I miss him

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

Well, I never thought I'd be starting a thread with this subject line, but given the year I've had I shouldn't really be surprised by anything anymore.

I recently passed my one year anniversary - breakup anniversary, that is. I posted on here a few days back when I was in the thick of it, explaining how it had brought up all the crappy emotions I went through last year. All the self-doubt came back and I felt absolutely horrendous. I'm still not feeling 100 per cent better.

My breakup was awful and unexpected. We unraveled within weeks and it seemingly came out of nowhere. Within two months he was engaged to someone else. Family opposition to us getting married and BPD traits are what I put it down to.

Earlier this week when my dad came to visit me he asked me ":)o you miss him? (my ex)" and my instant reaction was to say "No, I hate him," which couldn't be further from the truth. Hate is one emotion I've managed to keep at bay through most of this experience, so I knew instantly that to answer in that way it meant that I was trying to cover up the fact my dad had touched upon something.

I do miss him.

I believe this is the first time I've been able to actually miss him. I've been too hurt, angry, confused, depressed over the last 12 months to miss him. So this has crept up on me and it's making me feel incredibly sad.

In a way, I wish our relationship was worse than what it was. You could say being raged at isn't exactly the recipe for a healthy relationship, and believe me, I haven't forgotten that side to things - the rages were awful and I don't miss them at all. But on the flip side, it was a relationship full of love and affection. He really made the effort to meet my needs in whatever way he could. He could be the most thoughtful man. He was funny and charming and kind and loved my family as much as he loved me. We were compatible on so many different levels.

And I miss all the silly, small things, like waking up and knowing I could look forward to a full day of us doing nothing more than cooking, house chores and watching crappy TV. Or seeking out a new breakfast joint. Or going on another adventure. I miss waking up to him every morning. I miss having someone care enough to find out how my day is going - every single day. I miss going to the frigging garden centre or supermarket with him. I miss his stupid sense of humour, his laugh when he'd make fun of something stupid I'd said. I miss the hugs he'd give me when I was feeling down about stuff. He just had this way of knowing how to make me feel better about things. I don't just miss being in a couple - I miss being in a couple with HIM.

This sucks. I also feel angry that things panned out the way that they did. When will this torture ever end? It seems like the minute I get over one crappy emotion it's replaced with another one. And this particular one is so painful. I'm tearful all the damn time. I'd rather not miss him. I'd rather not go through this. 

I wonder if I should just focus more on the bad side of the relationship, but wouldn't that mean I'm blocking myself from feeling what I'm feeling right now? I don't even know anymore what works and what doesn't and it's very frustrating.

[Hopeful83]

Hi all,

Well, I never thought I'd be starting a thread with this subject line, but given the year I've had I shouldn't really be surprised by anything anymore.

I recently passed my one year anniversary - breakup anniversary, that is. I posted on here a few days back when I was in the thick of it, explaining how it had brought up all the crappy emotions I went through last year. All the self-doubt came back and I felt absolutely horrendous. I'm still not feeling 100 per cent better.

My breakup was awful and unexpected. We unraveled within weeks and it seemingly came out of nowhere. Within two months he was engaged to someone else. Family opposition to us getting married and BPD traits are what I put it down to.

Earlier this week when my dad came to visit me he asked me ":)o you miss him? (my ex)" and my instant reaction was to say "No, I hate him," which couldn't be further from the truth. Hate is one emotion I've managed to keep at bay through most of this experience, so I knew instantly that to answer in that way it meant that I was trying to cover up the fact my dad had touched upon something.

I do miss him.

I believe this is the first time I've been able to actually miss him. I've been too hurt, angry, confused, depressed over the last 12 months to miss him. So this has crept up on me and it's making me feel incredibly sad.

In a way, I wish our relationship was worse than what it was. You could say being raged at isn't exactly the recipe for a healthy relationship, and believe me, I haven't forgotten that side to things - the rages were awful and I don't miss them at all. But on the flip side, it was a relationship full of love and affection. He really made the effort to meet my needs in whatever way he could. He could be the most thoughtful man. He was funny and charming and kind and loved my family as much as he loved me. We were compatible on so many different levels.

