I wonder if he ever thinks of me.

[steelwork]

We haven't spoken in a year and a half, so why does it matter and why do I care? But I do. When will it stop mattering? Ever?

I just don't really have anyone to say that to, so I'm saying it here.

[Leonis]

Have you been living your life in the sense of making new friends, furthering careers, and perhaps dating?

I guess what I'm trying to say is what are you doing to detach and distract yourself the last year and half?

[Herodias]

I think they must... .but I think they don't want to. They don't want to deal with it and that's why they move on so fast. I read that since they don't deal with the end of their relationships like we do, it will come back to haunt them eventually... .If we mattered in their heads somewhere, I think they will compare the new person with you and make them feel like less of a person because of whatever you did better... .Since some of them come back, that's a sign they never forget either. Mine told me that I was a big part of his life and he will always love me- Hmmmm... .I am sure he thinks of me monthly when he pays my alimony,

[steelwork]

I am sure he thinks of me monthly when he pays my alimony,

Hah!

What I've been doing to detach and get on with life: a lot. I have a large family and a lot of friends. I've been working hard on a big career goal, which is slowly approaching completion. I started therapy soon after my r/s imploded, and I've had a lot of terrible but necessary realizations about myself, and about the childhood traumas that shaped me.

I've inventoried my role in the relationship and (mostly) forgiven myself  for the mistakes I made and the ways I hurt him.

I've stopped blaming myself for all of it.

I've learned as much as I could about BPD, and the inherent limitations of being in a relationship with a pwBPD.

I've gone over all the strange and uncomfortable things that happened when we were together and tried to make sense of them.

I've tried to look at our r/s and breakup through the optic of his cognitive distortions.

I've stayed out of contact.

I am seeing someone, yes. He's someone I've known for a long time. He is a support system for me in a way that my strange, narcissistic parents weren't. It feels safe, in both the good way and the bad way. Sometimes I think, Just stick with this. This is a mature relationship. Other times I wonder if I am forgoing the possibility of a connection like the one I had with my uBPDx.

[sweet tooth]

Do you ever reflect on your past relationships, crushes, etc, good or bad? I know I do. I'm sure we all do. So why wouldn't your ex?

[once removed]

i know we read about object permanence and it describes the sense of "out of sight out of mind". there is truth to it.

having said that, who here was ever out of sight and literally forgotten by their partner?

i dont know him, steelwork, and im not in his head, but the odds are, regardless of, in what sense he recalls you, that he has not forgotten you. lack of object permanence isnt the same thing as amnesia.

[steelwork]

Thanks.

I mean, he did the email equivalent of slamming the phone down on me over a year ago, and that seems to have been that for him. I guess deep down I really thought he'd reach out for some kind of hatchet-burying by now, but no. The fact that he hasn't, and the way he ended things, make me feel like I've become a nonperson to him. Which is scary.

[HurtinNW]

Thanks.

I mean, he did the email equivalent of slamming the phone down on me over a year ago, and that seems to have been that for him. I guess deep down I really thought he'd reach out for some kind of hatchet-burying by now, but no. The fact that he hasn't, and the way he ended things, make me feel like I've become a nonperson to him. Which is scary.

I can relate to this. My ex slammed the phone down and vanished me three months ago. That's what it feels like: being erased. One moment you are in their life, the next you don't even exist.

I fully expect that by the end of the year I will be feeling and writing the same thing. There is no hatchet-burying. People who don't believe they are capable of using a hatchet can't bury one. All they do is move on, away from reflection.

Maybe we were always nonpersons to them, in some ways. I think for my ex I was either too frightening, too challenging and too representative of too much for him to really see me as a person even when he was idealizing me. I was either on the pedestal or having my face rubbed in the muck, and I am starting to think neither were really me. He never really saw me, and what little glimmers he let into his soul scared him to much he reacted with rage.

It hurts to be vanished, erased, treated like you don't exist.

That said, it doesn't mean he doesn't think of you. He's created a narrative that works for him, and that is how he thinks of you... .whatever the narrative is.

 

[Confused108]

Steal don't be too hard on yourself. I know how painful it is. One day they love you the next their ending it out of the blue  and it's over. Mine after 26 years came back found me on FB and tried to start a relationship. On a very low key. I didn't take her bait until last June. Stupid me. Well anyway my ex told me she never thought about me in all those years. 26. Coming back to me opened up a lot of pain... .Caused by my Mother separating us and telling my ex I had someone else . That was not true but it damaged my ex . I'm her "trigger" . She was diagnosed as Bipolar at 14 but she actions don't meet the illness. She is a sure fit for BPD. I feel these individuals block out the ones they really loved. They are capable of it and once they feel that love they bolt. They can't handle it. I feel that is what's going on with my ex. It sucks! I know it does! One day at a time. Remember it's not your fault. Mental illness is.

[steelwork]

HurtinNW, I think you're spot on.

