My ex and I could of been or should of been..

[C.Stein]

I want to create a very strong boundary for myself on what should be said when these disagreements occur.

This is good, regardless of if you reconcile with her or not.  How would you go about enforcing this boundary?

I also feel she called me names when she wanted to end the relationship then she quickly mended it as soon as she  brought it down.

This may be indicative of devaluation.  What do you think?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jmorris2076]

I would go about enforcing this with healthy communication and with an understanding of what I will and will not stand for. As for the name calling to be honest they were tied into the arguments most of the time so once again i am not sure.

[C.Stein]

I would go about enforcing this with healthy communication and with an understanding of what I will and will not stand for. As for the name calling to be honest they were tied into the arguments most of the time so once again i am not sure.

Can you give an example to a to how you might enforce a boundary using these tools?

How are your Validation skills?  

Have you read about S.E.T?

You can make up a hypothetical argument or use one that you remember.

[jmorris2076]

Why would she use devaluation?

[livednlearned]

I want to create a very strong boundary for myself on what should be said when these disagreements occur.

In many BPD relationships, boundaries are a problem for both sides. People with BPD tend to have none and our own tend to be extremely weak. Over time, even our weak boundaries disintegrate.

It's great that you want to set boundaries -- super important in BPD relationships. Actually, in all relationships. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, and part of that means having good emotional boundaries.

She made you feel great, and creative. She made you feel worthless and exhausted. Good boundaries come down to feeling worthy regardless of what others do or say. We can feel hurt, sure. We do not need to feel our worth devalued.

She has given you a glimpse of how she handles conflict. Having good boundaries does not mean she will change this (it's probably something she learned in her family of origin and long predated you), it means you will change.

Imagine someone who barges into your house everyday. For a long time, you allow it yet resent it. You wonder why this person does this. Usually because they can! You let them do it for a while, and nothing changes. Then, you tell them to stop. They might for a while, then they go back to doing what they did. You let them do this for a while, and then start to get angry. Why aren't they respecting your boundary? It makes you mad and you escalate things thinking if you get mad they will know you're serious.

What makes someone know you are serious is when you enforce the boundary. With someone who is BPD, or with anyone who has weak boundaries. you have to make the boundary about you. "It's always been important to me that people knock before entering. I love you and want you to come over, and I also want you to knock. Going forward, this doesn't mean I don't want you to come over, it means I care about this principle and I care about myself. If I leave my door open and you walk in, that is my fault and I need to work at remembering to lock my door."

Instead of, ":)on't just walk into my house without knocking first." That might work with someone who has really good boundaries themselves. If you do this with someone who has BPD, it won't really make sense because the whole point is to be able to walk into your house without knocking.

[jmorris2076]

So I guess I should really decide if I should pursue this or not and use the knowledge from this website.

[C.Stein]

Why would she use devaluation?

There could be many reasons for this JM.  In my case the devaluation started in earnest after she severely compromised the relationship and exposed her true self.  Her devaluation of me was triggered by her inability to face herself and the consequences of her actions.   It was easier for her to devalue and replace me than it was for her to fix what she had broken.  As a consequence of what she did I withdrew and distanced myself due to the emotional distress and depression I was feeling.  This also gave her reason to devalue me as I was no longer providing her with the validation she needed in order to complete and believe in her false self-image.

So I guess I should really decide if I should pursue this or not and use the knowledge from this website.

Given she has "moved on" what options do you see yourself having here with her?  Certainly whatever the case is, learning and using the communications tools will help you in all your relationships, intimate or not.  I would encourage you to learn and ask questions here as you move forward.  I know for myself validation is something I can struggle with at times, especially in the face of unjustified angry accusations.  This is something I continue to work on here in the hope of becoming a better communicator within intimate and close relationships.  Oddly I do validate fairly well outside of those types of relationships but there is always room for self-improvement and personal growth.   

[jmorris2076]

I feel that I can reconcile in some way she is on my mind a lot I want the thoughts of her to end but also I am just not even sure if she still has feelings for me

[C.Stein]

I feel that I can reconcile in some way she is on my mind a lot I want the thoughts of her to end but also I am just not even sure if she still has feelings for me

Reconciliation requires both parties to be on the same page.  All you can do now is work on yourself, learn the skills that are essential to managing and surviving a relationship with a borderline.  If reconciliation becomes an option at some point then you will ready.

To that end, what do you feel you can do to further yourself in this regard?

[jmorris2076]

I feel that I should take some time to myself. I am going to start this new job teaching theater to kids so that will keep my mind occupied. I just cant help but think of her occassionally.

[C.Stein]

I feel that I should take some time to myself. I am going to start this new job teaching theater to kids so that will keep my mind occupied.

Very good insight JM, an honest and mature understanding of yourself!   

We all need to find our center and ground ourselves again after these types of relationships.  It is integral to our emotional health and overall well being.

I just cant help but think of her occassionally.

I know bud, oh how I know.  I still think of my ex all the time and I still feel the pain of loss.  It will take time to process this all and it is OK.  Take the time necessary to make yourself whole again so you can participate in a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship, regardless of who it is with.

[jmorris2076]

Did you ever want to get some form of closure ?

[C.Stein]

Did you ever want to get some form of closure ?

You bet your bottom dollar I did/do ... .and I will never get it either.   I wrote a couple of "closure" emails but if I am being honest, they did nothing to give me closure.

She is not capable of giving me closure, even if she cared enough to try.  She probably thinks our "goodbye" was closure ... .it wasn't.  I have to provide my own closure ... .slowly getting there.

[jmorris2076]

I feel the need to forgive and forget and instead understand her condition but it is not easy since we are not talking right now. My reconcilation is a means to make peace.

[C.Stein]

I feel the need to forgive and forget and instead understand her condition but it is not easy since we are not talking right now. My reconcilation is a means to make peace.

Yes I do agree that forgiveness is a good goal to aspire to, but never forget JM.  By forgetting you open yourself to be continually abused and mistreated.

My reconcilation is a means to make peace.

Your reconciliation with yourself?

[jmorris2076]

I just don't want to hold any form of anger because now I am very confused and hurt. Between me just figuring out that she has BPD and the fact that she moved on I just do not know what to do right now.

[C.Stein]

I just don't want to hold any form of anger because now I am very confused and hurt. Between me just figuring out that she has BPD and the fact that she moved on I just do not know what to do right now.

It is understandable to feel this way JM.  Take some time to collect yourself and be good to yourself.