Extreme Anxiety after seeing BPDex

[Rayban]

I saw my BPDexgf for the first time in a week (we work together) and for the first time I was struck with almost unbearable anxiety, and I don't understand why. I went long periods with out seeing or speaking to her, and I was never this anxious. I politely said hi to her, and I think she noticed something was off with me, as she stared for a moment and continued on her way.

I've been working on myself bringing certain changes to my lifestyle, and also learning on how to detach from her. If anything I was expecting the opposite to the reaction I had. I have to admit I did have a busy day lined up, and maybe I was anxious to begin with. I hope this ia temporary thing, and I could find a way to avoid this. I don't want her having this power over me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rayban, It's normal to experience anxiety, in my view, when you cross paths with one's BPDxGF.  It sounds like this may be unavoidable if you work with her.  My suggestion is to prepare in advance for the next time you run into her.  If you have already rehearsed it in your mind, it may prove less awkward and tense.  Plus, doing something proactive is a good way to reduce anxiety, in my experience.

LuckyJim

[Mars22]

This happen to me randomly last week; saw her at a restaurant, she smiled and waved at me?. Odd because, the last i heard from her 3 months ago, she told she erased my number and not to contact her, was painted black and now, she's happy to see me?

So, it is absolutely normal you're feeling anxious. I actually lost a bit of sleep that night. It settled within the next day for me. Now, i feel I'm back understanding things logically again...

I agree with Lucky Jim - have something rehearsed in your mind of how you want act. Whether its quick head nod if you make eye contact or maybe just not acknowledge her at all... .as hard as they might be off course. I guess its all circumstantial. 

[Mutt]

Anxiety is natural, it warns us of danger, maybe it was flight or fight response? Did you have an urge to fight or flee?

www.youth.anxietybc.com/ask-an-expert/what-is-fight-flight-freeze

[seenr]

Anxiety is normal.

I need to see my ex later to pick up & drop off our Son. So looking forward to seeing him, but woke up today feeling sick about seeing her, 11 hours before I am due to.

Give yourself a break - if you can't understand it, write down how you feel, maybe in a few weeks you will see a pattern? I'm trying to do that and to flip my thinking.

[Rayban]

Anxiety is natural, it warns us of danger, maybe it was flight or fight response? Did you have an urge to fight or flee?

www.youth.anxietybc.com/ask-an-expert/what-is-fight-flight-freeze

I would say more fight then flee. I just don't know why it happened this time. I think just seeing her after a while, and putting the pieces together over the weekend, made me realize just what I'm dealing with.

[DazedD40]

I get anxious just thinking of my ex so god knows how ill feel when i run in to her in the future and im pretty sure she'll soon be making a point to parade her new supply in front of me. Grips me with fear the thought of that.

[vortex of confusion]

Yep, I sometimes get really anxious when being around him.

I think it helps to have a mental plan of things to say or ways that you can leave. I do try to mentally rehearse things in my head to help ease the discomfort. Sometimes, it is full on anxiety and I want to fight. Sometimes, it is anxiety such that I just want to run away and hide. And then  there are times when I can be around him and it doesn't even phase me. I have yet to figure out a pattern. On anniversaries for major events, I can understand why I would be extra anxious. On other days, I make absolutely no sense to myself.

[seenr]

A counsellor told me that this is a must. Have a plan for if/when I do meet her (I've never met her socially but that is where I'd be most likely to meet her) and spend 5 minutes in the same place as her, maximum. I know that my ex got revenge on someone before by kissing another man in front of them so she is liable to do that again. Her ex at the time punched the man she was kissing - that won't be happening to me. A plan of action to get out of her company is a must.

I think it helps to have a mental plan of things to say or ways that you can leave.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've been working on myself bringing certain changes to my lifestyle, and also learning on how to detach from her. If anything I was expecting the opposite to the reaction I had.

So here's an opportunity Rayban, you can use this.  You've been working on yourself and learning how to detach, and good for you, and now you've gotten feedback on how well it's working.  Instead of making yourself wrong or a failure, ask yourself what did I learn?  What's working well?  What do I need to change?  What does this mean?  What can I do better?  Using it as an educational experience and nothing more can make it part of your detachment and empowered future.

I don't want her having this power over me.

