We got an email after no contact for an extended time

[Tornaddo]

Hi

This is my first post. We have been snubbed for a long time and treated poorly and banned from seeing our grandchildren. Now out of the blue we got an email that sounds on its face innocuous enough. But having been abused for so long it is hard to tell if it's a reaching out or a disguised manipulation. How can I tell?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Tornaddo and welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad that you joined us.

It is very very common for our kids to go NC (No Contact) with parents and then circle back around... .it may be prompted by some need that they have and want you to meet, or it may just be that she no longer has split you black.

It seems that you have been dealing with this kind of behavior for a while.  Have you studied much about BPD and have an understanding of the disorder? 

Learning the most affective communication skills can help keep the communication flowing and that allows for relationship building.  We have tools and lessons in the right side bar to help you.  Whether it is a manipulation or not?... .if you don't allow yourself to be manipulated then it won't matter.

lbjnltx

[Huat]

Hello and welcome Tornaddo!

Your post hit a cord with me.  Our (undiagnosed but highly probable) BPD, 50-year old daughter has played (and is playing!) the same games with us since she was 13.  In the early years she would run away, disappear (first time she was 12!).  When she got older, her running-away turned into snubbing/shunning (still a running-away)  Her ultimate weapon against us has been her ability to alienate our grandchildren from us.  Our estrangement with her and our granddaughters is now going into its 4th year... .the longest ever and no change in site... .yet. 

At the beginning of this episode (and there have been so many!) we tried everything to start up communication but to no avail.  To top it off, she has turned away from me a number of times when she has seen me on the street.  Finally we stopped because it was starting to feel like we were begging with her.

She has always been big on letter writing (then came e-mailing) even though we have lived blocks from each other.  After a few years I started to keep the communications (mainly to validate what was happening).  In between the caustic letters there are loving cards that were full of apologies... .promises that nothing like that would happen again.  Then it would... .a sudden flare-up because of... .?

A change on our daughter's part might come again... .but we are now in our mid-70's and any reconciliation would be a guarded one... .one where boundaries are set.   We, too, would question if her reaching out was disguised manipulation but as lbjnltx stated... ."whether it is a manipulation or not... .if you don't allow yourself to be manipulated then it won't matter."

So, maybe best to gracefully accept this offering of reconciliation from your daughter... .but... .do your homework in regards to setting boundaries, diffusing any future emotional outbursts.  This site is loaded with information for you.  You cannot change her... .but you can change you... .and that just might change her.

From one Mom to another, I wish you well!