Facing the Demon

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not really sure where to start. Like everyone here, I could write a novel on my experience with an ex that I now know has untreated BPD/NPD. After 3 years of abuse (physical and emotional) and manipulation that nearly drove me insane, I came home to find the locks changed on the apartment and all of my things outside. I was told that she had "moved on" and that I "needed to move on too." I discovered that she had been fostering my replacement and cheating for several months under my nose. As I tell my friends and family, there were more red flags than a Chinese military parade, but I always defended her and justified her actions.

She accused me of cheating because I texted "happy birthday" and some encouraging words to a female employee several months earlier (bearing in mind that she had several outside relationships over 3 years and that I talk to all of my employees that way.) This was her justification for what she was doing/had done. She ditched me a few days before my birthday and within 3 weeks, she was blowing up social media with pictures of her and my replacement. This from a "woman" who had always said she didn't believe in putting her relationships on social media. She refused to ever post pictures of us together and prohibited me from doing so. Now she was online in front of all of our friends and family showing her affection and calling him "her favorite." It was utterly humiliating and ripped me to pieces. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

I gave this "woman" everything I had for 4 years. I helped her get work, get into school, and get her life on a really great track. I did everything I could to make her happy. We traveled the world, I bought her gifts, I gave her all the affection I could, I gave up friends and alienated my family, I bought her flowers almost every week, I took the brunt of her abuse, and I let her charm me probably 20 times. The last time was in February when I left her after she called my daughter a "whore," my mom a "b___," and my 3 kids "ugly little rats." I had begun pushing back against her abuse and trying to take my life back. I began spending time with friends that she had demanded I not see. I had begun playing golf again and trying to do things alone to restore my sanity. She obviously was not going to accept this independent behavior and started what I now know were "detachment" procedures. Me, being the weak fool that I am, took her back around Valentines Day when she used FOG to charm me one last time. While she faked our relationship everyday, she was behind my back setting up her replacement, destroying my credibility with her friends and family, and planning her exit strategy. I've heard the analogy that it is like a "hit and run" when a BPD/NPD drops you. It comes out of nowhere and you are left utterly confused and broken. Obviously I had a lot of harsh things to say to her when I came home to the locks changed (which I'm sure was part of her plan so she could make me the monster to her family and friends). She used all of it against me to blame me for everything. She said that I had destroyed her self esteem and made her really depressed by constantly calling her out on her detestable behavior. She needed to "go try and be happy with someone else." She needed to "restore her self esteem." She needed to find someone who "hadn't seen her dark side and still thought of her as perfect instead of the monster I saw." She completely pushed me out and would only periodically answer my many, many questions with short answers and empty apologies like "I'm sorry for everything." After about a week, she invited me over. I fell for it again. She was very cold and callous, while still giving me a lot (or taking a lot) of physical affection. I only did it because I thought I could get some closure. At the end of the day, she pushed me out the door and I haven't seen her or talked to her since.

Some of the general abuses I suffered at her hand were:

Physical assault over small things;

Inappropriate interactions with her gay male friend (texting/snap-chatting all the time, posting pictures of each other together, going out together, running to him whenever I upset her, talking about other men to him behind my back, having him sleep over, spreading horrible lies about me, etc... );

Constant verbal assaults on my friends and family. She painted everyone I knew black as night;

Absolute sexual control. I was allowed to give her affection as often as possible (which was never enough), but sex was on her terms and I was prohibited from looking at any other women under any circumstances. I had to close my eyes and look away if there was any sexual/nude image on the TV until she told me I could look. God help me if I picked out the movie/TV show with the nudity. She once beat the ___ out of me (she waited until we got to the car) for glancing at a picture of a girl in lingerie in a magazine SHE was looking at! Despite her "standards," she could do whatever she wanted and look at whatever she wanted to because she "wasn't a pervert like me." She was hyper sexual, but would typically wouldn't have any interest in me. She was always pretty open and callous about it. When she was with me sexually, it was rarely about me and always about her;

Constant verbal abuse. She would call me an idiot, a b___, a crybaby, a liar, a cheater, a woman, a pervert, selfish, a failure, and anything else that would cut me down depending on the situation. She would laugh at me and demean me constantly. She would push every button I had and exploited my weaknesses. If I planned trips with my children she would refuse to go, but would berate me and make me feel guilty the whole time for “spoiling them and wasting money on a trip that we could have gone on.” She kept me from seeing my daughter in the hospital when she began cutting because of all the stress caused by the divorce. She told me I was "a weak little b___" and that "I was an idiot if I went to see her."