And I miss all the silly, small things, like waking up and knowing I could look forward to a full day of us doing nothing more than cooking, house chores and watching crappy TV. Or seeking out a new breakfast joint. Or going on another adventure. I miss waking up to him every morning. I miss having someone care enough to find out how my day is going - every single day. I miss going to the frigging garden centre or supermarket with him. I miss his stupid sense of humour, his laugh when he'd make fun of something stupid I'd said. I miss the hugs he'd give me when I was feeling down about stuff. He just had this way of knowing how to make me feel better about things. I don't just miss being in a couple - I miss being in a couple with HIM.

This sucks. I also feel angry that things panned out the way that they did. When will this torture ever end? It seems like the minute I get over one crappy emotion it's replaced with another one. And this particular one is so painful. I'm tearful all the damn time. I'd rather not miss him. I'd rather not go through this. 

I wonder if I should just focus more on the bad side of the relationship, but wouldn't that mean I'm blocking myself from feeling what I'm feeling right now? I don't even know anymore what works and what doesn't and it's very frustrating.

[hope2727]

Wow I could have written this myself. Even the things you miss like a trip to the garden centre or market. All I can tell you write down the crappy things and carry it with you everywhere. We both deserve Jeckle without Hyde. I literally could have written your post verbatim. Except it would be my mom asking (which she did not that long ago).

So here is my list of crappy things.

- cheating

- flirting

- raging

- fiscal irresponsibility

- smear campaign

- lies or omission and commission

- triangulation with people and even things

- using my money but not sharing his freely

- breaking promises

- helping others while leaving me to deal with our problems alone

- breaking up by text then ignoring me the coming back and ding it all again

- lying about me

- sleep depriving me

- sulking

- pouting

- ruining special events


does that help? Post your own. It always helps me to remember.

[Hopeful83]

Wow I could have written this myself. Even the things you miss like a trip to the garden centre or market. All I can tell you write down the crappy things and carry it with you everywhere. We both deserve Jeckle without Hyde. I literally could have written your post verbatim. Except it would be my mom asking (which she did not that long ago).

So here is my list of crappy things.

- cheating

- flirting

- raging

- fiscal irresponsibility

- smear campaign

- lies or omission and commission

- triangulation with people and even things

- using my money but not sharing his freely

- breaking promises

- helping others while leaving me to deal with our problems alone

- breaking up by text then ignoring me the coming back and ding it all again

- lying about me

- sleep depriving me

- sulking

- pouting

- ruining special events


does that help? Post your own. It always helps me to remember.

Hey hope272,

Thank you - maybe it will help. Let's see.

- His rages

- The swearing when he raged

- The suicidal tendencies he'd show when he raged - they were damn scary.

- The fact he couldn't stand up to his prejudiced family or friends for me (well, he claimed he did. But I didn't feel it was enough)

- The fact his massive rages would lead to me crying, losing sleep or even work hours

- His inability to see through the people who were abusing him

- The fact he'd then take the frustration of being abused by others out on me

- His lack of mental strength

- His inconsistency of emotions. One minute he was happy, the next it was the end of the world.

- The fact his rages disturbed by peace. I'm a peaceful person and I rarely ever raise my voice. I hated that he'd disturb that for me.

- The fact he could never really choose whose side he was on or what he believed in in the end.

Hmmm, even thought I've typed all this it still doesn't feel like enough for some reason. I'll need to think of some more... .

[cherryblossom]

Im in a similar space - i felt like 2day i had to literally bite my fingers to not send a text to him or his sister to plead to put me out this misery and beg why wont he just come back and apologise and work on himself? Does he really love this replacement? How can he? Like u we had many wonderful moments and he was incredibly kind and thoughtful a lot of the time, and also like u I used to feel estacially happy just food shopping in aldi together! Everything felt like an exciting adventure we laughed so much, shared same humor, loved nature. I really do think remembering the bad side is a must though - I made myself do that today as it balances things out and puts things in perspective... .it has helped along with having lovely day surrounded by friends who r lovely i feel blessed to know them - I believe things will improve for us - I think we just unfortunately have to ride the low when it happens xxxx

[hope2727]

I hate to put words in your mouth so correct me if I am wrong. But this is what I hear when I read your list.

