Larmoyant,
The group here will always be there for you no matter what time of the day it is to pick you up and dust you off so you can continue your journey. As each day passes you are doing what a lot of us have done before you, before others just coming to this group, you are learning to understand this mental illness more. That BPD is a very serious mental illness beyond the help of current modern medicine or other conventional "talk therapy".
But MORE importantly, YOU are learning more about YOU! You are learning about how he triggers your anxiety, your fears, etc. Because you've learned all of that you're much more capable of dealing with his flying monkeys and redirecting the responsibility back to him even though he will most likely NEVER take responsibility for the actions or inactions for what he's done, said or his behavior. This is the result of a broken mind incapable of ever truly understanding the hurt, pain, he has caused.
YOU said it best, "REALITY IS WINNING OVER FANTASY". You've taken another huge step on your journey Larmoyant. A r/s with any BPD is a fantasy with butterfly's, rainbows & unicorns. Some NON's NEVER want to hear this and will continue to sacrifice themselves, heart, mind & soul for weeks, months and in some cases in these forums you read of NON's sacrificing themselves for decades. Can you or any NON in these forums imagine dealing with your current BPD r/s for the next 20-30 years?
Some have describe a r/s with a BPD like that of being an emotional Vampire sucking life out of a NON slowly day by day, month after month, year after year, yet they continue to stay in the BPD r/s because they are either incapable or simply do not want to believe in order to live a happier, more fulfilling life they must let go of their BPD r/s. My father, my exBPDgf father died of broken hearts, minds & certainly broken bodies after a lifetime with their BPD, and I can now see my step mothers partner of 25 years who's mind, body and soul have taken a toll and I fear for them that when they retire from the workforce soon that they will soon succumb to 24/7 exposure of a BPD behavior.
YOU have decided to move forward on your own terms Larmoyant and that's ok! It's ok to look back over your shoulder, it's part of the learning process! How can YOU build a better life full of excitement, exploration, full of joy & happiness if you don't learn from your past. Take away a positive from the negative of your BPD r/s, that you have learned so much about yourself, and to explore & really enjoy YOUR life! Do NOT believe that you find value in YOUR life by trying to make someone else happy but find value in YOUR own life truly living it for yourself !
Don't let your ex BPD r/s hold you back, but let it push you forward! It's ok to miss your BPD, hell I do. I miss the moments of fun, excitement & moments of intimacy, BUT they were only short lived moments. I sure as hell don't miss the chaos, the drama, the pain, hurt and allowing her to manipulate me. I certainly don't miss her having me chase down her flying monkey's to put back in their cages after she set them free. I chose to get off the crazy train roller coaster ... .Insert Ozzy Osborne song here, "Crazy Train" ... ."Aaaallll Abooard ... .hahahaha".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4gxKFAhfZcInstead of sitting home on a Saturday or ANY day for that matter wondering what your exBPD is doing or who they're doing it with, YOU need to take care of YOU & LIVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN! Have a girls night out, take your sister, brother, aunt, a friend out to a movie & a bite to eat. Spend time with someone who will appreciate your thoughts, your feelings, who makes you laugh, makes you smile. Not a date, that will come later, but just get out of the house because nothing good comes from sitting and thinking negative thoughts.
All of this is about YOU ... . IT'S ABOUT YOU LEARNING TO LIVE LIFE TO THE ABSOLUTE FULLEST!
J
