New here. Confused. Mixed messages. Dumped 2nd time by BPD boyfriend.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD bf of 14 months broke up with me about week and a half ago. I was devastated emotionally and he seemed cold and cavalier about it saying it wouldn't work long term. Granted he talked about marrying me not long before, and the week before I was amazing, best gf ever, and so thankful for me in his life. I have children and he doesn't. He says that my children and their activities take too much time away from us and him. He broke up with me last October for a week then cried and showed up at my work with flowers, decided he couldn't live without me and we got back together. I saw the first breakup coming because he started distancing himself, sex dropped off and it just seemed off. He basically didn't want sexy even when I initiated it. When we got back together it went to extreme opposite and wanting sex constantly. Hard to keep up. Well, fast forward I was in hospital for two weeks and was very sick. He was by my side whole time. My friends raved how great he was and he was! After leaving hospital I got message from a young woman that he had been "sexting" with (pics and all) and she wanted to tell me and tell him to stop cause she was tired of it. I was livid, and thought how could he do this to me and while I was in hospital thinking he was taking great care of me. He cried and begged. I stayed. My trust was gone though. He said he'd do whatever it took to make this work. 6 weeks later he dumped me for reasons above. I'm mad cause I stayed with him through the distant phase, through him telling me about BPD, through the betrayal, and then I get the shaft suddenly. He broke up with me on Friday. I delete him off social media and change my pic to just myself. I told him NO contact. He text me Saturday griping about pic I put up and showed too much cleavage and I would never learn. (Pic was totally appropriate btw). I ignore the text. He texts Sunday saying how he is sorry for everything. He loves me and misses me, and he feels lost and empty. I ignore that also. Monday he shows up at my work with gifts and to say he's sorry again, crying, saying this has nothing to do with what i did or didn't do. Said its the circumstances and he just wanted me to know that and kept telling me he loved me. Of course I get worked up after seeing him and angry cause he broke the NC. I tell him again NC and maybe two days later he's texting again telling me all the things he misses with me and how sad he is, thinks about me constantly. Asks to come by cause he misses kissing me and sex. I say no! He then sends me inappropriate pics and video of himself. He asks if I would do the same. I said heck no and he was crazy to even ask. I try to ignore his texts but since it's so new I'm weak and eventually reply. He text yesterday saying the same things about wishing we could spend day together and he still loves me and wants to be with me but then does nothing about it and it's the circumstances with my kids and time. I told him I would give his stuff back and he asked if I would do a favor and put pair of my panties in with it so he could have them. Said he loved me and would for a very long time. I was floored and mentioned him possibly being a sex addict which he was appalled by. He said we had such great chemistry and he doesn't understand why we couldn't at least still share that. I told him if he didn't want to be with me that those things go away. I'm sorry this is long and rambling. I'm just confused on the mixed messages but I know it's def over with us. When you break up with someone you usually don't continue to contact and say how much you love and miss them, bring gifts to their work, and cry. I know this has to be he's selfish and trying to make himself feel better. Idk but any insight from people with past experiences would be of great help.

[Nursemomma]

My BPD bf of 14 months broke up with me about week and a half ago. I was devastated emotionally and he seemed cold and cavalier about it saying it wouldn't work long term. Granted he talked about marrying me not long before, and the week before I was amazing, best gf ever, and so thankful for me in his life. I have children and he doesn't. He says that my children and their activities take too much time away from us and him. He broke up with me last October for a week then cried and showed up at my work with flowers, decided he couldn't live without me and we got back together. I saw the first breakup coming because he started distancing himself, sex dropped off and it just seemed off. He basically didn't want sexy even when I initiated it. When we got back together it went to extreme opposite and wanting sex constantly. Hard to keep up. Well, fast forward I was in hospital for two weeks and was very sick. He was by my side whole time. My friends raved how great he was and he was! After leaving hospital I got message from a young woman that he had been "sexting" with (pics and all) and she wanted to tell me and tell him to stop cause she was tired of it. I was livid, and thought how could he do this to me and while I was in hospital thinking he was taking great care of me. He cried and begged. I stayed. My trust was gone though. He said he'd do whatever it took to make this work. 6 weeks later he dumped me for reasons above. I'm mad cause I stayed with him through the distant phase, through him telling me about BPD, through the betrayal, and then I get the shaft suddenly. He broke up with me on Friday. I delete him off social media and change my pic to just myself. I told him NO contact. He text me Saturday griping about pic I put up and showed too much cleavage and I would never learn. (Pic was totally appropriate btw). I ignore the text. He texts Sunday saying how he is sorry for everything. He loves me and misses me, and he feels lost and empty. I ignore that also. Monday he shows up at my work with gifts and to say he's sorry again, crying, saying this has nothing to do with what i did or didn't do. Said its the circumstances and he just wanted me to know that and kept telling me he loved me. Of course I get worked up after seeing him and angry cause he broke the NC. I tell him again NC and maybe two days later he's texting again telling me all the things he misses with me and how sad he is, thinks about me constantly. Asks to come by cause he misses kissing me and sex. I say no! He then sends me inappropriate pics and video of himself. He asks if I would do the same. I said heck no and he was crazy to even ask. I try to ignore his texts but since it's so new I'm weak and eventually reply. He text yesterday saying the same things about wishing we could spend day together and he still loves me and wants to be with me but then does nothing about it and it's the circumstances with my kids and time. I told him I would give his stuff back and he asked if I would do a favor and put pair of my panties in with it so he could have them. Said he loved me and would for a very long time. I was floored and mentioned him possibly being a sex addict which he was appalled by. He said we had such great chemistry and he doesn't understand why we couldn't at least still share that. I told him if he didn't want to be with me that those things go away. I'm sorry this is long and rambling. I'm just confused on the mixed messages but I know it's def over with us. When you break up with someone you usually don't continue to contact and say how much you love and miss them, bring gifts to their work, and cry. I know this has to be he's selfish and trying to make himself feel better. Idk but any insight from people with past experiences would be of great help.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm just confused on the mixed messages but I know it's def over with us.