The only power she has over you is the power you give her, most of us gave our exes a lot, and detaching includes taking your power back, which you can do here by what you make things mean.  What were you thinking when you saw her?  Getting emotionally involved with someone with a personality disorder is very confusing, and anxiety is a natural response to that, and now that you're out and safe, you can dig to see what beliefs or thoughts you had when you saw her, and decide what to believe instead, cool really, an opportunity to discover beliefs you may not have known you had; if you approach it with curiosity and playfulness it takes even more power out of it.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

Anxiety is natural, it warns us of danger, maybe it was flight or fight response? Did you have an urge to fight or flee?

www.youth.anxietybc.com/ask-an-expert/what-is-fight-flight-freeze

I would say more fight then flee. I just don't know why it happened this time. I think just seeing her after a while, and putting the pieces together over the weekend, made me realize just what I'm dealing with.

If you find it difficult to manage anxiety there are self help techniques that can help you manage, muscle relaxation, calm breathing, challenging your thoughts with realistic thinking. I hope that helps.

https://www.anxietybc.com/adults/general-self-help-strategies

[C.Stein]

I would say more fight then flee. I just don't know why it happened this time. I think just seeing her after a while, and putting the pieces together over the weekend, made me realize just what I'm dealing with.

For myself, the anxiety I feel when I think of bumping into my ex (which almost certainly will not happen) is three fold.  First, I still feel attached to her in some ways which leads to not being entirely sure how I would react.  Second, she is a stranger to me now.  The woman I fell in love with is gone for all intents and purposes.  Third, I have said a lot of things in emails that have gone unanswered and I don't really want the answers, even if she was able to provide them.

How does one deal with this?  I think these issues, and the resulting anxiety, will go away once I reach a place of indifference.

[Rayban]

I've been working on myself bringing certain changes to my lifestyle, and also learning on how to detach from her. If anything I was expecting the opposite to the reaction I had.

So here's an opportunity Rayban, you can use this.  You've been working on yourself and learning how to detach, and good for you, and now you've gotten feedback on how well it's working.  Instead of making yourself wrong or a failure, ask yourself what did I learn?  What's working well?  What do I need to change?  What does this mean?  What can I do better?  Using it as an educational experience and nothing more can make it part of your detachment and empowered future.

I don't want her having this power over me.

The only power she has over you is the power you give her, most of us gave our exes a lot, and detaching includes taking your power back, which you can do here by what you make things mean.  What were you thinking when you saw her?  Getting emotionally involved with someone with a personality disorder is very confusing, and anxiety is a natural response to that, and now that you're out and safe, you can dig to see what beliefs or thoughts you had when you saw her, and decide what to believe instead, cool really, an opportunity to discover beliefs you may not have known you had; if you approach it with curiosity and playfulness it takes even more power out of it.  Take care of you!

Being painted black and working with her, I just realized that she is capable of anything to make me lose my job. I've been smeared at work when we weren't together over multiple break-ups, but it would subside when we got back together.

Just seeing her after a week, and the look she had on her face just brought back some bad memories. She knows I'm moving along, and I called her out on her behaviors, made me a candidate to be eliminated. Looking back I'm letting fear get to me, and this already a bad sign. I think she feeds of this. I just have to change my attitude. I go in to WORK everyday, to her this is a play ground, I'm hoping eventually others will also see her for what she is.

[fromheeltoheal]

Being painted black and working with her, I just realized that she is capable of anything to make me lose my job. I've been smeared at work when we weren't together over multiple break-ups, but it would subside when we got back together.

Just seeing her after a week, and the look she had on her face just brought back some bad memories. She knows I'm moving along, and I called her out on her behaviors, made me a candidate to be eliminated. Looking back I'm letting fear get to me, and this already a bad sign. I think she feeds of this. I just have to change my attitude. I go in to WORK everyday, to her this is a play ground, I'm hoping eventually others will also see her for what she is.

I understand, I used to work with my ex, and the day she got fired I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders.  We don't need that sht at work, and here's another opportunity to take your power back, by being proactive instead of reactive.  If you don't like the job much you could quit and find another one, but if you're committed and your company has an HR department, you could go talk to them, that's what they're there for; it can be informal without any actions being taken at first, but at least you'll be in a file somewhere, if things escalate.  And depending where you are in the corporate hierarchy relative to her, she may not be a threat; my ex was far below me so no worries there, although it wasn't too pleasant seeing her having sex in cars in the parking lot with coworkers, but it was what it was.  Point is, taking some action in defense of your job will help make the fear go away and take away any power you feel she has.  And as we know, borderlines are all about the facades, and the only folks who get to see the real personality below them are those who get close, like us, but if she's just screwing around she may not be doing a good job, which will show up eventually one way or the other.  Take care of you!