Healing from FOO

[Narkiss]

In the last year or so I've been seeing a therapist and have become aware how my FOO has really impacted my life. My mother, who died a month ago was a diagnosed narcissist; my father was incredibly passive-aggresive and there was a lot of emotional incest. I used to think that I put it all behind me, closed the door on it, and it didn't affect me. I've been realizing that it has in countless ways and it's horrifying. Until recently, I didn't even realize I had needs. Likewise, with boundaries. Just about none.

I feel like I've been programmed to think of others first, to worry about their feelings, to make them happy. Likewise, the chaos of PD relationships are too familiar to me and unconsciously I think I seek them out. Even pain is better than the nothingness of being alone. (yes, I know how that sounds)

So, great, I've identified how it has affected my life, ruled my life actually. Now what? How do I heal? Or I am just stuck with this terrible self-knowledge that leads me to fall into the same patterns, but with my eyes open?

Narkiss

[GrowThroughIt]

In the last year or so I've been seeing a therapist and have become aware how my FOO has really impacted my life. My mother, who died a month ago was a diagnosed narcissist; my father was incredibly passive-aggresive and there was a lot of emotional incest. I used to think that I put it all behind me, closed the door on it, and it didn't affect me. I've been realizing that it has in countless ways and it's horrifying. Until recently, I didn't even realize I had needs. Likewise, with boundaries. Just about none.

I feel like I've been programmed to think of others first, to worry about their feelings, to make them happy. Likewise, the chaos of PD relationships are too familiar to me and unconsciously I think I seek them out. Even pain is better than the nothingness of being alone. (yes, I know how that sounds)

So, great, I've identified how it has affected my life, ruled my life actually. Now what? How do I heal? Or I am just stuck with this terrible self-knowledge that leads me to fall into the same patterns, but with my eyes open?

Narkiss

 

I'm glad to hear that you are working with a therapist!

I'm not at the stage you are at yet, as there are more things I need to recognise.

All I can say, is that, I do feel at a loss at times as to what to do with the knowledge that I have gained.  I feel that with this knowledge we then change our own habits and ways of thinking that are remnants of a past that have stayed with us from our FOO.  I see it as the next stage of 'cleansing.  To develop coping techniques etc that are healthy as opposed to ones that are unhealthy (which were learnt from our FOO).

[fromheeltoheal]

In the last year or so I've been seeing a therapist and have become aware how my FOO has really impacted my life. My mother, who died a month ago was a diagnosed narcissist; my father was incredibly passive-aggresive and there was a lot of emotional incest. I used to think that I put it all behind me, closed the door on it, and it didn't affect me. I've been realizing that it has in countless ways and it's horrifying. Until recently, I didn't even realize I had needs. Likewise, with boundaries. Just about none.

Yes, horrifying at first, a wake-up call, but also an awesome opportunity yes?  I've had similar profound moments since I left my ex, and there was the realization that I'd wasted decades being untrue to myself, regrets and depression, and then acceptance, and then finally determination and a belief that everything happens for a reason and it serves us.  It's never too late to have a happy childhood, and what an opportunity, now armed with this great information, to build an awesome life from that place, the place where we're true to ourselves.

The reason we didn't know we had needs or boundaries is because we abandoned ourselves.  That can lead to a feeling that we have no core and are completely dependent on external validation because we don't know how to validate ourselves.

I feel like I've been programmed to think of others first, to worry about their feelings, to make them happy. Likewise, the chaos of PD relationships are too familiar to me and unconsciously I think I seek them out. Even pain is better than the nothingness of being alone. (yes, I know how that sounds)

Yes, and you did that because it met yours needs, at maybe a low level, but met them nonetheless; we are always doing the best we can with what we have.  If we're dependent on external validation, which children certainly are because parents are 'god' to children, and if we don't unlearn that and learn to validate ourselves, the best way to get our needs met is to meet the needs of others.  There's also a belief in there that we aren't inherently lovable, we need to do something to be loved, so we get really busy meeting other people's need, ignoring our own.

