Shame is at the heart of my BPD addiction

[Moselle]

I learned this week that shame is at the heart of every addiction, (including codependency)

Shame says: I am worthless, unlovable, damaged.

A person wracked with shame is the perfect candidate for a BPD partner, who uses Fear, Obligation, Guilt and Shame to control them. I think it should be FOGS, not FOG 

How have you dealt with your shame? Please share?

[C.Stein]

This might help some people.

Merriam-Webster Definition of shame 1a :  A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety

I feel some shame post trash bin, but when I met my ex I don't believe I was feeling any shame.

[Ahoy]

I don't mind saying that I'm a recovering internet porn addict. Since I was a teenager, high speed internet impacted my early dating life SIGNIFICANTLY. It's lead to a little bit of anxiety in the bedroom.

I only read about porn addiction 4 years ago just before I met my BPD. Basically I was VERY ashamed and embarrassed about my problem but for her it was not an issue. It was so easy with her because she took my greatest insecurity and made it a non-issue.

So yeah, having a beautiful, sensual woman, who honestly could get ANY man she wanted, who chose me a broken man (this is how I thought of myself 4 years ago) it was a HUGE deal.

Que enmeshment and I'm hooked.

I'll probably always have anxiety in the bedroom, but she chased a LOT of it away. I'll always be thankful for that, even though she tore my heart out my body through my nostrils 3 1/2 years later .

[C.Stein]

I'll probably always have anxiety in the bedroom

Learning how to satisfy a woman both emotionally and physically in the bedroom will completely alleviate your anxiety.   

[earlgrey]

I learned this week that shame is at the heart of every addiction, (including codependency)

recently went on a weekend course to "heal the wounds of childhood", and much of the work was on toxic shame (see John Bradshaw - the family etc)

Origin stemming from dysfunctional family environment (tick).

Plenty of good sense.

Hard part (for me) finding, recognising, understanding my shame. Is it buried so deep?

We had to draw pictures to release our shame... .I'm afraid mine were not very revealing.

[Moselle]

Earlgrey,

I think this stuff is buried deep and we've usually carried it for years whist it leaks toxic sludge into our person.

I'm still learning, but think the best way to release it, is to talk about it. And keep talking until the deep stuff comes out.

I know we are all different however and some might be more visually oriented.  What pictures were you required to draw?

[Nuitari]

So yeah, having a beautiful, sensual woman, who honestly could get ANY man she wanted, who chose me a broken man (this is how I thought of myself 4 years ago) it was a HUGE deal.

I know what you mean. In my case, I've always had a low opinion of myself. I don't know where that comes from. I grew up in a loving family. But my insecurities have created huge problems for my social life. My ex is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She initiated the relationship. Even though I was very attracted to her, I would never have made the first move because I never would have guessed in a million years that a woman like her, who could have her pick of any man she wanted, would be interested in me. Even when the flirting started, part of me thought I was just misinterpreting things because of wishful thinking on my part. I'll never know what she saw in me. I sometimes wonder if she sensed those insecurities and decided from it that I would be easy prey. Whatever the case, she put me on a pedestal. She made me feel special. I never thought I would have that experience, to be the recipient of so much attention and affection from such a beautiful woman. Of coarse, that didn't last. But as angry as I now am with her, there is this voice in my head telling me that, instead of being angry, I should be grateful for what attention I did receive from her. It was more than I would have ever expected from a woman like her. We went to dance club one night. It wasn't my thing, but she wanted to go. She looked AMAZING. I remember that she was wearing this short, tight black leather dress. Every guy there was staring at her, and she was with me! I was the envy of every man there. I could see it in their faces. I never thought I would be that guy. She has given me experiences and memories that I would never have dared hope for, and then she went on to make me feel like an insignificant piece of garbage. Now I'm left feeling this weird mixture of anger and gratitude, and I'm still trying to learn how to sort it all out in my head.

[Mutt]

I'm still learning, but think the best way to release it, is to talk about it. And keep talking until the deep stuff comes out.

Hi Moselle,

You're right, we can look at our feelings and challenge them when they come up. Is this fact or opinion? Take a lool from a different perspective, a helivoper view, what would you tell a friend if they had similar thoughts?

[Moselle]

You're right, we can look at our feelings and challenge them when they come up. Is this fact or opinion?

Hi Mutt. I'm not sure how to challenge my feelings. Do you mean to test if they are valid or not? eg I feel shame from being humiliated in public by my mother. Challenge: I should not feel shame from this.  She should for humiliating anyone in public, let alone her own son.

[Mutt]

You're right, we can look at our feelings and challenge them when they come up. Is this fact or opinion?

Hi Mutt. I'm not sure how to challenge my feelings. Do you mean to test if they are valid or not? eg I feel shame from being humiliated in public by my mother. Challenge: I should not feel shame from this.  She should for humiliating anyone in public, let alone her own son.

Hi Moselle,

I can see how I was not clear. I mean identify what you're feeling. I'm sorry that your mother humiliated you in public, I'm guessing that this is a feeling that is triggered, a reminder of a childhood memory when you're in public? Identify that trigger, zoom out and look at the bigger picture, is this fact or opinion? What advice would you tell a friend? What would you tell a friend tell you? Know that the feeling will pass.

[Moselle]

I can see how I was not clear. I mean identify what you're feeling. I'm sorry that your mother humiliated you in public, I'm guessing that this is a feeling that is triggered, a reminder of a childhood memory when you're in public? Identify that trigger, zoom out and look at the bigger picture, is this fact or opinion? What advice would you tell a friend? What would you tell a friend tell you? Know that the feeling will pass.