I was never allowed to share my feelings with her. My feelings never mattered and would be dismissed and insulted immediately. She would use phrases like "I want a MAN who isn't emotional all the time." She would sit and insult me for no reason for everything from my looks, to how I chewed, to how I never did anything around the house. If I did try to talk to her, she would just roll her eyes and get on her phone. She would poke and poke at me and then blame me when I got upset. She knew that I was abused as a kid and my dad did the same thing. She would corner me and berate me.

She had zero trust. She was judge, jury, and executioner and I was always guilty, sentenced, and executed before I even had a chance to defend myself. I remember a time I went to get the mail and decided to take a short walk. I was gone maybe 10 minutes at most. As I was walking back toward the apartment in the parking lot, she came flying up in her car, slammed on the brakes, and started yelling at me out the window. "where the fu*% were you? Who are you talking to?" She truly believed that I had snuck off to talk to another woman. I had to turn over my phone so that she could search it. She found nothing, but it didn't matter. I had simply deleted the evidence according to her. I got put on punishment for about the next week. It was my fault for always being “Shady.” I always had to answer her calls or text her back immediately or face the harsh consequences.

She believed that I was looking at every woman within a 5-mile radius. She would say “She’s your type! I bet you were looking at her!” I would of course ask “what the hell are you even talking about?” which would always get me “Don’t pretend you don’t know you fu*%ing lying pervert!” I still honestly have no idea what she was talking about. One of the many times was on a cruise ship. There were hundreds of women everywhere. It was a no win situation (which I found myself in often.) I know that it was all projection, but it was such a frustrating situation. I was always on defense. She wouldn’t let me go to places where there would be “whores” because she “didn’t want to have to watch me looking at women all night.” She would usually go out with her gay friend instead. That way she could receive all the attention she wanted without me interfering. If she "let me" go, I was to be on my best behavior and not "ruin her night." She complained bitterly whenever she had to attend something of mine and made sure I did not have a good time.

I could go on and on for a hundred pages. The question I received from friends and family who watched me get abused for 3 years was “why? Why didn’t you leave? Why would you let her do that to you?” I am almost 40 years old. I was in the military, have 2 degrees, had a wife (until this demon of a woman mind-fu*&ed me into divorcing her), had a nice house, have 3 kids, and have an executive position at a prestigious employer. I have met presidents, famous people, and influential figures. All of these things actually got me more insults and belittling comments. She was younger than me and always said I was trying to “talk down to her and brag about myself.” She would make fun of my house a (which went into foreclosure) and forced me to say awful things to my ex wife throughout the divorce. Anyone that has found this site likely knows why we come back and why we stay. It’s nothing I can explain to people who haven’t suffered the abuse. It defies logic. I just thank God that I found this site and sites like this. I would have gone insane without it, feeling totally isolated and alone. Now I know that it wasn’t my fault and there’s nothing I could have done. I just have to accept that I was conned by a sick sadistic person. My friend calls it “sunk cost.” I’ll never get that time back and I will never fully recover from this. I am seeing a therapist, have gone on medication, had to work with employee assistance at work, and I am attending a BPD survivor group. I’m mostly just embarrassed and live with a lot of regret for my kids.

