Im new to this site. Feeling very disollusioned with my life as a mum.

[maygray]

  Im new to this site. My older child of 23yrs is too much for me to handle anymore. He had a sort of diagnosis of BPD when he was eighteen. At that time he was self harming, attempted suicide  and was in an abusive and unhealthy relationship with a cheating girlfriend.He stopped cutting himself, refused any treatment or help from any services and began hammering Canabis. Financially he has had so much money from me and had no sympathy when i had cancer and treatment and was unable to work for a while, bullying me until I gave him money He has been very hard work for me, I have tried to understand his behaviour and his anger which is very frightening, he would not express any of this outside the home. He recently stopped smoking canabis, I have noticed he has increased his alcohol intake now. He has told me that he is ready to accept his diagnosis and feels the symptoms he has read about are very much HIM.

I feel we are making slow headway but I dont know how to help him. I have been reading about the subject as much as I can. His behaviour and outbursts are so hurtful, my thirteen year old says if it carries on he will go and stay at his dads. I could go on. Please tell me Im not alone .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello to you, Maygray, and welcome.  I am fairly new to this Board, also, and have found it to be very helpful to me.  First of all is being heard.  Then you will find, in other's stories, you are not alone.  While every situation is different, there are similarities. 

It is hard to have your child turn on you, exhibit no respect.  This is not what is envisioned as we hold them in our hearts, open up our wallets, run to their aid.  We have done this with our daughter for close to 40 years.  It was hard to change because of our precious grandchildren (who are now 24 and 26)... .never wanting to make waves for fear of losing contact with them... .which happened anyway.  Their reason being that they didn't want to take sides. 

So, now that you have waded in, I hope you will be able to find the same kind of comfort and knowledge and support I have found on this site.  The main things to me were being heard... .being validated... .reading that our path was one travelled by others.  Our stories have left friends speechless... .unable to respond because none of their experiences with their children compared... .their silence would sometimes shame me. 

Keep writing, Maygray!

[Lollypop]

Hi maygray

Welcome.

I've been here in this board regularly for the last 6 months. I started by reading the information available on this page - top right hand bars. There's tools, lessons and practical help and I've found this site to be my family's lifesaver.

I live in the UK and my BPDs25 was diagnosed in sept 15 in the USA. I also have a non BPDs 15 so understand how your younger son at 13 can find the family situation very difficult. You are very definitely not on your own. Everybody here totally understands and can offer advice or guidance if you ask.

My BPDs25 returned home mid-Dec in a very bad way. I swore blind Id never have him back to live with us again. We'd been financially supporting him and simply put: our money ran out. We felt we had no choice, we knew he needed us but things had to change. Everything we'd ever done or said had made things worse. We were sick and tired ourselves.

I learnt as much as I could here. I started to understand his limitations. I didn't react to his behaviours any more. His life will never be the one we had hoped or planned for. We understood our own part in making him worse. I learnt how to validate, listen, really listen then validate more. It took a lot of hard work but, together with better communication, we started to see small signs of improvement. My confidence has improved and I don't do that merry dance when skirting around an issue with him any more.

My BPDs smokes weed every day (self medicates) and does not drink. He does not seek treatment. His relationships are very intense, black/white thinking, abandonment issues and financial management is a massive problem.

An early turning point was giving him £5 on xmas eve and I told him that was the last time I would ever give him money. We had 4 weeks of up/down behaviours but he then started to look for casual work. He is now working regularly and paying me rent each Monday. It's slow progress but I'm determined to get him to live independently.

I model behaviours I want to see in him. I am becoming the parent he needs.

My BPDs doesn't rage but internalises. As he's now stable I can see his triggers a lot more clearly. My younger son is currently struggling with the change in family dynamics. Life can be very complicated and painful can't it.

I look forward to reading your posts and to better understand how we can practically help. What sort of support are you getting for yourself?

Is your BPDs working?

[Giggy]

You are not alone.  I have a 37 yr old BPDs.   It's up and down.  I pray and try to educated myself.  Validate what I can.