My husband left our family for his affair and he has all 9 BPD traits

[Soniab72]

Where do I even begin?  I've known my husband since I was 13 years old, wow, 30 years. We started dating when I was 18 in my senior year of high school. He is

2.5 years older and graduated 3 years before I did. We got married in June of 94 and would have just celebrated 22 years married, 25 years together. There is something I should mention about me that really is irrelevant to me, but became relevant to my husband just recently. I've known him before my accident and after. I was in a car accident when I was 17 and lost my twin sister and sustained a spinal cord injury.   I'm permanently unable to walk, and have been in my chair for 26 years. I am 100% independent in my own care, have had 2 children, daughter 16, and son 13. My husband and I have never let my disability stop us from doing anything. We've white water rafted, snow skied, water skied, and so much more. The 3 things I cannot do, climb a mountain, walk on a beach, and have sex standing up. He recently told me, after 25 years, that me being in a chair bothers him.  His reality is having the 1960's Leave it to Beaver family that everything is perfect. Guess what?  Nothing or nobody is perfect.

I've always known that there was something off with my husband, and attributed it to the suicide of his father and him finding his father when he was only 3 years old.  He never dealt with it. I've often made excuses or brushed off a lot of the negative behaviors such as, talking to me in a condescending tone, having the littlest things send him into an irrational anger, flirting with other women in front of me, his alcoholism, his lack of emotional support, his ability to make me believe anything and everything that goes wrong is my fault, his way or the highway, emotional abuse, jealousy over attention given to me in an array of situations, giving up on disciplining our difficult teenage daughter and blaming my family for her behavior,  and expecting me and the kids to control his happiness. I'm sure there are more, but you've got the picture.  Despite all of this, I love him. I've taken care of him, and I've enabled him.

Six months ago I discovered he was having an affair with a young coworker. He's threatened to leave before saying we don't listen to him so why is he even here, etc... .but now he had an out.  yet he states the other woman (OW), had nothing to do with him leaving, hmm ok. He actually took a bag and went straight to her and has been there for 3.5 months. He has not moved any of his things. It's like he left on a business trip. He comes by almost every weekend to help with house stuff.  He told our 13 year old son he found someone else, and our 16 year old daughter put the pieces together. Our son is sad, but maintains a relationship with his new "buddy", his fun on the weekend dad. Our daughter wants nothing to do with him. He's lied to get out of spending time with our son, wanted to take our son camping over Memorial weekend with the OW that he has never met and doesn't want to meet, yet my husband thinks this is just fine and why would I have a problem with him taking our son camping, and sleeping in the same tent with the OW who helped tear apart our family. I forgot to mention that my dad did the same thing to my mom 7 years ago and has cut us all out of his life completely.  The two most important men in my life have left.

I've been very kind and tight lipped about how I really feel about the situation because I still want my family back. I still love him and want him to get help, not just for himself, but for the relationship between his kids, and for our marriage. He knows I'm not giving up and I definitely think he's taking advantage of it. I've tried, in the beginning, to reach out to the OW, but she ignored my call and text messages.  I don't know her story but being the kind of person I am and knowing she knew he was married and had kids, I just can't wrap my head around how she's ok having any part of it. I hate her existence in my life. She is a piece of work.

My sister in law is the one who mentioned my husband might have BPD. I've discussed it with my therapist and even though she can't diagnose him, she thinks it's very possible. I don't know how to approach the man i hardly know anymore with the info I have about BPD, and that I think he should see someone to get assessed and to get help for his alcoholism. He's pushed himself away from family, friends, and ALL of the guys at work, he's a mechanic. I found out there are rumors going around his shop, ya think?  Another thing is I'm almost positive the OW is a drinker too. 

I have been working on myself and working on a marriage program, and I know what we can have. But we can't begin to heal until he stops this affair, and gets help. He's admitted to being an alcoholic so that's half the battle. He says he can't afford to go to the Dr, but I can, and am willing to spend whatever it takes to help him.

