Struggling again for some unknown reason

[Hopeful83]

Hi all,

It's been a year since my relationship spiralled out of control in a matter of weeks and my ex and I broke up. From "You're the love of my life" he went to "I'm not sure how I feel about you" within weeks. He was then engaged to someone else within two months of us breaking up.

I've made so much progress and finally got to a place where I felt I understood as much as I was ever going to understand about the situation and why it happened. I believe it's a combination of his BPD traits and the fact his Asian family didn't want a white daughter in law.

However, these last few days I feel like I'm back at day one when it had all happened and I was left wondering if I had dreamt about the three years we had together. All the self doubt and questioning was awful and almost sent me over the edge. I literally doubted my sanity at some points and wondered if I had essentially dreamt of being in this relationship with him.

I don't understand why I'm feeling like this again and I'm frustrated. It's consuming me again. I'm trying to keep busy, think of other things etc, but it's extremely hard. I can't see through the fogginess of my negative thoughts.

A friend of mine said something to me a few months back about how our bodies remember trauma and so sometimes around the time that the original trauma took place, we may feel inexplicably low or other symptoms, and I'm wondering if it's anything to do with that? Has anyone else ever felt this way/experienced this?

Over the last year, I'd always have moments like this when I'd self doubt, but right now it's extreme. I cannot even see the work I've done, all I can think is "He always loved his new wife, he's healthy and happy, he just didn't love you, you dreamt about being happy with this person."

Ugh, I thought this crap was behind me.

Not so hopeful.

[Moselle]

Hang in there hopeful.  Its quite normal to experience this, especially if the other party appears happy now. How is your new life going? are you feeling a bit stuck there perhaps?

The hard work you're put in, is still there. It's in your bank.  It's the evidence of your desire for change, for progress and for a better future.

It seems to come in waves though, and occasionally we get stuck again before the next burst of progress. That's how it has happened for me. What do you think is your next step?

[seenr]

Hi Hopeful

I have to echo what Moselle said. You have work in the bank. You have seen him move on with someone else and survived. With regard to our bodies remembering trauma, I know that I sometimes feel pain from 2011, 2013, today, two weeks ago. I think it is down to repeated hypervigilance/trauma with the ex BPD.

It is two months since I had the break up and this past weekend has been horrible. I feel worse now than at the break up and I think these dark days are necessary. I completely understand where you are coming from, where you are at and want to give you this   to say I hope it gets better as I know how hard this is.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Hopeful83,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way again. Like Moselle suggested, recovery is not linear, we definitely cycle back to phases we have been through to deal with similar feelings. It's not fun, but it is normal. And you are definitely not starting at zero. I know that doesn't make it any easier to feel.  

You mentioned the body remembering trauma; that appears to be true, according to trauma specialists and scientific studies. How have you been caring for your body, Hopeful? Have you tried any bodywork or are you exercising regularly? What helps?

heartandwhole

[Hopeful83]

Hang in there hopeful.  Its quite normal to experience this, especially if the other party appears happy now. How is your new life going? are you feeling a bit stuck there perhaps?

The hard work you're put in, is still there. It's in your bank.  It's the evidence of your desire for change, for progress and for a better future.

It seems to come in waves though, and occasionally we get stuck again before the next burst of progress. That's how it has happened for me. What do you think is your next step?

Thanks Moselle for the kind words and support.

That's the ironic part - he doesn't look happy at all. However, he does appear to have moved on in terms of getting a job, getting married etc, and I'm still stuck at where I was this time last year, which does frustrate me a great big deal. He messes everything up and yet I'm still the one paying for his actions - how is that fair?

And it's not like I haven't been trying my best to get everything back on track. I've done all the self-work I needed to do, as well as tried to put my life back together. But things are moving so slowly, it sometimes feels like I'm at a halt. I did mention this to my therapist this week - I know that if the right job opportunity finally fell into place, my life will start moving again, but right now nothing seems to be 'cracking' which is why I think I sometimes slip back into these old thought patterns.

I think I need a change of tactic. Something to shaken up the status quo, so to speak. Problem is, I don't know where to start 

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful

I have to echo what Moselle said. You have work in the bank. You have seen him move on with someone else and survived. With regard to our bodies remembering trauma, I know that I sometimes feel pain from 2011, 2013, today, two weeks ago. I think it is down to repeated hypervigilance/trauma with the ex BPD.

It is two months since I had the break up and this past weekend has been horrible. I feel worse now than at the break up and I think these dark days are necessary. I completely understand where you are coming from, where you are at and want to give you this   to say I hope it gets better as I know how hard this is.

Thank you Seenr. I really appreciate the support and sorry that you're also feeling down 

This is the toughest thing I've ever had to go through and I resent him for it, I won't lie. I'm working on letting go and I don't wish him harm, but I do have days when I get angry. He pulled the rug from beneath me and moved on in an instant, while I'm still suffering.

