Interesting conversation with lawyer

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In December I got a new order that gave me a lot more with s9. Dealing with someone who has a PD is a nightmare at the best of times. There good to bad scale starts at evil and get worse from there. The judge wasn't to see who is lying, I'm claiming denied access and the usual horid ness of dealing with an NPD/BPD and she's claiming I'm not a father to s9. I have kept a very detailed journal of her actions since the new order. She found a way to manipulate the vacation time for the summer. My lawyer and a family court worker said the judge will not be happy, on top of everything else since December, we have a review date set for August 24. My ex contacted her lawyer and told him to contact my lawyer, verbally only, no emails or texts. Stated that s9 schooling is suffering, my lawyer asked if this was true, I have all my emails to the teacher and she says s9 is doing fine. Ex also wants to settle without going back to court in August.

[bus boy]

In December I got a new order that gave me a lot more with s9. Dealing with someone who has a PD is a nightmare at the best of times. There good to bad scale starts at evil and get worse from there. The judge wasn't to see who is lying, I'm claiming denied access and the usual horid ness of dealing with an NPD/BPD and she's claiming I'm not a father to s9. I have kept a very detailed journal of her actions since the new order. She found a way to manipulate the vacation time for the summer. My lawyer and a family court worker said the judge will not be happy, on top of everything else since December, we have a review date set for August 24. My ex contacted her lawyer and told him to contact my lawyer, verbally only, no emails or texts. Stated that s9 schooling is suffering, my lawyer asked if this was true, I have all my emails to the teacher and she says s9 is doing fine. Ex also wants to settle without going back to court in August.

[Turkish]

This sounds frustrating to say the least. She sounds scared and is trying to control the situation to validate her disordered world view: that your son isn't doing well despite evidence to the contrary. looks like court in August,  no matter how much she's trying to avoid it,  no?  

I'd advise your lawyer not to telegraph what's real.  Let her expose herself in court. 

[ForeverDad]

Problems with settlements:

• Too often they are quite unfair. Odds are a court decision would be 'less unfair'.



• They will try to get you to suspend the current case so they can negotiate.  Problem is, it can take half of forever and any progress can be undone any time the Ex gets triggered.  Keep the case active in court, let them be under pressure to be less unreasonable in their terms and demands.



• Early in a case a sabotaging or obstructive Ex is too entitled to agree to a reasonable settlement.  Most 'less unfair' settlements are made just before a major hearing or a trial.  My story, I settled my divorce virtually 'on the court house steps' (if only it had steps) on Trial Day near the end of a 2 year divorce process.



• Don't feel you have to settle.  Yes, you may save on the legal costs of lawyers in court, but it may cost you in making bigger improvements in the order.



• A settlement will not make it evident to the court that your spouse is sabotaging you as a parent.  Sort of, "See no evil, hear no evil, know of no evil."

Problems with court:

• Court usually does the least it can do, fixing just the immediate issue, assuming the parents are reasonably normal people and will grasp the idea to resolve things themselves without court.



• Courts move glacially slow, partly due to their workload, partly due to expecting the parents to give up and work it out themselves.  Won't work in your case, you can negotiate in good faith and stick to it, a person with BPD (pwBPD) often won't.



• It's hard to get much in the way of consequences for bad behavior, especially early in a case since it is unsurprised by the high emotions.  However, our type of high conflict cases seldom cool down by much, not quickly and not on their own.



• The point to make is:  Court can't legislate cooperation and good behavior. Sure, the judge or magistrate will try but, like squeezing a balloon and it expanding elsewhere, closing one loophole won't stop an obstructive spouse from seeking out other loopholes.



• Try to get as much authority in the order as possible.  My Custody Evaluator wrote, "Mother can't share 'her' child but father can." 



• Ex will present emotionally convincing complaints and manipulative Blame-Shifting.  You present Solutions that can work.   Make sure the judge sees the contrast.

To summarize, if she really is serious about settling before court (many pwBPD try to avoid court since it is the Real Authority) then you need to not just fix this one issue but address others.  Don't settle for just this one tweak.  Believe me, odds are you'll be in court over and over in the years to come, may as well see how much the court will improve the order — if not by much this time, then the next — she surely won't.

And if you do settle, then make sure it is filed in court so it amends the order.  Often an out-of-court agreement has no teeth in court.

[david]

I second ForeverDad.

Courts ,I believe, don't want to make a decision and want the parents to do that. I had one judge say he wasn't making a decision. Instead, he gave each of us two weeks to write a proposal and he would decide after both were handed in. I wrote out 14 specific things. Ex handed in a two or three page paper saying I was abusive... .blah, blah, blah, and never once mentioned our kids or a custody schedule. The judge copied 13 of my points exactly as I wrote them and that became the majority of our custody order.



I spelled out every holiday, summer and school time, and rotated them year to year. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring break were divided equally. The odd day was rotated year to year.

I also wrote that any changes to the custody order had to be handled through email. Once both parties agreed to a change that became the order. It could only be changed again with another email exchange. Anytime I agreed to a change I made sure I stated in my email that this was a one time change for this one specific event.

I also wrote all communication be done through email (this made things easy since neither one could simply say that is not what I said, it is there in black and white) and any email pertaining to the children must be replied to within 48 hours.

Figuring out what specific issues you have had and finding solutions that are reasonable and make sense is what the courts look for.

Don't hesitate to ask for things that are not in the order now that you believe are best for S9. The more you ask for the more you will probably get. Just make sure the things are reasonable and what would be deemed in the childs' best interest.

[david]

Also, there is no harm in asking for the lost time from before.

Years back my ex sent an email asking if she could have our boys for Mothers Day. It wasn't in or order then and I agreed provided Fathers Day be treated the same way. Ex agreed. It happened that both days needed to be switched. Mothers Day went smoothly. I picked the boys up Fathers Day and we went to see Kung Fu Panda (gives you a timeline of how many years ago). My phone was off since we were in a movie theater. When we were on our way home I turned my phone on and had two nasty voicemails from ex wanting to know where "her" boys are. When I arrived home she was in the driveway. I got out and she verbally assaulted me. I went back in my car and drove away. Went back around ten minutes later and she was still there so I drove to the police station in our township. I explained the situation and the officer called ex on her cell. He got blasted and told me that he wasn't going to do anything. I told him I was driving back home and if she was still there I would be coming back for a police escort. As I was leaving ex was driving into the police station. I went home and put the boys to sleep. Took them to school the next day. A few days later ex sent an email saying I was in contempt of court and she was taking me to court. I replied that we had an agreement, gave her the date of the email, and left it at that. She replied that she couldn't figure out why she would agree to such a thing.