- His rages

rages are abuse plain and simple

- The swearing when he raged

this too is abuse

- The suicidal tendencies he'd show when he raged - they were damn scary.

abuse again and a horrible form of it at that

- The fact he couldn't stand up to his prejudiced family or friends for me (well, he claimed he did. But I didn't feel it was enough)

you were not a priority and he had weak boundaries

- The fact his massive rages would lead to me crying, losing sleep or even work hours

sleep depravation and restricting access to earn money is abuse

attacking someone with anything including words is abuse

lack of empathy as he didn't care that he was making you cry


- His inability to see through the people who were abusing him

poor boundaries

- The fact he'd then take the frustration of being abused by others out on me

abuse runs downhill

- His lack of mental strength

he was not your mental equal

- His inconsistency of emotions. One minute he was happy, the next it was the end of the world.

unpredictability leads to walking on eggshells.

- The fact his rages disturbed by peace. I'm a peaceful person and I rarely ever raise my voice. I hated that he'd disturb that for me.

he knew this and used it to attack and hurt you

- The fact he could never really choose whose side he was on or what he believed in in the end.

he believed what he needed in each individual moment to meet his needs... .your needs didn't matter.



Please explore this site in detail. It has helped me immensely.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/suicide.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/victim_role.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/stonewalling.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/doubt.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/modulation.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

[once removed]

hi Hopeful83 

i remember once when i said "i miss her" and the person talking to me told me that they didnt think i missed her, but that i probably missed the companionship in general. i felt invalidated and protested "no, i miss her.". and i did.

and that was okay, and it is okay for you to miss him; give yourself permission if you havent already, it is not only okay, it is normal, to miss someone that was a part of our lives and is now absent - to miss the memories, to miss them.

This sucks. I also feel angry that things panned out the way that they did. When will this torture ever end? It seems like the minute I get over one crappy emotion it's replaced with another one. And this particular one is so painful. I'm tearful all the damn time. I'd rather not miss him. I'd rather not go through this. 

do pardon if i sound like a broken record about this point, but can you see the progress in that expression? one stage of grief replaced with another is progress. it is something you say you have not been able to feel in the last twelve months - now you are. and of course it hurts, and youd rather not go through it, but as they say, the only way out is through. "id rather not miss him" jumps out at me since you mention youve not felt it in twelve months. as i said, give yourself permission to miss him. it is a normal part of grief.

I wonder if I should just focus more on the bad side of the relationship, but wouldn't that mean I'm blocking myself from feeling what I'm feeling right now?

well, i certainly wouldnt advise you to torture yourself with memories, and it may even be that good memories are pushing more to the surface and particularly prominent. there is a middle ground here: you can miss part of him/the relationship and decidedly not miss the rest. you can balance one with the other, ie "i miss our adventures, i sure dont miss his rages." thats objectivity as opposed to blocking feelings.

but mainly Hopeful83, let yourself grieve. ignoring the fact that you miss him, in order to avoid the pain, tends to be a losing fight akin to "dont think of a pink elephant, dont think of a pink elephant." dont go overboard on "thinking of a pink elephant", maybe set a time limit, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever, but in my experience, acknowledging my feelings (the pink elephant) and probing them was far better for me in the long run. 

[Hopeful83]

Im in a similar space - i felt like 2day i had to literally bite my fingers to not send a text to him or his sister to plead to put me out this misery and beg why wont he just come back and apologise and work on himself? Does he really love this replacement? How can he? Like u we had many wonderful moments and he was incredibly kind and thoughtful a lot of the time, and also like u I used to feel estacially happy just food shopping in aldi together! Everything felt like an exciting adventure we laughed so much, shared same humor, loved nature. I really do think remembering the bad side is a must though - I made myself do that today as it balances things out and puts things in perspective... .it has helped along with having lovely day surrounded by friends who r lovely i feel blessed to know them - I believe things will improve for us - I think we just unfortunately have to ride the low when it happens xxxx

Sorry to hear you're in a similar space - it's so difficult, isn't it?