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful83,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way again. Like Moselle suggested, recovery is not linear, we definitely cycle back to phases we have been through to deal with similar feelings. It's not fun, but it is normal. And you are definitely not starting at zero. I know that doesn't make it any easier to feel.  

You mentioned the body remembering trauma; that appears to be true, according to trauma specialists and scientific studies. How have you been caring for your body, Hopeful? Have you tried any bodywork or are you exercising regularly? What helps?

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole,

Thanks for the support.

I know that recovery isn't linear, but I guess I thought I was 'done' with cycling back. It's been a year, and it frustrates me that I can get back into this 'space' quite easily. I haven't self doubted this much in a long time and it's a horrible, horrible feeling.

As for exercise, I used to do yoga on a daily basis, but my brothers (who I'm currently staying with) are in the process of moving, so there are boxes everywhere and zero space for me to practise, which does frustrate me. I guess I should start going for long walks on a daily basis or something, because being cooped up in the house all day isn't helping at all. So I guess this is definitely something I should bear in mind.

Perhaps I'm not helping myself as much as I should be. It's just so easy to fall into a negative rut, and I guess I'm in one right now. I don't want to see my friends because I have nothing positive to talk about and my life is stagnate. I don't want to go out and spend money because I don't want to eat into my savings even more. So I stay at home and stew, which clearly isn't helping at all. I'm desperately looking for a job in the country I used to live in before all this mess erupted, but it's a bad time for jobs, so nothing is materialising.

I really need to make some changes.

[seenr]

One thing that I think is different between us & our exes is conscience. I was apart from my ex for a while in 2010 & had the opportunity to ask someone else out. I couldn't do it because I was still feeling for my ex and missed her. I knew back then she wanted the relationship back on so I felt guilt over that.

When the shoe has been on the other foot my ex has had no problem leaving me in the past. Her pattern is that she comes back 6-12 months later.

Reading the material here, we can't control how others feel or what they do. His choice might be something he is living with right now. It might not be one he is happy with.

This is the toughest thing I've ever had to go through and I resent him for it, I won't lie. I'm working on letting go and I don't wish him harm, but I do have days when I get angry. He pulled the rug from beneath me and moved on in an instant, while I'm still suffering.

[Hopeful83]

One thing that I think is different between us & our exes is conscience. I was apart from my ex for a while in 2010 & had the opportunity to ask someone else out. I couldn't do it because I was still feeling for my ex and missed her. I knew back then she wanted the relationship back on so I felt guilt over that.

When the shoe has been on the other foot my ex has had no problem leaving me in the past. Her pattern is that she comes back 6-12 months later.

Reading the material here, we can't control how others feel or what they do. His choice might be something he is living with right now. It might not be one he is happy with.

This is the toughest thing I've ever had to go through and I resent him for it, I won't lie. I'm working on letting go and I don't wish him harm, but I do have days when I get angry. He pulled the rug from beneath me and moved on in an instant, while I'm still suffering.

Oh absolutely regarding the conscience part. And not only do they move on, they seem to have this knack for shoving it in our faces within weeks, which further suggests a lack of conscience. I wouldn't be able to do that to someone who had really, really, really hurt me, never mind someone who was already suffering because of my rubbish behaviour. The compassionate thing is to explore your new relationship quietly, which is an extremely easy thing to do when you're not even in the same country as your ex. Not get engaged within weeks and plaster your faces all over SM. I will never get over the shamelessness of it.

Rant

There are days when I genuinely wish I had never met him. Today is one of them. I have never had to handle such bizarre, inexplicable behaviour before and it, quite frankly, has made me a little bit scared to get into a relationship in the future.

[seenr]

I feel the same but want that feeling to pass. I would like to meet a lady I can connect with and be myself. But I had a one year gap in our relationship before and met two ladies in that time. Both were genuinely interested in me and one was disappointed when we broke up. I had to explain to her that it was nothing to do with her, that my ex and I had a lot of problems that scarred me and I wasn't able for a relationship. I assured this lady that she was really nice and would easily meet someone. She is now married 20 months & has a daughter.

This time I'd love to be free of the negative feelings from the exBPDgf forever but I know that will take time and hard work and I also know if she asked us to try again I'd be interested.

So I am exploring both paths in counseling. Boundaries if she comes back and how to be happy away from her.

There are days when I genuinely wish I had never met him. Today is one of them. I have never had to handle such bizarre, inexplicable behaviour before and it, quite frankly, has made me a little bit scared to get into a relationship in the future.

[Herodias]

"There are days when I genuinely wish I had never met him. Today is one of them. I have never had to handle such bizarre, inexplicable behaviour before and it, quite frankly, has made me a little bit scared to get into a relationship in the future."