I was depressed before I found out about the affair, but was doing a lot better until about a week ago.  Most disagree with my decisions, but thats ok. They have not walked a day in my shoes, or don't know the good man I do. The man that can be the amazing father he's meant to be, and the loving husband I know he can be. But it's going to take time and work.   I just don't know if he can do it, and I don't know how much more I can take.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Soniab72,

30 years, wow. You've been through a lot. I'm so sorry for the duplicate man leaving situation  :'( and the OW problem.

It sounds like he's left, it also sounds like he's still there. Very confusing!

What is it like when you two communicate during the times he is there (or not there)?

During the marriage, what was the dynamic like exactly? Can you say more about what you mean when you say that he is taking advantage of you not giving up?

LnL

[Moselle]

I've been very kind and tight lipped about how I really feel about the situation

Soniab72, let me join livednlearned and welcome you to bpdfamily

This is an amazing community where we can receive advice and support from people who have experienced similar things. 

Its clear that you love your husband very much. How do you really feel about the situation?

It might feel like there is alot of chaos right now. It will improve and it will get better. Keep posting!

[Soniab72]

Thank you for responding to my post.

To answer your questions.  Our communication has been good and in a friendly way. We talk and text, mostly about financial stuff and the kids. He seems to have detached himself from me and the fact that we are still married, meaning, he is avoiding talking about us entirely. I've talked to him once about our relationship, about a month after he left, and he mostly listened and looked sympathetic to me being emotional, but again, never expressed how he was feeling.

The dynamic of our marriage was pretty routine. He worked and I was the stay at home mom.  I was very involved in the kid's school and sports. We didn't fight, but I also avoided arguments by agreeing to almost anything he said.  He seemed jealous of all the time I spent involved with the school and kids stating that I had priorities at home and should be making them my number one instead of my other responsibilities outside of the home.  I'm extremely passive and put other's need ahead of my own.  We had a great social life, except for his binge drinking, an active intimate relationship, and we talked a lot, as best friends would.

I feel he's been taking advantage of my kindness throughout the affair and abandonment because I feel like he knows he can say or do whatever he wants, even saying hurtful things, like "he couldn't give her up", or "she makes him happy".  Since he knows i want to save the marriage, anything goes from his end. He knows i won't give up on our family. This has contributed to me having unhealthy boundries.

How do I feel about the situation?  It's complicated. I am living in hell, but I still have hope for him, for us. I think he's sick and needs help. That, at this very moment is my main focus as I think if he's getting help or assessed,  he can work on his relationship with the kids and I. But, sometimes I just want to lay it all out there and tell him off and hope he comes back to reality.


Thank you,

Soniab72 ♡

[Hopeful07]

It sounds like he is taking advantage of your kindness. It's hard because you know it's not how they normally are. I don't have much advice but I'm dealing with my boyfriend and other women, waiting for it to pass. I go from feeling like a doormat to detaching because of his illness and forgiving the awful behavior.

[Soniab72]

I completely get it Hopeful07.  I know the person he can be, great dad, good caring husband. I wonder if he feels the pain he's putting us all through?  It's especially hard for me to see my kids going through it too. They used to be immuned from it, I think I protected them when he would lash out, but as they got older his behavior got more difficult to excuse or hide and they just think he's mean and drinks a lot.

I'm waiting for it to pass with the OW as well. I don't get how a woman can do what she is doing with him. I don't know, maybe she's got issues herself, I do know none of my girlfriends could or would go there. It makes me more angry that the OW is most likely getting his charming and kind personality though.

I'm just confused and need to figure out how to approach him with the idea of seeking help.  Any suggestions?  Should it be me?  My sister in law that brought the BPD to my attention?  I'm the only one in his life that has called him out on his behavior in the past. He's not talking to anyone that questions his actions. 