Ooh. I like that. It's powerful.  Yes. A feeling of shame is triggered. One that is repeated if/when someone else shames or belittles me in public. That is the trigger.  Is it fact or opinion? This one is fact. The bigger picture- she was likely stressed about her own insecurities at this public function. She felt small and took it out on someone smaller than she was to feel better about herself. What advice would I tell a friend "You are talented and worthy. If someone belittles you in public, it is their issue not yours".  Advice - Blow this off. It about your mother's issues not about you. You were a convenient target.

Thanks Mutt. I like this exercise.  It really helps me see it objectively

[Mutt]

I can see how I was not clear. I mean identify what you're feeling. I'm sorry that your mother humiliated you in public, I'm guessing that this is a feeling that is triggered, a reminder of a childhood memory when you're in public? Identify that trigger, zoom out and look at the bigger picture, is this fact or opinion? What advice would you tell a friend? What would you tell a friend tell you? Know that the feeling will pass.

Ooh. I like that. It's powerful.  Yes. A feeling of shame is triggered. One that is repeated if/when someone else shames or belittles me in public. That is the trigger.  Is it fact or opinion? This one is fact. The bigger picture- she was likely stressed about her own insecurities at this public function. She felt small and took it out on someone smaller than she was to feel better about herself. What advice would I tell a friend "You are talented and worthy. If someone belittles you in public, it is their issue not yours".  Advice - Blow this off. It about your mother's issues not about you. You were a convenient target.

Thanks Mutt. I like this exercise.  It really helps me see it objectively

You're welcome and you're right, look at it objectively.

[earlgrey]

Earlgrey,

I think this stuff is buried deep ... .  What pictures were you required to draw?

take a blank sheet of paper, wrong hand and let it go, just draw, choose colours... .

I didn't get it. Some people did and it showed.

I am scared of being judged, and found wanting.

My mum found me wanting. And I find it difficult to shake.

But I'm not a dork/dweeb/@hole (no offense anyone  )yet I seem to think I am.

This toxic shame sits on a shoulder whispering this cr@p, and we listen... .and believe.

Aaaaaarghhhhhhh

[Moselle]

Earl Grey, can you think of the first time you felt this way? Who was there, where was it, how old were you?

[once removed]

You're right, we can look at our feelings and challenge them when they come up. Is this fact or opinion?

Hi Mutt. I'm not sure how to challenge my feelings. Do you mean to test if they are valid or not? eg I feel shame from being humiliated in public by my mother. Challenge: I should not feel shame from this.  She should for humiliating anyone in public, let alone her own son.

if youre operating on "shoulds" or "shouldnts" with regard to your feelings, you are going to feel shame. feelings are always valid. how might you facilitate confidence in your feelings and learn to trust them?

[Moselle]

feelings are always valid. how might you facilitate confidence in your feelings and learn to trust them?

Yes, I agree feelings are always valid. I  began focusing on my feelings about 6 months ago. And I did it through validating them. Until then I had done my  best to dismiss, invalidate, and ignore them.

It took some effort to listen to them and value them. After identifying them, and accepting them I find it much easier to tune into my feelings.

Shame is a  new one and I'm admitting that I'm struggling to deal with whats coming up. I feel intense pain when I acknowledge my shame. Then much lighter the day after.

Alot of it doesn't make alot of sense when I use Mutt's technique of zooming out.  I think it was a boy's best attempt to survive a dysfunctional childhood.  

[earlgrey]

Earl Grey, can you think of the first time you felt this way? Who was there, where was it, how old were you?

I cannot find a first time... .

probably aware of something as a young adult.

As a kid I would go red and feel stupid. No specifics, it was just the way I was.

During my 20s I would still have situations that were ordinary but I could find them extremely embarrasing.

I think unwittingly over time I have just got better at things... .until getting together with a pwBPD, And now I feel I have gone right back to being a gawky kid, and have had all my self confidence smashed by a destructive r/s.

[Moselle]

OK. This is quite similar to me. I had "forgotten" alot of my stuff but its there, believe me.

We protect ourselves from the pain this way. If you're gentle with yourself they'll come out sometime.

You are also recognising that relatively ordinary situations trigger you.  So its  not logical at all. Thats the key. Next time take it away from the emotional response, zoom out as Mutt suggests and have a rational conversation with yourself.  We can validate the response and reason with it at the same time.

Once I validated, and reasoned I stopped getting the emotional flooding. I'm six months into learning this stuff and its really worth persevering.

Also the power doesn't sit with tbe BPD. Its sits wkth us.  Unless we give it to them.

[steelwork]

I think it takes a lot of patience to uncover this stuff.

After I'd been seeing my therapist for several months, it was brought to my attention that I had a way of switching perspectives when talking about being hurt by someone. The best example is my uBPDx: every time I started talking about my feelings of betrayal and hurt, without realizing it, I'd find I was talking about the situation from (what I imagined to be) his perspective.

My T asked me one day, "How does it feel if you stay with your perspective?" And without thinking, I answered: "Shameful." Going out of my way not to put the other person's emotions first brought up an almost unbearable sense of shame. It made me want to crawl inside myself and disappear.

"Why?"

"Because I'm being selfish and demanding."

So, you know, I wasn't looking for the locus of my shame. I didn't even think of myself as having a lot of shame. But there it was, and it was a shattering discovery, and a lot of things started to make more sense after that. I began to see that the things I thought I'd wanted, all through my childhood, were largely things I felt my mother wanted.