Need Help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm really having a hard time.  Today is the 1 month "anniversary" of me making him leave. It's too much. I never wanted a separation or a divorce, I wanted to work on things. My stbx is so out of it that he is mourning a delusion (the woman he thinks was Prince) and not our marriage. I dont matter; he doesnt even think of me. He's using a great deal of drugs. I just can't accept this. The hurt is too much, and it isn't getting better. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop loving him. I want to stop wishing and hoping and yearning. I want my marriage back, not to be discarded for something that is in his mind. I want to stop crying.

[atomic popsicles]

I'm really having a hard time.  Today is the 1 month "anniversary" of me making him leave. It's too much. I never wanted a separation or a divorce, I wanted to work on things. My stbx is so out of it that he is mourning a delusion (the woman he thinks was Prince) and not our marriage. I dont matter; he doesnt even think of me. He's using a great deal of drugs. I just can't accept this. The hurt is too much, and it isn't getting better. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop loving him. I want to stop wishing and hoping and yearning. I want my marriage back, not to be discarded for something that is in his mind. I want to stop crying.

[kc sunshine]

Oh dear atomic popsicles, I'm sending lots of hugs your way. You did the right thing to get some space. Hopefully he can get some help. Have you read From Abandonment to Healing? It is helping me some (although you know I am also struggling).

[atomic popsicles]

KC,

I am reading it, and it does help. This is just awful. I'm sorry for all of us.

[Herodias]

So sorry... .It's only a month, so give yourself a break. I am actually sitting here crying out of no where  and I don't even know why. It gets better, but it does come and go. I remember counting the days and months... .It is so hard in the beginning. You are doing the right thing- you really are. Think about what kind of future you want... .Is he really the type of person you want for the rest of your life? I mean how you know he really is... .not the prince charming he pretended to be in the beginning. I have heard our chemistry actually changes in our bodies due to the addiction we form around what they do to us mentally. I believe it... .think of him as your own addiction to get over. It truly is one if you think about it... .You will have good days and bad days... .I wanted my marriage back too, but I want the marriage that I had in my head... .not the reality. We have to give up on them... .they are not capable of giving what we want. They are only pretending with the next person. It will not last there either... .you just have to realize it will go on longer than you want it to. Mine has been with "her" for a year and a half. As long as we have been apart. I can tell he is not happy, just by the few things I have observed at court and the fact that he is contacting my lawyer for no real reason. Just to remind me he is there. He used to always want me to read his mind... .I think I can actually. He is not happy... .maybe I am crying because he ruined what I thought we had and can never be again. It is sad... .I feel for you... .take care and do something nice for yourself.  

[Ab123]

Hugs!  Hang in there. It gets better.

[atomic popsicles]

Thank all of you... .bcz of you I made it through another minute and then day of NC.

I've been thinking of why I want him back.

I love him. Well yes, but the way he was.
I miss my marriage. Oh yes, the memories. It's connected with the first one.
I don't want to start over at 45 when I found my person. True. 100% true.
I miss him. True. Everything about the him before the craziness set in.
I swore I would never EVER get divorced again.
I miss the love he had for me and us. It was wonderful for many years. I had never had anything like it.
I don't want to be alone.
I'm scared I'll never have that again.

But that him is gone.

Why I don't want him back/reasons not to go back:
He is really mentally ill.
He is an addict now.
He made me feel really bad for the last few days we were together... .and before that. I was thinking I would be better off dead. Note- I did not want to die and was not suicidal- I just didn't understand what I was doing that was so wrong.
Also note- I haven't felt that since 6/8 except maybe 1 or 2 times... .as opposed to all the time.
He began being the BPD poster child to the extreme.
My children can be nowhere near him... .I promised them they never will be.
He could become dangerous.


Seems like a no-brainer, when it is daytime and the sun is shining.
When I am alone in the evening though, it is a different story.

This is what I am telling myself today... .and I know it will likely change. I just need this "way out" today.

I will not make contact with him unless I have to over the separation and his belongings that are here. I have let him know I hope he gets help. Next is the part that is the "telling myself this today".

I am telling myself that I will leave the door open to possible reconciliation if he goes into a hospital for at least 30 days, then supported housing, goes to outpatient treatment, and is medication compliant for at least 6 months. Now, in reality he will NEVER do those things. But for now, while I get my stuff together, heal, and move forward, I still need that possibility. I also know I won't feel like this long... .soon I will see the light. But for now, it's ok.

Thanks again.

[Sadly]

Hi again AP, this is what I wrote today, see below, I can't say it to him, I just needed to say it, it kind of helps, you try too. Xx.

Am in a very bad place. I miss you so very much it's like a limb has been amputated, I think of you constantly. I miss the person I know is buried deep inside of you.
I don't miss the total lack of affection, the lack of touch and kisses. The lack of interest in my life. I don't miss the criticism and lack of real care. I don't miss the jealous rages. I don't miss being made to feel inadequate and stupid. I don't miss the walking on eggshells. I don't miss not being able to voice my own opinion if it differed from yours.
I miss you being in my home, seeing you with my cat, eating our food, watching our programmes. I miss the sheer delight of you telling me interesting things about history and antiques.
I don't miss the disappointment every time I think, this is when he will hold me or kiss me, this is when he will realise he does love me. This is when I will matter to him again.

[joeramabeme]

I'm really having a hard time.  Today is the 1 month "anniversary" of me making him leave.

Hi AP, sorry to hear that you are struggling.  Relationships to pwBPD are very hard to walk away from as we do try very hard and yet it seems to have no effect, regardless of how much we may love our ex's.

I highlighted this part of your post because I can relate to what you say and think there is something worth reflecting on in the comment.  "Me making him leave"; I experienced the same with my ex, she kept rearranging all the dynamics into a "no-win situation".  It is not by chance that this is your perception (nor mine). 

In a simply non-psychological language, the understanding of this is simply put; we draw to us what we are most afraid of.  Fear of abandonment.  The fear is so great that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  The fact that you state that you love him and that he also believes is you made him leave is enough said to understand that there wasn't anything you could do to change the outcome.

I know that intellectually understanding the dynamics does not minimize the pain, but sometimes having the right perspective can help us put the pain in the proper context.  Not something that belongs inwardly pointed at you or a statement about you, but rather them.  Then we can begin to have a hope that we can make different choices - after we grieve the loss.

I hope you are taking some solace from all of us.

Best, JRB

[atomic popsicles]

Sadly, you exactly said how I feel.

Thanks JRB. Much to think on.

[Sadly]

  to you AP. xx