YES! It's amazing how true this statement is for me as well. So sorry you are having a tough time. I see feelings come and go myself. Last night I was feeling lonely. Everywhere I went there were families and kids... .It made me feel even more alone. I can sympathize with your thoughts on them running off and moving on as if nothing ever happened and here we are dealing with the messes they make. Paying for it financially and mentally. There is nothing we can do except to try and get a different attitude. One minute I see couples who look so bored with each other or are not getting along and I think, gee, is that what I want? I don't think so... .I am beginning to think I may have a fantasy in my head of a good relationship. We do know that in their next r/s, they are only temporarily "happy", right? You need to understand that. The pattern will continue... .I am convinced of it. I have seen the first year of my exes  relationship on Facebook and I know he is still lying. It will catch up. I am glad not to be questioning a liar anymore... .I have to start there. Start with something you don't like and focus on it. Realize they are doing it to the next person... .that person has weak boundaries. They will find out. Our exes will also find out that maybe the grass isn't greener and thats when they try to come back. I read it's usually 2/3 years later. Be ready... .get this all out so you can move on. I am afraid too. I am afraid because I remember the good part of the relationship... .we have to realize the bad comes with the good. Struggling comes and goes... .sometimes I think we are making it up in our heads that they are so happy now. Mine told me he wasn't happy and could never be. I believe that... .They have different minds than we do. That's the part that's hard to comprehend. It's like projecting your feelings on to a dog or cat... .they don't think like we do... .in this case they are human, but it's the same. We got sucked in and have to deal with the consequences of not having boundaries... .if we learn from this, we won't have to be afraid of new people. 

[seenr]

BlueHeron you make some great points.

I too have had 'catastrophic thinking' by picturing my ex really happy with someone else. But I think back to when we met, I was so attracted to her and could not understand why her ex husband let her go. 'He didn't want it enough' she said. I was confused as she told me she had moved out and when I asked her that she said 'yeah but he never asked me back'.

Fast forward 8 years and I was told 'you don't want it enough'. In my opinion I'd tried all I could but she could never define what 'it' was.

Are these people ever happy or is their way of operating to constantly destroy and rebuild relationships to keep control? I think about her daughter who has seen her mum in 4 long term relationships and listening to her mum saying each man didn't respect her. But who is the common denominator? Will that daughter think all men are evil or will she see where the problem lies?

I laughed out loud at the 'dog or cat' bit as you are so right - at least with those animals you can make progress but a BPDEX is a lot different. In not sure progress is even possible.

[JerryRG]

#1 They are never happy

#2 Happiness is as deep as their ability to commit

#3 Thier new partners are in for the same we got

#4 They are fake

#5 They had to be fake to attract good people like us

#6 They are eternally broken

#7 They took from us and gave us torment in return

#8 They are cowards

#9 They blame us

#10 They feel no guilt

#11 They feel no shame

#12 They have no conscience

#13 They love seeing us hurt

#14 They are sick

#15 They leave distruction everywhere

#16 They are immature

#17 They are mean and vidictive

#18 They are cruel and uncaring

#19 They are hopeless

#20 They have no respect

#21 They have no boundaries

#22 They never change

We can change, and we do,

And it can begin, only after they are gone.

[seenr]

Brilliant JerryRG

You are doing more to help me then you will ever realise.

[jhkbuzz]

That's the ironic part - he doesn't look happy at all. However, he does appear to have moved on in terms of getting a job, getting married etc, and I'm still stuck at where I was this time last year, which does frustrate me a great big deal. He messes everything up and yet I'm still the one paying for his actions - how is that fair?

Ah... .there it is.  Pay close attention to your internal dialogue; this is why you're suffering.

You can **see** with your own eyes that he does not look happy. But this evidence doesn't matter because it's being overridden by an internal dialogue that you may not be fully aware of.  It goes something like this:

"God, when am I ever going to get over this? I've done all this work and I'm still not sure that I'll ever meet anyone else and be happy, and... .look at him! He's moving on, he met someone else and got married, he's got a new job, life is great for him, and here I am still dealing with all this sh*t... ."

This is a story you're telling yourself. None of it is true; that you won't meet anyone else; that life is all peaches and cream for him. Not true. Just a story you're telling yourself. You have a wide range of choices for your story, but you've settled on this one.

I still remember the day I realized I was doing this, too. I realized that I was actively making myself miserable with these stories I was telling myself. Life didn't magically get "great" for her when she left. She still has the same emotionally destructive tendencies; she still loathes herself, and on top of it all she has to deal with the shame of the truly horrid things she did in our r/s. Doesn't matter that she's moved onto another r/s; she's not magically healthy and whole.

