I'm confused

[FallBack!Monster]

This sweet acting person is now saying that I am crazy and I should see a shrink. She claims she needs to stay away from me before I make her ill. She's the one with the PD. Can she be that delusional that she thinks I'm the one with the personality disorder? Or is she just projecting?

A week ago she was begging me to spend the night. I didn't think it was a good idea. It's all this accusation be a power play to  be with someone else?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sounds like projection to me, then again, "normal" is a matter of group consensus; we're all crazy to someone crazy yes?

One of the traits of the disorder is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation", which fits pretty well with her begging you to spend the night and then labeling you crazy not long after.

So what do you want FBM?  Can she give it to you sustainably?

[FallBack!Monster]

So what do you want FBM?  Can she give it to you sustainably?

Thanks for the reply.
Sorry, I'm new to this.  I'm not sure what FBM stands for.

 I have been reading/educating myself a lot more about PDs.  Mainly about BPD.  I honestly did not see any of this behavior for the 2.5 years we spent together.  She's suddenly a different person all together. Even the look on her face is different. I sometimes get the feeling that she's trying to say something to me, but is unable to.  Instead, she would have a sad look one moment, the next second a look of confusion, next minute, a deep penetrating pensive look. She was always weird but never to this point. She's always have a problem expressing her feelings but eventually she'd eloquently get it out when she was ready.  When she did that, I never had issues understanding her point of view.

I don't see her often.  I think its mostly me avoiding her b/c I'm not sure who what I'm looking at.  She looks at me as if she's trying to make out who I am.  She seems timid and sneaky at the same time.  I can't help but to want to care for her, but I am more stunned than anything else.

I hope the above statements answered your question in some way.  I'm not sure what I want from her.  I want the old her back, that's what I want.  But doesn't everybody on this board? and no, I don't trust that even she knows what she'll do or feel one moment to another; after reading this board.  Still, I wish she could try hard as she did in the past.  But reading these stories... .i don't know.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry, I'm new to this.  I'm not sure what FBM stands for.

It's a lazy man's way of saying FallBackMonster

I hope the above statements answered your question in some way.  I'm not sure what I want from her.  I want the old her back, that's what I want.  But doesn't everybody on this board?

When we're trying to make a decision sometimes it helps to ask and answer basic questions; to add a few more:

Do you trust her?
Does she treat you with respect?
Do you want a relationship with her?
Does she want one with you?
Can you be yourself and live within your values when you're with her?
Does she make you feel mostly good or mostly bad?
And a few more, got any?

[FallBack!Monster]

Do you trust her? She never earned it.

Does she treat you with respect? Yes and no. I excused a lot that in the past I wouldn't have. But yes, she has a way of respecting certain things about me.  I noticed but was afraid to let her know b/c if I shared with her something I didn't like, it seems she would do it more often. Then stared at me to see my response. As if she was looking for a negative reaction. Same if I complimented something she had done.  In this case, she would then stop doing it.

Do you want a relationship with her? Does she want one with you? I can say what I want with her. She seems as if she no longer wants one with me. I never imagined her totally out of my life. I never had a desire to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me either.  I like to be loved. But to me "no love" = no love.

Can you be yourself and live within your values when you're with her? At first I couldn't. She use to drive me insane.  I learned certain things about her. At least I believe I did.  One thing I did learn, she tries not to lie. But always chooses to lie first.  I am not saying that it is okay to lie.  It is annoying b/c you want to trust 100% but... .I'm confused.

Does she make you feel mostly good or mostly bad? She's never made me feel bad. Unless you're referring to feeling bad for her.  There are many things she has done that have caused me to feel confused, annoyed, angry, frustrated, yes! But exchanging dialogue with her was always nice.

And a few more, got any? yes!
In the past, before we met, I had done some research on bipolar disorder and Aspergers.  My first take on her, was that she was on the Autism spectrum. I stumbled upon BPD when researching certain behavior she would exhibit.
Lying, I would get results about pathological lying, what type of personalities lie compulsively, and example of why people lie, etc. It would result in PDs... .BPD, sociopath, and NPD were the main ones. Then I would research each over and over again, on multiple sites, and reputable mental health sites; individually.  BPD seem to be the one that closely match her behavior. The way she cares for herself and also the way she's easily influenced by others made me believe she also suffers from Aspergers.

I said all that just to explain this.  I knew she was different. One of the most important points about dating someone with these PDs or on the Autism Spectrum, you either ready or you're not.  Also, not to expect what you would expect from a "normal" partner. You either can deal with it or not.  But I must say, I did not expect a 180.  I expected strange and quirky but not an unrecognizable, completely new person.  For the look of things, this happens a with most pwBPD.

Thanks for the feedback.  I hope I have clearly illustrated and answered your questions.

[Meili]

It sounds like you have been building a great foundation for understanding. That will help you a lot with the decision that you make; whatever you decide.

In my humble opinion, now is not the time to be thinking about her and how she acts. Now is the time to be thinking about you. Otherwise, you can drive yourself crazy thinking about her thoughts, motivations, and what's "really going on with her." None of that is under your control, so it's best to not waste the time or energy on it.

It is highly possible that she was projecting. Mine did that to me. She even went as far as to tell me that I have BPD. She researched it and cherry-picked specific events, took them out of context, and used them to confirm her diagnosis of me.  It was a very bizarre thing to watch. But, whether I have any disorder or not was totally irrelevant to the conversation. I know what and how I think, so it really didn't matter what she said. What did matter was the feelings that she was trying to convey when she told me and how I chose to respond.

How did you choose to respond when your significant other told you?

[formflier]

So... .here is a general principle.

When someone we are in a r/s with is saying something new and nutty.  Listen for a bit and then focus on slowing it down.

"Hey... .this seems really important to you.  I want to give it my full attention.  Can we get together tomorrow at 7 and talk this through?  I'm not able to process this right now."

Then... stop talking about it.

If the answer is no.  "Ok... .this is important to me.  Let me know when you figure out a better time, hopefully we can get together on this again."

FF

[FallBack!Monster]

How did you choose to respond when your significant other told you?

I'm not sure if this question was about the OP, but I took it offensively because I know she in no position.  I now find it extremely hard to speak to her.  I'm not sure what she actually understand, and when she's acting like she doesn't understand. or what she does understand.  It's all very puzzling to me.  We would talk about everything. and laugh at things at the same time.  It wasn't weird.  Now, i'm not sure what happened all of a sudden.  But I must say, I know none of you want to hear this, but the last few times I've seen her in the past 2 months (3 times) she doesn't look well at all. She looks homeless. 

Initially, when she started to distant herself from our lives, I guess she still felt somewhat good and probably still had some of my blood in her system; she was caring for herself a lot better.  I know it is no longer my responsibility or maybe it never was, but I noticed the difference between now and then. No one has her back right now.

[Hopeful07]

I don't have much advice, but I was just called crazy and told I was bad for him. So you aren't alone. I guess it is projecting. I don't know if it was a way to be with someone else in your case, but in mine it usually is, not even anyone specific, he wants to be on dating sites and act out in bad ways.