Did I just take a huge step back?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

[background: only child of uBPD mum, am working to undo huge painful enmeshment]

I usually speak to my mum every day and see her every 10 days - 2 weeks. After a massive conflict with me and my partner, my mum banned us from the house for Fathers' Day weekend. Since then I have been working hard at Medium Chill and (comparatively) Low Contact. I've ignored the sad voice on the phone, the fact that she doesn't ask me any questions about my day beyond the very basics. I haven't tried to prolong conversations.

Yesterday this blew up. She said things like "talking to you is like talking to a stranger", "you're cutting me off", "you're distancing me" - all of which was true, because when she blows up at me (as 2 weeks ago), I honestly find it totally disabling - panic attacks, sleeplessness, crying, physical pain from suppressed rage, social anxiety, end up cancelling everything. She is going away for 2.5 weeks on holiday and the next time we see her will be 6 weeks since her last visit, in a high-stress situation involving my partner and my dad (who has no idea what went on - telling him will only inflame everything again). She said she was hurt I hadn't arranged to meet up with her before she went but I thought she had made it totally clear she didn't want to see me... .and I said to her I was scared that we would get into another fight, she'd be very upset and it would set everything back.

I'm so angry with her and with myself, I feel like I didn't set boundaries at all. I was honest about some things (which went better than it would have done a few years ago) but still the fog of FOG descended and after we hung up (on reasonably ok terms) I was furious at all the things I didn't, DIDN'T say. I still assumed blame I don't actually feel that I deserve.  I feel such a failure. I have very very strong, painful, negative feelings towards myself.

[anyplacesafe]

[background: only child of uBPD mum, am working to undo huge painful enmeshment]

I usually speak to my mum every day and see her every 10 days - 2 weeks. After a massive conflict with me and my partner, my mum banned us from the house for Fathers' Day weekend. Since then I have been working hard at Medium Chill and (comparatively) Low Contact. I've ignored the sad voice on the phone, the fact that she doesn't ask me any questions about my day beyond the very basics. I haven't tried to prolong conversations.

Yesterday this blew up. She said things like "talking to you is like talking to a stranger", "you're cutting me off", "you're distancing me" - all of which was true, because when she blows up at me (as 2 weeks ago), I honestly find it totally disabling - panic attacks, sleeplessness, crying, physical pain from suppressed rage, social anxiety, end up cancelling everything. She is going away for 2.5 weeks on holiday and the next time we see her will be 6 weeks since her last visit, in a high-stress situation involving my partner and my dad (who has no idea what went on - telling him will only inflame everything again). She said she was hurt I hadn't arranged to meet up with her before she went but I thought she had made it totally clear she didn't want to see me... .and I said to her I was scared that we would get into another fight, she'd be very upset and it would set everything back.

I'm so angry with her and with myself, I feel like I didn't set boundaries at all. I was honest about some things (which went better than it would have done a few years ago) but still the fog of FOG descended and after we hung up (on reasonably ok terms) I was furious at all the things I didn't, DIDN'T say. I still assumed blame I don't actually feel that I deserve.  I feel such a failure. I have very very strong, painful, negative feelings towards myself.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Anyplacesafe,

You have been through a lot lately and no wonder that you feel so upset. Completely understandable. When my uBPDm went into one of her rages, I reacted much the same as you. You are not alone!

I know that while such words can be helpful, they don't fix the hurt inside. I think it's a positive sign that you have recognized how you feel and that is a good thing.  . Actually it is indeed okay that you are experiencing these feelings for they help you to see. The view through the FOG is getting better and you are understanding more of how your mom affects you. Have you read about FOG? Here is the link for you:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

What mental tools do you have to help you so far? For example, what are you reading to understand BPD, or do you have a T, trusted SAFE friends to speak with, etc.?  Do you feel that you are in a state of emotional triggering? Pete Walker references this state to which we may fall into:

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness./i]

In my toolbox, I have this list which I've pulled out many times to help me get through what you are experiencing: www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Please let us know how you are doing as the day goes on. Take some deep breaths, be kind to yourself and the little child inside of you because this is all you've ever known. You'll get through this. We are here to walk alongside you. 