Remembering the bad is a good way of balancing it out. Because truth is, despite all those good things, he wasn't emotionally stable at all, and it affected me.

I hope you're right - that it will improve for us. And I too like to remind myself of the lovely people I have in my life. I'm very blessed in that respect.

[Hopeful83]

I hate to put words in your mouth so correct me if I am wrong. But this is what I hear when I read your list.

- His rages

rages are abuse plain and simple

- The swearing when he raged

this too is abuse

- The suicidal tendencies he'd show when he raged - they were damn scary.

abuse again and a horrible form of it at that

- The fact he couldn't stand up to his prejudiced family or friends for me (well, he claimed he did. But I didn't feel it was enough)

you were not a priority and he had weak boundaries

- The fact his massive rages would lead to me crying, losing sleep or even work hours

sleep depravation and restricting access to earn money is abuse

attacking someone with anything including words is abuse

lack of empathy as he didn't care that he was making you cry


- His inability to see through the people who were abusing him

poor boundaries

- The fact he'd then take the frustration of being abused by others out on me

abuse runs downhill

- His lack of mental strength

he was not your mental equal

- His inconsistency of emotions. One minute he was happy, the next it was the end of the world.

unpredictability leads to walking on eggshells.

- The fact his rages disturbed by peace. I'm a peaceful person and I rarely ever raise my voice. I hated that he'd disturb that for me.

he knew this and used it to attack and hurt you

- The fact he could never really choose whose side he was on or what he believed in in the end.

he believed what he needed in each individual moment to meet his needs... .your needs didn't matter.



Please explore this site in detail. It has helped me immensely.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/suicide.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/victim_role.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/stonewalling.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/doubt.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/modulation.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Thank you for this, cherryblossom. I sometimes think it's very difficult for me to admit to myself that this was a highly abusive dynamic because during the times when it was good, it was great. So to admit it was also abusive diminishes the great stuff, which I don't want to happen. I guess I need to find a balanced way of viewing the whole thing - that yes, there was great times, and yes, I loved many of his qualities, however, he was emotionally unstable, hadn't faced up to his childhood trauma, had poor boundaries with his abusive FOO, and none of this was going to get any better until he faced up to it all. And the cold hard facts were that he wasn't facing up to it. And the way the relationship ended confirms for me that he still isn't anywhere near the stage of confronting his ghosts, so to speak.

I have to remind myself that all the IFS - IF he was able to get healthy he'd be the most amazing husband and father, IF he was able to cut his abusive family off we'd have had a healthier relationship, IF only he was stronger none of this may have happened - are just that: IFS. I cannot live my life on an IF, which I guess is something I was doing for the three years I was with him. This relationship would be perfect IF he dealt with his issues. But he wasn't dealing with his issues. He's just not ready to - and he may never be.

I was planning on marrying this man. IFS weren't going to cut it. I need something far more concrete to build a whole life with.

Anyway, again - thank you. This was really helpful for me. I think I need to read this all back to myself when I feel really low and miss him, because I really do need some balance here.

[Stripey77]

Ladies, I am in the same boat as all of you. i was never subject to rages, but more sulks, and the unreasonable behaviour was the expectation that I should be able to read his mind and permanently demonstrate that I was 'on his team' by anticipating his wants and moods at any given point. Every time I thought I got it cracked, the goal posts shifted and I got something else 'wrong' which served to illustrate that I wasn't on his side.

But in about 9-10 months of being broken up, which has included 1 recycle, 1 long long bout of ST and then another reconnection... .followed by more ST right now, the over riding feeling is still that by God I miss him. Every. Single. Day.  I miss the best lover I ever had, the most beautiful man I've ever been with, being held tightly all night, our day trips all round the island we live on, our drinking sessions, the amazing sex, the passion, the funny conversation and the affection.  Most of all, I truly, madly and deeply miss the most articulate and intelligent person man I've ever been with. At last, I met my intellectual equal - and that of course, can't be faked.

