the oddest thing...

[Depression = 72% of members]

We broke up months ago ... .after a period of heavy devaluation and eventually her getting sucked into some online flirts ... .which ended up in a crush that she is now involved with.

This morning i get a call from her... .doesn't really say much, but something sounded off. I had stuff to do so i end the call to continue my business.

And then i get several txts... .the short of it is:

She wanted to talk with me... .she can't get me out of her head... .Doesn't know whats been wrong with her... .Every time she sees me she hurts inside... .and yet she moved on... .Maybe she is just confused... .

And for the first time, i notice that even though i feel flattered, i don't buy into it.

A person who would really miss me and be with me would act differently. They would know, and act upon it instead of telling me how confused they are.

So, i turn this message around... .What she actually wants is that i would still struggle to get her out of my head, that i would hurt everytime i see her. That i would act confused.

And that's probably the point... .I don't. I struggle with what happened still, but i don't struggle with wanting her in my life like she is now. I only get hurt seeing her for what once was... .

Not for what might have happened in the future, cause who she is now isn't a match for me at all.

[woundedPhoenix]

We broke up months ago ... .after a period of heavy devaluation and eventually her getting sucked into some online flirts ... .which ended up in a crush that she is now involved with.

This morning i get a call from her... .doesn't really say much, but something sounded off. I had stuff to do so i end the call to continue my business.

And then i get several txts... .the short of it is:

She wanted to talk with me... .she can't get me out of her head... .Doesn't know whats been wrong with her... .Every time she sees me she hurts inside... .and yet she moved on... .Maybe she is just confused... .

And for the first time, i notice that even though i feel flattered, i don't buy into it.

A person who would really miss me and be with me would act differently. They would know, and act upon it instead of telling me how confused they are.

So, i turn this message around... .What she actually wants is that i would still struggle to get her out of my head, that i would hurt everytime i see her. That i would act confused.

And that's probably the point... .I don't. I struggle with what happened still, but i don't struggle with wanting her in my life like she is now. I only get hurt seeing her for what once was... .

Not for what might have happened in the future, cause who she is now isn't a match for me at all.

[Ahoy]

You sir, have a lot of wisdom.

I see a lot of examples of pwBPD feeding off ANY sort of emotions generated from them reaching out. I'm really glad you see you are not a match for your ex, it means you are reaching(have reached) a level of emotional maturity that she can never aspire to.

I agree, I don't struggle with wanting my ex in my life, I certainly don't miss the drama and chaos that comes along with it, I also hurt seeing her for what once was, and our potential. I think that side of my healing will take YEARS to dissipate, regardless of who I meet next.

Keep staying strong, are you going to reply to her messages, or maintain NC?

Cheers,

[woundedPhoenix]

Keep staying strong, are you going to reply to her messages, or maintain NC?

I am maintaining Minimal Contact, as we have a child together.

But my new grown stance is: I only trust things if they are backed by clear, consistent and undeniable actions, i don't trust words, i don't trust easy gestures.

[Icanteven]

I only trust things if they are backed by clear, consistent and undeniable actions, i don't trust words, i don't trust easy gestures.

One of the biggest things I've picked up being on these boards and in therapy myself:  don't tell me you love me thirty times a day; show me you love me every day with your actions.  If I had truly internalized this we would have been done LONG ago.

They would know, and act upon it instead of telling me how confused they are.

Agree with every other word of your first post, but thinking out loud here on this one quote:  would they know?  Can't tell you how many times my wife has told me she feels lost and confused while also telling me she loves me forever in the same conversation.  Again, goes back to your point about words versus actions, but I have no doubt my wife believes she loves me forever, she just can't articulate why we can't be together any more or why she's so confused.

I actually made that point to her this week:  if you loved us you would be with us right now.  She said that was absolutely untrue, but she couldn't articulate why.  I chalk it up to the illness but maybe there's a better/more precise reason?

[woundedPhoenix]

I actually made that point to her this week:  if you loved us you would be with us right now.  She said that was absolutely untrue, but she couldn't articulate why.  I chalk it up to the illness but maybe there's a better/more precise reason?

Well, that's the thing... .i believe they can't handle true love, it's too intimidating... .They only can handle the well controlled intensity and chaos game, but if you are not into that anymore, and look for real closeness, they can't be with you... .

