Silent treatment 1month so far

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have known a man for almost a year, been seeing him for 6 months.  The majority of our communication was via text, except for when it was in person a few times a week when we have to see each other in a professional situation, or when we got together just us 2. A bit about this man: he is in his 30s, and divorced. He lives at home with his parents, He doesn't have any friends that he spends time with, he plays video games and watches tv/movies often. A friend of mine that went to school with him, said he was a "geek" and was bullied. He is an introvert and quiet. The beginning of our relationship was based on sex for the most part. I always found that he wasn't "all there" during sex, he would close his eyes and drift away. In the beginning, he was extremely attentive, he would text goodnight/good morning daily and in between. He was constantly saying he missed me from very early on and wanted to always spend time with me. I almost found him clingy. He had told me he has had FWB in the past (which I think has been the only time he has been honest with me) after a while, I started wondering what this "relationship" was for him. If it was just sex or if he genuinely felt something more. The first time I asked this, my first initial silent treatment from him followed, but not before he said he wanted to see where things go. I let it be, but found the silent treatment quite odd. Throughout the next few months, I would receive silent treatment every second week that usually lasted a week. We would see each other the few times a week we had to, sometimes there would be no communication and he would act like he didn't know me, other times we'd spend half an hour chatting in the parking lot. When we got together, it usually consisted of watching a few movies together and the end of the night we'd have sex before I went home. It was very routine and it started to leave me feeling empty and used when I left. At this time, a few months had passed again and I had asked the same question about where we stand and again I got no real answers, in fact I texted out of frustration from it and the quietness I'd receive and he would lash out at me about bothering him, and then I would stop, and another week of silent treatment would start. I eventually started googling his behaviour, and came across covert narcissism, quiet borderline Among many other things. I researched passive aggressive behaviour and avoidant disorder and all things. Over time I noticed that I was changing as a person. The silent treatment would eat away at me, I would send long emails regarding how I felt and how I didn't understand and he would never respond to them. I was stressed out, feeling major anxiety 24/7 and started to feel depressed. I shut people out and I knew my focus at home with my own kids wasn't what it use to be. I have spent so much time analyzing things and decided to ask one last time for myself about our situation. He didn't respond for hours, and it wasn't before I had to prompt him for an Answer in which he said "I can't answer that right now". This was on the same day we last were intimate. Over 3 weeks since he last text me. I have reached out a few times and received dead air, except for one time he responded and said goodnight. Those few times a week when I had to see him, he will approach me and talk to me like a normal person. I feel like I'm dealing with 2 different people. He has also been on a dating site since we met, claims he hasn't met any one off of it. I believe he probably hasn't but likes the attention (if he even receives any) recently he made up a new dating profile which I knew was him! He wrote that he has had bad history of being involved with girls only after him for his looks. I knew this was targeted at me, even though he knows I never wanted him just for superficial reasons. And he knows I use to check around on the site to see if he would log on.  He even said his name was the same as my ex husbands. I am baffled that he can't answer a simple question regarding what he wants out of this "relationship".  I feel like I've done so much research that sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. Everything I read about narcissism and borderline is him to a T! Minus overt rage, put downs etc. I start to second guess if he really is PD or if it's all in my head because I've been reading so much. I really go back and forth on it all. My instincts have never been wrong in any of this and I know I have shut them out and followed my heart instead in most of this, knowing that more pain will come, that nothing will change.

In February, I ended up pregnant with his child. I ended up also losing that pregnancy and it was during a time of ST so it hurt even more to deal with the loss alone. When I eventually told him about the pregnancy and the loss he was complete stone about it. No emotions, no empathy. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it because it was really hurting me and he said NO! It was rather odd behavior I thought. 

Its been 1 month of silent treatment via text, So I guess for now I have been "discarded"

My questions I guess are, does this all sound like I'm assuming? He's got a PD? I know no one can "diagnose" him here. (I know I will never receive the answers I want regarding all of this either) Everyone has the right to know where a relationship stands. Having a conversation about what 2 people want or are looking for in a mate, is mature and normal. None of this is normal. This has definitely been the longest of the silent treatment I have received, although I am also thinking he hasn't disappeared forever. I find it hard to get over because I do have to see him professionally outside of all this.

