New here. I'm still not over an exBPD GF after 3 years.

[deepfield]

Hi everyone. I am new here. I'm a 41 year old male who was in a relationship with a BPD woman from December 2012 to September 2013. What happened between us is too long to describe but I will try and make a very quick summary.

We met online and started dating things moved very quickly. She said "I love you" 2 weeks into the relationship. I, for some reason, overlooked that red flag and said "I love you" back. I was so madly in love with this woman. She is beautiful and got a lot of attention from men online. She doesn't have any friends in real life but many friends online who's she's never met. She lives online.

She broke up with me 5 times during the relationship. We were going to get married and even shopped for rings. We ended up getting an apartment together but 2 days before she was supposed to move in, she broke up with me and that's when my living hell started.

I spiraled into deep depression and I feel like I have never fully recovered. I am in therapy and it doesn't seem to really help. I have a lot of my own baggage that I am sure contributes to my difficulty in getting over my ex.

My problem is I am not completely over her after 3 years. To top it off, she just unblocked me from Facebook after 2 years. In a weak moment, I messaged her but I have not heard back. I don't even know if she's read the message because I deleted it. It was driving me crazy to see if she had read the message or not. She hadn't read it when I did delete it.

I am leaving a lot out to keep things concise. I did some things after the break up that I regret. We even tried to reconcile but she did not want any of my help. Then she suddenly stopped communicating with me.

I am coming here because I am almost desperate to fully detach from this woman and to get my old self back. I don't think I ever fully recovered. My confidence was shattered and is not at a place where I'd like to be.

Am I being too hard on myself? SHouldn't I be over this woman after 3 years and a 10 month relationship? Sometimes I feel I have PTSD. And now that I see she unblocked me, I have been thinking about her even more. 

Logically I know all the bad things she did to me and how we are not compatible but I have never been able to shake off the good times I had with her because they felt like some of the best times of my life.

What more can I do?

Thanks in advance.

[bAlex]

Hi deepfield, welcome.

I'm sorry to read this. My story is similar to yours, also took me a little longer that 3 years to find some sort of peace, as the breakup was incredibly painful. Admittedly I'm not quite where I want to be concerning detachment, it's a work in progress, but I believe I'm getting close.

I suggest you start with the 5 stages of detachment found here on the right - - - - -           - - - - -       - - - -      - - - >

Also, for me I found out that I was doing a lot of stuff that kept me stuck. Detaching starts with a decision, you need to want to get out of pain and get your life back. That was my biggest problem, I didn't want to let go. But there really is no other alternative. Hope can keep you stuck.

Some suggestions that helped me :

getting off social media (or deleting her), stop any cyber stalking, going NC, not dwelling on good memories, focusing on you, not looking at photos of her or the two of you (or deleting them). And posting questions and experiences here to gain a different perspective and gain better understanding of the disorder.

Also, making a list of all the negative aspects of the relationship and her and only focusing on that helps a lot. When you start to miss her, go back to the list, read it and ask yourself honestly it that's what you truly want. You'll feel better. Also add legitimate reasons to that list as to why that relationship can't work, why it failed etc.

It's also important to ask yourself the right questions and get clear on what you want. What's your idea of a perfect relationship? What do you deserve? Would she make a good wife / mother? Is she trustworthy? What would make you leave any woman? What behaviour would you find unacceptable in a partner? Was she able to solve problems in a mature manner? Do you really believe there's a future with a partner who has BPD? etc. Write that down too, answer honestly, go back to those lists often and keep adding to them.

If you don't mind me asking, what is so compelling about her that makes moving on so difficult?

[steelwork]

deepfield, I'm only about half as far out of the r/s as you, and I'm already completely sick of the unbidden thoughts of him, the way things trigger me, the ruminations that will occupy me if I don't forcefully turn my mind to something else. I feel you.

I've seen people here go through detaching in such different ways, and I don't know if one method is "better" than another. Anger seems to be an important stage for some people, for instance, and I just never can sustain much of that. So I'm hesitant to say, "Here, deepfield. This is what you do."

So what can you do right now? Well, have you read the lessons (over on the right --->?

And this link might be really important, given your situation:

"10 Beliefs that can you get stuck"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264


Also: would you like to tell us what you regret about your actions after the breakup? It's common to have regrets, huge and persistent ones. But how much power do you really think you had over the outcome?  That's where learning more about BPD might be helpful.

[Mutt]

Hi deepfield,



I'd like to join bAlex and steelworks and welcome you.

Also, for me I found out that I was doing a lot of stuff that kept me stuck. Detaching starts with a decision, you need to want to get out of pain and get your life back. That was my biggest problem, I didn't want to let go. But there really is no other alternative. Hope can keep you stuck.

You mentioned how you remembered the good times. I recall hoping that the woman that i met at first that idealized me was going to come back because  my exBPDw was getting more and more miserable. I was still wishing that she'd return at the worst stage of of our relationship ) the devaluation phase.