[Hopeful07]

I don't think they see the pain they cause, if they did they would get treatment right away. At least in my case, I don't see him understanding the degree of pain. My situation is a little different than yours, we are in an "open relationship". The only reason we are is because I read it can help them not freak out as much. I wanted to figure out how to get him treatment and not have him leave me for weeks or months at a time. I thought I could put boundaries up and it could be more controlled. I was so wrong. Every boundary we talked about he does want anymore and he already broke some. My plan was dumb.

The other woman in this case thinks we are in an open relationship and she seems really respectful of it, which is the only plus. But who believes a man at his word that he's in an open relationship? They haven't slept together yet but I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I think it's great that your husbands sister thinks he has BPD. I'm very alone in my fight. No one else sees it or wants to see it. Even though my boyfriend is almost positive he doesn't have anything wrong with him, he said he will go to a dr and see. I'm just thankful for that, even though I'm not even sure he'll get the diagnosis, who knows what he'll say to the dr. It's just so much stress.

[Moselle]

How do I feel about the situation?  It's complicated. I am living in hell, but I still have hope for him, for us. I think he's sick and needs help. That, at this very moment is my main focus as I think if he's getting help or assessed,  he can work on his relationship with the kids and I. But, sometimes I just want to lay it all out there and tell him off and hope he comes back to reality.

Soniab72 I'm so sorry this feels like hell. I can really relate from personal experience and I can honestly say it will get better.

When I was in a similar situation 2,5 years ago someone gave me a 4 page document on co-dependence and said " I want you to read this".

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[Soniab72]

Hopeful07

Your relationship may be different with the open relationship you guys have going on, but it still hurts the same. I actually considered going that route because of his unfaithfulness, but knew if it came down to it, I wouldnt be able to handle it. I hope he follows through and does get help or assessed. One day at a time. Hang in there and thank you for the conversation, it does help.

[Soniab72]

Moselle

Thank you.  I will check out the link you posted. It sounds like the document was exactly what you needed.  I will report back my thoughts after reading it. 

[Herodias]

I will ask you what my T asked me, "what is your boundary?" ""Where do you draw a line?" For me it was if he got another woman pregnant... .so, he did. That was it. I don't like. I didn't want to be divorced. I had no choice. They will do what they want. You have to decide what you want.

[Soniab72]

Herodias

Sorry about the marriage. I have not set boundries but need to. I'm afraid to set him of . Not afraid for my physical safety but my emotional sanity. He's proving to our son just how selfish he is all on his own without me saying 1 word. I just pray that he gets help soon before he destroys any the little bit of respect our son has for him.

Is there anything that anyone can recommend that people with BPD that will grab their attention?   I thought it would be the kids but unfortunately this doesn't seem like the case.

[Moselle]

Is there anything that anyone can recommend that people with BPD that will grab their attention?   I thought it would be the kids but unfortunately this doesn't seem like the case.

Soniab72. You come across as incredibly courageous and capable. I really feel for you having to go on this painful journey, when I'm sure you feel tired and exhausted already.

There is a pattern and a process to this, though it may not appear to be so now. We are all on this journey on these boards. Regardless of how long we've been here, we are all still learning.

The thing that brings us here almost exclusively is a person with BPD, and we are usually focussed on what they are doing, what they are thinking, the damage they are inflicting on us and others, including our children. That is a phase in our membership here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is where you are. And its right to be there. Its a time to learn about the illness, learn what we can do to not make things worse, learn communication tools. These are valuable tools.

Then after a while here, we realise that we play a role in this dynamic, as active (not passive) participants. We learn that the only thing we can do to "grab their attention", is to change our behaviours and thoughts.

Once we change and stop producing ripples in the water surface, they can choose to look at themselves in the still water surface and make choices for themselves.

Herodias is 100% right in what she says below. "You have to decide what you want" as the healthier side of the relationship. The onus is on us to make the wise choices, focus on a brighter future, and to change. They are unlikely to take the lead in this.

I know this runs counterintuitively,  because it is. Our logic says that if they have a mental illness, and we can fix it, this situation will right itself.

