Does telling me to find someone else defy BPD logic?

[SoMadSoSad]

One of the things she told me after the break. "You needed to move on a long time ago and find someone for you. I moved on and I am happy". Wouldn't that trigger abandonment?

[C.Stein]

My ex told me essentially the same thing ... .demonstrating how insensitive and blind she was to my emotions and "needs".  Just because she could throw me away like trash and "move on" like she never felt anything at all for me doesn't mean I can do the same. 

Why would you think this would trigger abandonment fears in your ex?  She has already "moved on" ... .where is the abandonment?

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex told me essentially the same thing ... .demonstrating how insensitive and blind she was to my emotions and "needs".  Just because she could throw me away like trash and "move on" like she never felt anything at all for me doesn't mean I can do the same. 

Why would you think this would trigger abandonment fears in your ex?  She has already "moved on" ... .where is the abandonment?

I guess I'm under the impression that they never detach fully. Plus all she did was jump into a new relationship when it looked like I was going to abandon her.

[reincarnate93]

My ex told me the same thing twice and came back both times after saying it

she's diagnosed with BPD. I'm actually afraid of the day she comes back if she decides to because sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to ignore her.

I've made a lot of progress in 8 months of NC and I'm afraid I'll flush it all away with just one impulsive little message from her

[C.Stein]

My ex told me essentially the same thing ... .demonstrating how insensitive and blind she was to my emotions and "needs".  Just because she could throw me away like trash and "move on" like she never felt anything at all for me doesn't mean I can do the same. 

Why would you think this would trigger abandonment fears in your ex?  She has already "moved on" ... .where is the abandonment?

I guess I'm under the impression that they never detach fully. Plus all she did was jump into a new relationship when it looked like I was going to abandon her.

There is no general rule here.  Some do, some don't.  I fully believe my ex has completely detached from most all of her exs ... .and she has probably detached fully from me as well.  There is only room for one attachment in her life, I don't think she knows how to have anything more.

Keep in mind, with regard to the topic, what is logical to a pwBPD may not seem at all logical to you.

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex told me essentially the same thing ... .demonstrating how insensitive and blind she was to my emotions and "needs".  Just because she could throw me away like trash and "move on" like she never felt anything at all for me doesn't mean I can do the same. 

Why would you think this would trigger abandonment fears in your ex?  She has already "moved on" ... .where is the abandonment?

I guess I'm under the impression that they never detach fully. Plus all she did was jump into a new relationship when it looked like I was going to abandon her.

There is no general rule here.  Some do, some don't.  I fully believe my ex has completely detached from most all of her exs ... .and she has probably detached fully from me as well.  There is only room for one attachment in her life, I don't think she knows how to have anything more.

Keep in mind, with regard to the topic, what is logical to a pwBPD may not seem at all logical to you.

Yea I think my ex is like yours. If she did detach though I can't see why she is still mad at me and kept something of mine she promised to give back.

[C.Stein]

If she did detach though I can't see why she is still mad at me and kept something of mine she promised to give back.

You can't apply logic to the illogical.  Are you assuming she is still mad at you because she hasn't returned your item?  Perhaps the more pertinent question to ask yourself is why does it bother you? 

[schwing]

It's only perceived as "abandonment" when the pwBPD's primary attachment is looking for someone else.  So while she was depending on you as her primary attachment, she couldn't bear if you considered being with someone else.  But once she has attached to a new person; her attachment to you practically doesn't exist. 

It is a different story however once she starts to doubt her current attachment.

This was my experience.  While my exBPDgf was with me, she couldn't stand it when I was away.  And would always joke about me finding someone else which were tests to see if I would bite (I never did).  I thought she had an unhealthy attachment to me and I encouraged her to find other people to depend upon, not just me.  So it was a huge surprise to me that in one of her most "independent" actions of taking a vacation without me, she ended up connecting with someone else (she had probably been grooming for a while) and I suddenly ceased to exist to her.

It's not "abandonment" when they abandon you first.

[Concerns]

"You needed to move on a long time ago and find someone for you. I moved on and I am happy".

Do not believe this.

IMO, I think this is a manipulation.

