Introduction- growing up with BPD parents.

[jc676]

Hello,

I'm 30 years old and I grew up having my physical needs taken care of but nothing else. We moved to the U.S. when I was in the seventh grade and I began having problems fitting in because of cultural differences and because I lacked social skills. In the eighth grade my teachers staged an intervention for my social problems but my father flat out told them not to help me, that he was like me and he turned out fine, the teachers and even I were shocked. In another school, in ninth grade the same thing happened, except that time it was my mother who said I didn't need any help.

After that, my parents would always turn me away when I explicitly asked for help after obviously ignoring the fact that I was living like a recluse and was depressed and not even a shadow of the person I used to be. When I would desperately ask for help they would tell me I didn't need it or they would tell me how much worse they had it and they would get angry and tell me to leave them alone.

Now as an adult, I've been suffering from clinical depression, generalized anxiety and severe social anxiety disorder to the point of mild-moderate agoraphobia since high school. As if that wasn't bad enough, I grew up being judged by them for sleeping too much, for not being able to do well in school, and not being able to work and told me I was lazy and treated me like I didn't care about my life when all these were signs of clinical depression and paralyzing anxieties.

My mother's family, the only side I had contact with since I was a child lives out of state and they only know anything about me through her. They also treated me the same way when I asked for help or tried to explain my reality. They would just tell me to let it go and that I was better off than them; nothing that was relevant to me or helpful. Unfortunately, my mother has BPD and I've overheard her speaking on the phone and the things she says about me are flat out the opposite of reality. She paints herself as a loving, caring mother and myself as a cold, heartless person who doesn't want to do anything.Truth is, I've repeatedly told her that all I need from her is a little support and attention, to show me that she cares because I feel so alone, worthless and rejected and that makes it so difficult to overcome the things I'm dealing with, (I'm still learning how to interact with people). I used to think she just refused to do that but after reading a book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," I see that she simply is incapable of it. My father as well but that's another story.

Still, because I still live with my mother I struggle to keep my reality and sense of self clear in my head which hold me back in my progress to get better. She is so good at denial and pretending things aren't the way they are that it causes me to lose my grasp on my reality which kills my self-esteem and it's only when we're around family that I notice her blatant disrespect towards me and her flat out ignorance to my reality and her role in it. Like when she laughs about me being in bed so much and describes it like it's one of my traits when I've repeatedly told her I need help to overcome depression. It might sound silly to some, but the fact that I do not have the income and I need help means I'm stuck in this distorted reality of hers and it's very detrimental to me as I continue to lose years of my life. I need every ounce of self-esteem and clear thinking to heal, and overcome and her attitudes and the way her family treats me are a huge anchor.

Sometimes I have moments of pure clarity and it freaks me out and kills me how I've lost so much life, suffered so much, and continue to struggle because of my parents' ridiculous denials and distorted views on reality. Especially, especially, when all I've ever needed was so little. All it would've taken for me to have some normalcy was for them to not withhold and block simple help. That's the hardest part to accept, that my life has been so tragically altered because of utterly nonsensical and clueless attitudes.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Jc676! 

I'm really glad you've reached out to us here. This is a great family of members who will offer helpful thoughts and understanding.

I'm very sorry for the way your parents treated you. How difficult it is when as a child we needed help yet they made it all about themselves and let you fall through the cracks. How unimportant you must've felt!

Do you think both of your parents are BPD? If so, what types of behaviour do you notice? It is obvious from your post that they had a hard time understanding your needs. Depression is or can be very debilitating. I have family members who have it, and it is like a fog over who you are. Are you in any type of T to help you?

Please stay in touch! Would love to hear more from you.



Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY JC676:

I'm so very sorry about what you have been through.  I can see how you would feel you had years of life robbed from you.  Sounds like you may not have access to health insurance.  You indicate you were 7 years old when you came to the US.  Have you become a citizen of the US?

I know that different cultures look at mental health issues differently.  A lot has changed through the years, in regard to treatment options. When I was in school, it just wasn't common place for anyone to get psychological therapy or meds.  I suspect that if the child I was growing up were in school today, someone in the school system would likely have requested that I get some counseling or treatment.

You can't change the past, only work on today and the future.  So, the first step would be to go see a doctor or psychologist.  Do you have any resources to perhaps start with a GP visit?  Sometime, they can get you some referrals.

You could possibly get set up with some health insurance coverage via the "Affordable Care Act" (ObamaCare).  I live in California and they seem to have a lot of offices where you can go and check with someone about signing up.  The situation will be a little different in each state.  Some states have a state focus, as with "Covered California", and others have a Federal focus.  You might qualify for Medicaid.  Have you tried to search for mental health services for the area where you live?

Have you tried anything  to try and reduce the symptoms of depression and anxiety on your own?  Physical Exercise, deep breathing exercises, mindful meditation, guided meditation can sometimes help.  What tools have you tried in the past? 

Don't let yourself get overwhelmed, take things one step at a time.  I've entered some links to BPD info. below.  Check it out when you can.  I know that it can seem scary right now, but things can get better for you. 

REGARDING BPD INFORMATION:

I found the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" very helpful. 

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the

board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  The links below are likely helpful:


Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to a Discussion Thread - What it means to be in the "FOG"

Note:  There are multiple pages for this one, might want to find the page numbering area at the top and click "all"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries (there are approx. 7 pages of discussion)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0