Can I still help my son?

[Mman]

My son is 46 and has been diagnosed with BPD by one of the latest numerous psychologist he has consulted.  He admits having narcissist traits and has suffered a number of depression.  He is very intelligent and educated but he has not worked in 3 years. The positions he held ended with him blaming his superiors of their inabilities or worse. 

His father died 12 years ago.  My son has been living with me and my husband for the last 11 months and it's becoming intolerable.  He refuses to help around the house and limits his contribution to sometime emptying the dishwasher or making coffee.  He isolates himself in the basement and spends his time on computers.

My husband and I have been going to counseling for family.  Through counseling and readings, I understood that I have to impose limits and I told him over one month ago that my husband and I were very frustrated with the situation and felt like we are being taken for a ride or abused.  I told my son that he has to contribute to the maintenance of the house and/or the property.  I said that I was giving him until July lst to show us what he can do to alleviate the frustration that we feel. I said that he will have to move out if we see no improvement.  Nothing has changed and I tried on a few occasion to talk to him about it.  It's never the right time, either he is busy on the computer or he has a headache or he did not sleep well.  He does not seem to take it seriously.  This morning he shouted at me to get out of the room.

He behaves with hatred towards me.  He does not show any appreciation for what I do for him.  I know it's because of BPD but... .

I don't know what to do to help him become more responsible.  He has no income and the money he inherited from his dad is all but gone (lots of it to psychologist).  He should try to get government support and I tried to help him do that, but again he has not done anything about that yet.  We really need for him to move out.  What can we do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Mman'

Welcome to BPD Family

Sorry to hear about the problems with your son.  Did he have mental issues in his younger years?  It must seem like you have an angry teenager back in the empty nest.   

My son is 46 and has been diagnosed with BPD by one of the latest numerous psychologist he has consulted.  He admits having narcissist traits and has suffered a number of depressions. He is very intelligent and educated but he has not worked in 3 years.

How was his employment history, prior to his 3-year unemployment?  Has he applied for any jobs recently?

Is he taking any meds for his depression?  Does your son get any exercise? 

Have you read any books about BPD?  I found Stop Walking on Egg Shells rather enlightening.

Sounds like you have done a little work with BOUNDARIES. Depending on where you live and if he isn't cooperative with leaving, you may have to serve him an Eviction Notice.

He might need some help to get out of his depression. When did you establish the 7-1-16 deadline to move out? Are you open to some negotiation with him on that date, perhaps if he reaches some milestones with things like: getting treatment for his depression, look into disability insurance and/or some vocational rehab.

Is there anyone willing to help guide him to some assistance?   

Information at these links on COMMUNICATIONS and FOG might be helpful.

With the 7-1-16 deadline around the corner, I can see that it is stressful.   I'm still in a learning curve regarding BPD in regard to my uBPD sister.  I'm sure someone more seasoned might have some better advice to add.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Mman,

So very sad to read about the situation with your son and how frustrated you are about it.  It is understandable.

You have set a time stamped expectation with your son and he has not shown that he is going to comply.  Do you think it might be helpful to be specific with your son about what his responsibilities will be in the home.  What exactly is it you need to see from him?  Mowing the lawn weekly, taking the trash to the curb weekly, part time employment?

How much do you do for him now?  Cook his meals, do his laundry, pay his bills, etc... .?  We have to determine what is enabling behavior and what is supportive behavior on our parts and then make changes in increments.  Pulling out too much at one time can result in a crash and burn situation.  Progress is usually slow and rarely linear. 

I understand that this is all very difficult since he refuses to be part of the process.  That is where your boundaries and limits come into play.

lbj