help for grandson

[mawmaw]

Hi
I have a 28 year old daughter with bipolar disorder and BPD diagnosed 11 years ago.  She has an 8 year   old boy who has been diagnosed with ADHD.  He has recently been mirroring his mother's behaviour.  I would appreciate any advice/suggestions about how to talk to him about this.

She has been living independently and for the most part does ok,  She is on meds but tends to not get along with therapists

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi mawmaw,

I'm sorry I just saw your post right now.

I am living with a bipolar/BPD woman (my partner's daughter), and it is very challenging, though she tends to be someone who "acts in" and internalizes instead of the external rages that I'm more familiar with.

People with BPD tend to have very high needs for validation, which tends to create an upside down relationship between BPD mother and child, where your daughter seeks validation from her son instead of the other way around. This could mean that he is feeling very invalidated by her.

My son's father was also bipolar/BPD and my son seems to have a sensitive genotype that made him susceptible to the emotional arousal and ADHD behaviors, among others. Until I learned to validate my son, he was on his way to mirroring his father's poor coping skills too, and like your grandson, those behaviors began to manifest at 8 years old too.

The best advice I received here and from reading books is to validate validate validate.

Here is a link on how to validate with questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

He needs to feel that his feelings are ok, and that he is ok. In a BPD relationship, he may have some serious problems with attachment and as a loved one, you can play an important role in letting him release some steam.

[lbjnltx]

Hi mawmaw,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.  I'm sorry to learn that your d28 and your gson8 are struggling so.  Do you get to spend much time with your gson8?  Does he talk to you much about how he feels or what bothers him?

If he does the skill validation that livednlearned mentioned can really be helpful for him.  Having someone who really listens and understands means a lot to a child... .and any of us human beans. 

We are here to listen and understand you mawmaw.  We get it and have traveled the same weary worn path as you.  Hang in there with us and we will make it down the road together.

lbj

[anyminutenow]

Hi mawmaw

I can understand your fears - my daughter with BPD is 30 and my grandson is 10 so she was the same age as your D28 when she had him.  We try to be there for him as much as possible although of course he has seen all sorts of things that aren't appropriate for him at his young age.  I've found that, in the last couple of years, with gentle conversations and support, he's matured very fast in many ways.  It worries me that they're more like brother and sister but they have a fantastic bond and are absolutely devoted to each other.  He's learned to be kind to mummy when she's not feeling good and will take himself off to play in his room but keep going to remind her he loves her and asking if she wants something.  It's actually really sweet.  I hope things improve for you and that knowing there are people out there with the same issues helps, as it has done for me.  I'm also going to look through all the amazing resources on this site for pointers.

Take care

J