This story that I was telling myself has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her. Truly. I've stopped comparing (her life: great; my life: shi**y) because it's simply not true. Her life isn't great and mine sure isn't shi**y.  I have control over my thoughts; I can stand apart from them to identify and discard the ones that are self-destructive. It's a process (not a one-time event), but it's completely doable.

Does any of this ring true to you on any level?

[Herodias]

That's the ironic part - he doesn't look happy at all. However, he does appear to have moved on in terms of getting a job, getting married etc, and I'm still stuck at where I was this time last year, which does frustrate me a great big deal. He messes everything up and yet I'm still the one paying for his actions - how is that fair?

Ah... .there it is.  Pay close attention to your internal dialogue; this is why you're suffering.

You can **see** with your own eyes that he does not look happy. But this evidence doesn't matter because it's being overridden by an internal dialogue that you may not be fully aware of.  It goes something like this:

"God, when am I ever going to get over this? I've done all this work and I'm still not sure that I'll ever meet anyone else and be happy, and... .look at him! He's moving on, he met someone else and got married, he's got a new job, life is great for him, and here I am still dealing with all this sh*t... ."

This is a story you're telling yourself. None of it is true; that you won't meet anyone else; that life is all peaches and cream for him. Not true. Just a story you're telling yourself. You have a wide range of choices for your story, but you've settled on this one.

I still remember the day I realized I was doing this, too. I realized that I was actively making myself miserable with these stories I was telling myself. Life didn't magically get "great" for her when she left. She still has the same emotionally destructive tendencies; she still loathes herself, and on top of it all she has to deal with the shame of the truly horrid things she did in our r/s. Doesn't matter that she's moved onto another r/s; she's not magically healthy and whole.

This story that I was telling myself has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her. Truly. I've stopped comparing (her life: great; my life: shi**y) because it's simply not true. Her life isn't great and mine sure isn't shi**y.  I have control over my thoughts; I can stand apart from them to identify and discard the ones that are self-destructive. It's a process (not a one-time event), but it's completely doable.

Does any of this ring true to you on any level?

   

Amen to this... .Thank you jhkbuzz, we do choose how to think in our own heads and we can make it good or bad... .It is a bit how they are, but I guess that is how we all work. We need to be real though... .like you said. We can see it for ourselves. Look at reality, but not through rose colored glasses!

[Hopeful83]

So I am exploring both paths in counseling. Boundaries if she comes back and how to be happy away from her.

That sounds healthy and positive. I wish you all the best with it  

[Hopeful83]

YES! It's amazing how true this statement is for me as well. So sorry you are having a tough time. I see feelings come and go myself. Last night I was feeling lonely. Everywhere I went there were families and kids... .It made me feel even more alone. I can sympathize with your thoughts on them running off and moving on as if nothing ever happened and here we are dealing with the messes they make. Paying for it financially and mentally. There is nothing we can do except to try and get a different attitude. One minute I see couples who look so bored with each other or are not getting along and I think, gee, is that what I want? I don't think so... .I am beginning to think I may have a fantasy in my head of a good relationship. We do know that in their next r/s, they are only temporarily "happy", right? You need to understand that. The pattern will continue... .I am convinced of it. I have seen the first year of my exes  relationship on Facebook and I know he is still lying. It will catch up. I am glad not to be questioning a liar anymore... .I have to start there. Start with something you don't like and focus on it. Realize they are doing it to the next person... .that person has weak boundaries. They will find out. Our exes will also find out that maybe the grass isn't greener and thats when they try to come back. I read it's usually 2/3 years later. Be ready... .get this all out so you can move on. I am afraid too. I am afraid because I remember the good part of the relationship... .we have to realize the bad comes with the good. Struggling comes and goes... .sometimes I think we are making it up in our heads that they are so happy now. Mine told me he wasn't happy and could never be. I believe that... .They have different minds than we do. That's the part that's hard to comprehend. It's like projecting your feelings on to a dog or cat... .they don't think like we do... .in this case they are human, but it's the same. We got sucked in and have to deal with the consequences of not having boundaries... .if we learn from this, we won't have to be afraid of new people. 

2-3 years later? Where did you read that? I find it interesting not because I want him to come back but because my relationship lasted three years, hence why I ask... .

I'd like to think I would slam the door in his face if he ever tried to. I've never, ever been hurt this way by anyone, and it's taken me 12 months to get to this point and yet I STILL can slip back into the darkness. I'm angry that I wasted three years of my life with this person.

As someone who's always felt unlovable, it's just easier for me to believe he never loved me, he's perfectly healthy, and he's simply found the woman he wants to be with. And it's a scary thought because I've never had a relationship before and I don't want to believe that the only one that I had was a big fat lie.