Any advice or insight into this behavior would be appreciated

[Puzzledpieces]

I have known a man for almost a year, been seeing him for 6 months.  The majority of our communication was via text, except for when it was in person a few times a week when we have to see each other in a professional situation, or when we got together just us 2. A bit about this man: he is in his 30s, and divorced. He lives at home with his parents, He doesn't have any friends that he spends time with, he plays video games and watches tv/movies often. A friend of mine that went to school with him, said he was a "geek" and was bullied. He is an introvert and quiet. The beginning of our relationship was based on sex for the most part. I always found that he wasn't "all there" during sex, he would close his eyes and drift away. In the beginning, he was extremely attentive, he would text goodnight/good morning daily and in between. He was constantly saying he missed me from very early on and wanted to always spend time with me. I almost found him clingy. He had told me he has had FWB in the past (which I think has been the only time he has been honest with me) after a while, I started wondering what this "relationship" was for him. If it was just sex or if he genuinely felt something more. The first time I asked this, my first initial silent treatment from him followed, but not before he said he wanted to see where things go. I let it be, but found the silent treatment quite odd. Throughout the next few months, I would receive silent treatment every second week that usually lasted a week. We would see each other the few times a week we had to, sometimes there would be no communication and he would act like he didn't know me, other times we'd spend half an hour chatting in the parking lot. When we got together, it usually consisted of watching a few movies together and the end of the night we'd have sex before I went home. It was very routine and it started to leave me feeling empty and used when I left. At this time, a few months had passed again and I had asked the same question about where we stand and again I got no real answers, in fact I texted out of frustration from it and the quietness I'd receive and he would lash out at me about bothering him, and then I would stop, and another week of silent treatment would start. I eventually started googling his behaviour, and came across covert narcissism, quiet borderline Among many other things. I researched passive aggressive behaviour and avoidant disorder and all things. Over time I noticed that I was changing as a person. The silent treatment would eat away at me, I would send long emails regarding how I felt and how I didn't understand and he would never respond to them. I was stressed out, feeling major anxiety 24/7 and started to feel depressed. I shut people out and I knew my focus at home with my own kids wasn't what it use to be. I have spent so much time analyzing things and decided to ask one last time for myself about our situation. He didn't respond for hours, and it wasn't before I had to prompt him for an Answer in which he said "I can't answer that right now". This was on the same day we last were intimate. Over 3 weeks since he last text me. I have reached out a few times and received dead air, except for one time he responded and said goodnight. Those few times a week when I had to see him, he will approach me and talk to me like a normal person. I feel like I'm dealing with 2 different people. He has also been on a dating site since we met, claims he hasn't met any one off of it. I believe he probably hasn't but likes the attention (if he even receives any) recently he made up a new dating profile which I knew was him! He wrote that he has had bad history of being involved with girls only after him for his looks. I knew this was targeted at me, even though he knows I never wanted him just for superficial reasons. And he knows I use to check around on the site to see if he would log on.  He even said his name was the same as my ex husbands. I am baffled that he can't answer a simple question regarding what he wants out of this "relationship".  I feel like I've done so much research that sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. Everything I read about narcissism and borderline is him to a T! Minus overt rage, put downs etc. I start to second guess if he really is PD or if it's all in my head because I've been reading so much. I really go back and forth on it all. My instincts have never been wrong in any of this and I know I have shut them out and followed my heart instead in most of this, knowing that more pain will come, that nothing will change.

In February, I ended up pregnant with his child. I ended up also losing that pregnancy and it was during a time of ST so it hurt even more to deal with the loss alone. When I eventually told him about the pregnancy and the loss he was complete stone about it. No emotions, no empathy. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it because it was really hurting me and he said NO! It was rather odd behavior I thought. 

Its been 1 month of silent treatment via text, So I guess for now I have been "discarded"

My questions I guess are, does this all sound like I'm assuming? He's got a PD? I know no one can "diagnose" him here. (I know I will never receive the answers I want regarding all of this either) Everyone has the right to know where a relationship stands. Having a conversation about what 2 people want or are looking for in a mate, is mature and normal. None of this is normal. This has definitely been the longest of the silent treatment I have received, although I am also thinking he hasn't disappeared forever. I find it hard to get over because I do have to see him professionally outside of all this.

Any advice or insight into this behavior would be appreciated

[strongerthanU]

Puzzledpieces,

welcome to the boards! this is a great place to get needed support and to educate yourself. I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing this treatment.

I have suffered the ST for thirty years with my recently separated H and I can tell you the last ST lasted nearly 5 weeks. You are correct in that no one here can offer you a diagnosis but I can see that you are an intelligent, caring person to have done the research  that you have to try to understand just what the heck is going on.

