Need any advice I can get

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I split with my BPD girl about three months ago. She left the door slightly open and I did everything in my power to get her back; even though her "friends" called me often to tell me she she was building resentment and repeating characteristics of other relationships she'd been before (it seems these were warnings). I was wounded but OK in the original break up, and about 2 weeks ago she "gave me another chance" we passionately and lovingly spent a few beautiful days together. I felt on top of the world but after 4 days of love making i was getting "just enough" to keep me on the hook. Even her birthday card to me, upon reflection now, is covered with clues she was on the way out and even, "I Love You" seemed to be signed above the margin and after the original signature. She focused on the one spat we had in the new attempt at our relationship. I took accountability and apologized for being emotionally drained that evening. 2-3 fair/ok/nervous days after that she took about 1.5 days off from me. when she finally texted me back she said the relationship was forever over. Within 2 days the final remains of my things were thrown on my mothers lawn (i guess she didn't want to come to my house), and she texted me that "we are fundamentally incompatible" and "how can i say i believe in us when i am not kind to her?" she also included "you deserve better" (which may have been a glimpse of self reflection).

Thank god, her friends reached out to me and informed me that the same day she texted me and ended it forever, she was excitedly talking about her new prince charming guy (a new guy not me). The same day. I'm glad i know because i will definitely not be reaching out to her. But I am hurt here for many many reasons and I'm having a very hard time coping with this. Please help if there is any to give. Thank you, L

[labowski]

I split with my BPD girl about three months ago. She left the door slightly open and I did everything in my power to get her back; even though her "friends" called me often to tell me she she was building resentment and repeating characteristics of other relationships she'd been before (it seems these were warnings). I was wounded but OK in the original break up, and about 2 weeks ago she "gave me another chance" we passionately and lovingly spent a few beautiful days together. I felt on top of the world but after 4 days of love making i was getting "just enough" to keep me on the hook. Even her birthday card to me, upon reflection now, is covered with clues she was on the way out and even, "I Love You" seemed to be signed above the margin and after the original signature. She focused on the one spat we had in the new attempt at our relationship. I took accountability and apologized for being emotionally drained that evening. 2-3 fair/ok/nervous days after that she took about 1.5 days off from me. when she finally texted me back she said the relationship was forever over. Within 2 days the final remains of my things were thrown on my mothers lawn (i guess she didn't want to come to my house), and she texted me that "we are fundamentally incompatible" and "how can i say i believe in us when i am not kind to her?" she also included "you deserve better" (which may have been a glimpse of self reflection).

Thank god, her friends reached out to me and informed me that the same day she texted me and ended it forever, she was excitedly talking about her new prince charming guy (a new guy not me). The same day. I'm glad i know because i will definitely not be reaching out to her. But I am hurt here for many many reasons and I'm having a very hard time coping with this. Please help if there is any to give. Thank you, L

[Mutt]

Hi labowski,



I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. A break-up with a pwBPD is confusing, distressing and painful I can see that your ex seems to be inflexible, a pwBPD have  long term rigid thinking patterns or all of nothing thinking. The black and white thinking from a pwBPD can leave a swath of destruction. A pwBPD may also leave a relationship without warning and quickly attach to another person.

It helps to talk to people that can relate with you, our members here can offer you guidance and support. You've been broken up for 3 months, it also helps to talk to a T ( therapist ) concurrently with a support group. How have family and friends treated you after the split? Have they been supportive? You don't want to reach out which is fair, has she reached out to you? It helps to talk. Hang in there.


Mutt

[labowski]

Thanks Mutt, I spoke with a T-pist during our initial time apart i was hurt, confused, and blaming myself. I had seen him infrequently (maybe 3 or 4 times) for a couple of years. This last time he brilliantly prophesied the question, "what if she showed up tonight and said let's **** !, would you do it, would you want to?"

within three more weeks that pretty much happened and i fell for it. and then of course as i said before she found any reason to leave once she had someone else lined up.  I suppose therapist was more in tune with her BPD BPDN head than i was. my friends and family have been amazing but this is such a specific grieving process that nothing has made me feel better than finding this and similar communities. I feel like a 20 pound weight has been lifted off my chest. I thank you and this community for all of your efforts and experiences. Today was a big turning point. I am feeling better already.

[Lucky Jim]

I feel like a 20 pound weight has been lifted off my chest. I thank you and this community for all of your efforts and experiences. Today was a big turning point. I am feeling better already.

Hey labowski, Good for you!  You did the work.  It's quite common for a pwBPD to "test the waters" by throwing a few crumbs your way to see if you are still hooked.  Just the way it is.  Their fear of abandonment, in my view, causes them to keep Exes on the line, just in case.  Sounds like you are moving past it, which is great news.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

I'm happy to hear that you spoke to a T, it helps a lot and you're right, it's a specific grieving process. II recall turning to my family and friends for support and the advice that was given was applicable when two partners are non-disordered. I didn't know about BPD, looking back, I could have googled "my wife blames me all of the time". A part of me didn't want to know the truth. I really thought that I was losing my mind and these boards were a life saver. Get it out on these boards, this is a safe place to share your feelings and experiences without judgement. Welcome to the family.

[Leonis]

Mate, you are at the right place. Especially when the brief synopsis of your situation matches similar to many of ours.

I don't know if recycling only counts when you are officially in a relationship, but I totally had my ex getting it on with me every time we met face-to-face to resolve something since the supposed "breakup".