It's sounds very mature and reasonable. It's not. It's a devalue play and you should recognize it as such. What is does is make you the delusional one. You are the one with the problem. You can't move on. You can't be happy. It's twisted. Just how twisted depends on the timing. I was told this when I was just finding out that she had been seeking my replacement for months but it was all news to me. So I have a person standing in front of me telling me I need to move on when she was the one who had "moved on" already.

Don't believe it.

It won't trigger abandonment in her bc she has already found a replacement. That's the point. I will say that she will keep you in her rolodex and be aware of her trying to pull you back in for a recycle. They will keep you on a support leash for as long as you allow them to. I don't feel like they detach fully. I think a BPD's ability to detach is based on how effective the replacement relationship is at distracting them from their problems. Nevermind, they have left a trail of destruction behind them but "they are happy and you should move on... ." rigghhtt... .

[Skip]

find someone else

This is not a "BPD" thing.  People say this. When someone says find someone else, it a way of punctuating that statement "I'm done".  I'm so done, it won't hurt me if your find someone else.

Wouldn't that trigger abandonment?

Abandonment fears aren't so much of being afraid you are going to be "left" - they are about living a life where one insulates themselves from the pain of being left... .

How can someone do this? They can find a substitute or keep a back-up. They can demonize you. They find some way to insulate themselves from vulnerability.

pwBPD have huge rejection sensitivities. They suffer hugely with this early in life and then develop a protective skin to insulate themselves.

When they get in deep in a relationship, they are very vulnerable to this pain and when early signs of relationship failure start to show, the protective skills go into place.

[SoMadSoSad]

find someone else

This is not a "BPD" thing.  People say this. When someone says find someone else, it a way of punctuating that statement "I'm done".  I'm so done, it won't hurt me if your find someone else.

Wouldn't that trigger abandonment?

Abandonment fears aren't so much of being afraid you are going to be "left" - they are about living a life where one insulates themselves from the pain of being left... .

How can someone do this? They can find a substitute or keep a back-up. They can demonize you. They find some way to insulate themselves from vulnerability.

pwBPD have huge rejection sensitivities. They suffer hugely with this early in life and then develop a protective skin to insulate themselves.

When they get in deep in a relationship, they are very vulnerable to this pain and when early signs of relationship failure start to show, the protective skills go into place.

Wow to be able to detach and reattach to someone else is mind boggling. I can't accept the fact that the feelings we felt hasn't impacted her much. Too much of a logical thinker I guess.

[SoMadSoSad]

"You needed to move on a long time ago and find someone for you. I moved on and I am happy".

Do not believe this.

IMO, I think this is a manipulation.

It's sounds very mature and reasonable. It's not. It's a devalue play and you should recognize it as such. What is does is make you the delusional one. You are the one with the problem. You can't move on. You can't be happy. It's twisted. Just how twisted depends on the timing. I was told this when I was just finding out that she had been seeking my replacement for months but it was all news to me. So I have a person standing in front of me telling me I need to move on when she was the one who had "moved on" already.

Don't believe it.

It won't trigger abandonment in her bc she has already found a replacement. That's the point. I will say that she will keep you in her rolodex and be aware of her trying to pull you back in for a recycle. They will keep you on a support leash for as long as you allow them to. I don't feel like they detach fully. I think a BPD's ability to detach is based on how effective the replacement relationship is at distracting them from their problems. Nevermind, they have left a trail of destruction behind them but "they are happy and you should move on... ." rigghhtt... .

She won't be back anytime soon so I don't have to worry about that.

[HoneyB33]

"You needed to move on a long time ago and find someone for you. I moved on and I am happy".

Do not believe this.

IMO, I think this is a manipulation.

It's sounds very mature and reasonable. It's not. It's a devalue play and you should recognize it as such. What is does is make you the delusional one. You are the one with the problem. You can't move on. You can't be happy. It's twisted. Just how twisted depends on the timing. I was told this when I was just finding out that she had been seeking my replacement for months but it was all news to me. So I have a person standing in front of me telling me I need to move on when she was the one who had "moved on" already.

Don't believe it.