[Hopeful83]

#1 They are never happy

#2 Happiness is as deep as their ability to commit

#3 Thier new partners are in for the same we got

#4 They are fake

#5 They had to be fake to attract good people like us

#6 They are eternally broken

#7 They took from us and gave us torment in return

#8 They are cowards

#9 They blame us

#10 They feel no guilt

#11 They feel no shame

#12 They have no conscience

#13 They love seeing us hurt

#14 They are sick

#15 They leave distruction everywhere

#16 They are immature

#17 They are mean and vidictive

#18 They are cruel and uncaring

#19 They are hopeless

#20 They have no respect

#21 They have no boundaries

#22 They never change

We can change, and we do,

And it can begin, only after they are gone.

I feel I should print this off and stick it somewhere in my bedroom. Thanks for sharing.

[Hopeful83]

That's the ironic part - he doesn't look happy at all. However, he does appear to have moved on in terms of getting a job, getting married etc, and I'm still stuck at where I was this time last year, which does frustrate me a great big deal. He messes everything up and yet I'm still the one paying for his actions - how is that fair?

Ah... .there it is.  Pay close attention to your internal dialogue; this is why you're suffering.

You can **see** with your own eyes that he does not look happy. But this evidence doesn't matter because it's being overridden by an internal dialogue that you may not be fully aware of.  It goes something like this:

"God, when am I ever going to get over this? I've done all this work and I'm still not sure that I'll ever meet anyone else and be happy, and... .look at him! He's moving on, he met someone else and got married, he's got a new job, life is great for him, and here I am still dealing with all this sh*t... ."

This is a story you're telling yourself. None of it is true; that you won't meet anyone else; that life is all peaches and cream for him. Not true. Just a story you're telling yourself. You have a wide range of choices for your story, but you've settled on this one.

I still remember the day I realized I was doing this, too. I realized that I was actively making myself miserable with these stories I was telling myself. Life didn't magically get "great" for her when she left. She still has the same emotionally destructive tendencies; she still loathes herself, and on top of it all she has to deal with the shame of the truly horrid things she did in our r/s. Doesn't matter that she's moved onto another r/s; she's not magically healthy and whole.

This story that I was telling myself has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her. Truly. I've stopped comparing (her life: great; my life: shi**y) because it's simply not true. Her life isn't great and mine sure isn't shi**y.  I have control over my thoughts; I can stand apart from them to identify and discard the ones that are self-destructive. It's a process (not a one-time event), but it's completely doable.

Does any of this ring true to you on any level?

Yes, it does, thanks for pointing it out to me. Like I just mentioned to Herodias, I've felt unlovable for pretty much most of my life. When I was with him, it felt like I *finally* found that love that I wanted and craved. I genuinely felt he loved me and never questioned it. It felt so sincere and real to me, so when all this happened it knocked me for six.

Therefore, yes, it's easier for me to believe I was never loved, he's happy, perfectly healthy and found the woman who he loves. That's despite all the evidence to the contrary. I've been through everything in my mind over and over agin, and the conclusion I kept coming back to was that either a) he's extremely unhealthy (you don't swing from loving one person to the other in the space of weeks - and you certainly don't get engaged so quickly after coming out of a three year relationship) or b) his family put a big stop to us getting married - or a combination of the two.

And yet, it's still easier, all these months later, to believe I was never loved and that I'm the issue here. A year's worth of therapy and I'm still doubting myself. I see what you're saying, and I know it's makes so much sense, and I still can't see past my self doubt and insecurities at this moment in time.

I feel incredibly low right now.

[Herodias]

The 2/3 years came up in one of the millions of articles I have read on personality disorders... .I feel like it helps me to understand I had nothing to do with it. In normal relationships there are things both partners could do different. Not here. I know I seemed controlling to him, but he was out of control. It would never have been any different. I was very very forgiving and he had all the freedom he wanted. It was not me. My mistake was not taking care of myself.

[seenr]

Sorry to hear you are feeling low Hopeful83

I have just spent most of the last two days alone (my choice) and feel low too but I am doing this for a reason. For a long time I have run away from things in order to not feel pain. I've drank, got involved in sport, anything but feel the pain. I have a counselling session tomorrow night and wanted to confront as much pain as possible before then. So I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling low.

You say about never having felt loved and certainly before I met my BPDex I felt like that. I'd had relationships but nothing as magnetic as with her. I have read so much about mirroring, BPD and NPD that I have wondered if she was in love at all. But even recently she told me she didn't think it was capable to love someone as much as she loved me. She says that I hurt her and she found it very hard to get any intimacy back after a breakup while she was pregnant. The thing is our version of events differ and when I floated my ideas on what happened they were dismissed. We had to accept her version or nothing.

Where I am going to with this is that my counsellor has asked if others have ever found me attractive. At first I said 'no only her' but when I began thinking I could remember 7-8 women who had found me attractive. I had turned the majority down for a number of reasons mainly because I went back to one of two major exes.