This has fundamentally wounded me and changed me as a person. I have tried to date again and move on, but I feel frozen in time. My hands shake constantly, I’ve lost about 15 pounds, I have trouble concentrating, I can’t sleep more than a few hours, and I feel a constant tightness in my chest. I pray every day that this pain will go away. It’s like a dark cloud that follows me everywhere. I’ve never felt this before and I did 2 tours in a combat zone! The worst part of all of it is that she’s off with this other guy giving him everything she denied me for the "better" part of 3 years. I know, thankfully, it’s just a love bomb and this guy is a huge douche, so it won’t end well for either of them. Unfortunately, I will likely never know as I am in a strict NC zone. I still get weird phone calls at all hours from unknown numbers and saw the pictures and comments with them together before I went NC. I just don’t understand how someone could be so cold to not only ditch me the way she did, but then continue to punish me and torture me when we aren’t even together. I, like many here, have seen this demon face to face and I have seen the dark emptiness behind her eyes. The image will forever be burned into my brain.

[swampgas95]

I'm not really sure where to start. Like everyone here, I could write a novel on my experience with an ex that I now know has untreated BPD/NPD. After 3 years of abuse (physical and emotional) and manipulation that nearly drove me insane, I came home to find the locks changed on the apartment and all of my things outside. I was told that she had "moved on" and that I "needed to move on too." I discovered that she had been fostering my replacement and cheating for several months under my nose. As I tell my friends and family, there were more red flags than a Chinese military parade, but I always defended her and justified her actions.

She accused me of cheating because I texted "happy birthday" and some encouraging words to a female employee several months earlier (bearing in mind that she had several outside relationships over 3 years and that I talk to all of my employees that way.) This was her justification for what she was doing/had done. She ditched me a few days before my birthday and within 3 weeks, she was blowing up social media with pictures of her and my replacement. This from a "woman" who had always said she didn't believe in putting her relationships on social media. She refused to ever post pictures of us together and prohibited me from doing so. Now she was online in front of all of our friends and family showing her affection and calling him "her favorite." It was utterly humiliating and ripped me to pieces. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

I gave this "woman" everything I had for 4 years. I helped her get work, get into school, and get her life on a really great track. I did everything I could to make her happy. We traveled the world, I bought her gifts, I gave her all the affection I could, I gave up friends and alienated my family, I bought her flowers almost every week, I took the brunt of her abuse, and I let her charm me probably 20 times. The last time was in February when I left her after she called my daughter a "whore," my mom a "b___," and my 3 kids "ugly little rats." I had begun pushing back against her abuse and trying to take my life back. I began spending time with friends that she had demanded I not see. I had begun playing golf again and trying to do things alone to restore my sanity. She obviously was not going to accept this independent behavior and started what I now know were "detachment" procedures. Me, being the weak fool that I am, took her back around Valentines Day when she used FOG to charm me one last time. While she faked our relationship everyday, she was behind my back setting up her replacement, destroying my credibility with her friends and family, and planning her exit strategy. I've heard the analogy that it is like a "hit and run" when a BPD/NPD drops you. It comes out of nowhere and you are left utterly confused and broken. Obviously I had a lot of harsh things to say to her when I came home to the locks changed (which I'm sure was part of her plan so she could make me the monster to her family and friends). She used all of it against me to blame me for everything. She said that I had destroyed her self esteem and made her really depressed by constantly calling her out on her detestable behavior. She needed to "go try and be happy with someone else." She needed to "restore her self esteem." She needed to find someone who "hadn't seen her dark side and still thought of her as perfect instead of the monster I saw." She completely pushed me out and would only periodically answer my many, many questions with short answers and empty apologies like "I'm sorry for everything." After about a week, she invited me over. I fell for it again. She was very cold and callous, while still giving me a lot (or taking a lot) of physical affection. I only did it because I thought I could get some closure. At the end of the day, she pushed me out the door and I haven't seen her or talked to her since.