And when I think of some of the things he said--even while "in love" with me... .He had a panic attack the first time we had sex. He said once that love put him in a trauma state: a place of all-or-nothing thinking, dissociations, left him open to the highest of highs and also states of terror. Many times he made references to fear in relation to his feelings about me. I'm a bad memory to him now.

He's created a narrative that works for him, and that is how he thinks of you... .whatever the narrative is.

Yep, and I think this is a big element in the desire for "closure." What IS closure? Maybe we want it because we think it will allow us to regain control over the shared narrative. But really, there IS no shared narrative, is there?

[HurtinNW]

But really, there IS no shared narrative, is there?

That is the hardest and most painful reality for me to accept. That's the place my heart breaks.

[myself]

It's shared, but becomes too unbalanced and uncertain on each side.

There's no real middle ground, no consistently intimate connection.

Of course some think about/remember us. It's unfinished business for them too.

[leew2110]

it took me 2 year to stop thinking about my ex and wondering etc.

Then she reappeared few months after that, actually proved to me while she had been acting like she hated me and never wanted to see me again, she had been checking on me and missing me, never stopped loving me etc.

i fell for it & we got back together, it didnt take long for the arguments to start all over again and 6 month later, she was gone again and back to hating me.

this has been going on for 10 year now on & off and i believe they do think of us, but only when it suits them and they come back for same reason too.

this time, while i do still think of her and miss her, its getting easier to accept she will never change and I hope she stays away for good now.

[Leonis]

this has been going on for 10 year now on & off and i believe they do think of us, but only when it suits them and they come back for same reason too.

this time, while i do still think of her and miss her, its getting easier to accept she will never change and I hope she stays away for good now.

That's just too long... .I would feel like I'm wasting my life away without having any meaningful relationship in the long run.

[Lifewriter16]

My two-penny worth (UK currency!) is this:

If they disappear in anger it is because they have strong feelings for you not because they don't... .but that doesn't mean they can admit those feelings to themselves. My BPDxbf told me that when we are apart, he tells himself that he doesn't love me. Whether he loves me or not, he's expending energy in telling himself how to feel about me so he's obviously thinking about me.

Personally, steelwork, I think it's a definite that he thinks about you... .but would you want him back given the history between you?

I have spent a lot of time torturing myself with self-blame for losing the love of my life, but I clearly haven't actually lost the love of my life, he wasn't the one destined for me because the relationship was doomed before it even commenced simply because of his BPD. It is impossible to love someone who doesn't want to be loved. And it is impossible for someone who doesn't want to be loved to love without massive psychological conflict. And pwBPD don't want to be loved for a number of reasons, the main one being that loving someone triggers core pain and they just can't handle it. I think the normal human condition is to run from pain, they do it, we do it and the more pain we've got hidden in our psyches the faster we run. My BPDxbf told me that love is abuse to him... .how can anyone fight that?

Love Lifewriter

[freemanstrut]

But really, there IS no shared narrative, is there?

That is the hardest and most painful reality for me to accept. That's the place my heart breaks.

There's a sting there.  Once it wears off it feels liberating instead of nauseating.

[joeramabeme]

If they disappear in anger it is because they have strong feelings for you not because they don't... .but that doesn't mean they can admit those feelings to themselves.

Agreed with ^^^.

My ex drove by my house this weekend.  I happened to be outside and saw her throw a glance as she passed by.  I also wondered if she was thinking of me, probably was and that probably was followed by a list of reasons to not stop by and say hi.

So difficult to be discarded and invisibilized into the ether... .

[Leonis]

My ex drove by my house this weekend.  I happened to be outside and saw her throw a glance as she passed by.  I also wondered if she was thinking of me, probably was and that probably was followed by a list of reasons to not stop by and say hi.

Sounds like some serious middle school nonsense there.

[Dhand77]

My ex drove by my house this weekend.  I happened to be outside and saw her throw a glance as she passed by.  I also wondered if she was thinking of me, probably was and that probably was followed by a list of reasons to not stop by and say hi.

Sounds like some serious middle school nonsense there.

Isn't that how pwBPD pretty much operate? My ex has turned my workplace in Degrassi High for the last 5 months. Sheesh, I figured the juvenile, middle school behavior was par for the course? :-P

[hope2727]

My ex drove by my house this weekend.  I happened to be outside and saw her throw a glance as she passed by.  I also wondered if she was thinking of me, probably was and that probably was followed by a list of reasons to not stop by and say hi.

Lol DeGrassi. Thats awesome. I am so sorry you are enduring this. I hope you can find it in yourself to detach from her at work. Grey rock all the way. Mine has vanished into his new woman's life never to be seen in mine again. But yes before he left it was totally Degrassi all over the place.



Sounds like some serious middle school nonsense there.

Isn't that how pwBPD pretty much operate? My ex has turned my workplace in Degrassi High for the last 5 months. Sheesh, I figured the juvenile, middle school behavior was par for the course? :-P