I am feeling like I will never be loved like that again but simple mathematics come into play. So if say 20 people found us attractive in the past and there are 7 billion people in the world, aren't the chances that at least one person will love us in our favour? :-)

What I am trying to do right now is confront the pain and tackle it. It is immensely difficult and hurts so much. But I think back to a friend of mine many years ago who had his heart broken after a 6 month relationship. He told me he cried, went for midnight walks alone, he just soldiered on until he got to a point where he had her out of his system and got himself back. He is long since married now and has three lovely kids.

We all want to feel loved. It is so natural and comforting. Losing it with one person is difficult. When that person has BPD it is exponentially tougher. I'm not giving up hope of finding love again and neither should you. If you at the very least think of what you offered to this person you know you can offer that to someone else.

[Hopeful83]

Sorry to hear you are feeling low Hopeful83

I have just spent most of the last two days alone (my choice) and feel low too but I am doing this for a reason. For a long time I have run away from things in order to not feel pain. I've drank, got involved in sport, anything but feel the pain. I have a counselling session tomorrow night and wanted to confront as much pain as possible before then. So I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling low.

You say about never having felt loved and certainly before I met my BPDex I felt like that. I'd had relationships but nothing as magnetic as with her. I have read so much about mirroring, BPD and NPD that I have wondered if she was in love at all. But even recently she told me she didn't think it was capable to love someone as much as she loved me. She says that I hurt her and she found it very hard to get any intimacy back after a breakup while she was pregnant. The thing is our version of events differ and when I floated my ideas on what happened they were dismissed. We had to accept her version or nothing.

Where I am going to with this is that my counsellor has asked if others have ever found me attractive. At first I said 'no only her' but when I began thinking I could remember 7-8 women who had found me attractive. I had turned the majority down for a number of reasons mainly because I went back to one of two major exes.

I am feeling like I will never be loved like that again but simple mathematics come into play. So if say 20 people found us attractive in the past and there are 7 billion people in the world, aren't the chances that at least one person will love us in our favour? :-)

What I am trying to do right now is confront the pain and tackle it. It is immensely difficult and hurts so much. But I think back to a friend of mine many years ago who had his heart broken after a 6 month relationship. He told me he cried, went for midnight walks alone, he just soldiered on until he got to a point where he had her out of his system and got himself back. He is long since married now and has three lovely kids.

We all want to feel loved. It is so natural and comforting. Losing it with one person is difficult. When that person has BPD it is exponentially tougher. I'm not giving up hope of finding love again and neither should you. If you at the very least think of what you offered to this person you know you can offer that to someone else.

My cousin said the other day "He just didn't love you enough" with her limited knowledge of what happened at the end. I don't think she understood the impact of her words because I'm sure she wouldn't have said it had she known, but they hurt like hell, because as irrational as it sounds, if he didn't love me enough - this man who I shared three years of my life with, who told me i was the love of his life and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - didn't love me enough, it just makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

I don't know. I feel like I'm falling to pieces today.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, it does, thanks for pointing it out to me. Like I just mentioned to Herodias, I've felt unlovable for pretty much most of my life. When I was with him, it felt like I *finally* found that love that I wanted and craved. I genuinely felt he loved me and never questioned it. It felt so sincere and real to me, so when all this happened it knocked me for six.

Exactly the same here. I've had that same "unlovable" feeling; I also thought she was the "one" - thought she was truly one of the finest people I had ever met. Until the disorder chugged full steam ahead and the lying and cheating began.

But this is the thing: her love for me was real, it was sincere. Unless your ex had sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies, it was real. He really loved you but the disorder makes it impossible for him to sustain it - he doesn't have the emotional maturity. Neither did my ex.

Therefore, yes, it's easier for me to believe I was never loved, he's happy, perfectly healthy and found the woman who he loves. That's despite all the evidence to the contrary.

This is YOUR little piece of disordered thinking. And this has absolutely NOTHING to do with him, it's all about you. Digged to the root of your feelings of low self esteem/unlovability is your work now.

I've been through everything in my mind over and over again, and the conclusion I kept coming back to was that either a) he's extremely unhealthy (you don't swing from loving one person to the other in the space of weeks - and you certainly don't get engaged so quickly after coming out of a three year relationship) or b) his family put a big stop to us getting married - or a combination of the two.

YES, maybe, maybe. My ex found an immediate replacement - she had absolutely no down time at the end of our 8 year r/s.  At the time the r/s ended I was pretty confused about whether or not she was disordered - and that was a huge red flag.

And yet, it's still easier, all these months later, to believe I was never loved and that I'm the issue here. A year's worth of therapy and I'm still doubting myself. I see what you're saying, and I know it's makes so much sense, and I still can't see past my self doubt and insecurities at this moment in time.