Some of the general abuses I suffered at her hand were:

Physical assault over small things;

Inappropriate interactions with her gay male friend (texting/snap-chatting all the time, posting pictures of each other together, going out together, running to him whenever I upset her, talking about other men to him behind my back, having him sleep over, spreading horrible lies about me, etc... );

Constant verbal assaults on my friends and family. She painted everyone I knew black as night;

Absolute sexual control. I was allowed to give her affection as often as possible (which was never enough), but sex was on her terms and I was prohibited from looking at any other women under any circumstances. I had to close my eyes and look away if there was any sexual/nude image on the TV until she told me I could look. God help me if I picked out the movie/TV show with the nudity. She once beat the ___ out of me (she waited until we got to the car) for glancing at a picture of a girl in lingerie in a magazine SHE was looking at! Despite her "standards," she could do whatever she wanted and look at whatever she wanted to because she "wasn't a pervert like me." She was hyper sexual, but would typically wouldn't have any interest in me. She was always pretty open and callous about it. When she was with me sexually, it was rarely about me and always about her;

Constant verbal abuse. She would call me an idiot, a b___, a crybaby, a liar, a cheater, a woman, a pervert, selfish, a failure, and anything else that would cut me down depending on the situation. She would laugh at me and demean me constantly. She would push every button I had and exploited my weaknesses. If I planned trips with my children she would refuse to go, but would berate me and make me feel guilty the whole time for “spoiling them and wasting money on a trip that we could have gone on.” She kept me from seeing my daughter in the hospital when she began cutting because of all the stress caused by the divorce. She told me I was "a weak little b___" and that "I was an idiot if I went to see her."

I was never allowed to share my feelings with her. My feelings never mattered and would be dismissed and insulted immediately. She would use phrases like "I want a MAN who isn't emotional all the time." She would sit and insult me for no reason for everything from my looks, to how I chewed, to how I never did anything around the house. If I did try to talk to her, she would just roll her eyes and get on her phone. She would poke and poke at me and then blame me when I got upset. She knew that I was abused as a kid and my dad did the same thing. She would corner me and berate me.

She had zero trust. She was judge, jury, and executioner and I was always guilty, sentenced, and executed before I even had a chance to defend myself. I remember a time I went to get the mail and decided to take a short walk. I was gone maybe 10 minutes at most. As I was walking back toward the apartment in the parking lot, she came flying up in her car, slammed on the brakes, and started yelling at me out the window. "where the fu*% were you? Who are you talking to?" She truly believed that I had snuck off to talk to another woman. I had to turn over my phone so that she could search it. She found nothing, but it didn't matter. I had simply deleted the evidence according to her. I got put on punishment for about the next week. It was my fault for always being “Shady.” I always had to answer her calls or text her back immediately or face the harsh consequences.

She believed that I was looking at every woman within a 5-mile radius. She would say “She’s your type! I bet you were looking at her!” I would of course ask “what the hell are you even talking about?” which would always get me “Don’t pretend you don’t know you fu*%ing lying pervert!” I still honestly have no idea what she was talking about. One of the many times was on a cruise ship. There were hundreds of women everywhere. It was a no win situation (which I found myself in often.) I know that it was all projection, but it was such a frustrating situation. I was always on defense. She wouldn’t let me go to places where there would be “whores” because she “didn’t want to have to watch me looking at women all night.” She would usually go out with her gay friend instead. That way she could receive all the attention she wanted without me interfering. If she "let me" go, I was to be on my best behavior and not "ruin her night." She complained bitterly whenever she had to attend something of mine and made sure I did not have a good time.

I could go on and on for a hundred pages. The question I received from friends and family who watched me get abused for 3 years was “why? Why didn’t you leave? Why would you let her do that to you?” I am almost 40 years old. I was in the military, have 2 degrees, had a wife (until this demon of a woman mind-fu*&ed me into divorcing her), had a nice house, have 3 kids, and have an executive position at a prestigious employer. I have met presidents, famous people, and influential figures. All of these things actually got me more insults and belittling comments. She was younger than me and always said I was trying to “talk down to her and brag about myself.” She would make fun of my house a (which went into foreclosure) and forced me to say awful things to my ex wife throughout the divorce. Anyone that has found this site likely knows why we come back and why we stay. It’s nothing I can explain to people who haven’t suffered the abuse. It defies logic. I just thank God that I found this site and sites like this. I would have gone insane without it, feeling totally isolated and alone. Now I know that it wasn’t my fault and there’s nothing I could have done. I just have to accept that I was conned by a sick sadistic person. My friend calls it “sunk cost.” I’ll never get that time back and I will never fully recover from this. I am seeing a therapist, have gone on medication, had to work with employee assistance at work, and I am attending a BPD survivor group. I’m mostly just embarrassed and live with a lot of regret for my kids.