It won't trigger abandonment in her bc she has already found a replacement. That's the point. I will say that she will keep you in her rolodex and be aware of her trying to pull you back in for a recycle. They will keep you on a support leash for as long as you allow them to. I don't feel like they detach fully. I think a BPD's ability to detach is based on how effective the replacement relationship is at distracting them from their problems. Nevermind, they have left a trail of destruction behind them but "they are happy and you should move on... ." rigghhtt... .

Thank you for this Conserns. This is pretty much exactly what my ex did to me. It completely made me feel like I was the one with abandonment issues, and it totally was her trying to flip the script on me. My ex painted me as the abusive one, and even tried to convince me that I had BPD, and then I met that completely cold indifference. All while she of course went off like everything was perfect for her, and posting how happy she was all over FB. I'm still struggling to not personalize this person treating me like I was so worthless. It was really nice to read this thread and hear other ppl's experiences that are SO similar to mine. Schwing what you said was exactly my experience. My ex was so dependent upon me, it was exhausting. I would try to encourage her to have other ppl in her life, and yet the only time she was "independent" is when she threw me away like nothing. I was so shocked at how someone could be SO attached to me, and then absolutely nothing.

[SoMadSoSad]

"You needed to move on a long time ago and find someone for you. I moved on and I am happy".

Do not believe this.

IMO, I think this is a manipulation.

It's sounds very mature and reasonable. It's not. It's a devalue play and you should recognize it as such. What is does is make you the delusional one. You are the one with the problem. You can't move on. You can't be happy. It's twisted. Just how twisted depends on the timing. I was told this when I was just finding out that she had been seeking my replacement for months but it was all news to me. So I have a person standing in front of me telling me I need to move on when she was the one who had "moved on" already.

Don't believe it.

It won't trigger abandonment in her bc she has already found a replacement. That's the point. I will say that she will keep you in her rolodex and be aware of her trying to pull you back in for a recycle. They will keep you on a support leash for as long as you allow them to. I don't feel like they detach fully. I think a BPD's ability to detach is based on how effective the replacement relationship is at distracting them from their problems. Nevermind, they have left a trail of destruction behind them but "they are happy and you should move on... ." rigghhtt... .

Thank you for this Conserns. This is pretty much exactly what my ex did to me. It completely made me feel like I was the one with abandonment issues, and it totally was her trying to flip the script on me. My ex painted me as the abusive one, and even tried to convince me that I had BPD, and then I met that completely cold indifference. All while she of course went off like everything was perfect for her, and posting how happy she was all over FB. I'm still struggling to not personalize this person treating me like I was so worthless. It was really nice to read this thread and hear other ppl's experiences that are SO similar to mine. Schwing what you said was exactly my experience. My ex was so dependent upon me, it was exhausting. I would try to encourage her to have other ppl in her life, and yet the only time she was "independent" is when she threw me away like nothing. I was so shocked at how someone could be SO attached to me, and then absolutely nothing.

Haha this is what I don't understand.

[luckyclover]

"You needed to move on a long time ago and find someone for you. I moved on and I am happy"

LOL what is the name of the girl (iam not asking for it) This is the same my ex said to me. Just same day she was in a realationship on facebook with new guy and send me email with this words.

She also told me to go to hell and look in a mirror to see how ugly i am in same email.

[bAlex]

find someone else

This is not a "BPD" thing.  People say this. When someone says find someone else, it a way of punctuating that statement "I'm done".  I'm so done, it won't hurt me if your find someone else.

Wouldn't that trigger abandonment?

Abandonment fears aren't so much of being afraid you are going to be "left" - they are about living a life where one insulates themselves from the pain of being left... .

How can someone do this? They can find a substitute or keep a back-up. They can demonize you. They find some way to insulate themselves from vulnerability.

pwBPD have huge rejection sensitivities. They suffer hugely with this early in life and then develop a protective skin to insulate themselves.

When they get in deep in a relationship, they are very vulnerable to this pain and when early signs of relationship failure start to show, the protective skills go into place.

This was stated perfectly. It makes so much sense to me now.

My ex would become super sensitive if I was displeased with her in any way. She always closed up emotionally after an argument and she found it hard to "open up" to me again. She even told me this, but I never understood why she was like that and why she took small things so deeply personal. It was her way of "insulating" herself from vulnerability and perceived abandonment / hurt. Thanks Skip.