Keep working at it - I'm almost two years out, have been in therapy since the b/u, and there is a WORLD of difference between how I felt at the 1 year mark and how I feel today.  

I feel incredibly low right now.

I understand. It will pass - you're "struggling for some unknown reason" because you're growing and changing - and you WILL feel better soon. We're here for you.

[Moselle]

I don't know. I feel like I'm falling to pieces today.

This is actually quite healthy. To admit where you are, and externalise it on a forum like this. Well done  There's lots of residual stuff there from BPD relationships, and its a positive day when it all comes out. Because that means its not festering inside.

I read earlier that you feel unlovable. Sorry to hear that,  I can imagine that certainly is a concern.

How can you re-frame that?

Perhaps, "I grew up in an environment, where I was led to believe that I am unlovable. As an adult I now realise that this was someone else's script and stuff. I know that I am very lovable in fact, I am an overflowing miracle, and  by loving myself I am opening up a new and exciting chapter of my life".

It might seem trite, but I believe recovery is about embracing a new mindset. A mindset which reinforces self love or compassion. These mindsets can bring about the step changes you were talking about in terms of job progress etc.

I'm so excited to watch the England rugby team at the moment. 8 months ago they were "no-hopers", the first host nation not to advance to the knock out stages of their own World Cup. 5 months later they won the European Grand Slam. 8 months later, yesterday, they beat Australia 3-0 in a test series (the first time since 1971, that any team has done so). In fact they have not lost a game since that day 3 September 2015. They used a book called "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. Its nice to see concrete examples of people or teams who have turned it around. They worked hard at cultivating a winning mindset. They did so before they started winning. We can do the same.

[HurtinNW]

So many lovely replies here!

I wanted to chime in there is such a thing as a trauma anniversary. In foster-adoption circles we call these "trauma-versaries."

People who have experienced trauma often are reminded of it at key times. For many kids of alcoholics, holidays were horrible, so something like Thanksgiving or Christmas might be a trauma-versary. It's true our bodies store these memories, and when those days come up, we are reminded as well. I often start feeling very sad in March, and I have to remind myself that is when my brother committed suicide. So what you are going through is completely normal. We cycle back through these traumas, but the good news is over time, if we are healing and open with ourselves, it does better.

I've always felt unloveable too. For me it is from my childhood, and my mother. Where is it from for you?

I know things are tough, but is there anything you can do for self-care? Work out, go for walks, read some new books, hot baths, anything to wrap yourself up in comfort? You are worth it, and yes, you are loveable.

[Hopeful83]

But this is the thing: her love for me was real, it was sincere. Unless your ex had sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies, it was real. He really loved you but the disorder makes it impossible for him to sustain it - he doesn't have the emotional maturity. Neither did my ex.

Therefore, yes, it's easier for me to believe I was never loved, he's happy, perfectly healthy and found the woman who he loves. That's despite all the evidence to the contrary.

This is YOUR little piece of disordered thinking. And this has absolutely NOTHING to do with him, it's all about you. Digged to the root of your feelings of low self esteem/unlovability is your work now.

I've been through everything in my mind over and over again, and the conclusion I kept coming back to was that either a) he's extremely unhealthy (you don't swing from loving one person to the other in the space of weeks - and you certainly don't get engaged so quickly after coming out of a three year relationship) or b) his family put a big stop to us getting married - or a combination of the two.

YES, maybe, maybe. My ex found an immediate replacement - she had absolutely no down time at the end of our 8 year r/s.  At the time the r/s ended I was pretty confused about whether or not she was disordered - and that was a huge red flag.

And yet, it's still easier, all these months later, to believe I was never loved and that I'm the issue here. A year's worth of therapy and I'm still doubting myself. I see what you're saying, and I know it's makes so much sense, and I still can't see past my self doubt and insecurities at this moment in time.

Keep working at it - I'm almost two years out, have been in therapy since the b/u, and there is a WORLD of difference between how I felt at the 1 year mark and how I feel today.  

I feel incredibly low right now.

I understand. It will pass - you're "struggling for some unknown reason" because you're growing and changing - and you WILL feel better soon. We're here for you.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It really helps to read other people's perspectives and stories. I like thinking of it in that way - that he couldn't sustain that love for whatever reason. It's a good way of thinking about it and one that stops me from ruminating on "he never loved me, I'm unlovable"

Because right now I'm back in the thick of it and this faulty thinking is going through my mind. I know I *need* to take care of myself right now, but even that feels like such a massive effort. I feel trapped in a way, frustrated that nothing seems to be working out the way I want it to, and I feel it enables me to look back instead of moving forward.

This board is a lifesaver, that's all I know for sure.

[Hopeful83]

I don't know. I feel like I'm falling to pieces today.