This has fundamentally wounded me and changed me as a person. I have tried to date again and move on, but I feel frozen in time. My hands shake constantly, I’ve lost about 15 pounds, I have trouble concentrating, I can’t sleep more than a few hours, and I feel a constant tightness in my chest. I pray every day that this pain will go away. It’s like a dark cloud that follows me everywhere. I’ve never felt this before and I did 2 tours in a combat zone! The worst part of all of it is that she’s off with this other guy giving him everything she denied me for the "better" part of 3 years. I know, thankfully, it’s just a love bomb and this guy is a huge douche, so it won’t end well for either of them. Unfortunately, I will likely never know as I am in a strict NC zone. I still get weird phone calls at all hours from unknown numbers and saw the pictures and comments with them together before I went NC. I just don’t understand how someone could be so cold to not only ditch me the way she did, but then continue to punish me and torture me when we aren’t even together. I, like many here, have seen this demon face to face and I have seen the dark emptiness behind her eyes. The image will forever be burned into my brain.

[Meili]

For what it's worth, I'm truly sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

As you said, many people on this board have experienced similar situations to the one that you describe and would have trouble answering when asked why we stayed.

Much of what you posted resonated with me, and I could have (and indeed, might have!) written something exactly like it. OK, so I haven't met presidents, etc, but I was conned by a pretty woman who treated me like no one else ever had, and then took it all away. After that, she'd just dangle promises in front of me to keep me coming back for more. It was painful and maddening.

I read a lot of anger in your post, which is good (and something I've not been able to achieve). I hope that you can use that anger to protect yourself from further abuse and propel yourself to a better place.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey swampgas95, Welcome!  We get it.  Perhaps it would be helpful to regard yourself as someone going through withdrawal symptoms, akin to breaking a drug addiction, so your symptoms are normal and to be expected.  Indeed, there is much about a BPD r/s that is similar to a substance abuse habit, i.e., we keep coming back for more even when we know it's bad for us.  Many of us have experienced the same thing so you are not alone.  The starting point, in my view, is learning to take better care of oneself and figuring out what you won't tolerate in a future r/s.

LuckyJim

[swampgas95]

Thank you for the feedback and encouraging words. I'm learning as much as I can and trying to make sure I'm always falling forward. It has been a tough few weeks, but I know there's someone better for me out there once I do some work on myself. I actually have my oldest daughter (17) to thank for waking me up. I brought her and her boyfriend on a trip and was able to observe what a normal relationship looked like again. She isolated and brainwashed me so much that I had forgotten. It was after returning from that trip that I put my foot down and demanded to be treated with decency and respect (for which I was mocked and laughed at). My only mistake was not walking away and never looking back.

Although I did let her charm me one last time, I've read that it may not be a bad thing for them to move on to their next victim and leave you believing it was on their terms. That should keep her occupied at least long enough for me to make some progress in my recovery. I'd probably give this guy a big hug if I ever met him for taking this burden from me. They were high school friends and I know this poor ass has no idea what's in store for him. If I'm completely honest, I would probably let her in if she knocked on my door today and that scares the sh%* out of me. Part of me just wants to put that needle back in my arm so the pain will go away (which is only temporary and was literally destroying my life). I'm just reading as much as I can and building up my defenses for the day when she realizes that this guy's grass is definitely not greener and that I was probably one of the most patient, understanding, and forgiving men on earth. I won't be a food source for this vampire anymore. Keep up the good work. You are saving lives on this site.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey swampgas, yes, there is someone better for you out there.  Sure, we all could/should have walked away sooner, but there is something about a BPD r/s that keeps us stuck, even though it's toxic.  You seem to have a good understanding of the BPD dynamic, which gives you a big advantage over most.  You probably will hear from her again, so be prepared.  I appreciate your honesty that you would probably let her in.  This is where boundaries come in, so that she doesn't return and walk all over you.  It might be helpful for you to do some reading on this site about boundaries, which can make all the difference.  I should know, because I lacked boundaries when I married my BPDxW and paid heavily for my naivete.  You are in a much better position, believe me.

