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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: This article made me sad  (Read 512 times)
roberto516
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: June 10, 2017, 04:46:33 PM »

https://pairedlife.com/relationships/Why-falling-out-of-love-should-not-be-the-end-of-your-relationship

In summary, the article talks about how all relationships start with the infatuation and then the biology (oxytocin) and then the conflict and then real intimacy. It talks about how at the conflict stage many people just give up without seeing that once those dark clouds are worked through the sun shines on the relationship and a real love is able to blossom. Not a love based on infatuation or brain chemicals.

It made me sad because each and everyone of us were with someone who never had a moments notice to want to deal with any conflict to see it through. We were with people who saw it as "my way or the highway". Any relationship problems would have to be our fault. We were with people who weren't able to process their thoughts and emotions in a healthy way to be able to identify the conflict and work on conflict resolution. We were basically doomed from the start unless we were able to keep them in the infatuation, biological love phase.

I believe people with BPD are addicted to the high of the initial relationship. Just like we were. However, I believe I speak for everyone, when the conflict began to appear we all tried harder. Each and everyone of us is capable of true love but we chose people who just weren't able to ever get to the real intimacy of a relationship.

The one positive is that knowing this now will help me stay away from future relationships like this. It just stinks that the pain has to be felt so much, and the loss of all self-esteem, emotional worth, and well being has to take place from a relationship like this.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2017, 05:00:07 PM »

Hi roberto,

Thanks for this post.  It means the world to me because you have absolutely summed up exactly what has been the worst, most difficult and painful thing for me to cope with, both during the relationship and now.  Which is the fact that I KNOW we could have made it if he'd gotten the help and done the therapy to be able to learn how to relate.  I always felt that we had the potential to reach this point of genuine long lasting love if he were CAPABLE of moving through that phase and progressing to the other side of it, but he is held back and it's so heartbreaking to see him stuck in that place, unable to find a way through it.  Instead he will repeat endlessly the same cycle until I only hope some day he actually does the work that we tried so hard to get started and learns the necessary skills.

I also absorbed something saddening today, in a similar vein.  It was the video on this site about BPD recovery.  It features 3 recovered pwBPD and whilst filled with hope for others I felt deeply hurt by the fact that it is too late for me now.  My turn is over.  If and when he ever does the therapy and sees it through it will be someone else who benefits.  Heartbreaking.  Still, if I in any way helped to point him on that path to future happiness I feel satisfied that my role in his life wasn't for nothing other than to be one of and endless stream of reinforcing abandonments to him.

Going for a lovely soak in the bath now to soothe myself and do myself a kindness.  Best option as there is no cake here!

Love and light x   
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We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
roberto516
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« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2017, 05:16:54 PM »

I also absorbed something saddening today, in a similar vein.  It was the video on this site about BPD recovery.  It features 3 recovered pwBPD and whilst filled with hope for others I felt deeply hurt by the fact that it is too late for me now.  My turn is over.  If and when he ever does the therapy and sees it through it will be someone else who benefits.  Heartbreaking.  Still, if I in any way helped to point him on that path to future happiness I feel satisfied that my role in his life wasn't for nothing other than to be one of and endless stream of reinforcing abandonments to him.

I feel this all too much as well. A part of me hopes that she gets better. A part of me hopes that my brutal honesty about possible traits she has, abandonment issues, running from fears, etc. will sink in for her and her next relationship will be her last. But a part of me doesn't want that. It makes me sad to think I also lost my chance. It's sad to know, as you, that all it had to take was just a little bit of mutual work and then things could have worked out. But you can lead a horse to water as they say.

It pains me because she is "working on herself" although I do believe she is lining someone else up. But by working on herself she is running from the pain and fears. She is staying in control of her situation. I realize that my life is out of control right now. And I hate to not be in control. But I'm trying to embrace it. Thanks for your comment. Because I am struggling at times with the exact same pain. A part of me regrets being so brutally honest with her after the breakup because I just planted in her a seed where she might succeed with the next one. And I hold my head up high that I never did abandon her like your situation. I continued to help her despite it being against my best wishes or for my mental well being. I hope she can look back and say "Maybe not everyone will leave me" and base it off our relationship.

But that's not me. I won't hold ill will. If I truly loved her I'll be happy for her at the end of the day.

I guess the real sad thing is all the research that suggests that our brains neural connections harden after about age 30. Our personalities kind of become set in stone. It doesn't mean our behaviors can't change. Just look at a recovering alcoholic who gets it at age 50 finally. But who they are, how they respond to stress, how they respond to emotions, etc. kind of is locked in. I guess that makes it very, very difficult for a BPD to change. My ex will be 36 in August. It takes harder work to change the behavior than it would be to work on a relationship. So the future is probably bleak no matter how happy they want the world to think they are.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Sluggo
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« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2017, 10:14:25 PM »

Yes I know what you both are saying about that hope.  I would see glimpses of it over my marriage.  However, that was what I fell in love with was the hope.  I fell in love with what I wanted are relationship to be like.  Using a metaphor of playing the slot machine, just one more pull then I will leave if I don't hit. 

I have read there was a study with children where they tested the reward concept.  If the child always got a reward when they made their bed, then after a while they would not be motivated and engaged and would not make their bed as often.  However, when the parent only gave the reward in various random order when they made their bed, the kids tried harder and seldom missed making of the bed. 

Their theory was that when rewards were random and unexpected, then that tied them to keep the same behaviors. 

I took this thought and applied it to my marriage.  If I would do 'x or y' for my wife, sometimes she would explode and other times she wouldn't.  Or if I did 'j or k' and sometimes she would treat me like a king afterwards and other times would not even notice.  That uncertainty of the outcome would keep me more focused on the activities.  That is, I would keep repeating my behavior as I really never knew what would happen.  I would think maybe this time it would work... .and it maybe it would for a while. 

Just like that person pulling the lever on the slot machine... .  let me try one more time.   I kept repeating the cycle hoping for a different outcome that would last. 
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