It feels ridiculous to miss someone who has put me through emotional and mental hell. But I don't need to explain it to all of you. I miss my companion, friend and lover. I truly don't know that I will ever love this way again.

Maybe that's a good thing... .

[Hopeful83]

hi Hopeful83 

i remember once when i said "i miss her" and the person talking to me told me that they didnt think i missed her, but that i probably missed the companionship in general. i felt invalidated and protested "no, i miss her.". and i did.

and that was okay, and it is okay for you to miss him; give yourself permission if you havent already, it is not only okay, it is normal, to miss someone that was a part of our lives and is now absent - to miss the memories, to miss them.

This sucks. I also feel angry that things panned out the way that they did. When will this torture ever end? It seems like the minute I get over one crappy emotion it's replaced with another one. And this particular one is so painful. I'm tearful all the damn time. I'd rather not miss him. I'd rather not go through this. 

do pardon if i sound like a broken record about this point, but can you see the progress in that expression? one stage of grief replaced with another is progress. it is something you say you have not been able to feel in the last twelve months - now you are. and of course it hurts, and youd rather not go through it, but as they say, the only way out is through. "id rather not miss him" jumps out at me since you mention youve not felt it in twelve months. as i said, give yourself permission to miss him. it is a normal part of grief.

I wonder if I should just focus more on the bad side of the relationship, but wouldn't that mean I'm blocking myself from feeling what I'm feeling right now?

well, i certainly wouldnt advise you to torture yourself with memories, and it may even be that good memories are pushing more to the surface and particularly prominent. there is a middle ground here: you can miss part of him/the relationship and decidedly not miss the rest. you can balance one with the other, ie "i miss our adventures, i sure dont miss his rages." thats objectivity as opposed to blocking feelings.

but mainly Hopeful83, let yourself grieve. ignoring the fact that you miss him, in order to avoid the pain, tends to be a losing fight akin to "dont think of a pink elephant, dont think of a pink elephant." dont go overboard on "thinking of a pink elephant", maybe set a time limit, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever, but in my experience, acknowledging my feelings (the pink elephant) and probing them was far better for me in the long run. 

  onceremoved,

Thank you - this was really helpful. I like the idea of setting a time limit to do this in. Yesterday I decided to have a 'give the brain a break' day during which ever time thoughts of my ex or thoughts of my future came to mind, I replaced them with something more positive and in the present (e.g. I'd be more present in the moment and appreciate it for what it is as opposed to getting caught up in ruminating). It helped, and I think doing that alongside setting some time aside for 'mourning' so to speak could be an effective way of moving forward.

I say this because for the last two weeks I've felt myself sliding backwards. I didn't think I'd still have moments like this a year on, but alas, it seems like there's still more to this process to go through. I do think I need to hold on to a lot of the things I've spoken about in this thread, though. I find that missing him and the relationship is causing me to look back more than forward, which isn't helping my progress.

I need to remind myself that there's a reason it all ended. I couldn't hold it together for the two of us forever, and I now realise more than ever that he garnered a lot of his strength from me - how long would that have really lasted when he was making no real effort to look within and sort his issues out? And I cannot really blame him - I'm older than him, and it's only now, having gone through all this, that I can really *see* myself clearly. He's no way near that stage - and I'm not sure he'll ever be.

I need someone who's as strong as me. And who's as willing as me to do the hard work for the sake of not only myself, but for the person I'm in a relationship with. My ex just dumped a lot of his crap on me without caring about the consequences. It was draining and I guess it saddens me that I'm only just realising now how draining it was. And not only all this, I was also up against his entire family.

I'm strong, but I'm not invincible.

[Hopeful83]

Ladies, I am in the same boat as all of you. i was never subject to rages, but more sulks, and the unreasonable behaviour was the expectation that I should be able to read his mind and permanently demonstrate that I was 'on his team' by anticipating his wants and moods at any given point. Every time I thought I got it cracked, the goal posts shifted and I got something else 'wrong' which served to illustrate that I wasn't on his side.