And then, when a borderline shows up, someone who must attach to other people to survive, and mirrors us and sees what we really need, with that uncanny ability of someone who is focused on attachments continually, and then meets those needs for a time in order to attach, we're floating on a cloud, finally, after all these years, someone sees us for you we are and thinks we're awesome.  Until they don't.  We all know how that plays out, the death of a fantasy.

So, great, I've identified how it has affected my life, ruled my life actually. Now what? How do I heal? Or I am just stuck with this terrible self-knowledge that leads me to fall into the same patterns, but with my eyes open?

Eyes open is a good thing, we can recognize patterns now, and change them if they need changing.  Healing is one way to look at it, not my favorite since it implies we're wounded, what if we just discover we've been using some belief systems that are not empowering, and by changing them, like software, we can live an empowered life, a life of our own design, the life of our dreams? 

So I mentioned self-abandonment and the other one is self-protection.  If we focus on those, move into our bodies and don't just do but be, what are our feelings telling us?  And there are people in the world who want us to do our best and will support us in that, and folks who won't; coming from a place of self-protection, who needs to be removed from our lives and who doesn't?  And once we get in the habit of staying in our bodies, staying centered, embracing our core, now that we've discovered we have one, it becomes something valuable to us that we want to protect, so now there's a need for boundaries; setting and enforcing boundaries are skills that can be learned, and human nature is complex, lots to learn there, and as we go down that path it becomes clear who will respect our boundaries and who won't, maybe more spring cleaning required with the boundary busters.

And many of us, I'd say all of us to some extent, have experienced trauma, if only because life can be challenging sometimes, or maybe more, and another good area of focus is our trauma response: some of us fight, some of us run, some of us freeze and dissociate, some of us acquiesce.  What is your trauma response?  We all do all of them to some extent, but for me the primary ones are flight and freeze; I'm really good at fleeing, and really good at zoning out and dissociating, so how can I bolster the others and achieve some balance?

Caffeine-fueled ramble on a big topic; I look forward to the continued discussion... .

[Grey Kitty]

So, great, I've identified how it has affected my life, ruled my life actually. Now what? How do I heal? Or I am just stuck with this terrible self-knowledge that leads me to fall into the same patterns, but with my eyes open?

No, you aren't stuck. Knowing is the start of healing. Don't think that it is sufficient, though. Once you know where to go, most of the work involves the feeling side of it, not the understanding, and it is HARD.

Likewise, the chaos of PD relationships are too familiar to me and unconsciously I think I seek them out. Even pain is better than the nothingness of being alone. (yes, I know how that sounds)

And you know better now, even if you still feel that way.

I feel like I've been programmed to think of others first, to worry about their feelings, to make them happy.

I'm going to guess that you will find that this only requires a slight adjustment and will become a beautiful healthy part of you. Generosity, empathy, and kindness are wonderful characteristics to have, and treating people well is a great joy and a great gift.

Until recently, I didn't even realize I had needs. Likewise, with boundaries. Just about none.

And here lies the adjustment you need to make--you can be kind and generous without neglecting your needs and allowing somebody to trample your boundaries. You may find you can't do much with PD and other unhealthy people, but you will find what you can do. And that it is a whole different game when you treat healthy people well!

Not gonna say that any of it is easy or fast... .but it sure does make life better as you sort this kind of thing out!

Please be gentle and patient with yourself 

[Narkiss]

YES! That is where I am right now. I realized that I spend most of my life being untrue to myself. I floated along, switching directions when an opportunity fell into my lap or I met a new person. My resume zigzags. I never really considered deciding what I wanted, sticking to it and going after it. There are regrets and depression. I am trying to figure out what my core is (I think that for most of my life I felt that I did not have one, although I couldn't describe it so clearly).

