How do I set boundaries without sending her into a rage?

[Wcc101662]

I'm relatively new to the BPD community. Or, rather,i have only recently overcome my denial that my daughter has this disorder.   She's 25 and living with me.

She has recently crossed a line for me by turning her rage on my 76 year old mother. She's isn't working now because she only recently passed a licensure exam and is waiting to receive her license in the mail. She has nowhere to go and no money, but I am desperate to get some peace.

The mother in me knows she needs  a little more time but the trail of destruction is more than I can take. I know I haven't set boundaries and I know I haven't mastered the art of talking to a borderline. How do I lay down the boundaries now and get her on her way to being  independent?

I am afraid of her meanness and also her dramatic response to anything i say to her. What generally happens is she's leaves and threatens to kill herself.

I need real, practical advice on the words to use. Can anyone help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Wcc,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.  I'm sorry to learn that  your d25 is causing so much turmoil and pain in your family.  :)oes your mom also live with you and your d25?

Boundaries are very important Wcc.  So important that it takes time to determine what your boundaries are and if you are committed to setting them.  Will setting a boundary with your d25 be easy... .depends... .though probably not, especially if you haven't set any with her previously.

Here is some info on Boundaries and Limits to think on and explore further (through the link at the bottom of the page).

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm

Once you determine what boundary you want to set and defend we can help you with the wording if you need it.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and helping where I am able.

Glad you are with us!

lbj

[Mutt]

Hi Wcc101662,



I would like join lbjnltx and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'd like to add to lbjnltx's point about boundaries, some of us may of had floating boundaries our loved ones knew that if they pushed enough they would get their way. That said, if you don't set boundaries you'll feel powerless.

I would suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. Many members here have experience and can offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.


Regards,

Mutt

[ArleighBurke]

I am afraid of her meanness and also her dramatic response to anything i say to her. What generally happens is she's leaves and threatens to kill herself.

I need real, practical advice on the words to use. Can anyone help?

Boundaries are about YOU, not HER. For instance you cannot stop her being mean - but you can say if she IS mean, that YOU will go away from her.

ANY boundary you try to enforce will most probably be met with a large amount of resistance. This is normal, and should die down over time when she realises that her reacting/raging does nothing to change the situation.

What other situations do you want to change? Things that you belive you cannot accept? Does your 76yr old mum live with you as well?

[Gorges]

I have been firm about boundaries for my daughter's entire life. In fact one psychiatrist recommended that "everything is negotiable" and another told me to look the other way sometime. My daughter's reactions to boundaries has continued to be unpredictable.

[Huat]

Wise, wise post from ArleighBurke!  The boundaries are about you.  There could be boundaries that are negotiable while others are not... .like her rage against your 73-year-old-mother.  (I am a 73-year-old mother/grandmother!).  You have to make that decision.  Sometimes boundaries are made in the heat of a disagreement.  Perhaps during negotations you teach a valuable lesson to her.

[lbjnltx]

I think it is important to note here that not everyone (us, therapists, psychology books) define Boundaries the same way.

This site has taken into account many aspects of boundaries and defined them as non negotiable.  Limits are negotiable based on situations.  Boundaries are based on our values which are not negotiable and are to be equally applied and enforced across all relationships and with all people.

lbj

[Shelbers1]

I am new here and so very much relate to this post.

I, too, have finally come to the acceptance that my Son has BPD.

A psychiatrist diagnosed him in 9th grade after one hour with that diagnosis. However, since that time, we've been treating the symptoms and not the root cause. He is on meds for depression, anxiety and ADD.

As I am a single parent and my son is my only child, I've been in denial since I first heard those words. Yet, as I allow myself to reflect on the reality over the last six years, there simply is no other conclusion. So, I have set out once again to find a MD psy and a therapist who specializes in BPD and DBT - and spend hours upon hours searching, calling, trying to get an appointment, and help that's covered by his insurance.

As I begin this journey with all of you, may I ask a few questions, please. And, yes, I've been reading everything I can find and have purchased the books. - But in the meantime, does my son really really hate me as much as he says he does when he splits? He oozes anger, rage, hatred at me at every turn. He mimics my words, makes faces when I talk, gives me looks like 'you are so fxxxx-up', and most hurtful of all, shuts his bedroom door in my face and locks it -- while I am trying to talk to him.

Do you just walk away? Is there anything you can do when the splitting is full force? And why does it take so so long for it to break? For us, it is usually a full summer or a full winter break.

It. breaks. my. heart. beyond. words. that I cannot help him. He kicks holes in my walls, breaks front door glass, and last week, broke my car windshield with his fist just because I wasn't driving the 'right' way. He took my car last weekend and was gone for 3 days. I did not know where he was. He is in college. A struggling about to junior. 19 - 20 in July. He either loves me and needs me or he completely hates me with everything he has. His personality, his face, his expressions, his gestures -- everything changes like a completely different person. He calls me 'dude'  and he is being aggressively defiant: leaving the oven on, doors open, water running, refrigerator door open, food everywhere, toilet unflushed. When I approached him a few days ago, he went down into the basement and locked the door. When he was younger, I panicked, scared to death that he was going to hurt himself. I would bang the door down, in, whatever - just to get to him.  When I would finally get to him, he would be 'what the ___ is your problem'? So, this time, I didn't do any of that. I am not banging on the door. I am not begging for him to open the door. I do not know if he is in his room or not. He will not answer.

On the outside, this is a beautiful, sweet, 19 year old young man. He has recently told me how much he hates that I love him so much and that I need to get my own life. I. just. don't. know. where. to. go. with. all. this. and hope you can help me until I can get us IN for professional help. Those I've reached out to have 4-6 month waiting lists.

Finally, does anyone have any recommendation for MD, therapist, etc in the Delaware or Philadelphia area? 

Thank you.