But in about 9-10 months of being broken up, which has included 1 recycle, 1 long long bout of ST and then another reconnection... .followed by more ST right now, the over riding feeling is still that by God I miss him. Every. Single. Day.  I miss the best lover I ever had, the most beautiful man I've ever been with, being held tightly all night, our day trips all round the island we live on, our drinking sessions, the amazing sex, the passion, the funny conversation and the affection.  Most of all, I truly, madly and deeply miss the most articulate and intelligent person man I've ever been with. At last, I met my intellectual equal - and that of course, can't be faked.

It feels ridiculous to miss someone who has put me through emotional and mental hell. But I don't need to explain it to all of you. I miss my companion, friend and lover. I truly don't know that I will ever love this way again.

Maybe that's a good thing... .

Hugs Stripey77 - I so know how you feel right now. And of course, not all people with BPD are the same or act the same, but I will say that my ex's rages didn't start until after the first year. During the first year I put up with the sulking and silent treatment, which I guess is another form of abuse. He'd pretend I wasn't even there for whole days and we were living together - and he'd then get angry if I had the audacity to leave the house and not witness his sulking. Awful behaviour when I think back to it.

In all honesty, I feel a great deal of sadness. Because I realise only hurt people hurt people - we're all products of our upbringing and experiences. I wish that *real* life skills were taught to us in school. It's expected that parents will impart this kind of knowledge on us, but from my experience, in my generation anyway, most parents have not done this. How to self soothe. How to recognise an abusive relationship. How to develop a solid sense of inner worth. How to establish resilience to deal with life changes. Imagine if these things were taught to all of us? How much more healthier we may be - and how much more healthier our relationships could be, too.

I have a great deal of self-compassion now - for all the experiences I went through as a child, the ones that led to me being in an abusive relationship and not recognising it as such until it ended. And I have a great deal of compassion for my ex - for the experiences he went through as a child that led him to thinking this dynamic we shared was perfectly okay. For him needing to have developed these 'survival' techniques in order to stay afloat and deal with his overwhelming feelings. I can almost hear his inner child crying out, but my ex is paying him no attention.

It's sad. In another lifetime, with different upbringings, who knows - maybe it could have been something healthy and strong. But in this lifetime, with our collective 'baggage', it ended it tears. I feel sorry for him in many ways, because I don't think he'll ever have the awakening I've had thanks to this breakup. I wish he'd wake up, for his own sake - but then I spent three years hoping he'd wake up. Now he's no longer in my life, so I simply need to wish him well and move forward.

Always said than done.

[Stripey77]

For me, it's a loneliness I can't seem to plug. I have a very, very full social life and a great circle of friends I've carved out, as well as long standing and loyal friends from home who come here to visit me. A job where I am appreciated, and we socialise together too. A lovely flat, my parents close at hand, and my gorgeous pets, who are great company.  I go to the gym (usually!) and have another friends circle there. I live in a tiny and tight knit town where I can step out any day and see half a dozen familiar faces.

But none of this, none of it, fills the void. I suppose the only thing that will is a new r/s,  but I don't have eyes, or more to the point, room in  my heart, for anyone else right now. So, I feel permanently trapped, even though I know that logically, I have to be the strong one. I have to yet again accept and mirror his ST until he reengages, which he almost certainly will do, and try, TRY to make myself receptive to at least meeting new people. Even if I have nothing romantic to offer right now.  We are not together, and he has told me he's not the 'one' because 'we don't work' (which is utter rubbish and just the commitment phobic in him - and that isn't necessarily anything at all to do with BPD) - and yet in the same breath he has been at pains to demonstrate that there hasn't been anyone else since me, that there is an attraction between us, (which there is) that we mean something to each other. Even when he broke up with me the second time, he told me that we don't work because I love him so much... .not long after telling me how happy he was that I was there for him and could help him to heal his 'injured brain'. I asked him point blank, should I look for someone else? And he said no! We have been apart, and then reconnected since then. At the moment I am being ignored.