I can say that you may never know! But ask yourself a much more important ? is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life?

It won't go away, it is a strongly established or developed means that your friend employs when he can't cope which seems to be often enough that it is distressing to you. Give as much care and concern to exploring yourself and see why you find this person interesting, is it just the benefits of a sexual partner, is he funny, engaging, caring, compassionate... .you fill in the blank?

you may only be discarded until he needs you. and as strange as it sounds it is not uncommon for business and work related exchanges to go off as if nothing was off base, those aren't emotionally charged feeling transactions they are business.

hugs to you, take extra good care of you and spend less precious time focusing on what he thinks and feels, get in touch with what you are feeling.

[Puzzledpieces]

Thank you for reading all that:)

You're right about thinking more about myself, and I have been. I do really care about him as a person in general so I think that's where I struggle. And I find it strange that he can't even say what he wants? It's simple enough in my mind to answer a question regarding if this is just a sexual relationship or if he has feelings for more. I can tell he has communication problems, that was obvious from the beginning.

However the "professional" I was referring to when I had to see him, isn't work. I just tried to keep it as detailed as possible without too much info. It's just something we both do a few times a week that doesn't really require us to interact at all, so I am confused why he bothers.

I definitely deserve to have a loving and healthy relationship, and I think im finally seeing some light in this situation because of the ST. I have felt like I've been on an emotional roller coaster for months and even considered therapy because I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way. He is passive aggressive to the extreme. The push/pull method has caused major anxiety in me, enough that close family and friends have noticed a change.  I have backed off completely to focus on myself, but I still find myself researching and thinking of the situation, trying to make sense of it all even though I never will.

[C.Stein]

 

The push/pull method has caused major anxiety in me, enough that close family and friends have noticed a change.  I have backed off completely to focus on myself, but I still find myself researching and thinking of the situation, trying to make sense of it all even though I never will.

My relationship also caused major anxiety within me, to the point where I started manifesting physical symptoms.  I think it is important to try and make sense of it all, even if you may never logically understand it.  It will however help you to accept and heal and to learn about yourself and your role in the dysfunctional relationship.  Looking at yourself and learning from this is the silver lining of a very dark cloud.  It may be hard for you to see that right now but eventually you will and positive internal growth will help you find that healthy relationship you want.  

[Puzzledpieces]

Thanks for the advice

I guess my question now is how do I respond in the situations where we do see each other in person? A part of me doesn't want to act all normal and friendly and come off as a push over who is just fine being treated this way, but I also don't wanna act like it's really bothering me. I have given up trying to talk about it with him, and I have sent enough texts up to 3 weeks ago that express my care and that I miss my friend, all unanswered which makes me feel stupid  At the end of the day, I want to be respected. And I often wonder if this person cares about me at all. I feel like I was written off and I no longer exist in his world and that's a hard pill to swallow :/

[C.Stein]

Thanks for the advice

I guess my question now is how do I respond in the situations where we do see each other in person? A part of me doesn't want to act all normal and friendly and come off as a push over who is just fine being treated this way, but I also don't wanna act like it's really bothering me. I have given up trying to talk about it with him, and I have sent enough texts up to 3 weeks ago that express my care and that I miss my friend, all unanswered which makes me feel stupid  At the end of the day, I want to be respected. And I often wonder if this person cares about me at all. I feel like I was written off and I no longer exist in his world and that's a hard pill to swallow :/

I think you should respond in a fashion that allows you to be true and authentic to yourself without putting yourself at further risk of emotional pain.   

I totally get how you are feeling.  Every single correspondence I have sent to my ex after the "goodbye" has been ignored, with exception to one email in response to a benign text I had sent to inform me I had been replaced and to leave her alone.  I was written off, thrown away like a piece of trash.  She has not even once acknowledged we even had a relationship or that she ever had any feelings for me, let alone apologize.  Apparently I am not even worthy of an apology even though I have apologized on many occasions for the things I did wrong (withdrawal, distancing, etc... due to emotional pain). 

Given how deeply I love(d) this woman it has been the most bitter pill I have ever had to swallow ... .and I think it is still stuck in my throat. 

You are completely right ... .at the end of the day it all comes down to respect and without it nothing else really matters.

