Now I'm feeling sorry for him

[Depression = 72% of members]

In my quest to understand why my emotions are so mixed up at the moment, e.g. wanting him back at the same time as wanting to go no contact, I suddenly realised that this might be similar to what he experiences as a pwBPD. Is this correct?

If so, I feel so sorry for him and it changes how I perceive him. It doesn’t mitigate all the abuse, but it changes how I feel. The trouble is I have to be so careful when I feel this way because it can get me into trouble and before I know it I’ll be back on the roller coaster. I’ve just read one of our ‘text battles’ trying to understand something or other and looking at the situation from the perspective of him struggling with competing emotions changes what I see. I’m feeling guilty because I don’t think I handled it properly.

[Larmoyant]

In my quest to understand why my emotions are so mixed up at the moment, e.g. wanting him back at the same time as wanting to go no contact, I suddenly realised that this might be similar to what he experiences as a pwBPD. Is this correct?

If so, I feel so sorry for him and it changes how I perceive him. It doesn’t mitigate all the abuse, but it changes how I feel. The trouble is I have to be so careful when I feel this way because it can get me into trouble and before I know it I’ll be back on the roller coaster. I’ve just read one of our ‘text battles’ trying to understand something or other and looking at the situation from the perspective of him struggling with competing emotions changes what I see. I’m feeling guilty because I don’t think I handled it properly.

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

I worried about getting back on the rollercoaster but I have boundaries, it's not something that is going to happen. I understand, I got an email this week from my ex about something she said that I had agreed upon, she never asked. I think she just has a difficult time with asking me for a favor. I would have gotten defensive and gotten into an argument like we used to but I understand now that she's impaired. I can't beat myself up for not knowing that it was mental illness. I know now, I have to keep in touch with her because of the kids, I learned how to deal with conflict so that it's easier for the kids, win-win.

[Meili]

Well, I can't say whether or not that's similar to what a pwBPD experiences or not, but I can agree with Mutt.

You can feel sorry for him and still enforce your boundaries. I'm going to guess that you're the caregiver type (many of us who get involved with pwBPD seem to be). If so, you may be experiencing a desire to take care of him. That's what keeps many of us bound in the first place. Maybe rather than caring for him, you can care about him from a safe distance, behind your own boundaries and stay off the roller coaster?

Looking at how we handled things and thinking about how we'd handle them differently now is not a bad thing. It is how we grow. But, consider this, there is no guarantee that the outcome would have been any different had you change how you responded/reacted. In fact, you are looking at a single moment-in-time without the fog of emotions that you felt in that moment. Of course you can see things differently! That doesn't change what happened though. Nor does it change the choices that he made. Just like you, he could have chosen a different path. The simple fact is that he didn't.

[drained1996]

Mutt points out the thing we all seem to ignore at times.  Though we love these people, they are not just impaired, they suffer from a serious mental illness.  I'm not saying they don't have good, because I know mine had plenty, but the illness is also a part of who they are fundamentally.  It's their adult responsibility to own that, and do their best to fix it... .which they simply do not most of the time from what I see here.  Their shame and pain are simply too much for most of them to even bother dealing with.  So... .they continue the cycle, and we're left in the trash bin.  While I empathize with my pwBPD, I cannot excuse her continuous actions.  Therefore, I must label her a mentally impaired person who has no place in my life.  But I still have love for her.  Life's simply not fair... .and we have to stand up for us, and take care of ourselves as individuals. 

[seenr]

Again, a fantastic thread.

I see my Son regularly so by extension see his Mum on 6 occasions every 14 days. I have said to him as we drive along in the car 'we need to go to Mammy's house now' and he says 'No Mammy very sad'. First time he said it my heart went out to her. She is someone I love, deeply. But I began thinking that if I acted upon anything like that it would just continue the cycle. Already, there is enough drama as it is. Every time I collect him, there is something going on - relatives driving past, people at the house, things that never happened while I was there. My Ex regularly comes out all dressed up which she didn't do while we were together. My response is to protect myself so I simply block it all out.

While I would like to know if & why she is sad, I need to look after me so I am doing that. Doing things that are good for me - no alcohol, regular exercise, playing sports that I like. I'm spending a lot of time alone too which is both good & bad - time to think, but also to process.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling sorry for your ex, but please do put you first. After a relationship with someone that has a mental illness it is like a bucket of paint has exploded all over you. Months, years later you are still finding the paint on you, a reminder of what it was like with that person.