We have to let go of the ideal that our exes are going to return to a permanent idealization phase. I feel like that hope keeps us stuck. I never thought that I would get off that emotional rollercoaster but the lessons to the right of the board that bAlex and steelwork pointed out is a path that works with letting go of an ex with traits of borderline personality.

I've seen people here go through detaching in such different ways, and I don't know if one method is "better" than another. Anger seems to be an important stage for some people, for instance, and I just never can sustain much of that. So I'm hesitant to say, "Here, deepfield. This is what you do."

steelwork is right that we all heal differently and there's no time frame when we reach acceptance. We may go through the cycles of grieving in any order and sometimes go through the stages more than once.

This is a place where you can share your experiences with people that have walked a mile in your shoes and help you with guidance and support. You'll find that you'll fit in here. You're not alone. I'm happy to hear that you're seeing a T ( therapist ) and sorry to hear that you're finding difficult, it helps to see a T concurrently with a support group. It's therapeutic to write and many of us arrived here with a lot on their chest because BPD is an invisible disorder and it's directed at the people that are closest to a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) it's hard to explain to family and friends what we've gone through, we may look like the crazy ones. Come back and share your stir with us. There is hope.


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[deepfield]

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. I wanted to respond to your messages in one post but I don't see how to do multiple quotes in one post.

Hi deepfield, welcome.

I'm sorry to read this. My story is similar to yours, also took me a little longer that 3 years to find some sort of peace, as the breakup was incredibly painful. Admittedly I'm not quite where I want to be concerning detachment, it's a work in progress, but I believe I'm getting close.

I suggest you start with the 5 stages of detachment found here on the right - - - - -           - - - - -       - - - -      - - - >

Also, for me I found out that I was doing a lot of stuff that kept me stuck. Detaching starts with a decision, you need to want to get out of pain and get your life back. That was my biggest problem, I didn't want to let go. But there really is no other alternative. Hope can keep you stuck.

Some suggestions that helped me :

getting off social media (or deleting her), stop any cyber stalking, going NC, not dwelling on good memories, focusing on you, not looking at photos of her or the two of you (or deleting them). And posting questions and experiences here to gain a different perspective and gain better understanding of the disorder.

Also, making a list of all the negative aspects of the relationship and her and only focusing on that helps a lot. When you start to miss her, go back to the list, read it and ask yourself honestly it that's what you truly want. You'll feel better. Also add legitimate reasons to that list as to why that relationship can't work, why it failed etc.

It's also important to ask yourself the right questions and get clear on what you want. What's your idea of a perfect relationship? What do you deserve? Would she make a good wife / mother? Is she trustworthy? What would make you leave any woman? What behaviour would you find unacceptable in a partner? Was she able to solve problems in a mature manner? Do you really believe there's a future with a partner who has BPD? etc. Write that down too, answer honestly, go back to those lists often and keep adding to them.

If you don't mind me asking, what is so compelling about her that makes moving on so difficult?

I have been blocked by her again on Facebook last night. I guess she didn't want to hear from me but I still don't know why I was unblocked to begin with.

I've tried similar things like the 5 stages of Detachment and I am in therapy. I just can't seem to get unstuck. Logically, I know what I need to do but I feel that emotionally, I can't seem to get what I need to get done. My emotions are keeping me stuck.

I've tried doing the negative list too, but again, it works temporarily. I have not found a long term and sustainable method of completely moving on from this woman.

No, I don't think she would make a good mother and in fact, she wasn't a very good GF. She never respected my boundaries and she made me think I was paranoid and insecure because she always had thirsty guys trying to get her attention and she never told them to back off b/c she was in a relationship. Even knowing all of this, I still can't seem to get over her.

What makes her so compelling are a few things: 1. she's very pretty. 2. I'm half-Korean and she's white but she loved Korean culture. I never dated a woman who was so into that kind of thing. 3. She's actually really smart 4. She's artsy - she basically checked off most of the boxes that I was looking for except of the bad things about her.

[deepfield]

deepfield, I'm only about half as far out of the r/s as you, and I'm already completely sick of the unbidden thoughts of him, the way things trigger me, the ruminations that will occupy me if I don't forcefully turn my mind to something else. I feel you.

I've seen people here go through detaching in such different ways, and I don't know if one method is "better" than another. Anger seems to be an important stage for some people, for instance, and I just never can sustain much of that. So I'm hesitant to say, "Here, deepfield. This is what you do."

So what can you do right now? Well, have you read the lessons (over on the right --->?

And this link might be really important, given your situation:

"10 Beliefs that can you get stuck"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264


Also: would you like to tell us what you regret about your actions after the breakup? It's common to have regrets, huge and persistent ones. But how much power do you really think you had over the outcome?  That's where learning more about BPD might be helpful.

