Another update

[NCEA]

What can I say... .It's over. Again.

We had a long talk now and after five months of being in contact she again decided that it's simply "not it" and that she wants to start dating again. She said she never was really sure, which is why she was ambivalent towards me, always yes and no, and that she's not always like that.

Again, only time will tell. I'm happy about this second round because I've seen more and learned more and it was useful in many ways. It also opened my eyes to my own BPDish ways, which come out of me in times of indecision. They push / pull when they're not sure, and that's human. We all do it sometimes. And I think they might do it with one but not with another.

Surly some of the ex partners people describe here are more problematic than others. But I truly believe that some are simply people who fell out of love, or people with commitment issues. This whole business of mental illness... .

Meanwhile, I had the smarts not to break up from my other girl, who I could not fully commit to, but now I can. I feel relived... .Calm. I want a few days to pass already so I can know for sure that I'm not falling into depression again.

As a side note, my wonderful girl... .She's away on her vacation. What did she decide to do on her vacation? To go to a Greek island and volunteer in a refugee camp for two weeks. She's just pure goodness and I should be grateful she's even with me. She's even open to the idea of going with me to swingers parties, knowing that my biggest fear from relationships in sexual exclusively... .

Anyway, strangely I'm feeling happy now. I hope I won't be needing this forum.

[once removed]

im glad you feel a sense of closure this time around NCEA. so what have you learned that will be of value to you in this new relationship?

youre right. the majority of our exes are undiagnosed, and most would not meet the criteria for diagnosis, traits or not. this is a place both to learn about BPD, and ourselves - our own responses. a support group is only a crutch if you make it so. there are skills and tools here that will help bulid healthier relationships of all kinds (not just a person with BPD traits), and get unique support and perspective as we do. nothing inhibiting about that

[NCEA]

Yes, much more understanding, and closed much more nicely. But it still hurts. It still feels like I've lost my other half. I can't describe it any other way.

I think this time around I'm going to just stay friends with her, within 10-14 days. Maybe she's just right, it was never meant to be romantic between us, but instead we should just be very close friends and support each other on our journeys. Then when she crashes again I'll be there to support her.

What a crazy ride.