying to stab you with it instead. Still fun? Perhaps. Still want to play with her? Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I hope you find rest.  




Getting emotional acceptance for me looked like this:

1. Approach with a mindful and nonjudgmental spirit.

2. Seek to understand their position → seek to understand your position (step 3 in sidebar).

[asphyx]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

I'm still struggling to let go of the fantasy that she had presented me with. I kept thinking that we would one day buy our own place in the countryside and we would live happily ever after. It crushes me to think that it will never happen.

I desperately tried to make the relationship work. I would have done anything in the world. I knew it wasn't a normal healthy relationship, but I didn't really care.

Now I keep thinking to myself, why does BPD even exist? Why can't these people just be needy without all the crazy abusive ___? I'm having real difficulties with acceptance.

[Meili]

I can relate to how hard it is to let go of the fantasy that was created. It always hurts to watch a dream slip away (or in the case with a pwBPD, exploding). But, here's some good news for you, even if it might not seem good at this moment, you can now create something better than just a fantasy. You can have your dream, but in a real, sustainable, non-disordered way.

I know that it is painful to think that you'll have to share that dream with someone else, but may this might help: The person that you share it with will actually be able to participate in and love the dream as much as you do!

I am also familiar with the "but I didn't care" part of being in a r/s with a pwBPD. I would have stuck it out with mine if I had been given the chance. But, I had to ask myself why I was willing to keep myself in an abusive situation? Have you looked at why you were willing to?

[Icanteven]

I am also familiar with the "but I didn't care" part of being in a r/s with a pwBPD. I would have stuck it out with mine if I had been given the chance. But, I had to ask myself why I was willing to keep myself in an abusive situation? Have you looked at why you were willing to?

I think this is a fantastic question.  My case is different in that we are married with young children and there was a ton of FOG going on.  But, even when we were dating, I can go back and look at emails that could have been written very recently instead of years ago, but with the same message:  I am pouring my heart and soul into this relationship and you vacillate between periods of being the most amazing, affectionate, wonderful woman in the world to periods of straight up not giving two sh1ts about me or anything going on in my life, with the periods of indifference growing longer and more frequent.  Why did I put up with it?  Because the highs were so high that it almost made the lows worth it.  Well, except in the last year when there was nothing but lows and the threats of self harm and suicide grew louder and more frequent and I couldn't leave because we're a family and I wouldn't have left otherwise because i felt obligated to stay.

[Meili]

Not to hijack the thread, but I think that this is important for all of us to look at.

Why did I put up with it?  Because the highs were so high that it almost made the lows worth it.

That's the easy answer, now for the hard part, what about you was in place before meeting your pwBPD that made you so susceptible to those highs that you'd tolerate the lows?

[asphyx]

That's the easy answer, now for the hard part, what about you was in place before meeting your pwBPD that made you so susceptible to those highs that you'd tolerate the lows?

Personally, I desperately crave affection, so I was intoxicated by the fact that this cute girl loved me so deeply and was so attached to me. My life was rather boring and she injected it with drama and extreme highs. She also gave me mind-blowing sex whenever I wanted it.

I knew about her BPD for a long time, and also knew about how to 'play' her so that I had the upper hand in the relationship for many years (she eventually broke me down though). 90% of the time she was on extremely good behaviour and would do whatever I wanted, which seems to be a lot higher than many other stories I read on here, so I figured it was worth it.

My exBPD gave me some of the best moments of my life that I will never forget, and it's really hard to accept that I won't experience it again.

[Leonis]

Every bit of her future suffering is a bit of my consolation.

Sounds horrible. I know. This is pretty much the only way I can gradually forget her.

[drained1996]

asphx,

I'm going to question you on 90% of the time she was on "good behavior".  If you had to "play" her, that meant you had to give when she was giving nothing to make things "work".  So how much of that 90% of your so called good behavior from her... .did you actually suffer for?

I'm guessing the answer to my question will significantly lower your 90% theory. 

Don't feel alone.  I've done that.  As many of us have. 

[asphyx]

I'm going to question you on 90% of the time she was on "good behavior".  If you had to "play" her, that meant you had to give when she was giving nothing to make things "work".  So how much of that 90% of your so called good behavior from her... .did you actually suffer for?

I'm guessing the answer to my question will significantly lower your 90% theory. 

Don't feel alone.  I've done that.  As many of us have. 

Well all I did to play her was refuse to tell her that I loved her, which kept her on her toes trying to conquer me. She was on her best behaviour (most of the time) because she was desperate to hear those words from me. It didn't take much effort to do, but it did upset me because deep-down I really did love her, and wanted to take the relationship to the next level. I wanted a normal relationship with her but I knew it wasn't possible. I knew that if she found out how much I loved her and cared for her, it would trigger her abandonment fears from childhood, and she would start to paint me black.

[Meili]

Personally, I desperately crave affection, so I was intoxicated by the fact that this cute girl loved me so deeply and was so attached to me. My life was rather boring and she injected it with drama and extreme highs. She also gave me mind-blowing sex whenever I wanted it.

... .

My exBPD gave me some of the best moments of my life that I will never forget, and it's really hard to accept that I won't experience it again.

Here's the good news, you are now free to experience much of the same without the damaging effects.

Your life was boring before her, now you get to change it and make it more of what you want. She gave you a gift if you choose to accept it.