The void I find hardest to plug is as you say, being part of a couple. But not just any couple... .us. I loved the security (before the madness begun) and I loved his company. I was truly glowing from within. He made me feel beautiful and cherished.  The thing I miss so so soo much though, is our weekend drives we took, exploring places, and just being in each other's company. Now he spends all his time with a female friend he met after leaving me the first time (and yes she is a friend) - and the vast majority of that is spent getting utterly drunk.  He acts like an immature kid; I am grieving the gorgeous man I looked up to and respected.

By the way he lives about 4 minutes' walk from my place, in a tiny town. He is currently walking past me as if I don't exist... .been here before so sadly getting used to this behaviour. I know why it's happening (I put it on another post on here.) I just crack on, make myself look beautiful every day and try to rise above it. Do I miss the mean behaviour, sulking, ST, shifting goalposts and dangerous undercurrent that if I didn't see things his way, I'd be finding myself dumped? No. Noo way.  My Mr.Hyde really is a cruel and vindictive child.

But I do miss my lovely, kind, beautiful and chivalrous Dr. Jekyll, every day, and with my whole heart.

I feel sorry for all of us. Them, and us.

[Hopeful83]

For me, it's a loneliness I can't seem to plug. I have a very, very full social life and a great circle of friends I've carved out, as well as long standing and loyal friends from home who come here to visit me. A job where I am appreciated, and we socialise together too. A lovely flat, my parents close at hand, and my gorgeous pets, who are great company.  I go to the gym (usually!) and have another friends circle there. I live in a tiny and tight knit town where I can step out any day and see half a dozen familiar faces.

But none of this, none of it, fills the void. I suppose the only thing that will is a new r/s,  but I don't have eyes, or more to the point, room in  my heart, for anyone else right now. So I feel permanently trapped even though I know that logically, I have to be the strong one, I have to yet again accept his ST until he reengages, which he almost certainly will do, and try, TRY to make myself receptive to at least meeting new people. Even if I have nothing romantic to offer right now.

The void I find hardest to plug is as you say, being part of a couple. But not just any couple... .us. I loved the security and I loved being with someone who made me feel so special. I was truly glowing from within. He made me feel beautiful and cherished.  The thing I miss so so soo much it hurts is our weekend drives we took, exploring places, and just being in each other's company. Now he spends all his time with a female friend he met after leaving me the first time (and yes she is a friend) and the vast majority of that is spent getting utterly drunk.  Like a student and not like the gorgeous man I looked up to and respected.

By the way he lives about 4 minutes' walk from my place and we live in a tiny town. He is currently walking past me as if I don't exist... .been here before so sadly getting used to this behaviour. I know why it's happening (I put it on another post on here.) I just crack on, make myself look beautiful every day and try to rise above it. Do I miss the mean behaviour, sulking, ST, shifting goalposts and dangerous undercurrent that if I didn't see things his way, I'd be finding myself dumped? No. Noo way.  My Mr.Hyde really is a cruel and vindictive child.

But I do miss my lovely, kind, beautiful and chivalrous Dr. Jekyll, every day, and with my whole heart.

I feel sorry for all of us. Them, and us.

I totally understand. I was single for most of my 20s, and it didn't bother me - I chose to be single because I had an amazing social life and no man was ever enough for me to pay attention. Until my ex walked in, that is. I got so used to 'us' - and like you say, I miss the Dr Jekyll. Him and I had some amazing times. I cannot believe we no longer talk and he's now married. I still cannot wrap my head around it all and it's been a  year now. I wonder if I'll ever really fully absorb it all.

[Stripey77]

 

[BirdinFlight]

I can sympathize with with what everybody here describes. I too miss my ex and coming home to an empty house is no fun. And there were so many wonderful things about this man that cannot be easily replaced.