Grey Kitty: It's the feelings that are so hard to overcome. With certain people -- actually the PDs in my life -- I have such strong feelings of guilt, obligation, incredible love, pain that they swamp the reasoning side of me that thinks clearly. So I now have the self-awareness to understand what I am doing and why -- but not the control and the emotional health to stop myself. With friends, work colleagues or people I meet, I have appropriate boundaries and do not accept being treated badly. With the others, there is a vortex of emotion that misleads me and even distorts history and facts (mainly just makes me forget the bad or at least not give it emotional weight).

So, how do the emotions change? I do not want to cut them out and stop feeling. I think I did that for too long. (Perhaps the reason I can't manage to cut the PDs out of my life is that they do evoke such strong emotions in me and make me feel so alive).

Anyway, you say that most of the work involved the feeling side of it -- how do I do that?

[Grey Kitty]

So, how do the emotions change? I do not want to cut them out and stop feeling. I think I did that for too long. (Perhaps the reason I can't manage to cut the PDs out of my life is that they do evoke such strong emotions in me and make me feel so alive).

Anyway, you say that most of the work involved the feeling side of it -- how do I do that?

I'll give you a general pointer in the direction I expect that will take; My personal experience was in many ways far milder, but I went through a bit of it; I've seen others going through something more like what I'm expecting for you.

The "work" around these feelings will often be simply sitting with and not acting on your own feelings, probably very intense sadness, depression, anger, perhaps even hatred. They may well be associated with physical pain or feelings in your body. (I can think of people who are physically sick to their stomach, or have headaches, or back pain which came up this way)

Anyhow, you don't need to go looking for this... .it will find you, and the hard part is to not shove it away or distract yourself from it.

In my case, after my wife left, I had a lot of time I spent feeling miserably alone, lonely, hurting, and kinda lost, mostly making progress in my life on autopilot, as I didn't really feel like I knew what I wanted or could even find that in myself or cared much about anything. A couple months of it were really intense, and it was followed by months with a lower grade depression, and going toward a couple years later, I'm finally feeling noticeably better.

I hope that your therapist will help you in this direction; He/She should have some idea when it seems like the right next step for you... .


As for your feelings around the PD people in your life that go against what you know is the best thing for yourself to do. You just have to keep doing it. Your emotions will probably take a long time to catch up with your head here.

Watch for when you start to meet new people that have a PD or traits like that, and find yourself repelled instead of attracted. It will happen. That will show yourself that you are a lot healthier. (Cleaning up the messy ties with the ones already in your life will take a lot longer!)

[Narkiss]

The feelings are very intense. I feel exhausted, depleted, sick to my stomach. The feelings tell me to dive right back into painful, dysfunctional relationships and try again, fix things, make them right and most importantly don't hurt SOs by walking away. My brain tells me that I can't fix them, that pain and chaos are bad, that the relationships and people will never get better except if they choose to (and they aren't). But it's a little rational squeak, compared to an overwhelming pounding of emotion. (I think that's why I think I understand BPDs. They have 10x the emotion and their brains are shut off for the duration). 

With new people, I am level-headed. I can see self-absorption, vanity, instability and am I not attracted to any of it. Those already in my life, though... .

[Grey Kitty]

The feelings are very intense. I feel exhausted, depleted, sick to my stomach. The feelings tell me to dive right back into painful, dysfunctional relationships and try again, fix things, make them right and most importantly don't hurt SOs by walking away.

Have you tried letting those feelings exist, and sitting with them... .letting yourself WANT to dive back in... .have all those feelings and desires... .and not take any action but sitting with those feelings?

If it seems too intense (likely!), only ask yourself to do it for a minute or five minutes before you do something else that pulls you away from those feelings [but is taking care of you, not chasing after a dysfunctional r/s!]

[Narkiss]

Yes. I've been trying to do that. Feel them, but also recognize what I know about these relationships. There is a complete disconnect between the two. It is like I my brain is imploding or I have been invaded by body snatchers. One or the other.