Hi Nursemomma-

Welcome!  A trait of borderline personality disorder is unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, and it sounds like you've been in one of those; it is very confusing and unpredictable.  So beyond the crazyness, why do you think he may have this specific disorder, did he behave in other ways and exhibit traits so that you ended up here?  If so, you're in the right place, we all understand, and it helps to talk and read a lot, and take very good care of yourself right now.

[Nursemomma]

I knew things seemed a little off at times with him and two of his closer friends had told me he had past history of some mental issues but they didn't give specifics. He actually opened up to me and said his therapist told him he had several qualities of BPD and gave him the dialect workbook. Sorry not sure I pronounced that right. I hadn't heard of the disorder but when I looked it up it was scary how he did fit into a iot of that. Background info: he's been married three times, none lasted more than a year. He had a good reason for each failing. He came on very strong and fast, pursued me hard. Told me he loved me very soon and made me promise to never leave him. I just don't understand why would he keep contacting me reminiscing about things and how he misses me and loves me after HE discarded me... .like he can't totally let go.

[fromheeltoheal]

I knew things seemed a little off at times with him and two of his closer friends had told me he had past history of some mental issues but they didn't give specifics. He actually opened up to me and said his therapist told him he had several qualities of BPD and gave him the dialect workbook. Sorry not sure I pronounced that right. I hadn't heard of the disorder but when I looked it up it was scary how he did fit into a iot of that. Background info: he's been married three times, none lasted more than a year. He had a good reason for each failing. He came on very strong and fast, pursued me hard. Told me he loved me very soon and made me promise to never leave him. I just don't understand why would he keep contacting me reminiscing about things and how he misses me and loves me after HE discarded me... .like he can't totally let go.

Yep, that sounds familiar Nursemomma; if you read a lot of stories here and feel like you're reading something you could have written, chances are he's a borderline.

Borderlines are all about attachments, attaching to someone to make them feel whole, subconsciously, it shows up as feelings, so he's feeling abandoned right now, doesn't matter that he did the abandoning, the feeling of the moment is the feeling of the moment, so he's reaching out, reminiscing, trying to feel an attachment he had with you, to make him feel better; borderlines can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment.  So that will continue as long as you give some hint that an emotional attachment is still in place for you, or until he finds another attachment.  It's up to you and his behaviors may or may not be rational.

So apart from the confusion, how are you doing right now, how centered do you feel?

[patientandclear]

What do you want? Do you want to be done, or do you want to try to repair? If the latter, suggest posting on one of the other boards. It sounds like he has real fears that time/kid issues can't be worked out. Maybe there are ways to approach that issue that would be illuminating. But again, that will be discussed differently on the "saving" or "deciding" boards.

[jhkbuzz]

He came on very strong and fast, pursued me hard. Told me he loved me very soon... .

Yes, my exBPD (female) partner did the same. Followed (eventually) by distancing behaviors and cheating. The pain at the end of these r/s's (or during the recycle/discard cycles if you're not done yet) is some of the most intense pain you will ever experience. All this is complicated by the mixed messages you're receiving. I understand, I received them as well. They always caused me to second guess myself.

Perhaps this will help: stop paying attention to the words he is saying and look at his actions. Do they line up with his words? if not, he is either lying or disordered. From everything you've posted here, my guess would be disordered.

Your attempts to set a boundary and go NC are being thwarted by his behavior. Can I suggest that you block his phone number so he can't text you? You might also want to clue someone in at work - if he shows up again, perhaps you can be unavailable.