----
Hope,

I particularly resonate with what you wrote and the website you gave is a lifesaver. You are the voice of reason with this post. I've read a lot about abuse and the site really shed light on the situation in a way that many others had not. The section on ":)OUBT" was so helpful. I often wondered why I keep questioning whether the abuse was just in my mind. I grew up with an abusive dad so I just thought that I was so used to abuse that I couldn't recognize it, but after reading the section on doubt, I understand it for the first time and it so makes sense. My ex is super savvy, smart, quick-witted and when someone like that puts those skills to work at confusing their partner it can make for a lot of doubt in what was going on. Part of my suffering after this relationship is thinking that maybe I made too big a deal of things and that these abusive incidents were not abuse at all but that I really was too sensitive. Often I wondered if I threw a perfectly good relationship away because I just couldnt let things roll off of me. This website brought me back to what I know deep down and that my ex is really troubled and that he played out/repeated his childhood traumas on me at my expense in a really convoluted/sneaky way that made me question if abuse was actually happening. A lot of this behavior doesn't even translate to others. If I told my gfs what he said and did, they were not convinced it was abuse either but that's only because they were not there in the room to witness hundreds of confusing incidents all at my expense. Taken by themselves, they might. It seem like a reason to leave, but taken together it's torture. Same with the good qualities. I notice that folks here appreciate and hang on to the most mundane, routine, domestic tasks as special. And that exactly what I do! My friend told me that my standard for a man was that he accompany me to the grocery store! It's so true. When all this crazymaking was going on, I was so thankful for any kind of normal behavior. Going to the grocery store in peace without conflict and confusion became like somebody else's idea of a dream vacation. It's like they have us trained to appreciate the smallest little crumb of normalcy as a reprieve from all the insane behavior. Hope, you have given me hope with your words and the website. And get this: I read your post on the very day that my ex contacted me after NC for two months! Talk about serendipity! Thank you and thank you to all the posts here. They all have so much meaning and help to me!

[hope2727]

Glad I could help someone a tiny but. I miss and love my ex too. But this site on abuse really helped me realize that it wasn't healthy for me and was only going to get worse. Its a site worth exploring in detail to know the signs and patterns and our own part in the dynamic. We all deserve a healthier relationship.

All the pages helped me but some that are particularly helpful are on apologies and going back.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/apologies.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/going_back.html

[Hopeful83]

Hope,

I want to thank you again, too. Having read through that website and some other domestic abuse sites, I've been feeling better. I don't seek to minimise my feelings of missing him - I know it's completely natural for me to be feeling this way. But I do need to try and remind myself of the fact this was an abusive relationship, and it's something I try to bury I think. My family now know he had bad rage, but I've downplayed it in a way that makes it sound like he simply had angry outbursts that weren't directed at me, and this isn't the truth. They don't know that he pushed and shoved me, and also slapped me once. It brings me great shame to admit to it, to the extent that I still haven't shared this with my therapist.

I now believe, however, I need to acknowledge this more in order to avoid myself from getting into a similar relationship in the future.

I cannot reconcile the two men and it causes me a bit of distress to accept this is one person - one person who may have deliberately been treating me this way. But acceptance is the best way for me to heal these wounds and prevent being in a similar dynamic again. I deserve so much better than to be raged at, sworn at and belittled in that way. And I realise that now.

It's hard to acknowledge it, but I think at this point in my healing it's imperative. The more I read about abuse and how it only gets worse, the more I felt myself thinking "thank God I'm out of it." I even found myself feeling a smidgen of compassion for the replacement who is now married to him and could potentially find herself in a very messy situation. Up until now I've been unable to have any compassion for her.

I want a healthy relationship. I want someone who values peace as much as I do. Someone who has looked within and tried to heal any past hurt he is carrying with him. Someone who is as interested in self-development as I am. Someone who would never, ever swear at me or scream at me or make me cry all night long. Someone who is gentle, understanding and mature. I found myself 'picturing' this guy in my head the other day and I had this overwhelming feeling of warmth - it was a rather strange experience. I should try and hold onto that whenever I'm feeling down.

I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not abusive. And I'll be d*amned if I'll allow myself to be abused again.