 

Wools

[anyplacesafe]

Hi Wools,

Your post was so incredibly kind, it took me a while to digest because it hit so hard. I do have a therapist but find it hard to get through week to week. My partner is great but I don't want to burden her too much, not least because I don't want *her* to be unable to deal with being around my mother. I am reading about BPD and also online resources about working through my anger and self-sabotage. Emotional triggering/flashbacks... .god, that was a tough read. Can it really be flashbacks if I don't *see* the past? But the intense episodes of fear and despair, and the sorrow and enraged bit... .and the inhibiting and isolating feelings. God, it's me. It's exactly me. It's so... poor little thing. I feel so sorry the terrified, small, tiny little creature inside of me. I didn't know how else to cope with any of it. I had to make it all up as I went along. It wasn't fair. Somebody should have reached in and helped me! Somebody should have seen. And how can my mum NOT see what she put me through? What she still does? I'm not a terrible person. I was only a baby. I had to cope, however I could. I was so alone and scared. Somebody should have helped me. If I could go back in time, as an adult, I would march in there, rescue that child, and get out. I would never, never let my mother see that child again until she had worked on herself and changed. But I can never rescue her. I feel like she's still trapped there, suffering, and the abuse keeps playing out over and over again, in history. There's nobody coming to rescue me. I am not safe, I'm alone.

OK, so as you might guess, I had a huge cry while writing the above and actually feel a little better. So that's something. The hard thing is that when I talk to my mum now and she's nice, I feel bitter and sullen and disinclined to try. Like all the energy for "trying" has just gone. I want that to pass. It's funny how resistant I've felt to the idea that I'm having flashbacks - I thought those were for combat veterans who see Baghdad in front of their eyes or similar. I'm so grateful for your reply.

Re: the FOG, I think my mum oscillates between Punisher and Self-Punisher, often very rapidly! Is that possible?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Anyplacesafe, 

How are your doing? I am glad the information I shared with you about flashbacks was helpful. It is shocking,   isn't it, as truth comes to light?  The first time I heard about PTSD in relation to returning soldiers (as you mentioned), I suddenly thought, "Oh my goodness! Their reactions sound like mine!" But I didn't believe that could actually be me either. When I spoke to my T about this, he pulled out his DSM book, and we read through the description of PTSD. I felt like the bottom of my world dropped out from under my feet, and I cried to think of how severely my childhood had influenced me.

If I could go back in time, as an adult, I would march in there, rescue that child, and get out. I would never, never let my mother see that child again until she had worked on herself and changed. But I can never rescue her. I feel like she's still trapped there, suffering, and the abuse keeps playing out over and over again, in history. There's nobody coming to rescue me. I am not safe, I'm alone.

Here's the really good news: you CAN help her and free the little one inside you! As bizarre as it may seem, you can get to know your inner child, comfort her, and offer her protection and safety. Neither of you are alone. I work on this nearly every day with my Little Wools at several different ages of her life.

Does your inner child have a name? Maybe you can take time to go to a quiet place and introduce yourself to her. Take her to the playground and swing together.

 
Wools

[Fie]

Hello Anyplacesafe and Woolspinner,

I can totally relate and I am hugging both of you, little Anyplacesafe and little Wools. 
  
Please read the book 'It's never too late to be happy ! Reparenting yourself for happiness', from Muriel James.
I just read it and it's doing wonders for me. I am actually starting to like the little kid I was, while before I just hated it. I am also trying to replace old thinking patterns, installed by my parents, by new ones.

Can someone please tell me how I can find my earlier posts ? There is a post where I described an excercise of talking to your child-version that I would like to copy paste for you.

[Coral]

BEST WORDS uttered by my therapist re: BPD sib.  "It's not 'if', it's WHEN she'll get you next as long as she's in your life."  Best words to live by re: BPD, IMHO

[Panda39]

Fie,

Click on settings in the green tool bar at the top of the page and scroll down to the "show last posts of this person" link and click on it.  That will bring up all of your past posts.

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

I still assumed blame I don't actually feel that I deserve.

Hi Anyplacesafe

I’m so sorry that your tangled up in the FOG, the example you gave isn’t your fault and its progress for you to realise you’re unfairly blaming yourself. After all we were trained to take the BPD's blame. In answer to your last question about your mom oscillating - yes they can do that, push and pull, "I hate you don't leave me." style.

But I would just reaffirm the good advice Wools has given you, but also add that I was in the place you are now a couple of years ago, and my T and this website taught me strategies to heal. I’ve gone from being triggered every day to once in a blue moon. You may want to consider how much exposure you have to your triggers, as to heal you need time to focus on yourself, rather than deal with too many outside stresses.