Well, I am a bit ashamed of what I did after the break up. As I mentioned before, my ex is very attractive. Although she never really left the house, she lived her life online and is all over social media. She would post a lot of pictures of herself and would get a lot of attention from other guys. It was clear to me that these guys would get in her pants if she let them. I tried to tell her that she was enabling these guys and she would call me paranoid and insecure.

So, I figured out what her passwords were to her Facebook and Gmail accounts and lo and behold, I was right. She wouldn't tell these guys to back off because she's in a relationship. She actually had one guy ask her out for a drink, someone she had briefly dated before, and she told them that I wouldn't like it.

She also had this one "friend" - I don't know what to call him. He lives in Chicago and they've known each other for over 10 years. They had been intimate about a year before I met my ex and they tried to be together but it didn't work out for some reason. That being said, she called him her "online BFF" and would talk chat with him every day, almost all day. Their relationship was uncomfortable to me and I always suspected there was something more than them being "just friends". What I found out when I got into her accounts were all these conversations about sex and he would bring up the times they had sex together. Their conversations were clearly not between 2 people that were "just friends".

So anyway, I am not really proud of what I did but at the same time, I was justified in all my suspicions that she made me feel like I was being insecure and paranoid.

[deepfield]

Hi deepfield,



I'd like to join bAlex and steelworks and welcome you.

Also, for me I found out that I was doing a lot of stuff that kept me stuck. Detaching starts with a decision, you need to want to get out of pain and get your life back. That was my biggest problem, I didn't want to let go. But there really is no other alternative. Hope can keep you stuck.

You mentioned how you remembered the good times. I recall hoping that the woman that i met at first that idealized me was going to come back because  my exBPDw was getting more and more miserable. I was still wishing that she'd return at the worst stage of of our relationship ) the devaluation phase.

We have to let go of the ideal that our exes are going to return to a permanent idealization phase. I feel like that hope keeps us stuck. I never thought that I would get off that emotional rollercoaster but the lessons to the right of the board that bAlex and steelwork pointed out is a path that works with letting go of an ex with traits of borderline personality.

I've seen people here go through detaching in such different ways, and I don't know if one method is "better" than another. Anger seems to be an important stage for some people, for instance, and I just never can sustain much of that. So I'm hesitant to say, "Here, deepfield. This is what you do."

steelwork is right that we all heal differently and there's no time frame when we reach acceptance. We may go through the cycles of grieving in any order and sometimes go through the stages more than once.

This is a place where you can share your experiences with people that have walked a mile in your shoes and help you with guidance and support. You'll find that you'll fit in here. You're not alone. I'm happy to hear that you're seeing a T ( therapist ) and sorry to hear that you're finding difficult, it helps to see a T concurrently with a support group. It's therapeutic to write and many of us arrived here with a lot on their chest because BPD is an invisible disorder and it's directed at the people that are closest to a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) it's hard to explain to family and friends what we've gone through, we may look like the crazy ones. Come back and share your stir with us. There is hope.


Hang in there.


----Mutt

Hey Mutt, thanks for the welcome.

You're right, I have to make a decision to get unstuck. The thing is, I thought I had made that decision a few times. But I keep getting back into the place where I don't want to be. Maybe it's easier being stuck than trying to get unstuck.

Like I've mentioned before, my logical part knows everything I need to do and what is reality but my heart just refuses to accept things as they are.

[steelwork]

So you have the self-awareness and ethics and sensitivity to regret having violated her privacy. It dosen't sound like this is something you've done in the past, but if it is, you at least know it's wrong, and I don't hear you justifying it to yourself. All excellent signs that you've learned your lesson. Also, consider this: some people thrive on drama. Some relationships thrive on it! You end up acting in ways that aren't consistent with your values. (I know, believe me.) You take on the problematic behaviors of your SO. When they are behaviors common to pwBPD, they call those "fleas" around here. You picked up "fleas." I sort of don't like the term, because it doesn't encourage self-reflection so much, but it's true that there's usually a lot of bad behavior on both sides when a relationship is that unhealthy.

So, it sounds like she was perfect on paper, sort of. Interested in Korean culture and really attractive. Seems like that wasn't enough to make her right for you. Someone who makes you feel this awful is by definition not right for you.

By the way, here is a pdf with the full texts of those "10 beliefs that keep you stuck":

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

Take a look in particular at:

1. Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

and

3. Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

What do you think--ring any bells?

[steelwork]

Quick thought: is it possible that some of her interest in Korean culture was exaggerated on your behalf: Not, like, to trick you, but because she wanted to bond with you?

[bAlex]

I get it man, I really do, but in the end you gotta be willing to do the work required to let this go. Surrender hope. Until the time comes when you decide enough is enough and you refuse to accept a life of living hell this won't end. Trust me. It's hard, but there is no alternative is there?