[JerryRG]

One word woundedPhoenix

M A N I P U L A T I O N

My exgf does this daily, and it only took me 4 years to figure it out.

Keep healing, keep moving forward.

Great post!

[woundedPhoenix]

One word woundedPhoenix

M A N I P U L A T I O N

Yeah, mental twist... .that you have to take all those words in and just see them for what they 'serve', not for what you once hoped they meant :-)

[Pretty Woman]

I am going to echo the sentiments of the posters before me... .

You see right through her games and I am very proud of you.

Her actions have never matched her words. That is one thing I can say seems to be consistent in person's with BPD. To them Feelings=Reality. If they feel like they are going to be abandoned you MUST be plotting to do so.

I don't know how many times my ex did what you are experiencing now. I was a moron and responded to it... .and each time got burned until I had enough.

She is lonely and needs soothing. This is about HER. Her needs and her survival. This has nothing to do about you. As soon as she is soothed something will trigger her and off she will go, leaving you once again, a heap on a dirty floor.

Stay strong! You are on the right path. A healthier path.
 

[JerryRG]

I agree Pretty Woman

Whenever my exgf is lonely I'm her go-to for that attention fix, I'm just her blankie until she finds someone else to sooth her.

[ICantFixHer]

Two calls, two emails and two texts today, from my ex pwBPD girlfriend. I recently established full-on NC as, after 10 years of this, I have had it. I care not a whit for her well-being anymore. Life is too short, I gave it a decade and we'd still be in the exact same place if it weren't for me wising up and accepting responsibility for enabling this to continue. All I had to do was walk.

Two days ago she was texting me "life is short, enjoy yourself!" while on Facebook she was openly flirting with guys. I had her blocked but she talked me into unblocking her so she could still "feel a connection" with me. I caved in, knowing I should know better, and sure enough, the skunk went into full-on slut mode in order to hurt me. I couldn't re-block her -- Facebook's stupid 48 hour waiting period -- so I deactivated my account until late last night, when I knew she would be passed out drunk, when I re-activated my page and immediately blocked her.

Yesterday she had her cousin call me and I told the cousin exactly what was happening, that I was done, and why. Cousin explained the ex was "remorseful" and I just laughed. Yeah, she's remorseful because I finally see thru her.

Today she is texting, "You said you would be there for me as a friend, is that over now?"

I am not responding, ever again.

Quick question: should I friend the guy she publicly posted about dating? She wrote me privately she had cancelled her "date" with him so I would imagine he is confused, or she is lying to me again.

I have never outright caught her cheating but I have suspected it throughout the relationship, I know she has a promiscuous past and a part of me wants closure, and I think seeing what she wrote to this guy would help me out, assuming he would tell me.

I know it's wrong -- I am giving her power. Why would I care what she wrote to some dude on Facebook after I'd dumped her?

There is still that teeny tiny part of me that wants the satisfaction of knowing she was whoring around on me.

[woundedPhoenix]

There is still that teeny tiny part of me that wants the satisfaction of knowing she was whoring around on me.

Yeah well, we will never really know for the full 100%, what went around behind our back.

At this point though, i don't really care to know anymore, i wouldn't be surprised if it was the case though... .Nothing surprises  me anymore

[Ahoy]

Two days ago she was texting me "life is short, enjoy yourself!" while on Facebook she was openly flirting with guys. I had her blocked but she talked me into unblocking her so she could still "feel a connection" with me. I caved in, knowing I should know better, and sure enough, the skunk went into full-on slut mode in order to hurt me. I couldn't re-block her -- Facebook's stupid 48 hour waiting period -- so I deactivated my account until late last night, when I knew she would be passed out drunk, when I re-activated my page and immediately blocked her.

They don't call borderlines boundary busters for no reason.

I like your intentions, like I said earlier, you are coming from a place of deep wisdom. Perhaps it might be good to do a little work on how to enact, enforce and maintain strong boundaries, to prepare for the inevitable storm that's coming.

 

[Larmoyant]

But my new grown stance is: I only trust things if they are backed by clear, consistent and undeniable actions, i don't trust words, i don't trust easy gestures.

I'm going to print this out and put it on my fridge