You can make your life non-boring and attract someone who wants to share that with you and will be capable of the good, consistent, sustainable kind of love. You just have to do the work to get what you want. Make sense?

[seenr]

I really like this comment.

Last night I got home and was really down. I spoke to some relatives who really don’t understand why I’d still love someone who was so loving but could turn on me and do horrible things. I read some threads on this forum, got a good night’s sleep.

When I woke today, that sense of dread was still there, missing my ex, maybe she is with someone else now, nothing will be right. But I challenged myself to think. Why did I accept abusive behaviour? Why did I allow myself to become abusive, in order to meet/try to defeat the abusive behaviour I was receiving? I pieced a few things together and in the areas of self-esteem, self-loathing, childhood and how I felt about myself and some answers appeared. I thank Meili for making me do that. I have seen Meili ask that on successive threads.

The more I focus on why my ex did certain things, the more time I’m wasting on working on myself, fixing myself, being able to be in a new relationship. I am also open to my ex coming back, but far less so than when we split. With my counsellor, I have marked out 5 boundaries that are non-negotiable. I am moving towards me dictating my happiness. It is difficult work, but reading Meili’s & JerryRG’s posts have helped me move my thinking in that direction.

I have a lot to be thankful for – a beautiful little boy whom I treasure. I haven’t thought about him enough recently, have thought more about his Mum, but that is changing too. Looking forward to spending more time with him and seeing the beauty & joy of life in his expressions, happiness, innocence.

Here's the good news, you are now free to experience much of the same without the damaging effects.

Your life was boring before her, now you get to change it and make it more of what you want. She gave you a gift if you choose to accept it.

You can make your life non-boring and attract someone who wants to share that with you and will be capable of the good, consistent, sustainable kind of love. You just have to do the work to get what you want. Make sense?

[Meili]

Thank those that came before me that challenged me to look at those things. 

maybe she is with someone else now, nothing will be right.

The next challenge for you, when you're ready, is to really examine why that matters to you.

When I started having those thoughts, I tried to quash them by reminding myself that she's a free woman, no longer attached to me, why did I care if she was out with someone else? Well, the answer is obvious. I was jealous. Someone else has what I want.

This lead to the question of why can't I have what I want? That one was a little more difficult to answer. Each of us is different in this regard and have to find our own answers to that one. I will say that it's really easy to blame the pwBPD. "I can't have what I want because she's crazy!" type of thinking. I have discovered that isn't the end of the story though if that's what we truly believe; unless we are admitting that we want crazy. No, it's that we can't have what we want because we have not created the life that fosters it. We are looking to the external to give us what we want. We should really be looking inside for that.

The second part of your statement is equally as interesting. Why do we care if it works out for them? For me, the answer was because I would feel inferior if it does. "He could give her what she wants, why can't I?" But, to avoid facing the real question that needs to be addressed, I avoided the issue all together by taking comfort in the fact that her new r/s will turn out just like ours did. All that did was keep the focus on her and her issues and off of me and mine. It created an air of anger and disdain towards a woman that I claim to love so deeply. Why wish her hurt if I love her became the question to answer?

Cheers!

[william3693]

Seenr

Would you mind sharing what the 5 boundaries are that you marked out as non-negotiable?

[seenr]

No problem. These are all must happens for me if we decide to re-connect as a couple. Our last conversation about our relationship was 7 weeks ago when she told me she no longer loves me, doesn’t enjoy the relationship and wants someone who respects her. The day before she told me there was a chance we could make the relationship work if we attended counselling. Previously, she had ended the relationship after a row, where things she said were ok to say, but a couple of things I said, were in her opinion unforgivable. I begged her to keep the relationship going, we did, but it meant me working harder. I could be wrong, but I think that she was surprised that after the conversation 7 weeks ago, I did not try to keep the relationship going again. Maybe she thought I’d run after her again, but I didn’t. She has accused me of ending the relationship because I left the house after being assaulted & my Son was crying.

As tough as it has been, I have decided to work on me, not me & her. In the past she has ‘come back’ after time apart and re-kindled the relationship. These are to be prepared in case she does this again. So here goes:

1 – We attend counselling and each person makes a list of the grievances/things bothering them about the relationship. This is not character assassination. If there is common ground to move forward, go for the number of sessions needed until the relationship could become healthy. Define what we want out of the relationship and build from there.

2 – The relationship cannot be broken by money. I have money, she doesn’t. I want to share, but do not want to be made a fool of. We need to agree on a way of managing money without causing resentment.

3 – Violence is an absolute non-starter. This time around, she hit me, hit her daughter, isolated both of us at different times, also isolated herself. The isolation is a form of violence and added to the physical violence we have seen, this simply has to stop.

4 – Her daughter cannot be dragged into a row as a referee. Three times when we were discussing things, my ex went and sought her daughter to come into the room with us and sit in the middle. That is completely inappropriate for a 16 year old girl.

5 – I like my family of origin. I also like her family of origin. I don’t expect her to like them but they need to be shown respect. Part of that is that they can see our son when it suits us. Them seeing him should not be causing issues (it was – at least 50% of the time I would take him to see my FOO, as I left there was a massive blow up).

I’m mature enough to know not everything was her fault & I am responsible for a lot of things too. I’m not holding my breath for anything to happen, just being prepared.

Seenr

Would you mind sharing what the 5 boundaries are that you marked out as non-negotiable?