Feeling confused

[Roundtree]

I'm recently separated. It wasn't my initiative. After all the threats of divorce over the years suddenly this one was the real deal. As usual it caught me by surprise. It always did. I came to believe that I must be blind, never being able to see it coming.

I've been struggling because of the mixed messages: She loves me and she wants a divorce. She can't share her life with me and she doesn't want to loose me. It's been a few months since I moved out, and we still keep in touch. I suppose that's part of the problem. I can't close the door and walk away because then I'd never see my stepchild again.

I don't know what to do. Feeling confused, empty and anxious. I can't move on until I let go of the stupid hope that this is just a particularly rough patch and we'll be all right. We were never alright. But it scares me that I seriously consider going back - if only she'd ask. Which she won't. I'd go back to the unpredictable moodswings, the explosive anger, the constant crisis. All the madness. It scares me. I know better, yet I don't.

A few wise words would be really helpful... .

[Mutt]

Hi Roundtree,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can see how emotionally distressing that feels when we're stuck in a perpetual make-up break-up cycle in our relationships, it's exhausting. I can relate with that, my exBPDw and I were together for several years and married for 4 and shortly after we moved in together we would separate and as the years went on it was like clock work when she would become emotionally dysregulated and we would end up in an argument and she wanted us to separate. It was frustrating and confusing because I kept going back and kept trying, nothing was working because I was applying what should work for a non-disordered person.


I felt anxious, scared because I didn't want to start over, it felt familiar but I also felt like I was going to go crazy. You've only been separated for a little while. The choice is yours, it's not an easy decision to make, nobody can tell you what to do, we can help you with guidance and support because we've walked a mile in your shoes. If you're ready to make the jump we'll be here for you. You're not alone.

[Roundtree]

Thank you Mutt for wise words.

I don't miss the blaming, the fighting over things I never understood. I don't shy away from taking responsibility when I've done something wrong, but I will not again claim responsibility for something I don't understand. Much of the time it felt like living in a minefield. I never managed to figure out what would tick her off. So I started walking on eggshells. That didn't work either.

I love her and I miss her terribly. But my greatest sorrow is that I only miss the more "normal" part of her. I don't miss the minefield. I can't live in a minefield.

So I think I may have figured it out. I am grateful for the absence of the minefield. That will be the start of my journey. Not going back there. Knowing that the love of my life includes a minefield... .

[drained1996]

Roundtree,

It seems like you have expressed in your last post that you know the route you must take.  It will be a tough journey but remain strong.  Come here often for support if you must... .here you get to see all the mines everyone else dealt with, but do not have to endure the explosions!  Keep in mind she is not an individual capable of having a healthy relationship.  I've had to repeat that to myself many times and ask myself "Why would I want to continue a relationship with a mentally unhealthy person?"  I also suggest some individual therapy.  Keep your head up and know your life will be better for the choice you make to STAY AWAY! 

[Mutt]

Hi Roundtree,

I understand. I recall when something changed in our relationship and my exBPDw stopped giving me attention, a couple of months after she moved in. I still recall that day because I noticed that, but I didn't understand until several years later and after I read our article How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves I had heard of borderline personality disorder in pop media and I didn't know what that was or what mental illness looked like. I was hoping that the person that I had met in our honeymoon phase would come back, I kept thinking "Where did she go, she's been replaced with this miserable person, when is she going to come back?" I hung unto to that notion until the very end. I had to let go of the woman that idealized me or hoping that she would return to a state of permanent idealization.