[insideoutside]

Hi puzzledpieces

I'm at 6 weeks ST/discard with my male friend.  He has used the ST on me numerous times in 10 months; mainly around me getting frustrated with his push/pull behaviour and in turn him applying the ST.  This is by far the longest and this is as a result of his push/pull behaviour again and me saying I was in love with him.  Stone cold silence. I tried to reach out several times by email but all gone unanswered.  10 days ago I noticed he had reactivated his Facebook after a six month absence declaring social media annoying.  He hasn't blocked me on it so not sure if this is a ploy to get me to reach out to him.  Who knows; all this analysing his actions makes my head spin at times.

I totally understand how you feel; even though my relationship with my friend isn't sexual (although he tried to manipulate me into phone sex several times) the push/pull made me anxious and I was finding it hard to concentrate on my work and home life.  It really affected me, mentally and physically and would have to psych myself up before contacting him (as he kept changing the rules on what method I could contact him on).  Even though since the ST I have felt the most calm in ages, what I wouldn't give to see a message ping up from him still.

No advice just lots of nodding head and knowing where you are coming from.

[Puzzledpieces]

C Stien - I'm sorry you're dealing with all this as well. It definitely makes it harder to digest when there is no closure and your left to feel like you don't matter at all. I have a hard time understanding how someone can't care, being an extremely caring person myself. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks of me and misses that I was contacting him ( because that feeds the ego) or if I was just another girl that he's written off.

I think the support here is amazing, because often when I find myself speaking of my situation with a close friend I am not really understood. And perhaps it comes off as annoying to hear about after a while. And it's easy for them to just say move on, even though that's the correct thing to do its not always easily done.

I suppose a positive in all of this, is that we can get the chance to look deeper into ourselves and do some soul searching. And for me, I am almost thankful for the ST because without it i think I would still be aboard the roller coaster feeling worse than I do now.  I've been keeping a journal, to express myself privately and to make myself feel better. Hopefully one day I will be able to look back on it and not recognize the emotionally destroyed person that wrote it all.

Did you find in your situation that you had a hard time having real conversations? I wonder if that's a BPD thing or just one of his problems on the side. Since he has been married before I'm always assuming that at one point he wasn't this way but that may not be the case.

Izzy- thanks for your reply! That sounds extremely similar to my situation as well. ST for me also was when I tried to express my feelings or get any answers. I almost think that they play around on social media that way (opening and closing profiles) etc to maybe see if you notice? I know for sure that mine made a new dating profile because he knew I'd see it ... .He made sure to say that he's had enough of women that don't share any interests with him and are only after his looks, which is BS. In my case I know he just wanted a reaction. Possibly the passive aggressive trait?  I hear ya on the over analyzing of it all, it's like an addiction trying to figure it out, I feel crazy doing so and sometimes I give up cuz it feels like such a time waster.

Hugs to you!

[insideoutside]

I started thinking I had BPD too as he got me so crazy.  I will admit I lost my rag with him when he did the last push/pull and called him selfish and that he was playing with people's emotions etc and illness aside it was not cool. He didn't reply then I stupidly confessed my feelings for him; he replied saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way about me; please don't contact me again'. So of course I was full of apologies which he ignored at first then the next day he sent an email saying 'I accept your apology but leave it alone now' and there has been radio silence since.

My friend is an old boyfriend I got reacquainted with and he was always a bit 'off the wall' back then but that was part of his charm; but nothing prepared me for this.  It's both frustrating and sad.  To me he has a beautiful soul which I've said to him and told him he was special to me and I valued his friendship but that obviously wasn't enough for him to want to maintain it.

We will get through it by being strong! X

[Puzzledpieces]

It is so difficult to not lash out eventually hey? There has been plenty of times I've gone off on mine (a few months earlier) because of frustration. It was when this all started happening and I couldn't figure out what was happening. After that, he'd poke fun at me about "crazy" and I just let it slide cuz I started to think I actually was! But all I really wanted was communication and understanding of it all. Ill bet that's done on purpose, they want you to feel "crazy" and that something is wrong with you. I definitely understand why you'd lose it on him! It's not fair to feel all this and then have to make sense of it all at the same time,when it never will!

I view mine the exact same way, I feel like I could really understand him if only he'd let me in. He's a beautiful soul too and I know he's got no friends that he sees etc and I wish he wouldn't just throw me away. I've told him I value our friendship greatly. Apparently that meant nothing.

I'm pretty nervous of the unknown for when I see him this week. I never know what to expect and how to act until I'm living in that moment. Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time getting over it all if I didn't HAVE to see him a few times a week.

You're right, we will get through it:)

[insideoutside]

Our situations sound so similar don't they!