This is actually quite healthy. To admit where you are, and externalise it on a forum like this. Well done  There's lots of residual stuff there from BPD relationships, and its a positive day when it all comes out. Because that means its not festering inside.

I read earlier that you feel unlovable. Sorry to hear that,  I can imagine that certainly is a concern.

How can you re-frame that?

Perhaps, "I grew up in an environment, where I was led to believe that I am unlovable. As an adult I now realise that this was someone else's script and stuff. I know that I am very lovable in fact, I am an overflowing miracle, and  by loving myself I am opening up a new and exciting chapter of my life".

It might seem trite, but I believe recovery is about embracing a new mindset. A mindset which reinforces self love or compassion. These mindsets can bring about the step changes you were talking about in terms of job progress etc.

I'm so excited to watch the England rugby team at the moment. 8 months ago they were "no-hopers", the first host nation not to advance to the knock out stages of their own World Cup. 5 months later they won the European Grand Slam. 8 months later, yesterday, they beat Australia 3-0 in a test series (the first time since 1971, that any team has done so). In fact they have not lost a game since that day 3 September 2015. They used a book called "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. Its nice to see concrete examples of people or teams who have turned it around. They worked hard at cultivating a winning mindset. They did so before they started winning. We can do the same.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I like that way of reframing that, and it's certainly something I'm trying to work on. I know this is all stuff from my childhood. My parents divorced when I was nine and before that there wasn't much love between them. The marriage began to break down quite early on, and it just deteriorated until it got to the point that my dad was staying out for days on end. My mum was permanently distracted, so I wasn't getting my needs met. Post divorce it was worse, as I was the one responsible for my mum's needs (a role that always seems to fall on the eldest). I had to grow up very fast. Add to that all we did was argue (screaming matches, that is), it wasn't a healthy environment to grow up in. My grandma also insisted on telling me my dad didn't love me because if he did he would be with the family.

Let's just say that by the age of 15 I was plotting my escape. I put my head down, studied hard, got great grades and left for uni.

There's a lot of old stuff here I need to work with, which is what I'm trying to do. I never realised what a negative impact it all had on me until now - I have inherently grown up believing I'm unloveable, and so it's easy for me to default back to this way of thinking.

Add to that an ex who said he loved me one minute and was engaged to someone else the next, it's not wonder I feel the way I do right now.

[Hopeful83]

So many lovely replies here!

I wanted to chime in there is such a thing as a trauma anniversary. In foster-adoption circles we call these "trauma-versaries."

People who have experienced trauma often are reminded of it at key times. For many kids of alcoholics, holidays were horrible, so something like Thanksgiving or Christmas might be a trauma-versary. It's true our bodies store these memories, and when those days come up, we are reminded as well. I often start feeling very sad in March, and I have to remind myself that is when my brother committed suicide. So what you are going through is completely normal. We cycle back through these traumas, but the good news is over time, if we are healing and open with ourselves, it does better.

I've always felt unloveable too. For me it is from my childhood, and my mother. Where is it from for you?

I know things are tough, but is there anything you can do for self-care? Work out, go for walks, read some new books, hot baths, anything to wrap yourself up in comfort? You are worth it, and yes, you are loveable.

Hurtin, thanks for this - I did a bit more reading on trauma-versaries and it certainly sounds like that's what's happening to me right now. I feel like I'm right back there - back to all the initial self doubt and faulty way of thinking that I went through at the beginning of the breakup. It's like all the work I've done over the last 12 months has gone out of the window in an instant, and it's a bit scary. I spoke to my dad yesterday who told me it's a good thing I at least know what is most likely causing it, and I should just ride through the storm constantly reminding myself that it's temporary and this feeling will lift.

Yes, for me it's from my childhood, too. I wrote a little bit about it in my reply just above to Moselle. I think for years I downplayed how bad my childhood was. I think it was partly because I thought "Well, some people go through way worse than what I did and they don't whinge about it so what's your problem." But now when I sit and think of the things that happened back then, there's no doubt in my mind I was emotionally, and at times physically, abused. I was the scapegoat for everything that went wrong it my mother's life, and I was also her source of love, strength and advice when she needed me. So there was a lot of "I love you" and "I hate you" going on from her - it's no wonder I grew up confused. And as I mentioned to Moselle, I also had my grandma telling me my dad didn't love me because he wasn't with us. I never fully understood the impact of those words until a few years back when I started to allow myself to think about all of this.

I think I need to focus more on this stuff in therapy, as it's certainly the root cause. It's so much easier for me to believe I wasn't loved than to think my ex potentially had BPD traits or a family who was never going to allow him to marry a white woman. And this causes me a great deal of sadness - that I doubt myself in this way, because during the relationship I never once doubted that he loved me. And yet now it's easier for me to think I was delusional and in a one-sided relationship, despite all evidence to the contrary at the time.