Hello everyone!
I've been working really hard on healing- walking, reading, spending time doing things other than ruminating. I still cry and question if I did the right thing by leaving. i know it's the FOG obscuring my vision. I cannot see this man, or our r/s clearly. Will I ever. The million dollar question.
With that said, I still accept texts from my ex. Emotionally, they're all over the place. He's selling the house, he's staying. He hates and loves me at the same time. He says he's bouncing off the walls, goes crazy at night, is trying to get his life back together. He doesn't understand why I left( he didn't do anything wrong) and wants to talk to me so that I understand what I did wrong and the devastation I caused.
These texts Ive grown accustomed to. He gets worse the more I respond, so I try to be supportive without triggering. Yeah- is that even possible.
So, the other night he texts me I'm in trouble please help me I'm bleeding it won't stop. He's a diabetic, I'm starting to worry. I advise him what to do. He sends me a picture of his bloody sock- he injured his foot. I lose sight of everything going on around me and am texting him rapid Fire. Talk about rewarding his reaching out. I need to STOP caretaking this man and stop feeling responsible for him. Ugh. He is over the top thankful in his text replies. He goes to the hospital for stitches. His text on the way home?
One thing keeps coming to my head. You did me wrong. I love you and you did me wrong. Good night sweetheart.
After this text, we had some mundane interactions. He sends a hi, a reference to our shared history that no longer occurs, like friday night pizza.
The text tonight just really got to me.
He said remember these words. Mommy you killed your baby. Sad. There was the usual other texts as well - you done me wrong, you brought devastation to me, you ruined my life.
But that one. I feel so enmeshed right now I could scream. So guilty and sad. He used to call me mommy hasnt done that since I left.
He needs help. He's high functioning but im just afraid for him. What do I do?
He's undiagnosed thinks everything is my fault in the r/s. Blaming, raging, completely deregulated emotionally. He tells me he needs tons of counseling then writes
.
I just want him to get support. Any thoughts on how I can help him? Don't want to trigger him. Can't say hey guess what hon? I think you have BPD! I know I'm not the one who can help him. I'm supposed to be focusing on myself and healing. I'm afraid to go no contact. My family's fears are a little different. They think he'll kill me if I see him. He is asking me to come out ( I left the state) so we can end things perfectly, the right way.
What are my options, if any? To help? Is it truly not safe for me to see him? It's been a little over 6 weeks since I left. He never hurt me physically in 15 years. Just the usual verbal and emotional abuse and controlling through anger. He has threatened my father with physical harm, as he helped me move out. I just can't imagine him hurting me. Am I still in the FOG?