LuckyJim

[swampgas95]

I had an interesting development in my situation during the last week. After several weeks of NC with my BPDex, I began a dialogue with my ex-wife. This was something that was strictly not allowed while with my BPDex. She would check my phone and would dictate what I should write to her. As part of my healing, I made it a point to reach out to everyone that I had hurt during this nightmare of a "relationship." Needless to say, the list was long. I had always felt especially guilty about the way I treated my ex-wife and my children.

In an effort to at least provide my ex-wife some semblance of peace, I opened up to her and made myself available to answer any of her questions. I have no desire whatsoever to ever be back with her, but I would like to improve our relationship for the sake of the children. The last time I broke up with my BPDex was because I had spent a week with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend. For the first time in a long time, I could see what a relationship is supposed to look like. I had been so isolated and brainwashed by my BPDex that I had forgotten. On the way home I calmly and tactfully brought up my concerns with my BPDex. Rather than handle it rationally, she laughed at me, called my daughter a whore, and told me to go f*%k myself. As soon as I got home I packed my things and left. She charmed me a few weeks later and then replaced me, but before she did, she sent me an email going over everything she had said and why it was all my fault (classic gas lighting in black and white).

Here's where it gets interesting. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and they are right! Somehow my ex-wife got her hands on that email and in a drunken state she posted it, in it's entirety, on her Facebook page, tagging my BPDex. My ex-wife and BPDex were acquaintances before the split and had a LOT of mutual friends. Around 200 or so. My ex-wife essentially outed my BPDex to everyone she knows using her own words against her. Like most BPD's, mine was very, very good at playing the sweet innocent girl to everyone else in the world and turning into the devil around me and her family.

To be honest, I have no idea what is going to happen. Part of me thinks this is exactly what she deserves and provides some justice for the almost 4 years of misery I endured at her hand. The other part of me worries that she may harm herself. I know that's not my fault or problem, but I still feel somewhat responsible. She tried to contact me for about 24 hours, but I ignored it all and simply sent her one text saying "I do not want to be contacted by you ever again in any way." My friend deals with harassment issues at a university and said that saying something like that is the first step in protecting yourself against any kind of retaliation.

I know it's typically advised not to start a war with these people, but I really had nothing to directly do with it. Anyway, I just thought it was a unique and interesting development. A small victory I suppose.

[C.Stein]

I was told that she had "moved on" and that I "needed to move on too." I discovered that she had been fostering my replacement and cheating for several months under my nose.

Word for word what my ex said to me ... .and yes she also was almost certainly working my replacement 3 months prior to throwing me away.

Now she was online in front of all of our friends and family showing her affection and calling him "her favorite." It was utterly humiliating and ripped me to pieces. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

I don't know if my ex has done this and I am glad I don't.  What little I do know blew a hole so big in my psyche I didn't know if I would ever recover.

This has fundamentally wounded me and changed me as a person. I have tried to date again and move on, but I feel frozen in time. My hands shake constantly, I’ve lost about 15 pounds, I have trouble concentrating, I can’t sleep more than a few hours, and I feel a constant tightness in my chest.

I totally get this.  I have had a very difficult time picking myself up out of the gutter and am still there in some respects.  It is getting better and it will for you too, even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

What you have described here many have gone through.  It really does wreck havoc with your beliefs about your personal self.  It renders you into a mere shadow of your former self, left wondering just what the heck happened to the person I was before. 

Good thing is, that person is still there, it is just buried so deep in the FOG you can't see him anymore.  Give it some time, face the pain head on.  Share your story here and help others and you will find the FOG eventually gets thinner and thinner until you are finally out of it.  Be patient with yourself, these types of relationships are incredibly difficult to recover from.