You should celebrate every step of success you’ve made. E.g. realising your mom has BPD, realising you’re gripped by FOG and being unjustly blamed (by yourself at times), and finding this website so you can explore all of this in a safe environment. That is some progress, you’re trucking in the right direction. So what’s do you want to work on next in your recovery ?  

[anyplacesafe]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for your replies and breathing life back into the thread. I was just logging on because although my mum hasn't done anything for 10 days, things have been fine, I am really, really struggling.

Wools, it's just awful. I am definitely in the midst of a flashback-type episode. Not "seeing" anything but feeling, constantly, this terrible pain and panic. I'm trying to be in touch with the feelings but I feel so hopeless.

I still assumed blame I don't actually feel that I deserve.

the example you gave isn’t your fault and its progress for you to realise you’re unfairly blaming yourself. After all we were trained to take the BPD's blame. In answer to your last question about your mom oscillating - yes they can do that, push and pull, "I hate you don't leave me." style.

But I would just reaffirm the good advice Wools has given you, but also add that I was in the place you are now a couple of years ago, and my T and this website taught me strategies to heal. I’ve gone from being triggered every day to once in a blue moon. You may want to consider how much exposure you have to your triggers, as to heal you need time to focus on yourself, rather than deal with too many outside stresses.

By triggers, do you just mean "my mum"? The thing is, I've been less exposed to her but I keep thinking about her all the time. Plus there is massive outside stress since I am getting married in less than 2 months. Part of me just wants to keep on keeping on until the wedding but I feel so damaged by everything. I am so panicky.

Can someone please tell me how I can find my earlier posts ? There is a post where I described an excercise of talking to your child-version that I would like to copy paste for you.

I'd be very glad to hear this!

My partner says she thinks I'm handling this conflict way better than past ones, but of course me NOT collapsing and grovelling has prolonged the conflict, and I think I'm probably suffering MORE than I have in the past! Also, re-experiencing each set of memories as per Step 4 of the survival guide is just massively, massively depressing. How do I make it through that? If I'm meant to be doing even the simplest task and all my cognitive load is going on remembering?

[HappyChappy]

By triggers, do you just mean "my mum"? The thing is, I've been less exposed to her but I keep thinking about her all the time. Plus there is massive outside stress since I am getting married in less than 2 months. Part of me just wants to keep on keeping on until the wedding but I feel so damaged by everything. I am so panicky.

By triggers, these are often events. So my BPD mum use to spit in my face for no apparent reason. So when someone near me spat on the floor, it use to trigger me. Now, CBT has reprogrammed me to believe they’re probably clearing their throat. Hence why your Mum doesn’t need to be there for the trigger. List all the triggers and then the unhealthy thought, then replace it with a more appropriate one. Here’s an example of how CBT  can help that:

Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program (CBT)

But CBT is a long term fix, right now you’ve got a wedding (congratulations) but that’s alot of stress. When stressed you tend to be more easily triggered. Are you inviting your Mum ? Can you see any easy ways to reduce stress in your life currently ? Maybe start with an e-hug ?  

[Fie]

Hello Anyplacesafe,

Here is the excercise. I read it in the book 'fear' from Thich Nhat Hanh.

He describes to put two  pillows on the  ground, face to face. The one pillow is for the child-you. You can go sit on it, and 'be' the child you were. You can speak out your child fears, with a child voice, etc.

After that (and this can take a while because of course it can become pretty emotional), you go sit on the other pillow. Now you are an adult. You look at the empty pillow, where the child-you was. You talk as an adult now, and you address the child-you, compassionately. You say things as 'We are an adult now, it's all over, life is good now, we are not powerless anymore, etc.

I also have a picture of myself as a two year old child in my bedroom. I used to hate  to look at pictures from when I was small. Because I didn't like myself of course. Now I just think I look like a sweet kid. I dug up the photograph after having done the excercise I mentioned. For a few weeks, every night I talked to my picture.
Now I still sometimes do it, but I'm ok with myself as a child, so I don't need  it as much anymore.

Thanks for your post. I think I could be going through emotional  flashbacks myself at the moment. My grandmother, who I love very much, is dying. Normally I was supposed to travel, but I cancelled my trip to be here for her. Of course as a child of a BPDm the dying of grandma brings up my abandonment issues, but I felt there was more, and it had to do with the canceling of the trip. After thinking about your post, I realized that my feelings could be emotional flashbacks. When I was with my BPD ex something similar as with the trip canceling, happened. Now I just feel panicky, and I feel there is more involved then 'just' my grandma dying.

Hang in there, you are not alone.