Things are so bad

[Melbourne11]

This is my first post. I found the site yesterday. Things between my daughter and me are terrible. Our relationship has been turbulent for the past 16 years. We seem to go from crisis to crisis an I want it to stop. Over the years she has told me I am a bad mother. That it is my fault she acts the way that she does. She seems to get better ad becomes thee daughter I love. Then with o reason ( although worse when she drinks ) she turns into someone who hates me.

At thee weekend she became violent. she threaten me and called the mental health services and police. She told me that I would loose my job and she would make sure of it. The police attended. She made up some lies about me trying to drink drive and that is why she hurt me. The police issued an Family Violence notice against her to protect me. I told them I didnt want the order but they said I needed protecting.

I know this has to stop and that things will just get bad again. I know I have to walk away. But she is my daughter, I just want a normal loving relationship.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Giggy]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Know that you are not alone.  I too am not enjoying the roller coaster ride, but we persevere.  We love our children and do the best we can.

[Hebrews12]

I am new here too. I have a uBPDsd and it's been a roller coaster for 30 years.  I am sorry you are going through this.  I hope you allow yourself the time to grieve your loss.  When I realized I would never have a "normal" mother/daughter relationship with my step-daughter I had to grieve over that loss.  It was like a death.  It is the death of a dream and it is a very real sorrow.  I hope you keep coming back here.  I've only been here a few days, but I do feel better knowing that I have a safe place to come and share and see that what I am going through is someone else's "normal" too. 

blessings.

[Huat]

Yes, always nice to realize others are in the same boat.  My husband and I are in our early-mid-70's and have lived this disruptive life with our daughter for almost 40 years.  We are aging... .we are getting tired... .and yet the saga continues.  We were there through her relationship break-ups, surprise pregnancies, custody battles.  We were surrogate parents to her children who are now 24 and 26 and who, sadly, feel the need to "side"... .but not with us... .their Gramma and Grampa. 

As we would be basking in our daughter's love one minute, the rug would be pulled out the next... .leaving us to ask, "What happened?"   We certainly have not been singled out as recipients of her wrath... .have watched over the years as she has set out to destroy other people.  The vindictiveness she would exhibit sometimes took our breath away.  With that said... .we are not "other people"... .we are her Mom and Dad.

I so agree with Hebrews12 when she wrote the word "grieve."  I grieve, too, because it is the death of a dream... .a dream where I am loved by my child... .thanked for all I have done... .and now into the stage of my life where I reap the rewards.  Although still healthy and able at this point, now my husband and I have to think of our future as we will turn more and more frail.  We are now into the longest period of being estranged from our daughter... .almost 4 years.  She has worked hard to make sure we are as isolated as possible... .left out of any celebrations.  If/when any reconcilliation comes about, it would have to be a guarded one.  Hearing the word "love" would not bring a feeling of warmth but of wariness.  Yes, we have been conditioned to be jaded.

So, Melbourne11, the road is going to be as rocky as you make it.  You have to do what you can with the knowledge you have at the time.  Keep learning!  All the while, you have to work on accepting the situation... .take deep breaths and go with the flow.  Gradually I have experienced more "good days" rather than "bad days" but a mother never forgets her child... .and every now and then a tear on my cheek will surprise me.  I am Mom!