Depersonalizing without growing cold

[Hmcbart]

I'm struggling with how to depersonalize attacks without growing cold.  I understand the attacks are mostly projection but when I depersonalize them it only makes me more resentful.  This is especially true when it is something that I have brought up many times before that I needed from my wife only to be met with anger and hostility. 

I guess lately I've been restraining my emotions and feelings.  I know I don't try very hard to show love and affection. I guess I'm just so empty after so many years of fighting to get those needs met by her.  Lately she has started to notice and is now asking me why I don't say "I love you" and things like that.  I do still tell her I love you but I guess not as much as before.  The little things like affection that have gone largely unmet by her, now are her complaints that I'm not doing. 

It's not that I'm playing tit-for-tat, I just don't have a lot left these days to give her.  I don't go out of my way anymore like I have before.  I feel like I have depersonalized my feeling all together and not just when being attacked.  I don't rebound as quickly as before if at all. 

I guess I'm just ranting to anyone who will listen.  I pretty much think I know the answers to any of my qurstions.  I'm just not 100% ready to say them out loud.  Oh, fun days. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

It's not that I'm playing tit-for-tat, I just don't have a lot left these days to give her.  I don't go out of my way anymore like I have before.  I feel like I have depersonalized my feeling all together and not just when being attacked.  I don't rebound as quickly as before if at all. 

I completely understand this.  I experienced the same thing in my relationship.  As I became more emotionally compromised as a result of her behavior I became more withdrawn and distant, both emotionally and physically, especially in the last 6 months.  At the time I had no idea about BPD, I was just a lost rubber ducky at sea. 

For myself, I handled her "outbreaks" like I do with most people and just let them pass me by instead of absorbing them internally.  I will admit though it can be difficult at times to not take things personally and it does wear you down emotionally even if you don't internalize it.  I found in retrospect that I was able to minimize her dysregulations by keeping a certain emotional distance from her ... .walking the line between push and pull.  This distance however, in my eyes, is no longer a romantic relationship as there is little to no emotional intimacy anymore.  This was tough on me and her.

How do you think you can find a way to walk this line and still get at least some of your emotional needs met?

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for your insight C.Stein.  As for your question, I don't know.  We've been together almost 20 years.  It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I came out if the fog.  At her insisting we went to MC. That was when the light came on and realized that we were supposed to compromise and work together instead of everything being one sided.  I took this new knowledge to heart and things went down hill from there.

I guess the answer at this point is I don't honestly know if I can.  I've tried and feel I've done a pretty good job of walking that line but her actions haven't really been there.  I guess I stopped hoping that she would at least try to meet my emotional needs.  It was always like Lucy and the football.  Promises with no follow through. 

Lately I've been talking to a friend about everything.  It really helps a lot.  Her husband and I are good friends but she listens and talks me down a lot of times.  It's nice to hear someone tell you that you're a good person and a great father without having to prompt them to do it first. 

That's how it has been with my wife for so long.  The only time she give affection is when she starts noticing I'm done.  Then afterwards she starts an argument and uses that against me.  I don't know how many times I've heard "I tell you I love you like you want me to. We had sex like you wanted to (3 times this year and like pulling teeth for it to happen). But you're still not happy". It gets old after a while. 

I don't know anymore if I even want to walk that line.  Hindsight is a cold and bitter thing when you run out of positive memories to counteract the negatives.  A lot of decisions to make, just not sure if I'm strong enough yet to make them. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

I am in a similar situation as you and I also struggle with depersonalizing without acting like a jerk sometimes.  The goal is to remain indifferent and that can be very hard when you are not getting your needs met, especially your need for sex.  It feels frustrating when the person you are married to literally has almost no time for the relationship, or seemingly no interest.  I decided a couple of weeks ago not to pursue sex and to kind of just live my dream, focus on my company, etc.  I can't spend a ton of time worrying about why she remains so distant.  It just creates tons of negative energy for me that I don't need or want.  I also have been working hard on myself, learning about women in general, why they test you a lot, etc.  Getting in touch with my masculinity has helped our relationship quite a bit. 

[Hmcbart]

I'm in the pull part of the roller coaster at the moment. She has been noticing my distencing and has begun trying to pull me back.  Questioning why I don't say I love as often things like that.  She actually texted me saying that I was "lacking in the area of making me feal like you love me".  I actually laughed out loud.  I put too much pressure on sex for too many years.  I think it's was because of the affection that was completely absent. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

I'm in the pull part of the roller coaster at the moment. She has been noticing my distencing and has begun trying to pull me back.  Questioning why I don't say I love as often things like that.  She actually texted me saying that I was "lacking in the area of making me feal like you love me".  I actually laughed out loud.  I put too much pressure on sex for too many years.  I think it's was because of the affection that was completely absent. 

Could be that the desire for sex was really about intimacy and affection, interesting take.  I told my buddy about that who was obsessed with sex with his ex-BPDw and he said is no longer obsessed anymore. 

[waverider]

Does it come and go, or is it consistently simmering away?

Is it really resentment or simply loss of respect?

Respect comes from appreciating someone else's effort, regardless of result.

Resentment comes from your ongoing exposure to the consequences of someones actions.

Frustration is fleeting and settles down to a normal baseline inbetween episodes, as opposed to resentment which is always at an elevated level

[Hmcbart]

Used to be frustration but now it leans more towards resentment. 

[BestVersionOfMe]

Used to be frustration but now it leans more towards resentment. 

Resentment is a very powerful emotion in a relationship which creates chaos even when an interaction isn't really chaotic.  They say holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will harm the other person.  What are you getting out of being resentful?  How is that helping you in this relationship?

[Cat Familiar]

I feel like I recently got rid of a backlog of resentment that had built up for years. What helped was writing and reading here plus doing therapy. I still get frustrated and I'm quite disappointed that this marriage isn't what I thought it would be--I believed the classic BPD advertising, the product was a let down and customer service doesn't give a damn.

But I'm no longer resentful, just aware that my expectations didn't meet reality.

[jrharvey]

I feel for you. I dont have any answers but I have been there before and still am. So many times I thought I could just give and give love when she was being cold and pushing me away. Eventually I got tired of trying and just mirrored the amount of attention she gave me. Then on came the anger, put downs and acusations because i wasnt showing enough affection. Something apparently was wrong with me and I was trying to hurt her so she thought. I must be doing something wrong because I didnt walk up and kiss her when I was really just tired of being rejected. Even trying to express my feelings just gets anger back because she says I need to understand her feelings first then we can address mine. LOL. Its crazy how this all works.

[waverider]

I feel for you. I dont have any answers but I have been there before and still am. So many times I thought I could just give and give love when she was being cold and pushing me away. Eventually I got tired of trying and just mirrored the amount of attention she gave me. Then on came the anger, put downs and acusations because i wasnt showing enough affection. Something apparently was wrong with me and I was trying to hurt her so she thought. I must be doing something wrong because I didnt walk up and kiss her when I was really just tired of being rejected. Even trying to express my feelings just gets anger back because she says I need to understand her feelings first then we can address mine. LOL. Its crazy how this all works.

Sometimes people withold approval as they gain validation when people strive for their approval. They dont give the approval easily as it is the process they want to continue rather than the end result.  Affection can be used by some pwBPD in the same way.

Without that power dynamic they feel vulnerable, leading to the Emotional Cripple Personality. Ultimately its a defense mechanism