Seeing SS Again/Feeling Sorry For Myself

[thrownforaloop]

My exSS7 called me this morning, which is rare--normally we text each other. His mom, my exBPDw grabbed the phone and asked if I wanted to pick him up from her today. This was big, since I haven't  had access to see him for about a month now. The disappointing part was that I had to get him from her and her bf's place for the first time.

The time spent with him was very nice, but rough. Towards the end, when I was asking him if he was ready to go back home, he said he missed his mom and [her boyfriend]. That kind of stung. She's having them go through the same thing she had us go through when we all first moved in together years ago... .slowly morphing her bf into the boy's father figure. Listening to exSS7 describe how this new man is nice and funny and playing tickling games with him made me feel pretty bad and replaced. Though, I am super thankful that they're getting along! It's just that the reality of our situation hit me very hard. Can't believe this twisted road we went down.

And seeing me exBPDw in person for the first time in a couple months was also terrible. It's sucky because I've been making a lot of progress over the past month, but seeing her feels like being hit by a train. She didn't even play any mind games today (maybe that makes it worse--she doesn't even care enough to mess with me anymore). As much as I say that she was a parasite, mean to me, unhealthy and stress-inducing... .it doesn't change the fact that I loved her fully. I gave so much of my soul to her and I was blindsided by lies. I wish I could be like her and say, 'I stopped loving you long before we ended', but that wouldn't be true. There were a lot of times where I felt unhappy in our relationship, but I was holding on for dear life all the way up until she basically forced me to let go.

Anyway. I know a lot of you have to put up with seeing your ex all the time, but dang. Not sure how I could ever get used to that. Can barely breathe when I'm around her. Get so nervous that it feels like I'm going to go blind in her presence.

Now I'll spend some time reading about the patterns of a BPD relationship to try to depersonalize. Even so, it won't take away that deep feeling that I'm not worthy of her love and that I genuinely do miss the family we once had. Dang. I must be regressing.

[JerryRG]

Don't be hard on yourself thrownforaloop

You've been through enough hell I believe so focus on what you've done right, sounds like you're moving forward and that is a big accomplishment.

I feel all the same things you feel, I will NOT be pushed around by my exgf, I take a deep breath, pray and walk into that arena like I own it.

They like control, they like chaos, they love attention? Give em a show, pretend your strong and eventually you will be. Positive thinking and actions lead to real positive changes.

You are just as good as her, her bf or any other person on this planet and just as important.

Don't fall for the lies she put in your head.

What helped me was to focus on our son, do the best and be the best parent you can be and the rewards will come back to you and your child will benifit from every good choice you make for them.

Giving anything to our BPD exs will get us nothing but regret and confusion. Don't give her an inch.

Be strong, your child needs you.

[Wize]

As someone with 3 beautiful stepchildren, I really relate to this, OP.  I was just thinking tonight about how my stbx wife never put her kids interests first, ever.  It was one of the red flags that I ignored when she invited me into her bed on our second date with her kids in the next room.  

She never cared how introducing me into her children's lives would affect them.  And she certainly doesn't care how my discard and replacement would affect them.  It's really sad. 3 weeks after I left there was new man in the house.  Playing catch with my SS, taking them to their sports, watching tv with them at night, cuddling, laughing.  

I pray to God every night that he spares those little kids in this whole BPD mess they have to grow up in the middle of.  At this point I've had to let those kids go.  Staying in their lives would just further confuse them and cause conflict.  As I progress through my healing process, I am now more sad for the kids and their future than am I for my ex.  Progress.  

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Jerry!

The unfortunate part is that I have no rights to see him, as I'm not his bio dad... .So, if I want to see him, I have to sort of cave and pick him up from his mom's (instead of his grandma's, which I've told her I'm much more comfortable with). I'm sure she doesn't want to see my face either, so I was surprised she offered it today. Though this doesn't mean I will get to seem him again soon... .Heck, I may not get to see him again before moving in a couple months.

Anyway, I have a lot of respect for you that you are able to go back and forth with your child so much. That must be very emotionally painful every time you're forced to interact.

Wize, yeah with step children, we are in a very similar boat! I feel the same way--she always puts herself before her son. My exSS wasn't living with her when we first started dating, until she locked me in, got me to move in with her after 3 months and then brought her son in with us. Then she tried to make sure we bonded and became very dad/son-like. Then, with her new guy--same thing. She cheated on my with him for a month or two, we split, then she immediately moved in with him. She moved her son in about a month later and is now forcing them to bond. Lather, rinse, repeat.