You are doing great. Keep up the effort. 

[Lucky Jim]

I'm extremely passive and put other's need ahead of my own.

Hey Sonia, Why do you think you put the needs of others ahead of your own?  Perhaps you could start working on your own needs for a change?  Suggest you return the focus to YOU.

I feel like he knows he can say or do whatever he wants, even saying hurtful things, like "he couldn't give her up", or "she makes him happy".  Since he knows i want to save the marriage, anything goes from his end.

Like me, and many of us here, it seems like you may suffer from a lack of boundaries.  Why is it that you allow him to treat you like a doormat?  Presumably because you think you deserve to be treated badly, perhaps?  Maybe you are reenacting a pattern from childhood?  Is it fair to say you have difficulty loving and accepting yourself?

These are all hard questions, I know, but they lead to new growth.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

LuckyJim

[schwing]

Hi Soniab72,

... .I've always known that there was something off with my husband, and attributed it to the suicide of his father and him finding his father when he was only 3 years old.  He never dealt with it.

You might be right on the money with this observation.  Except I don't think you understand exactly how much this trauma has affected him.  I believe many people with BPD (pwBPD) started with their disorder with just such a traumatic experience.  They spend most of their lives running away from this experience; and unless/until they actually face it, their disorder will dominate all their interpersonal relationships.

I forgot to mention that my dad did the same thing to my mom 7 years ago and has cut us all out of his life completely.  The two most important men in my life have left.

I wonder if your father has this disorder in common with your husband?  I didn't understand how disordered my mother was until sometime after my heart was broken by my uBPDgf; and I discovered this website.  And even then, it took some time before the veil was lifted. 

... .I've tried, in the beginning, to reach out to the OW, but she ignored my call and text messages.  I don't know her story but being the kind of person I am and knowing she knew he was married and had kids, I just can't wrap my head around how she's ok having any part of it. I hate her existence in my life. She is a piece of work.

Maybe the OW is a piece of work.  Or maybe she has only ever heard the distortion campaign your husband waged against you.  There's a chance she'll be posting here trying to understand his behaviors in their relationship when they start getting confusing to her.  I wouldn't write her off just yet; give it time.  Or she could be a piece of work.

I don't know how to approach the man i hardly know anymore with the info I have about BPD, and that I think he should see someone to get assessed and to get help for his alcoholism.

As I see it, he was using alcoholism to deal with his disorder while he was with you.  Perhaps that was enough to make you never consider that there might be something else wrong with him, something that hit closer to home.  And at some point, the alcohol and whatever else he tried stopped working for him.  So instead of considering that something *else* is wrong with him, he decided that his problem is you.  And so he is not trying someone else.

And if he has borderline personality disorder, that someone else will start to trigger his disorder and he might come back to you or go on to someone else.  It is ultimately up to him to ever consider that the problem is with him; he may never get there.  Or maybe he will.  But that's not up to you.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[schwing]

... .He seems to have detached himself from me and the fact that we are still married, meaning, he is avoiding talking about us entirely... .

Do not be surprised if he completely re-imagines the details of your relationship.  This might be one of the reasons why he is avoiding talking with you about it; because his "memory" of what happened is now very different from your memory.

We didn't fight, but I also avoided arguments by agreeing to almost anything he said. 

Delusions work best when no one contradicts them.

I feel he's been taking advantage of my kindness throughout the affair and abandonment because I feel like he knows he can say or do whatever he wants, even saying hurtful things, like "he couldn't give her up", or "she makes him happy".  Since he knows i want to save the marriage, anything goes from his end. He knows i won't give up on our family. This has contributed to me having unhealthy boundries.

Your husband's psychological dynamic might be a bit more complicated than him "taking advantage" of you.  It is possible that as his disordered feelings start developing with the OW, specifically his disordered fear of abandonment.  So long as he believes he *could* come back to you, would assuage these disordered fears.  In one sense, so long as you are available to him, this will add stability to his current attachment with the OW.