The last time before this latest ST there was a month ST; I had a lot going on at work so let him be but eventually reached out and he seemed so happy to hear from me and that resulted in him contacting me both by phone and text for a month or so, everything was going so well.  We had a 2 hour phone call and I could tell he had feelings for me during that call but wouldn't come out and say it.  We left it that we would catch up again the following week but things changed, he got cooler and I sensed he was going off again so I gave him a free pass not to speak and told him not to worry about calling etc.  That triggered 4 calls in a row and when I eventually managed to phone him back he changed the goal posts on communicating with him again; out of the blue like it always is.  NOTHING between our 2 hour call and the following week had changed but something had triggered him. 

Gah!  Wish I could turn my brain off at times.  Hope you get some peace of mind from this soon x

[WoundedBibi]

Puzzledpieces, your story is very similar to mine. Apart from my ex telling me he loved me within 2 days ( ) and him chasing me like crazy as I didn't succumb to him straightaway. After weeks of more love bombing and saying he loved me and wanted to have children with me I finally gave in. And then the devaluation started and he behaved just like your ex.

I have read a lot too. BPD, covert NPD, OCPD, avoidant disorder, it's a bit of all that.

Sometimes (I've been out over a year now) I still doubt if I was right. Then I remember the behaviour, and that he told me others in his life had accused him of being paranoid or schizophrenic. And then I know I am right.

It is still difficult at times tough and the last few days I feel this enormous urge to contact him. I won't though; I will probably get seriously hurt if I do.

[Puzzledpieces]

Izzy - I can see exactly why your frustrated! That is all extremely confusing to figure out I'm sure! I wanted to be the laid back one as well and just let it go with the flow, or his flow . But I think I've put myself out there enough now with no responses back that I just can't do it anymore. I always found I was the initiator for everything! Even the times I would have to see him during the week, he'd "linger" to see if is speak to him but if I left it up to him then those were the days we wouldn't speak. Like he enjoyed being pursued but would never say so. I wonder if we're speaking of the same man or if they're related! Haha kidding! It's interesting though to see how similar they are! For the longest time I thought he was just a guy that wasn't over his marriage - I have never dated anyone divorced so I wasn't sure what to expect. But it's clear that he is has much more going on than just not being ready. I know that his past few "relationships" have strictly been FWB, I am sure those other women attempted to figure him out as well and wanted more. Seems like such a simple thing to just SAY what you want, or what you feel; it's incredibly frustrating.

Do you ever run into your guy or does he just come back around in his own time in the past?


Wounded - thanks for your reply. It's comforting finding others in a similar situation, yet it's heart breaking to hear that you have to deal with it all as well. Good for you for keeping NC this long, it's incredibly hard.  I too have researched all those things and found a bit of everything to be on par. Which makes it that much harder to decide on one thing.

I ended up pregnant by him a few months back and I was weirded out that he was so on board for a baby and was excited for it, yet he didn't wanna be with me. Most men would be super freaked out to learn of a pregnancy with someone they don't truly care about.  That was a major red flag for me. Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you can find peace with it all eventually too x

[insideoutside]

Hi PP

I no longer live in my hometown; I'm a 2 hour drive away now so don't actually see him; although we did meet up last August and I knew something was off right off the bat. We planned to meet up 3 times since but as usual something cropped up or he starts with the push/pull.  

I'm so tempted to contact him on Facebook so he knows that I know he's on there but not sure what it would achieve really.

Feel free to PM me anytime; I literally have no one other than this board to talk to about my feelings as my friends say 'block him, forget him' etc when in reality it's not that easy and I'm afraid I'll bore them to death  

[C.Stein]

Did you find in your situation that you had a hard time having real conversations? I wonder if that's a BPD thing or just one of his problems on the side.

Absolutely, especially when it was about something she did that hurt me.  When it came to my emotions our conversations were very one sided and her response was typically childishly manipulative to take attention away from what she did and the pain it caused me.  She is not capable of having an adult conversation about emotions because her emotional development is stunted, somewhere in her early teens I suspect.  This is a hallmark of BPD!  Her behavior and reactions to some things throughout our relationship were jaw dropping childish and I remember asking her about it on several occasions.  

There were moments though where she appeared to have clarity and self-awareness and this is what gave me hope.  Problem was persistence and constancy.  Even though she can see her "dark side" in some rare moments (and despises it) she cannot seem to keep it under control or even have the ability to see it being expressed.   It is truly heartbreaking to see someone who you love deeply blindly destroy everything good in their life.  Unfortunately the realization on their part is too late and that is when the blame game starts.